Double update for a double apology, SORRY! Please let me know you are still reading, interested, ideas.
I stared out of the window I used to spend a lot of time staring out of, except now was different. Now I wasn't sat in the window of my nice candle scented bedroom that held pictures of me and my friends, or my mom. Now I was stood by baby blue curtains, in a beige and blue room that had pictures of a tiny little baby and its parents on the walls. Sam and Emily; the baby being little Joey, the nephew that I had met for all of five minutes at the wedding before he was whisked away by Sue Clearwater. My room was gone. It hurt, I knew it wouldn't be my room forever not with the baby here but I hadn't thought it would be gone yet. He was still in a Moses basket in Sam's room but even my bed was gone and so I spent my first night on an inflatable mattress on the floor that every time I moved tipped me off and onto the wooden flooring.
I looked at my dress hung up on the back of the door, the ketchup stain still brightly shining from the front of it where Seth had dropped his hot dog on me whilst trying to quiz me on how he could make a girl fall for him at the wedding. This was before he found out the girl was like his fourth cousin from the Makah Res. Then he had quickly walked away with his head held low.
"Savannah, breakfast" Sam's voice boomed up the stairs, I looked out at the cars in drive, Jared was here and Jacob. I had thought that Sam and Emily would want to enjoy peace on their first day of being married but apparently we had a big pack gathering to attend this evening.
I wrapped myself in a cardigan over my pyjama shorts and top and slipped my fluffy boot slippers on before walking out of the baby room and into the hall, that was also littered in baby grows and diaper bags. I could hear the gurgling of two month old Joey, and Emily's coo's back to him. He was cute. He had the biggest brown eyes and little curls in his black hair, he was the spitting image of Emily but with Sam's nose which I felt bad about, poor kid didn't deserve a nose like that.
"Pancakes, syrup and scrambled eggs" Sam sung out over the radio which was drumming along to the Foo Fighters. "See, I remember these things" Sam smiled at me, he was trying too hard. There was also fresh orange juice on the table and chocolate croissants. My favourite foods. Last night he had been supplying me with alcohol despite Emily telling him ten times to stop, then he had let me eat his salted popcorn when we got back and he even told me he would let me drive his car if I wanted to learn to drive, he never let anyone touch his truck, it was his man mobile as he called it.
"Thanks" I mumbled moving to the free space in between Jared and Jake, both of them eyed me up but Jared looked at my knees, my right one had a graze but my left was cut quite deeply. It hurt to bend.
"So beach later, this is the first pack wedding so we thought we would be traditional" Emily beamed at me as she bounced the baby, she was glowing. "Well, traditional to us, back in the day Billy tells us that they would do traditional pack dances around a fire and call for blessings from the spirits or something like that, we figured grill some food, beer and football for the guys, baby cuddles and gossip for the girls. Traditional enough for us" She went on and I nodded and laughed as Jacob did a wolf call whilst waving his arms in the air in some sort of dance. "Exactly, I would rather not spend my night watching the boys try to dance"
"Sounds good" I nodded and went back to my breakfast, the guys began a conversation over me. Breakfast lasted all of five minutes, the minute I put my fork down Jacob dived on my leftovers. "I'm gonna shower and then I'm meeting Kim" I spoke more to Emily and she nodded like she already knew. I didn't mean to but I winced as I straightened my leg and the slight scrunch of my face made Sam stop his conversation to look at me.
"What's wrong?" He asked assessing me, Jared eyed me curiously but said nothing. I shrugged it off but Sam followed me with his eyes as I walked around the kitchen island and to the sink.
"I fell in those heels yesterday that's all, I'm not good in anything but flats" I finally spoke, he didn't seem satisfied at first but after a moment he nodded and I snuck past him and to the stairs. I didn't even look at Emily, I just went as fast as I could upstairs and into the bathroom. I didn't want Embry getting into trouble for it, or Paul, not really. It was my water stung my knees, but the dirt and grit from the parking lot ran out of the cut and I managed to find a band aid in the cupboard, it looked better without the dry blood and dirt but I had to use two band aids to cover it properly. I wrapped the towel around me and crept into the hall, half expecting one of the guys to be jumping around wanting to use the toilet like they usually are but instead all I heard was Sam's low voice, the voice he used when he was angry.
"He did what?"
"Look, Sam I spoke to him, he's real cut up about yesterday"
"He missed my wedding, my wedding, his best friend, he wasn't there and then he does that? After months of moping about her being gone, she comes back and he does that?"
Paul. It was Paul, I knew it was about Paul. My body frozen, water dripped slowly onto the carpet beneath my feet but I didn't move.
"Sam" Jared sounding like he was trying to beg or plead.
"Na, you tell him to stay away. He comes near here or her then" Sam paused.
"Then what? What you gonna do Sam?" Jared was goading him now, I could feel the tension. "You gonna fight your best friend, you gonna make him loose yet another person in his life? What Sam?"
"He's not welcome" Sam spoke and I knew it was his final words on the matter, his voice rang out in authority and Jared made no comeback. There was silence then I heard the door open and slam shut, then silence again. I walked to my bedroom, my heart thumping in my chest and I made it to the window in time to see Jared storm into the trees. He was furious, I could see him shaking as he walked away.
"He's been trying so hard to keep them all together and civil" A voice spoke behind me causing me to jump, Emily was stood in the doorway. I looked out of the window again as Sam got into his truck and drove away. "There has been a lot of fighting recently, the guys are being pulled in two directions and Jared is the peacekeeper or trying to be" She went on.
"Because of me" I said and she smiled sadly.
"Because of things, not just you, Paul made mistakes and hurt people, Sam said things and then there's" She stopped, her eyes went red and watery, her chin twitched and for a second I thought she was going to cry but as it came she shook herself off and smiled. "How about you get ready and I'll drive you to Kim's, she's so excited you are home. We all are" Emily smiled kindly again and walked backwards closing the door slightly. She was going to say something else, I could tell she was. She had looked upset. Something had happened, something bad. But she wasn't telling me, why? It couldn't involve me, but maybe it did.
I sighed a heavy sigh and grabbed for my clothes, only stopping when movement outside caught my eye but when I looked out nothing was there, just the wind rustling the leaves of the bushes.
...
"And then she decided that we would all wear red, then it was bright pink, then it was chocolate brown which was hideous. She's been a nightmare, honestly you should be glad you missed it all. Still curious as to how the dress got to you"
"Emily sent it" I replied as Kim and I walked down the cold beach. Wet sand began to fill my shoes and the bottom of my skinny jeans were growing damp.
"She never mentioned it, come to think of it I don't even think she knew you were in New York, we all thought you had stayed in Chicago and were ignoring us" Kim went on. "I didn't know you had gone to New York until today, Em wouldn't keep it secret surely, unless of course she wanted" She stopped looked at me and smiled awkwardly.
"What?" I questioned and she shrugged. "What? What?" I pushed and gripped my coffee cup closer.
"Maybe she just didn't want Paul knowing, we didn't need that happening again" She rolled her eyes.
"What? What happening? What are you on about?" I stopped walking and turned on the friend I had spent all afternoon with. She shrugged again and bit her bottom lip.
"Well, Paul was upset when he came back, you know he went crazy, tore his house apart, nearly killed Leah"
"Back from where? What did Leah do?"
Kim looked at me, then past me then back at me. "It's not my business, forget I mentioned it"
"Kim, you can't just say that and then stop" I pushed but she smiled awkwardly. "Kimberley" I nearly shouted, it probably was a shout but the wind cancelled it out.
"Calm down" She whispered back, she was nervous.
"Then stop keeping secrets"
"Fine" She pulled my arm and dragged me further down the beach whilst checking the trail behind us. "Paul flew out to Chicago after you left to find you, Sam was refusing to tell him where you had gone, they got into a huge argument but nobody would tell him then he disappeared and when he came back a couple weeks later he" She paused, my insides were crumbling away. I didn't believe what she was saying. If Paul came to find me why didn't he find me? "He was different, he wasn't upset or sad like he had been, he was raging, he was so angry he nearly killed Leah"
"What? Why Leah?" I asked trying to ignore the comment about how upset he was but Kim slapped her lips shut and shook her head.
"Hey girls" A new voice joined the conversation but I didn't look at them in a greeting like Kim did, I simply stared at her. I had been with her all day and now she decides to tell me this, after I spent all day with her.
"Kim" I snapped ignoring the person next to us. She said nothing, just shook her head and smiled at who was now with us.
"Everything ok?" The voice asked and I realised how sweet of a voice it was, almost like it was singing. I turned and saw the most beautiful girl looking back at me. Her golden eyes shone out along with her auburn hair that fell in ringlets around her shoulders. She seemed familiar, yet I don't think I had met her. "Savannah, it's so good to see you, I wasn't able to attend the wedding I had to go with daddy to visit someone" She spoke again, her words falling out so freely. I smiled but I was in awe of her beauty. She was white, pure white but with natural blush to her cheeks and plump pink lips. I knew her, but how?
"Renesmee" Kim offered noticing how confused I looked. Renesmee? The kid, the little kid who was like 8 years old when I left? She looked easily 14 now, maybe older. No. I knew she grew faster, they had explained that to me but she had grown so much.
"I had an unexpected growth spurt, grandpa thinks it's normal but daddy took me to see another half vampire we know, just to make sure, apparently it's ok they think I will be fully grown in about two years"
"Another half vampire?" I stuttered, there were more of her? I thought she was special.
"Oh yes, he lives in the Amazon but he is quite nice. Jakey hates him though, jealous mom says" She beamed. I was lost. I was in awe of her.
"It's takes getting used to, her face" Kim added in quietly and the girl laughed.
"How are you? How was Chicago?" Renesmee asked, I couldn't quite find my words but I nodded then shrugged then shook my head and smiled.
"I umm I was actually in New York" I finally spoke.
"Oh nobody told me that"
"Nobody knew" Kim added to the conversation. I went to argue that Emily knew but a few of the guys ran past throwing a football as they went and I lost my trail of thought. "Well let's get this over with" Kim nudged me toward the group, Emily, Sam, Leah and Jake were still on their way down but the others were running around, Claire was following Quil like a lost puppy as he threw a ball to Seth.
It only took them five minutes to hurt Claire, Embry sent the ball straight into her little face and so she was now sat in Kim's lap on the blanket holding a cold can of beer over her swelling eye. I was still in awe of Nessie, she was beautiful. I felt jealous and slightly self conscious.
Emily was right about how the evening would go down, the guys played football badly, Jared and Sam burnt the grilled food, the girls gossiped about everything and Leah, well Leah stared at me uncomfortably for most of it. I wanted to ask what had happened between her and Paul but she scared me so I didn't say a word to her.
It was nearly half ten, the darkness had rolled in and a small fire had been lit. Joey had gone with Sue and Billy about an hour ago, Claire was asleep on Quil and Nessie was falling asleep on Jake. The conversations had steered clear of topics surround me or Paul, and for that I was grateful but as I went to sip on the cocoa that Embry had badly made for me I saw the majority of the guys sat around me stiffen, even Leah went rigid as if she had smelt something bad. For a second I thought maybe a vampire, but then if it were a leech they wouldn't all be sat on the sand watching me. It took me a second to realise it but each one was watching me, even Sam. I hadn't a clue why, that was until I heard the rustling of keys and I turned to glance around the tree stump I was I leant against. That was when I followed suit and fell rigid, my body went shaky and my heart filled my ears, I had to gulp back a stuck air bubble. Paul was approaching us, he was wearing cut off shorts and a ripped shirt, he looked a mess.
"What do you want?" Sam spoke first before Paul could even stop, his eyebrows hardened and his jaw twitched but he stayed cool.
"Sam, I don't want to start trouble"
"Then why come?" Sam snapped back and I turned to look at my brother.
"Sam please" Jared groaned burying his head in his hands. I felt like I was missing something, when I had left Paul and Sam were beginning to be friends again, sort of anyway.
"No, you've made your bed" Sam spat and looked away. Embry moved closer to me in such a quick movement that had I not been looking at him I wouldn't have noticed it.
"Not by choice" Paul answered back. I had no idea what they were talking about.
"I gave you the benefit of the doubt, I let it all go Paul and then yesterday"
"Yesterday I was taken a bit by surprise, don't you think?"
"You could have handled it better, but you didn't, you did your usual routine. You were my best man and you weren't there so you don't really deserve to be here" Sam went on and Embry groaned. I had the feeling that this wasn't uncommon. II sort of understood, Paul missed his best friends wedding, Sam had the right to be pissed. But Paul hadn't expected me. I think that's what this was about.
"Fine, I just came to drop this off" Paul held out a card but Sam didn't take it, there was so much tension. "Whatever man" Paul dropped it into the sand and Sam picked it up, I thought for a second he would just give it to Emily or open it but he tossed it into the fire.
"Sam" I shouted as he did it, Emily slapped her hand over her mouth while Jared buried his head even more.
"Whatever man" Paul walked backwards, defeated. The Paul I knew would have launched at Sam but he just walked away with his shoulders hunched. He was broken, that's how he looked. I turned back to my brother, he looked just as bad, he looked guilty but I didn't care. I kicked my cup over and stood up.
"Asshole, you are an asshole. How dare you treat someone like that" I shouted while Embry tried pulling me back down and everyone else looked in separate directions.
"Sure, because he treats people any better"
"Oh get over yourself Sam" I spat and turned dropping my jacket from my shoulders as I went jumping over the bags and people until my feet hit the sand. Paul was storming up the beach toward the path that led to the cliffs. I didn't call out for him; I just followed him as fast I could. I wasn't even sure why, he was angry with me, I was scared of him but I kept going. We hit the tree line and I looked back, the fire and group of people had faded so much that I barely saw it, then all I saw was trees but I kept going, I couldn't even see Paul but my feet kept moving.
I kept going and going until the wind hit me, the smell of salt rushed through my nose and I had to stop to catch my breath. I looked out at the scene in front of me; I was on the highest cliff top. The rough sea crashing in the distance, Paul, he was punching at a tree that lay broken and dying by the cliff edge. He was crying. His cries mixed with the fierce roars of the sea swirl, he kept pounding the tree trunk.
"Paul" I said but even I couldn't hear myself. "Paul" I spoke louder but he just punched harder and harder until blood trickled down his knuckles. I ran forward as he went to launch another punch into the tree, I caught his arm but the force of his hit sent me flying into the tree and his fist stopped a millimetre from my face. I winced, I shut my eyes and scrunched my face up waiting for the hit but it never came. His heavy breathing filled my ears, the smell of him filled my nose, it felt like hours passed until I finally opened my eyes, his fist was still in front of my face but his face was contorted. He looked raged, but upset, he looked hurt and tears stained his tanned cheeks.
He looked at his fist, then at me. Within a second he dropped his hands and stumbled back looking at his hands as blood covered them, he looked confused, hurt even.
"I didn't hear you" He whispered, I barely heard him. "I didn't smell you, I didn't, I didn't know" He sounded like he was begging, begging with both me and himself. He was staring at his hands. I didn't know what he meant but he seemed distressed. My shoulder was hurting from where I had been thrown into the tree and I winced as I shuffled to stand properly. This made him look up, he assessed me and stumbled back again, the distress on his face even more prominent. "I hurt you" He mumbled and it finally clicked.
He had been so angry he hadn't realised I was here, he didn't realise I had grabbed his arm, he didn't realise what he had just done. But he hadn't, he hadn't hit me, he stopped himself. I was fine.
"I'm fine" I said shakily and he shook his head staring at my shoulder. My top was ripped, there was blood and a flap of skin hanging off. I wasn't ok. I was bleeding.
"I, I, I" He stuttered and lifted his hands, they were broken, his knuckles were broken. Instinctively I walked forward reaching for him and he flinched, I flinched but because the movement of my body hurt my shoulder.
"You've broke your knuckles" I offered as I held my hands out waiting for him to make the move, waiting for him to give me his hands. I thought he wasn't going to but then he slowly lay them out for me. "Paul" I started as I traced his blood covered hands gently, they were a mess.
"I can't" He shook his head and backed away again.
"These are going to heal soon aren't they?" I asked and he nodded taking them away from my hold. "Paul, I have to take you to the hospital, the bones can't heal like this, and you won't be able to use your hands" I said and he shook his head looking at my shoulder. I glanced too, it was bad but I just shook my head trying to act like it was ok. "Let me help you" I spoke softer; scared he would turn angry again.
"I can't" He repeated, he sounded like a child.
"Why? Why can't you?"
He looked at me, a tear fell down his cheek and I saw how hurt he really was. What happened to him? Was this all me? I abandoned him and this was what I turned him into?
"I can't go through it again, all of it" He confirmed what I thought, he was scared, he was hurt and scared. All my fault.
"You won't" I promised, he didn't believe me. "Let me help you, please"
"No, you, I need to get you somewhere" He looked at my shoulder. "We need my truck"
"You can't drive" I said, I felt blood falling down my arm, I felt slightly dizzy but his hands were a mess. I walked closer to him, I could feel myself going dizzier, I felt like I had no strength. The adrenaline, the realisation of how much I had hurt Paul and the pain in my shoulder was building. I felt faint. I walked closer to the man in front of us until we nearly touched. "Paul" I spoke but he wouldn't look at me.
"I need to get you sorted and back to Sam" He spoke without looking at me.
"Paul" I said again and again he looked straight passed me. "Look at me" I spoke, my speech was slightly slurred, I could hear it myself. But he finally looked down at me. The pain that had been inside me for months snapped, I felt a rush of warmth and it felt like my body lifted from the ground but I knew I was still stood there. Why had I run from him? What had happened when I was gone? Why did this have to be this way?
"I'm sorry" I said, I felt sick, I felt faint but I felt warm and so I stayed where I was. I watched as he looked down at me, his face began to blur. This was a dream, maybe, maybe I was waking up.
"I missed you" Paul spoke back; he moved closer, his face was coming closer to me. I wanted to reach for him, hug him, tell him it was my fault but the dream ended, or maybe it was reality that ended because everything around me went black and I felt myself fall.