Title: A Chance to Grow
Author: Mena
Chapter Sixteen
Colin woke with a renewed energy; a new day had begun and he would waste no time righting his wrongs. He immediately called Martha to draw him a bath and then spent a good deal of time washing and dressing, making sure he looked a proper gentleman. He stole off to the kitchens where Cook pretended not to notice him grab a slice of bread and some cheese for his hasty breakfast. He planned on a long ride to visit Catherine and say what needed to be said. She wouldn't take it well, but Colin's mind was made up. He found her at home and quite taken aback at his formality.
"Catherine, there is something I must say to you, and in all honesty I do blame myself for my boorish behavior while we have been acquainted—"
"Acquainted?" she asked. "Is that what the lads call it now?"
He cleared his throat. "I won't be coming to visit any longer. I realize that our…relationship is strained and I must attend to matters which can no longer be ignored. I'm sorry."
"Eh, so I was just a distraction from 'matters which can no longer be ignored'?" She shook her head and gave him a look of disgust. "All those days and nights you came to me and trusted me with your worries. I was getting to think maybe you actually cared for me just a little."
"I am sorry," he repeated, stressing the word "am."
"You'll be back," she said. "Once your 'matters' are well worked out, I'm sure."
"Don't be," he said sternly and turned on his heel.
"I'll see you again before the month is out, Colin. I know you too well. You need me. After all, you do need me."
He stopped and turned to look at her. "No, you don't. You don't know me at all. And you don't know what I need. I am of course grateful for the comforts you've provided --"
Catherine scoffed. "Don't worry, I was handsomely paid."
Colin softened slightly, recognizing that Catherine didn't want their relationship to end like this, if at all. He took her hands in his. "Catherine, it was my mistake. For that I am sorry, truly sorry. I should never have done what I did, but I can't go back now. I do hope you will forgive me, but I cannot see you anymore. For any reason."
"I don't know where all of this is coming from, Colin. Don't you care at all about me?"
Colin knew she hoped for a satisfactory answer, that his heart had warmed to her and that he would even perhaps help her find a way out of her lot. The prostitute who could be saved from that life by the noble gentleman – but it was not to be. Even if Colin lost Mary forever, he knew he was not in love with Catherine. Pursuing this relationship would also hurt his reputation for he could never, ever marry such a girl no matter how short a time she had been in his employ. He didn't know how to answer her.
"I still think you'll be back. When your heart's broken or you're lonesome again. And you know I'll be here, for I've nowhere else to go," she said. She squeezed his hands gently, then parted from him.
"I never intended—" he began, but she cut him off.
"You know what they say about intentions, Colin."
"I'm sorry," he said. "I must go."
"I'm sorry, too." Catherine turned and went back inside the house, shutting the door quietly.
Saying goodbye to Catherine had been more difficult than he'd expected, and he felt an odd sort of emptiness and regret for letting her go. It wasn't so much he cared for her but that he needed her and she'd been a welcome diversion from home life. An amusement of sorts. He'd become too isolated, his life revolved around entertaining himself from one minute to the next, trying to stave off that eternal specter of boredom. Even the garden had been an amusement, and perhaps Mary herself had served the same purpose.
"There must be something more than this," he said aloud as he mounted his horse. He looked around at the homes and people bustling in and out of them, going about their work. Little villages seemed such dirty, ugly places full of common folk. He felt a pang of disgust, and rode on toward home.
When Colin arrived back at Misselthwaite, he found Mary just finishing her afternoon meal with his father.
"Where've you been, Colin?" asked Archie. "I haven't seen you all morning."
"I was beginning to worry," said Mary.
"I had some business to attend to in one of the villages," Colin replied. He sat at the table across from Mary, who eyed him curiously. He wondered if she were thinking he'd been doing something unsavory. "Just business," he clarified for Mary's benefit. "Nothing more. It took me quite a while to get there and back; the roads were quite muddy."
"I have a spot of good news, at least for Mrs. Medlock," said Archie. "Mr. Markham will be returning to help Ben finish those plants he started on so long ago."
"Oh those," said Colin. "Really, there's no need."
"Ben is having trouble completing them and it's more for Mrs. Medlock's benefit than anyone's since I noticed she became a bit taken with the man when he was here last. I felt a bit sorry for her when he left."
"That's very kind of you, Uncle Archie. She should have a companion, after all. It's very sweet," said Mary, smiling.
"Martha has been ready to take over for some time now, so I secretly wanted to see if I could in some small way encourage the change and allow Medlock to finally let go of Misselthwaite. She's been here so very long and poured her life into it. I think Martha is more than capable of the job now."
"I agree, Uncle. Martha's lovely; I know she would appreciate it, too."
"It's better pay as well," said Colin.
"That will help the Sowerby's quite a bit," said Mary in between sips of tea.
"And of course Ben is also about ready to retire from service. We've been talking and it seems he is less able to move around due to his rheumatism. So young Dickon will soon take his place as well and I've asked him if one or two of his younger brothers might take employment as his apprentice with his young sister Anne taking Martha's old place."
Overrun with Sowerby's, thought Colin, though he was wise enough to hold his tongue. Martha in charge of the house, Dickon in charge of the grounds, their brother and sister coming on as well. He grit his teeth.
"Are you well, Colin?" asked Mary.
"Fine, why do you ask?"
"You just looked a bit piqued there for a moment."
"I'm right as rain," he said pleasantly.
"Speaking of rain," said Uncle Archie. "We're to have another storm."
"Oh why must England be so wet?"
"I like it this way, it's much better than India. India was so dry all the time and hot," said Mary. "Plus the rain helps the flowers grow."
"Rain is fine but so much of it? We've had storms so many times in the past month, it's a wonder the flowers aren't all drowned."
Mary laughed, and Colin welcomed her smile. It had been so long since she'd laughed with him.
"I was planning a trip away this weekend," said Archie. "Would either or both of you like to join me?"
"Where are you going, Uncle?"
"I thought I might take the train to London."
Mary brightened. "Oh, London!"
"You were just there a few weeks ago, have you missed it so much so soon?" asked Colin.
"Yes, I guess I have," she replied. "I hadn't realized it until now. I could see a few of my friends again. If you come I could introduce you, Colin."
"I'd like that," he said. He wasn't as much in the mood to meet Mary's friends as he was to spend some time away from the manor and have a chance to show Mary that he had changed for the better. He still needed to apologize to her for his behavior of late, and discreetly inform her that Catherine was no longer in his life. A trip to London couldn't have come at a better time.
"It's settled then," said Archie. "I'll make the arrangements and you two had best prepare. I'm visiting with my solicitor as well so we will be staying perhaps four days."
"Thank you, Uncle Archie," said Mary. She rose from the table and gave her Uncle a kiss on the cheek. "I'll go tell Martha so she can help me pack."
Once Mary had left the room, Archie turned to Colin. "I'd like to speak with you this evening after dinner, Colin. There are quite a few things we need to discuss."
Colin bristled. "What kind of things?"
"We'll talk about it later. I'll have Martha bring your meal in but I must attend to some paperwork and have it in order before we leave for London on Saturday. Would you tell Martha that Mr. Markham will be returning and also that I'm arranging for Mrs. Medlock to retire her post in about a month or two? She will of course continue to live with us as long as she pleases, since this really is her only home and I have no intention of turning her out. I think Martha would be pleased with the news of her promotion." He rose and left the room and soon after Martha brought Colin's lunch and set it before him.
"Did you hear that you're to be the new housekeeper, Martha?" he asked.
"Oh my, where on earth did you hear such a thing, Master Colin?"
"My father said it just a few minutes ago. I say Medlock is looking more and more tired these days. Perhaps it is time for her to hand the house off to you. Why do you look so surprised?"
"I didn't dare dream of taking Mrs. Medlock's place. She's been 'ere so long and that."
"She'll still be here, but you'll be in charge instead of the other way around. Mr. Markham's coming back to finish those plants he started so I suppose Medlock will have some company at least."
"'Tis too good to be true and very good news at that, Master Colin. I'll take very good care of all of you and the 'ouse as always you can count on it. Though I think I'll be sad to see Mrs. Medlock stepping down."
"A lot of changes have been happening lately, I guess," he said. "Father said he's arranging it all for a month or two from now so don't start giving Medlock any orders until at least then." He laughed.
"I could never do that, she's like a gran to me almost. I mun thank Lord Craven for the honor of trusting his home to me, though."
"You're a good sort, Martha. You deserve it. Father mentioned something about getting one of your other brothers to help in the gardens after Ben retires as well. I'm sure your mother will be quite pleased and Dickon will appreciate the extra hands."
Martha beamed from ear to ear and her happiness radiated from her so that Colin couldn't help but find himself smiling along with her. "Oh that is wonderful news, me mother will want to thank Lord Craven in person, she does love to come up to the house when she gets th' chance."
"I'm not sure what Ben's state is right now so you may want to wait with that for a bit, but he has been looking and feeling poorly of late so Father wants to make sure he doesn't end up hurting himself out there."
"I understand and won't say a word until it's all official and settled like. Is there anything else you need, Master Colin?" she asked brightly.
"No, thank you Martha."
"I'll be off, then," she said and joyfully bounced out of the room, leaving Colin to his less than equally contented thoughts. "Perhaps a ride across the moor will help clear my head," he said aloud to the empty room. His voice seemed to ring across the room, echoing back and sounding as hollow as he felt.