Title: A Chance to Grow
Former Title: Those Qualities Upon Which Friendship Lives
Author: Mena
Contact Info:
Summary: Mary returns to Misselthwaite Manor from boarding school in London more of a lady than ever and Dickon sees her in a new light -- the problem is, so does Colin.
Ship: Mary/Dickon
Disclaimer: The characters in this story were created by Frances Hodgson Burnett and published in 1911 as "The Secret Garden". I do not own the characters. The Secret Garden is now in the public domain.
Chapter Fifteen
Colin rose from his chair and nodded. What on earth could Dickon want?
Dickon entered the room, holding his hat. He stopped inside the door and waited as Martha left, closing it behind her.
"What is it?" asked Colin. The windows were still heavily draped and the only light shone through a crack between them. Colin did not offer to pull the curtains; he didn't care to see Dickon's face clearly and also wished to remain as hidden as possible.
"Colin, I know tha's angry with Mary—"
"I'm angry with you as well, perhaps moreso."
"I cana help what I feel for Miss Mary or that she feels the same for me. I never expected it, I had it fit in my mind that she would come home and pass me by. I thought she would find a high society lad in London and that would be the end of it. We hardly got a letter while she was away with her studies, I figured well, she's grown and we cana hold her back."
"Any society lad would have been a better choice than you," said Colin.
"I'm sure that's true, Colin. I know my place, I know I don't 'ave money and I'm common. I come from common stock, but we're a good family and we don't lack in love. Me mother's hardworking, you know my sister does her best for you."
Colin softened. Dickon wasn't being proud or competitive; his demeanor showed only friendship. "Then why marry Mary, Dickon? If you already know she doesn't belong with you?" he asked plainly.
"I cana deny that I love her and 'ave for a long time. If she accepts me, if she wants this, how can I take it away from her?"
"But you must, don't you see? She will live as a pauper, she will not have all the things that are hers by birthright. She will never again be accepted into polite society and you very well could be taking away everything from her – a chance to be more than just a wife or mother." Colin spilled out all of his worries in one long breath. He wanted more than that for Mary. The times were changing and women didn't have to be as confined to the home. He wanted to explore the world with Mary by his side, and if she chose Dickon she might never get to step foot outside of Yorkshire again. "I can offer her so much more."
"You're right, Colin. You can. I come here to talk to you as an equal and as a friend. I think, I hope we will always be friends but I know we will never be equals."
"That's not my fault," Colin said.
"No, I know. It's not. But tha holds to society's rules so tightly, they come before anything else. They come before heart and what really matters." Dickon sounded sad, his voice quiet.
"Even if you have love and all of that, what good is it if you live in a bog? You can't provide a decent meal on the table, you clip hedges every day and come home dirty."
"I never minded it. A hard day's work helping the gardens and the animals never hurt me a bit. It's what I love," said Dickon.
"Mary is what I love," said Colin. "You've already got everything you want and need, why Mary on top of it all? You have your Mum, your brothers and sisters and other friends. I have only my father and Mary."
"You 'ave other friends, Colin."
"They don't matter. Just people I meet in pubs; I don't really care for them. They don't know me, where I came from, what I've dealt with. Some of them are so infatuated with drink that they can't even recall we had a war, much less fought in it."
"Drowning their sorrows, they are," Dickon said knowingly.
"You always have such sympathy for everyone, why is there none for me?"
"I do feel for you, Colin. I don't like to see you vexed, to see you go back to the little boy you were long ago. When Mary came back, it wasn't she that changed as much as tha did. Tha forgot everything we learned together. Taking up with strangers, rumors going around and around – aye, we hear them too though me mum hates gossip. Things are being said about you that I cana believe, won't believe. I think sometimes it may 'ave been better for Mary to stay in London or never 'ave come back at all."
Colin sat down and remained silent. Dickon had always been the young sage, the one who stood quietly in the background but somehow always knew what everyone was thinking or which direction they should take. Colin had expected an argument but had never experienced one like this; usually his arguments disintegrated into fisticuffs. What Dickon said about him was true; he had put so much into Mary that he'd regressed to his old ways. A thought dawned on him: what if he'd lost Mary's interest due to his behavior? There could still be a chance for him to win her over. He'd show her that he was mature, as mature as Dickon or even moreso. She'd see that he was the better choice. It wasn't he that Mary had rejected, just his old ways coming back.
Colin felt a pang of guilt scheming to steal Mary back from Dickon with Dickon in the room and having given him the idea. All is fair in love and war, he thought to himself. Surely Dickon must know that.
"What will you do?" Colin asked.
"I 'ave thought long and hard about it, Colin. I think it best to let Mary decide. I'll do as she asks. I don't like 'aving tha vexed over it. Both of thee are my friends – longtime friends."
And thus the proverbial door opened just a crack, enough to let the light of hope into Colin's heart once more. Excitement rose within him as his mind raced. There were so many things to do. First order of business, get rid of Catherine and all the so-called friends he'd been spending his time with. Fix his reputation and prove himself to Mary. He'd show her the life she deserved to live, and that he could provide it better than anyone else.
"All right," said Colin. "We'll let Mary decide. Let the best man win."
* * *
Mary entered the hot bath Martha had prepared for her and sank into the water, enjoying the feeling of being enveloped and calmed. She needed time alone to think about all that had transpired since her return to the manor and about the two young men who were now fighting for her affections. Colin had come so far from the child he had been, but was still so far away from being a true gentleman. Maybe it was the war that tarnished him again. Mary didn't like to think it could be her own fault, but the thought crept in and she couldn't push it away. Even Uncle Archie had been upset by all of this. Surely her marrying Dickon couldn't have been so far fetched an idea in everyone's mind that it came as such a shock? They must have known how she felt about him, even before she left for school. The time they spent together, how could everyone be so blind? Especially Colin, whom she knew loved her but also deluded herself into believing that he accepted his love was unrequited at least in the way it was offered.
Colin's words echoed in Mary's mind and she now doubted her own actions. Not her feelings, for her heart belonged to Dickon and always had, but her hasty actions in allowing all of this to come about so quickly after her return. She should have given everyone time to get to know her again, for her to reacquaint herself with the boys. School had given her a sense of being a woman of the world, more experienced and sophisticated. The truth remained that she did need more time and wasn't truly ready to be a wife – to anyone. Love could overcome many obstacles, but Mary wanted to make sure she wasn't shortchanging her own self. What was it she'd wanted to do with her life? Settle down and marry? Raise children? In school she had met young ladies who were well versed in languages and art, who could play the piano or other instruments. Molly Harker, a girl from Bath entrusted to Mary her secret wish to become an actress and singer on the stage. Charlotte Billings from Surrey dreamed of being a teacher. Perhaps they would also marry and resign themselves to it, but perhaps they would have the chance to fulfill their own hopes and dreams. These were hopes and dreams that were regularly quashed by the professors and matron; the girls were told of how women who didn't follow the rigid line of society could fall into easy ruin and have only themselves to blame.
So who could Mary blame if she chose wrongly? Was being Mrs. Dickon Sowerby enough? He would be head gardener of Misselthwaite. Colin would inherit the manor and when that happened, what would become of them all? Colin could turn them out on a whim if he so chose. He could hold a grudge and make their lives extremely unpleasant. Or Dickon could inherit his mother's small cottage, though that would surely mean either living tightly with his younger siblings who had not yet secured places of their own or worse – having to turn them out. Mary couldn't see Dickon ever doing that.
The harsh reality of it all was that Colin remained a good match for her and they could live happily in the manor. She'd want for nothing; nothing that money could buy, anyway. But if she married her cousin she knew that he would have to turn out Dickon Sowerby because Colin could no more bear to have his rival so accessible than Mary could knowing how his heart burned for her. She wouldn't be able to resist that fire for long.
The water had chilled and Mary shivered. Instead of calling for Martha to bring more hot water, Mary gave up on her bathe and dried herself off. She put on her nightgown and unpinned her hair, then climbed into bed. It was still early but worry bore her down. In that moment she wished she'd stayed in London, wished that Colin and Dickon had found other women or had never gone to war in the first place, and wished that she still believed in magic because only magic could ease the ache that had taken root in her heart.
A/N I've already started Chapter 16, which will focus on Colin's efforts to win Mary back. Thanks for reading and reviewing!