So, I am the worst person ever, it's been months but I have had such a hectic six months. Break ups, job drama's, university drama's, but I'm finally sorted, new job, no more university, boyfriend sorted. So I wanted to start this story again, so please let me know if you are still interested in following this story and Run baby run, if you read that one drop me a comment about what you would like me to do with that story... thank you and I am SO SORRY I won't abandon this again, promise.
I've decided to restart this four months from where I last left it off, it will all make sense dont you worry. xx
The constant phone calls had stopped, the annoying messages had stopped, it had all stopped. That is until today. Today it changed, today I received something that reminded me all over again of the pain I had tried so hard to stick to the back of my mind for the last four months. But as I stared down at the invitation in my hand my heart ached and my eyes stung with the liquid I had forced myself to keep in for so long.
Mr Samuel Uley and Miss Emily Jane Young invite you to their wedding on November 4th
November 4th was in two weeks time. I knew that the wedding was nearing due to Kim's updates, she and Emily were the only ones I heard off recently, they sent weekly messages and rang me when they could but I had heard nothing from Sam since I left. He hadn't even been in touch to tell me that my nephew had been born last month; Emily rang me when she had finally been allowed home after a week in hospital. The baby, Leon, was early by nearly six weeks and hadn't been well at first but Sam hadn't called me to let me know that my nephew was here, or that he was ill and in ICU, no I had to learn weeks later from Emily who was distraught that I didn't know. The other guys hadn't bothered either, only Embry and Seth messaged me and that had only been twice since July to let me know that Quil got found out for cheating his tests and had to take summer school to make up for it which he has subsequently failed and that Seth had got a girlfriend. I had heard nothing else from anyone, nothing from Jared who had tried so hard at first to get me to call him, nothing from Jake or Quil and nothing from him, Paul. I hadn't really expected anything but then again, maybe I did. Maybe I did expect him to do something, at least call me. I wasn't sure I wanted him to, maybe I did.
My stomach twisted in different swirls of emotions as I looked at the grey and blue invitation. Emily said she wanted to marry as soon as possible after Leon was born but this was soon, I hadn't expected an invite, I was sure Sam wouldn't have wanted me there.
"What's that?" Kyle's voice broke through my daze and I glanced up at him from my place on the breakfast bar. I couldn't speak I just held it out to him and began unwrapping the parcel that had arrived with the invite. "Oh" was all Kyle said as he read the piece of card in his hands.
"Oh" I replied continuing to open my parcel with shaking hands. This was from La Push too. My heart was beating a thousand beats per minute, my palms were sweaty and I felt as if the room around me faded out as the wrapping fell away showing off a navy blue fabric sitting in my lap.
"What is that?" Kyle set the invite aside and I moved my hands away letting him pull the fabric from my lap and hold it up. My breath faltered as it unravelled to reveal a knee length navy blue chiffon dress. The nicest dress I had ever seen, it was perfect for a bridesmaid. Bridesmaid. My heart plummeted and I hopped off my stool to grab at a envelope that had dropped to the floor while Kyle messed with the dress.
I didn't open the envelope, I ripped it open. Emily's handwriting was littered along a pink sheet of paper, her perfect handwriting.
Dear Savannah,
I know it's been a while since we spoke in detail of the wedding but I asked you to be my bridesmaid and I still, we still wish for you to be. Kim chose the dress, I know it will look beautiful on you and I hope it is the right size for you.
We, Sam and I, we know it's been difficult since you left, we haven't talked much but we miss you so much, everyone does. Please, please be at the wedding. Please stand by us as we create our family, you complete our family Savannah and we would love you to be here.
We miss you, and Leon is dying to meet his favourite aunty who he hears so much about.
All our love,
Sam, Emily and Leon.
p.s the guys miss you too, even Brady and Collin.
Xxxxx
The water in my eyes spilled and a tear rolled over my hot cheek as my body broke out in flushed pumps of blood with every thumping heart beat. My chest was heaving, I was shaking. I couldn't go. I couldn't go there, not after all this time, not after how it ended. No. I couldn't, I wouldn't.
I grabbed the invite from the counter and walked to the bin placing it and the letter inside before taking the dress from Kyle and wrapping it messily back into the paper and throwing it by his front door.
"Savannah" Kyle called out as I walked past him using all my strength not to fall to the floor with the weight that was in my chest.
"I can't" I whispered and he followed me as I made my way through his dads New York apartment which we had been staying in since leaving Chicago. We had only meant to be here for summer but I found a job in a coffee shop and Kyle's dad put him as an intern in the New York office so we stayed. I hated New York. I hated it but I had nowhere else.
"Come on, just think about it"
"No" I snapped slightly and walked into my bedroom pacing back and forth as I went.
"Don't do this, don't wreck the last chance you have of having your family" Kyle sounded angry as he watched me from the door.
I turned on him, his words adding more heat to my already flaming body.
"Do what? I haven't done this Kyle, they did this"
"Savannah enough, enough" He breathed out and walked toward me, his head shaking as he came. "They are your family, you missed the birth of your nephew and now you want to miss this? You would never forgive yourself"
"They don't want me" I whispered and he let out a bark.
"Jesus Christ, you really think that?" He raised his voice slightly and I peered at him, he was frowning at me like I was stupid. "You are even stupider than I thought" He moved and sat on my bed but I stayed rooted to my spot."I've put up with your bullshit because you are my best friend but this is getting ridiculous, I can't deal with it anymore Sav, you like, you're like a crazy person"
I took his words in but I didn't understand, deal with what? He had never mentioned me being anything other than normal in the four months I had lived with him.
"Like what?" I croaked out as my mouth grew dry.
"You're like a manic depressive that hates the world" He blushed as he spoke and I could tell from his tone that he wasn't enjoying saying this. I wasn't bad, I was fine. "You miss them, you miss that place, and you hate it here. You, I, you, I don't even know what to say. You miss him"
My body froze against the window pane, him. No. I didn't miss him. Maybe I missed my family but not him. I didn't miss him. The pain in my chest grew and I felt like I couldn't stand up. There was nothing between us anymore. It was over.
"You haven't been you since being here; you've been a person that I don't recognise. You don't smile, you don't do anything"
He was cut off as the buzzer rang out from the kitchen; he turned to look and then back at me, his eyes narrowed as we waited for the call.
"It's Mike" The voice of Kyle's mom rang out and Kyle stood to block my way from the room as I grabbed my jacket.
"No" He snapped and I pushed against his chest.
"Move" My voice was thick with the tears threatening to fall and I shoved at my friend harder and harder until he stepped aside.
"Savannah stop doing this, you're being stupid and selfish"
"Selfish?" I span back on him and his angry expression hardened. "How am I being selfish? I'm trying to get on with my life"
"A life you're not happy living in, this isn't you, you have no family here, you work in god damn coffee shop on minimum wage ten hours a week, you hate it, you don't like the city, you don't like living in this god damn apartment and you don't like Mike freaking Lewis" He shouted and I heard the clicking of his moms shoes as she walked out of the room. "You're here to prove a point, to tell Sam you don't need him and to tell Paul you don't want him when you do need your brother and you do want Paul"
"You don't know what I feel, don't do this Kyle"
"Or what? You'll run away from here too? Go, because I'd like to see where you run to next I really would Savannah" He was getting nasty and my body went cold. I had nowhere else. I had no one else. "You're doing this to hurt them because they hurt you, you're ignoring those people because you felt like they betrayed you when they didn't, you have blocked everyone out, you've given up on your dreams, you've given up on everything damn it"
"You don't even know what you're talking about" I argued back and made my way toward the door, he didn't know the full story. He knew snippets of what I told him. He was following me, I could feel it. "And I do like Mike, he's a nice guy"
Kyle laughed and I span on him as I opened the apartment door. "He's not you're type"
"And you know my type?"
"Yeah I do, he's about this tall" He held his hand up as tall as he could go and my heart sunk a little bit. "He's this wide" He then bulked himself up in an exaggerated manner and I let out a long breath that shook. "He's tanned, he has a slight bad temper, he's slightly stubborn and his name is Paul"
The mention of the name was enough to knock me backwards and I fell out into the corridor trying to ignore my best friend.
"If you don't go to that wedding you will lose the only family you have left, Sam is your brother"
"Sam hasn't bothered with me since I left; Sam is doing fine without me, he has his shit together"
"But you're not doing well without him, without them" He shouted as I walked further away. "Don't ignore this Sav, stop running from them, go home"
I turned to give him one last look before walking into the elevator. My heart was aching, my eyes stinging, Kyle was looking at me with such a pleading look in his eyes that for a second I wanted to stop and talk this through but the elevator door opened and my wall came back up. I gave him a small smile. "I am home"
...
Kyle hadn't spoke to me since that day, the dress had vanished, the trash had been taken out, Kim had text me but I ignored the text, I then ignored when Embry had tried ringing me. He hadn't rung me in months but I still ignored it. The wedding was in two days, part of me ached to be able to see Sam on his big day, and Emily. But I knew I couldn't. I mean, it had been so long and things had been said and done, Sam didn't even try contacting me, he didn't want me. But he had sent that letter with Emily, maybe he did. Maybe it wasn't even him, maybe he didn't know.
"Hey" A hand clicked in front of my face and I jumped at the sudden noise. I glanced up over the table at Mike, his brown eyes twinkled with his lopsided smile and his skinny arm lifted to run his hand through his wispy dull brown hair. "You got lost for a moment" He smiled again and I shifted in my seat.
"Sorry, you were saying" I smiled back and he sat forward closer to me across the table.
"I was saying that the stock market has fallen again, work is making cuts and I think I may lose my job unless a bank bail us out" His monotone voice drummed out and I faked a look of distress, I hadn't a clue what he meant but it sounded bad. "I know, could be the end of JR Rich and Sons" He shook his head, I didn't know who they were, who were they? Were they who he worked for?
"That's awful" I frowned, who was he on about?
"I may end up just pumping coffee for a living" He commented and I raised an eyebrow making his face drop. "God sorry, that, I umm, sorry" He fumbled before looking for a waiter and throwing his card at them. "How about we go?" He stood up quickly, I hadn't finished my meal. He was so jumpy all the time.
"Sure" I nodded and stood up with him giving my left over pizza one last glance, I wanted that pizza. "Mike, do you mind if we skip the movie?" I asked on our way out of the restaurant.
"No, is everything ok?" He turned on me with panic in his eyes. "I didn't mean what I meant about coffee, I mean I did mean it, but I mean you know, it's not a bad job" He fumbled; he was such a wimpy kid. He worried about everything.
"No it's not that I just I feel a little tired" I lied, it wasn't really a lie, I was constantly tired, I was constantly in pain. The last four months I hadn't slept properly, I was tired all the time, my body ached, my chest was the worst. I had no desire to do anything. I met Mike at work, he was a regular customer and he asked me out every day until I said yes, that was about six weeks ago. He was nice enough but he was skinny and boring and pale. He worked in finance, it's all he ever went on about was the stock market and banking.
He reached for my hand as we made our way toward the tube and I managed to swipe it away feigning interest in a passing shop, I stopped and looked in the window, it was jewellery.
"Look, that's different" He pointed to a stand of bracelets and charms, my eyes scanned them but I wasn't interested. "A wolf, why would anyone want a wolf on their wrist?" Mike commented and my eyes found the silver wolf charm, my heart shuddered painfully and I gulped at the lump in my throat. "Wolves, dangerous things, you know I heard a story about a plan to cull wolves because they are living in too large a number in certain areas"
My head snapped in his direction, a worry shot through me at the idea of wolves being slaughtered. I didn't know why, it's not like it would be Sam or the guys in firing line but I wasn't scared of wolves anymore.
"That's awful" I whispered and Mike shook his head.
"Be gone with them I say, get rid of them and the habitat, build new homes, new offices. Get the economy straight, America could rule the world if we had more city space, more financial districts" He wafted on and I frowned more with each word he said. Get rid of the trees? Was he crazy, places that wolves lived in were peaceful, no noise, no congestion, no rude people slamming into you. Wolves had the life, they were free. "You don't agree?" He asked with a slight tone of worry.
I shook my head and smiled a little. "I think wolves can be quite beautiful animals" I whispered and the pain in my chest got heavier.
"Oh, umm well we should get going" He proclaimed and nudged into me until I moved from the shop window.
Neither of us said anything as we made our way to the tube station, neither of us said anything as we rode the five stops to my block. Or as we made our way to the apartment building. It was only when we got to the door that he turned to me, he was close, too close. His small body not overshadowing mine in the way I was used to. My body shuddered away and a feeling roared within me, defensive. I didn't want him this close.
"So, we have been dating for six weeks and I thought maybe, well it's been going good so maybe we could I don't know, if you wanted to you could be my girlfriend?" He stuttered and my body went cold. The pain in my chest heaved and my mind flashed in anger. My body was telling me no but for some reason I gave a small nod. His face broke out into a smile and he moved closer, I backed away until I hit the wall. The closer he got the angrier the feeling within me got, the sicker I felt and the colder my body fell. He was too close. He was too small, too dull, too cold. His face came toward mine and his hands fell on my waist, gripping too tightly. I squirmed but I couldn't move. I tried to speak but all that came out was a squeak as his lips covered mine, his thin cold lips that made my body tense up. I felt sick; I was in pain, every inch of me flared up in aching pain. He deepened it but my lips didn't move, he pressed his body against and the pain intensified, tears built within me and I wanted to scream. I felt like a stranger was pushing themselves on me, all I could think of was La Push, him. I wanted home, I wanted warmth; I wanted the protection I had once felt. The feelings within me bubbled until I found myself pushing him away from me; he looked taken aback as tears protruded from my eyes.
"Savannah" He spoke quietly and I shook my head.
"I can't, sorry" I choked and pushed at the doors, I didn't wait for the lift I ran up the stairs. I was too weak, I made it to the fifth floor before I gave out and the tears fell from me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I couldn't walk. All I could think of was...
"Paul" I breathed out as my eyes met the figure standing at the foot of the stairwell I was collapsed on. The eyes looking down at me with such concern where so familiar, so warm. I blinked at my tears and took in the person in front of me, the worry on their face as they stepped toward me.
"Are you ok?" Her voice was soft, she reached for me and I flinched at her touch, all I could see was her eyes. I knew them. They were so familiar. "Do you want me to call someone?" She asked again but all I could do was stare. "Sweetie?" She tried and I wiped my face trying to calm myself but her eyes were throwing me. They were a deep brown, with swirls of grey and green. I knew those eyes.
"Sorry" I croaked and got to my feet, my legs wobbled and she grabbed my arm to steady me. "I, I, had a umm a bad night"
"I can see that, do you need me to take you somewhere? I don't know the building that well I'm visiting a friend but I can try help" She smiled sweetly, she was pretty, she was tanned, tall, beautiful actually. I knew her. How did I know her?
I realised I was staring and I looked away. "I live on the twelfth floor, I just, I, bad night, bad month, bad year" I cried and more tears fell. She had an aura of calm around her, of familiarity.
"I get you, family or boy drama?" She smiled again and I smiled back, she was being nice to me when she found me in hysterics on a stairwell floor.
"Both" I coughed with tears and she reached into her bag to grab a tissue.
"Again, I understand. My friend actually lives on the tenth floor so I mean I could walk up with you just to make sure you don't you know" She nodded to the floor beside me and I flushed, how stupid of me, I was such an idiot. I probably looked crazy.
"Sure, thanks" I turned to walk and used the tissue to wipe mascara all over my cheeks. I was a mess.
"So" She spoke out as we reached another foot of stairs, she had waited for my tears to calm before approaching conversation again. "You from New York?"
"No" I shook my head. "Chicago originally, but I umm I've moved around a lot in the last year" I didn't say anything else, I couldn't think of that place let alone speak it.
"Me too, I started college last year but got hella bored so I decided to do some travelling, New York is crazy busy but I love it" She smiled and I nodded pretending to feel the same. I hated it. It was so congested and loud, busy, there were no trees except in central park but even that felt fake compared to La Push. "So How come you came to NYC?" She glanced at me and my insides fell. I didn't answer for a minute or two, I didn't know how.
"It's complicated" I shook my head, I didn't want to. "You?"
She shrugged "Somewhere new, I try to stick to cities on my travels, I grew up in this quiet little town that was just out of nowhere and I can't stand the silence, I like to be busy, be around people. Back home it was just me, a couple friends and my family. I needed away from that, New York is my favourite place, I can forget everything" She went on and I shook my head, complete opposite for me. I wanted that place she talked about, the silence, the peacefulness. I wonder where she came from. Maybe that could be my next place, my next home.
"Will you ever go back?" I asked and she shrugged.
"Not if I can help it, my family we, we were dysfunctional. I took what I could and left, sounds selfish but sometimes you gotta do what's best for you"
"I know, it's not selfish to need to be alone, to think" I stopped and she nodded at me. "My brother hates me, I sort of hate him"
"Ditto" She nodded and laughed. "Brothers are assholes, mine is stubborn, arrogant and selfish, he's an asshole"
"Sounds exactly like mine"
"And the boy?"
I stopped as we reached her floor, I took her words in and pain hit my chest again. "And the boy" I nodded, he was I guess. I didn't know what to think.
"Well, I hope your problems get sorted, you care about whoever it is a lot if it gets you in that state" She smiled again and I nodded. Did I miss Sam? Paul? No. My heart hurt and I looked away.
"Thanks for you know" I nodded to the stairs and she shrugged again. "I hope you and your brother makeup"
"Thanks, you too I guess" She laughed and smiled again before waving and turning for the door onto the tenth floor. Why did she seem so familiar? I watched her go, her eyes still burning into my head. I knew those eyes. I knew them. I wanted to chase after her and stare at her more, I knew her, her eyes, her damn eyes.
I walked up the final two stair cases, my brain working overtime and my body was in a hot ache. I needed my bed. I was shaking as I entered the apartment, the lights were all off and it was quiet. Maybe Kyle was gone, his mom had gone back to Chicago yesterday so it was just us. He was probably out. I threw my keys on the table and walked through the dark open plan living room and kitchen, my breath was still stuttering over my previous tears and my mind was a mess. I had no clue what had happened today. I was a mess. Poor Mike. That poor girl, she was only trying to walk up the stairs. I was a mess.
"SHIT" I screeched as I hit into something and toppled over landing on whatever it was that I had walked into. "Damn it" I moaned trying to scramble myself upwards, the lights flicked on and I looked at the ground in front of me. My suitcase and my two bags, packed and waiting for me. "Kyle" I went to call out but he was stood in my bedroom doorway staring at me. "What is this?"
"I'm kicking you out" He stuttered over his words, he didn't want to say them. I stared at him for a moment gathering my thoughts. Kicking me out? He can't, I have nowhere to go. I couldn't breathe. This day was the worst of my entire life.
"What do you mean you're kicking me out?" Tears sprung back to my eyes and my chest heaved, he stepped forward his own expression faltering him.
"Why have you been crying?" He frowned and walked forward again. My eyes fell on the sofa beside me and I saw not only my bridesmaid dress but the invite to the wedding and my letter from Emily. That was all it took, the tears leapt from me and I fell onto the arm of the sofa. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just, I want you to go home"
He rushed toward me now and I shook my head.
"Mike kissed me" I wailed and he stopped, he raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded. "It felt horrible, I was so cold and then I met this girl and she, she was so nice and warm and she just reminded me of someone, of people, I don't know, I just, I'm so alone Kyle, I'm so confused, I'm so unhappy. I pour coffee all day, I just, I can't, I can't think, it's so loud, and the people are everywhere and I'm so so so tired, I'm tired all the time" I wailed more and he stood listening to me. "And now you don't want me" I was hysterical.
"I do want you, but I don't want you like this. I want my best friend and you're not her, you left her in La Push" He talked softly and I shook my head.
"No, that place, it, I can't"
"It's your home, it's where your family are and Paul" He began and I cut him off. No, I wasn't doing this.
"No you don't know what happened, you don't get it" I argued and moved to stand up but I had no energy. "I can't go there again, I can't deal with it anymore, all the lies, the risks"
"Is it the lies you can't deal with or the truth? I've been there Sav, none of those guys would hurt you. They treated you like a sister, Sam may be a controlling ass wipe at times but he would protect you with his life even I saw that in the couple days I was there and Paul? Well Paul may have hurt you but he loves you"
"No he does not, you know nothing. I don't, he doesn't, we aren't meant to be, this isn't an epic love story"
"Then what is it?" He snapped turning on me and I shrugged, I didn't know what it was. I didn't even know why I was angry anymore I just was. "Why did you run away? The lies, the truth, the fear of loving someone?"
"I don't love him; we were friends that's it. It was a mistake, the kiss, the dates everything was a mistake and I need to forget it" I buried my head in my knees but Kyle carried on. " Why can't I forget it Kyle? I just, I can't do it anymore"
"You don't need to forget it, you need to face it, you need to realise what it is that is turning you into this person that you're not, you need to face up to what you are running from. Stop destroying yourself, it's been four months, four months of you being crazy and depressed and alone, you miss them, you miss La Push, you miss Paul"
"He turning me into that, he's making me crazy because he's such an asshole, he did this" I shouted and Kyle shook his head at me. He was getting angry now. I cried harder, this was so frustrating.
"You are unbelievable, yes he can be an asshole but you love him. Even when he's an asshole, and being stubborn."
"No I don't, I'm eighteen, I don't know love. I would just end up alone, probably with a kid and working in a diner like my mom. Paul doesn't love me, he thought he did but he's probably found someone else by now"
"You aren't your mother and this situation is different, she made a mistake but that doesn't mean you will. He's nothing like your father and you know it, he may be temperamental or whatever but he wouldn't hurt you, from what you've told me he cares about you, from what I saw he cares about you. It's nothing to do with Sam; it's to do with you and Paul"
"Stop, I don't want to get into this" I begged but Kyle wasn't giving up.
"You need to go home"
"I am home Kyle, this is home" I spoke firmer and he shook at me again.
"It is your home now; you were never a city girl, you hate it here. You were so relaxed there, Savannah don't tell me you don't miss it"
"I don't belong there"
"You don't belong here, shit Savannah why can't you just open up to your heart and accept that you love him, accept that you love them all, you love that place? It isn't going to be easy, you have to rebuild the trust but maybe it's worth it, maybe it's worth the hard work because you were happy there and you aren't happy here"
I said nothing, I just watched my best friend pace as I tried thinking straight. I couldn't think straight.
"He was just a friend, and now he's not" I stood up gulping back tears and walked toward the door to my room. I was through with this, I didn't like the feelings and thoughts being stirred. As I walked past Kyle he reached out and grabbed me, stopping me.
"A friend?" He asked and I nodded, before I registered what he was doing his lips crashed on mine and he was kissing me with so much force it hurt. Everything in me jumped and I fell cold again, the anger purred within me and I felt like I wanted to rip apart the person touching me. This was wrong. I pushed him away, the anger within me spiking and I could think of nothing but the heat that had once touched my lips.
"What the hell was that?" I snapped and he wiped his mouth making a grimace face while I fought the urge to scream from how screwed up this was.
"I'm your friend, that's how it feels kissing a friend. Is that how it felt kissing him?" He breathed still shaking himself off and I stared at him, it was nothing like how it felt. Paul made me feel warm, he made me feel wanted and light inside, he made me swoon and he made me feel beautiful. Right now I felt disgusting. "Didn't think so" He answered for me while I stared at him.
I still couldn't say anything, my insides were a mess, I couldn't think let alone move. I sat there as Kyle backed away.
"Savannah, you will never forgive yourself if you pass up this olive branch, they are reaching out to you, take it. If you go just for Sam then go for Sam, you don't have to see Paul, but stop torturing yourself. Paul, Sam, La Push, all of it is what you want; stop denying yourself your life"
"Why do you want me to go so badly?" I cried and he shook his head.
"I don't, I want you here but not at this cost. I won't kick you out but you decide right now, either you take that dress and you go fix your family, you go face up to your feelings and deal with whatever shit is waiting for you or you don't go, you stay here in a city you hate with nobody here but me and you regret it, but if you stay here you can't keep doing this. You're destroying yourself" He stopped for a moment, assessing his next words. "And if you feel like this, then imagine how they feel, what they are going through, what Paul feels. I know he isn't with another girl, you know he isn't" With that he turned away and left me alone, the silence was deafening. I could feel my heart pumping as I wiped the remaining tears from my face.
My shaking legs carried me to the dress and I ran my hands over the material, my eyes scanned the invite. I couldn't, I couldn't go back. Could I?
Please let me know you are still reading, interested, any ideas for this or for my other stories, thank you! x