I'm so sorry it took such a long time to update. But in my defense I had a lot on my plate the last few weeks and a giantic writers block on this one. I have tried many ways to end this story, tried different approaches. In the end it became this one, I do hope you like it!
Thank you so much for the reviews, the followers,... They really make my day and I do love them all. So you'll know what to do :)
She doesn't deal well with failure, okay rephrase that, she doesn't deal with failures period. Failures are best forgotten, pushed to the back of your mind, let alcohol do the trick and lead you into a dreamless slumber. Usually only worked for the night, but still that had been her routine when things went badly, when things didn't go her way and she couldn't do anything about it.
This failure had presented itself as a white envelope lying on Hetty's desk. Nothing to be suspicious about, well not if the envelope hadn't bore her partners handwriting and it being addressed to Hetty. It could only mean one thing and the only thing she had feared the most.
The anger had risen up, but it has been a panic fueled anger at herself. She stood to lose the best thing that ever happened to her and she couldn't deal with it. Shouldn't have to deal with it, if she had behaved herself.
She feels like a gigantic black hole had opened up beneath her and was drawing her in with all its might. She fights hard against it, but sometimes she wants to let go, to let her be sucked in and let the hole erase everything from her mind, from her life. But whenever that thought enters her mind, it become a reason to fight harder. She doesn't want to forget, despite the hurt she is feeling right now. Because erasing everything, erasing him from her life also means she has to give up on the good times they shared. And she's not ready to face that, she doubts she'll ever be ready to lose him. She doesn't want to give up on her team, on their partnership, on the unnamed thing between them. Truthfully she wants to find out what the thing means, where it might lead them. For the first time he entered her life, she's knows, she's absolute sure about it. He's her everything. While she's not sure what that means exactly, how and on what level he's her everything, there is one thing she's sure off. She doesn't want to lose him, doesn't want to give up on them.
It still takes a good hour before she musters up the guts to get up and head out. While everything is clear inside her mind, it's another thing to actually do it, to actually go and see him. He's usually the one that takes the first step, the one who knocks on the door late at night with some snacks in hand. He usually knows the trick to get her to talk, to vent whatever is troubling her. Now it's her time to return to favor, to show up at his place and try to find out what's really going on (although she has a good idea ) and to get him to open up.
But it has always been his thing and she never really paid any attention, figuring he would always be there to help her out of a tight spot. Figured he would always be there when she can't sleep, can't shake of a bad case and needed that shoulder to cry on. Not that she actually ever shed any tears, she always felt relieved when he had been around, had held her trough the night and allowed her to go to sleep. Kensi Blye, however is not a coward and while it scares the hell out of her, she's in the car on her way over. She briefly thinks about stopping for some snacks, but decides against it. She wants it to be her, to be the very reason he sits down and listens to her, not because she bought his love with donuts.
His front door come in to view and she really has to fight the reflex to turn and run. If she does, she'll lose him and that's even worse. So she knocks and braces herself.
It's close to a minute before the door opens. She fears he's ignoring her, but when he finally does opens the door, she realizes he didn't. Well not this time anyway. His still wet hair and the little wet spots on his shirt tells her she interrupted the end of his shower routine.
They stand there, looking at each other. Not a word is spoken but it gives her the time to look at him, to really look at him and see if she can see the man behind the mask. What she sees is anger mixed with hurt. It only adds fuel to her fire, to her fear. She has only witnessed her partner 's anger a few times in their partnership, but she knows to be careful. That side, a side he works hard to keep hidden, to keep under control, is the only thing that's is true to his father and it can be dangerous. So she doesn't barge inside but asks if she can. He doesn't respond, well not with words, but he does stand aside leaving room for her to enter.
The inside of his apartment is clean, nothing unexpected there, he's borderline OCD on that. It's so different from hers, but every time she walks in her, spends a good deal of the night here, it feels like home, a place where she's always welcome. Well perhaps not today, but she's death set on changing that.
'You can't do it.' she says as she turns to face him. He still standing near the now closed front door.
'I can't of you won't let me?' he replies.
She looks away. She would give pretty much everything to make him change her mind, to make him listen to her, but she knows she can't. He's his own man, he can make the decisions he wants or feels like.
'I can't make you.' She starts, willing herself to look at him for the next part.
'But I'm asking you not to do it.'
For the first time she's here something else shows on his face. He's definitely surprised.
'really, and why's that?'
She has no answer, simply because she doesn't know. There is so much going on in her head, so many conflicting emotions she finds it hard to concentrate on one thing, on finding an answer to his question. It takes too long however and she can see a shift inside of him. Like he's steeling himself for the next part.
'I'm pretty sure Hetty will find you another partner in no time. Probably someone with the adapt training not to shame you. You'll be just fine.' He says, his voice hard and emotionless.
She knows shock must be plastered on her face, she can feel her mouth fall open a tiny bit before she's back on control. Her anger spikes , she can feel the anger rising, the anger because once again he puts himself down, pretends he's worth nothing. If he only knew the truth, how they all owe their lives to him. And she's never ashamed of needing to work with him. Actually she loves it, secretly loves the way the people look at them, look at her, the jealousy clearly written on their faces. There is a lot she feels where he's concerned, but never shame.
'I don't want to.' She says.
'fair enough, but I do believe it's time I do what I want.' He reaches for the door when saying this. His intentions are clear and she can feel herself walk towards it.
Tears well up, but she fights them. She doesn't want him to see them, although what she really wants is him walking over to her and engulf her in his strong arms. It has become her safe haven, her place to breathe. While she usually puts up a fight, not letting him close she secretly craves for his care, for his voice in her ears telling her everything will be alright. She knows he can do it, will do it, she's been in the position before. Mostly quite drunk or depressed but she remembers every single time he did. The open door comes closer and now her entire being screams and fights against her will. She doesn't want to leave, doesn't want to turn away from the best thing she ever has and yet she's walking towards the door, her pace somewhat steady.
It's only when she's in the opening that she comes to a halt, where her mind seemingly lets her heart in control. She's on the doorstep and she knows that the next step will take her out of his life forever. He can't blame her for taking her time to do this, to contemplate everything behind this move, the repercussions of this move. The sunlight hits her, and the reality hits as well. If she does this, if she actually walks away he's gone forever. And she doesn't want that, she can't have that, will not survive that. So she turns around and looks him straight in the eye.
' NO' it comes out far stronger then she planned, but it has everything in it, her determination to see this truth, the anger, the fear, the hurt, everything she is and everything she feels is put inside those two letters and he can feel it. The way he steps back a little, the shock and surprise written all over her face.
'I'm not doing this, I'm not walking away from you. I'll not let you shut me out and make me go away. You hear me?'
'Really? I ask you one thing and it's too much?' come his reply. 'Why does it always have to be the way you want it? The way you see it? The great Miss Blye, always ready to kick your ass, always ready to make someone else feel inferior just because she likes to, because she feels like. Well let me tell you something. I have had enough. If you can't see me for who I am, for what I can be and do, I don't see a point in working with you.'
His words hurt, carve right through her soul. Is that really how he see her, how he sees their relationship? She can't think about it as it hurts too much. His assessment, obviously from anger isn't far from the truth. She only has to think about what she said to him just three weeks ago, it had been the epicenter of her feeling all great and superior. While she always demands respect for the things she's done and has reached, she's never gives it back. Not to him anyway. She expects him to be there for her, to pretty much wait on her every need and demand. Even in this situation she has expected something from him, some submissive actions to make her feel good. The fact that he would react differently, not according to her plan hasn't entered her mind and is once again an example of how this relationship has shifted, how she controls and he follows.
She knows she's bossy around him, needs to be to conceal her true emotions. She can't, or couldn't have him notice her feelings, her emotions and for what? Only to anger him further, up until the point she openly questioned his abilities? On a part of their profession where he's simply the more skilled one, the more experienced one? It clearly backfired. She had kept everything at bay, hidden behind a mask of bossiness not to hurt their relationship, their unnamed thing. But she forgot one thing, one important thing and it's now biting back with a vengeance. Underneath his laid back image of a careless surfer dude, hides an emotional wreck, a little boy who needed to shoot his own father to survive and who had been abandoned by everyone. And while he is more stable than her, a part of him does care, that does let the playful teasing get to him. And she realized that for her to save this relation, to make him see she's worth fighting for, worth being around, she needs to open up. She can't assume he knows what he means to her, it's clear he doesn't know, doesn't realize. She needs to tell him the truth.
'Deeks, Marty, I, ….' Words seemingly fail her, the way his ocean blue eyes look at her, pierce right through her soul and all the defenses she put up there. He's not helping her by looking at her, but he does remain silent. Perhaps he does feel her need to say something to her. Her mouth runs dry, her tongue stuck, but she has to do it, she has to say it, otherwise everything will be lost.
'I came here to ask you not to resign, not to leave the team. I do realize we and mostly me are not in the position to make those demands. You have every right to be angry, every right to question our motives and our loyalty to you. Loyalty that does exist, we're just not good at showing it. But that's not the main reason why I'm here. I came here to tell you I'm sorry for everything I said to you that could possibly have hurt you or make you feel any less. Because you're not. If the last three weeks have told me something, is that I need to learn to shut my mouth and pay attention. There is still a lot to learn and I should take those chances when they present themselves, not throw them away.'
'Kens, …' he tries to butt in, but she silences him. She won't be able to continue if he does. Besides at this moment she doesn't deserve to be consoled by him.
'There is something else, something else I need you to know, and that's the second reason I'm here. My own reason, maybe the most important reason for asking you not to resign, not to turn away from me is quite simple. I can't do it without you. I can't face the reality of this job, the things we need to do without you at my side. I used think I didn't need anyone, but I do need people, just not any people. I need you around, you're my safest place to hide.'
He's at her side in less than a second, a calloused thumb wipes away the tears she hasn't noticed falling on her face. He doesn't say anything, just pulls her close and takes her in his arms. The one place where she wants to be. She lets her tears run freely, letting herself go. His hand starts to circle on her back, she can hear him say that everything well be alright.
They still have a long way to go but she's ready to take it, to walk down this road with him and see where they'll end up. As long as they are together, have each other to fall back on, she knows everything will be alright one day. He really saved her day a few days ago, he really is her savior and above all, he really is her safest place to hide.
It took a lot out of me, but I did feel this was the right ending.
Let me know what you think!