Chapter 8
"So, let's see if I've got this right. You're convinced you're going to die before you're thirty and you're refusing any chance of avoiding your destiny?"
"It's not like that," replied Ianto, tetchily.
"Sounds like it from here. To me it sounds like you're determined to be a martyr to Torchwood, as if you don't think you deserve a chance to be happy."
"I don't – not really. I got a second chance when I survived the battle and then I failed – I let down Lisa, I betrayed you, I caused the deaths of two civilians and nearly brought about Armageddon – I screwed up, Jack. I've no idea why I'm still alive, but-"
"But if you weren't, I wouldn't be expecting our child!"
"Oh, Jack – that's… that's…"
"That's the truth, dammit!" Jack got up from the examination bed and pulled Ianto to his feet. He gripped hold of Ianto's shoulders so he couldn't escape. "You're going to be a father, Ianto – that can't be changed. What can be altered is your life expectancy – if you're not working at Torchwood."
"Tell me one thing, if I hadn't got you pregnant, would you have suggested I set up home and run a coffee shop?"
Jack sighed and closed his eyes.
"Thought not." Ianto spoke softly, but the accusation was there.
"Only because I figured you might leave for the sake of our son if not for yourself."
"Honestly, Jack – what were you imagining?" Ianto couldn't keep the exasperation out of his voice. "Me, waiting at home with the kid for you to return from work, you calling out 'Honey, I'm home', then I ask you how work was, you say you only had your throat ripped out once by a weevil, I give you a hug and you ask what's for dinner?"
"No!" Jack protested, before looking sheepish. He could imagine that scene and part of him wanted it badly. "Well, maybe … would that be so wrong?"
"Yes!" exclaimed Ianto, flustered. He'd meant to point out to Jack how ridiculous the notion was, not paint a tempting scene. "I mean … what about … what about the laundry?"
"The what?!" Jack was confused, but held onto Ianto, worried by the fact he was now beginning to tremble.
"How would I explain blood-soaked clothes to the kid, huh? 'Don't worry, daddy is accident prone' or maybe 'it's alright, he works in an abattoir'?"
"Don't be silly - I'd change at the Hub before coming home."
"You've got this all worked out, haven't you?" Ianto leaned his forehead against Jack's frustrated with his partner.
"No – it's just that where you're seeing problems, I'm seeing solutions." Jack slid his hands down from Ianto's shoulders and rested them on his hips. He took a deep breath and asked the question that worried him most. "Don't you want to live?"
"Yes. Of course I do. But that doesn't mean I have to leave Torchwood."
"It's dangerous-"
"I know – but the one thing that gave me a reason to live after I lost Lisa was you … and Torchwood. To me, you're linked." Ianto paused as he considered whether or not this was the time to open up to Jack. He knew there would be no better time. "It's my way of making up for all the screw-ups in the past, all the bad decisions, poor choices… betrayals. I turned my back on my family, then I invested everything into Lisa, even after she was beyond saving. Giving my life to Torchwood, trying to make something out of the mess I created … then there's you, I want to be there supporting you, being there for you, standing by your side when the world turns to shit and … and when you get killed, I want to be there, I want to be the one to help you find your way back. It's selfish, I know, but-"
"No, no it's not selfish, it's …" Jack couldn't get any more words past his lips, as he fought to keep his emotions in check. A pointless exercise as the tears tracking down his cheeks gave them away. He wrapped his arms around Ianto and pulled him close, cradling his head that came to rest on his shoulder.
"It would be like you're rejecting me, sending me away. You're my life, Jack, whether you like it or not."
They stood still, holding on to one another as Ianto's confession sunk in and they both absorbed the revelations. Jack then steered Ianto towards the exam bed and made him sit down. Sitting next to him Jack took Ianto's hand and smiled at the younger man, who'd pledged his life to him.
"For what it's worth I think you'd make a great dad."
"I doubt that." Ianto shook his head slightly. "I haven't got much in the way of a good role model in my past."
"Hey – that doesn't mean a thing. You're a natural when it comes to caring for others."
"Feeding and cleaning up after assorted alien creatures, not to mention you, Gwen and Owen doesn't count-"
"You left out Tosh."
"She doesn't need looking after, the rest of you do. Which reminds me, I really should be getting back there, goodness knows what state the place is in now."
"You're changing the subject."
"Yeah – well, unless you force me to resign, I'm not leaving Torchwood."
"I'm not intending to force you into doing anything. It's your choice, Ianto, but don't blame me for wanting you to live a long life and to be there for our son. I can survive anything, you can't."
"You're asking me to step back out of the line of fire and away from your side. I know you come back, but I want to be there for you, Jack, not at the kitchen sink washing baby clothes."
"So you're not even going to think it?"
"I … I can't get my head around it right now, Jack. I'm sorry."
"Please – all I'm asking it that you just consider my idea. Take your time. I'll think about your suggestion and we'll talk about it next time you visit. Please?"
"OK. I'll think about it." Ianto conceded wearily. He realised, belatedly, that upsetting Jack in his condition wasn't playing fair and could potentially harm the child whose future they were arguing about.
The journey back to Cardiff was awkward, Ianto refusing to talk to Owen as he gazed out of the window. Owen resorted to putting the radio on to provide background noise as they drove down the A470 heading south. It was a three and a half hour journey at the best of times, and it seemed much longer with a passenger who appeared to become more and more withdrawn the further south they travelled.
Owen stopped in Builth Wells, parking up on the High Street, in need of a break and something to eat. He managed to get a reaction from Ianto when he pointed out two pubs and asked which they should try out for food.
"The Lamb or the White Hart?"
An eye roll and glare made it perfectly clear which pub Ianto would rather step inside.
Ianto barely ate, but Owen happily finished off his plate of pie and chips as well as his own.
"You'll fall asleep at the wheel," grumbled Ianto as he watched Owen wash down the food with a half pint of the local ale.
"Then I'd better have a coffee as well, hadn't I?" smirked Owen. "You want one?"
"I thought I wasn't allowed."
"You can now. Anyway, chances are you'll only take one sip and then declare it unfit for purpose."
"I'm not that much of a coffee snob-"
"Yes, you bloody well are!" exclaimed Owen. "Look – I'll go up, order a couple of coffees, pay the bill and then go and have a piss. Then we're talking."
Before Ianto had the opportunity to protest, Owen was out of his seat and heading for the bar.
By the time Owen returned, Ianto was tentatively tasting the coffee he'd been served.
"Well?" asked Owen.
"Either it's not bad, or I've been deprived so long I'd enjoy a cup of instant."
"Not what I meant, but it's a start. What's going on then between you and Jack?"
"This isn't the place to have that discussion, Owen."
Owen responded by getting up once more, this time to put a few coins into the juke box and select random numbers. He didn't care what it played as long as it denied Ianto yet another excuse not to talk. He scowled as soon as Abba's 'Knowing me, knowing you' began to resonate throughout the bar. Next time they'd stop in another town, he decided.
However, on the plus side, his inadvertent choice of song had made Ianto laugh out loud.
"It was random – I swear I didn't pick it deliberately."
"Oh, Owen – I never knew you felt this way." Ianto giggled as he watched his colleague take a seat on the opposite side of the booth from him.
"So, then, you and Jack," stated Owen. "What's the problem?"
"You heard - he wants me to leave Torchwood to bring up the kid."
"And you'd rather give your son away and stay at work-"
"That makes me sound completely heartless. It's not like that." Ianto hissed, not wanting the men at the bar to overhear him; however loud the juke box was, it seemed that Owen's selection was drawing attention to them rather than masking their conversation.
"You'd make the perfect househusband – all that dusting and cleaning. I'd have thought that would have suited you down to the ground."
"Don't go there, I'm warning you." Ianto glared at Owen. "I may not be able to exact revenge yet, but as soon as I can-"
"Don't go threatening the source of your pain relief, tea boy!"
"I know the code to the meds cabinet – I can get my own if I need to."
"That explains a lot." Owen took a long drink of his coffee and then looked over the brim of the cup to address Ianto. "Look, I know he's an irritating bastard and when he gets an idea in his head he refuses to see reason, but this time, he's actually got his heart in the right place. He's not thinking with his dick or his ego for a change."
"I know. But even if I went along with his plan, it wouldn't take long before someone figured out the kid was his. Whether they knew … well, it's bound to look like him and it sounds like he thinks he can live with me and the baby and still work." Ianto paused for a moment, making sure no one was listening in before continuing. "It's too dangerous – if I'm working at Torchwood or not, it won't matter. The only option would be retcon and a new start, away from Cardiff. For the child to be safe from any potential threat, Jack wouldn't be able to see him or me ever again."
"Fuck." Owen nodded his head as he acknowledged Ianto's logic.
Ianto took another mouthful of the coffee that tasted even more bitter as he reached the dregs at the bottom of the cup.
"At least my idea may actually allow us to see the kid occasionally. He'd be safe and I can be there for Jack."
"I don't suppose you told him any of that did you?"
"I tried, but I –"
"Didn't want to completely burst his bubble?"
"Sort of… you understand now, don't you?" Ianto pleaded with Owen, wanting him to appreciate his point of view.
"Yeah. Shitty situation all round if you ask me, but, yeah, I know where you're coming from now."
"I'm not saying he wouldn't get by without me-"
"Don't underestimate what you mean to him, Ianto. You don't know how much it took for him not to come tearing back to Cardiff when you were in hospital. I don't think he could take losing both of you. He's just desperate to keep you and the kid."
"I know. I thought he was alright with my plan, but I guess I didn't read him right." Ianto shrugged, wondering how they'd spent all that time together at the cottage without really knowing what was on each other's minds.
"Don't beat yourself up over that, he keeps his real feelings more hidden than you do and that's saying something."
"What's with all the sympathy, Owen?" teased Ianto. "If you keep this up when we get back to Cardiff the girls will smell a rat."
"Don't worry, as soon as get back to the Hub I'll be a right bastard again, if that's what you want."
"Yes, please and I think we should go now, you selected the same Abba song twice."
"Oh shit, come on, let's hit the road."
As Owen and Ianto left the pub, the landlady turned to the group of locals sat at the bar, nursing their pints. They'd been debating the relationship of the two men, pointing out the shared meal and the choice of Abba's song about breaking up.
"No – they're not a couple," said the landlady, knowingly. "Body language is all wrong."