Chapter Nineteen

Mary spent most of that weekend "cooped up" in the hotel, to her Uncle Archie's lament. Colin had been affected equally and refused to leave his room.

"I don't know what to do with you two," Archie said at dinner on Sunday evening. "I thought you wanted to be here. It's a terribly long journey just to sit inside and do nothing."

"I'm not doing 'nothing', Father," replied Colin. "I've been reading. So has Mary." He held up his book and gestured with it towards his cousin whose own novel lay in her lap.

Archie pinched the bridge of his nose. "Right. I've completed my business but had thought we were staying on until perhaps Monday or Tuesday. Seeing as how you're both not feeling up to it, I think we had best cut this excursion short and head home tomorrow morning. I'll arrange for tickets in the morning for the first train."

Mary looked up. "I'm sorry Uncle Archie; I just want to get back home. I told Dickon it would only be the weekend and I'm eager to see him again."

"Yes, I understand. The timing was not the best in this case," Archie said. He dropped his spoon into his soup. "Well, that's done; I'm off to bed. Goodnight." With that he quit the table and left Colin and Mary to sup alone.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Colin stood. "I'll see you in the morning," he said briskly and went back to his and Archie's room.

Mary didn't even look up from her book.

Dickon slept fitfully; his mind raced with thoughts of Mary with Colin, how she would be better off with Archie's wealthy son instead of a mere gardener. Although he successfully fought such thoughts many times before, the war had not yet been won in his heart. He might always fight these battles from time to time, never completely certain whether he'd made the right decision. He feared that Mary would fight the same battles concurrently, neither one able to rescue the other.

Being apart from her made his soul ache. He's spend enough years without her and even though she'd said it was only a weekend, the hours moved by so slowly that it felt like a week. Even gardening had not kept his mind busy enough and he found himself thinking about her constantly. They had professed their love and affection, but had not had many private moments together. He longed to kiss her again, to take her in his arms without anyone around to interrupt. His thoughts chanced upon what might happen the night of their wedding and he felt his cheeks color as a rush of delicious warmth swept through him. He knew enough about the birds and the bees and many other animals but had no experience of his own. Colin had most certainly done things with Catherine, Dickon was sure, but he didn't count this as a good thing. A man should not behave in such a way and Dickon was taught to save his virtue for marriage, for his wife. Though he'd been tempted at times, Dickon needed only think upon Mary and his resolve would strengthen. He had never wanted to tarnish his love for her by sharing himself with another woman.

He even tried to keep his thoughts in check lest he offend her by using her image for selfish purposes, but there was a limit to his resistance and he lost the battle on rare occasions, ending in a staunched cry of her name and an intense feeling of guilt and remorse.

This night was particularly difficult; he remembered how her body had felt when they embraced, how soft her lips were under his own. Their chaste kisses failed to subdue his ardor and he found himself as any man his age would – desperate for more.

Sunday being a day of rest and observance, Dickon never allowed himself to entertain lustful thoughts for fear of showing disrespect to the Creator. He wondered about the other days though, if he was ever allowed even one day to let his imagination run wild as he so yearned to. He'd never been the best churchgoer but did follow his mother's direction and tried hard to observe. Finely tuned to nature, Dickon preferred to show his gratitude and grace in taking care of God's creatures and living a simple life. Some of the preaching at church had become heavy-handed and Dickon felt at odds inside himself when it came to Mary and his more carnal feelings. It was easier with Mary away at school, but now she was here and Dickon found it more and more difficult to control his thoughts.

Awakening just before dawn, Dickon prepared for the day ahead. He washed thoroughly, ate breakfast, fed and tended to the animals, then headed out to Misselthwaite Manor. He was surprised to see the carriage in the stable so early. He stepped lighter knowing that he'd see Mary soon, and began his work on the topiaries and the gardens.

As if she had been watching for his arrival, Mary soon appeared beside him.

"Dickon!" she exclaimed, smiling.

He wiped his hands on his pants and did not try to stop her when she put her arms around his neck and pulled him close.

"Ah, Mary. How was tha's trip? I missed thee something terrible, lass."

"I shouldn't have gone at all, Dickon. I just don't belong there anymore."

"Did something happen?" he asked, concerned.

"Nothing bad; I just realized a few things that I hadn't before. One being that you can't fit in where you don't belong, and I'm never going to truly belong in that society."

"There's no shame in that," he said.

"Some would think so."

"Does it matter what they think?"

"It shouldn't," she offered.

"Aye. But sometimes it does," he said with a sigh. The battle waged on, even after the war. Society would always separate people into groups and always strive to raise some high while pushing others down. It was the way of the world. But they didn't have to take part in it; Mary and he could live outside of those stringent borders and rules. How could he help Mary see it? That she could be free and did not need to allow other to run roughshod over her heart and soul.

"I wish it were different," she said.

"We can make it different, Mary."

She pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Yes, that we can do. I just wish I could get everyone else to leave us be."

"Tha'll see, we'll have our own life together. We have a home, we have loving family. We don't need the rest of the world to agree."

"I saw this girl again at school, Maisie. She reminded me of how harsh society life could be; she seemed so fake, so prescribed. It was as if she were living life in a tiny box with every move choreographed. Not all the girls are like that, but I got scared. I didn't realize it was fear at first, but later on I couldn't get her out of my mind. I just wanted to come home to you and be done with the city all together. Have you ever felt like that? Like running away to the only one who understands you?"

He touched her face gently. "Tha's here now, Mary. Safe and sound." He leaned down and claimed her lips and she melted into his touch.

A rustle nearby caused them to jump apart.

"Oh, when will that cease to happen?" Mary said. "I'm always afraid that – you know, someone will be there to reprimand us."

"'Tis just a bird, Mary. He won't be doing any complainin' today." He smiled and pulled her to him again.

Colin seethed as he watched Dickon kiss Mary. He wanted to rip her from his arms, make her see that he loved her more than Dickon ever could. But that wasn't the way, he reasoned. Mary didn't want a brute – she had fallen in love with Dickon because he was so many things Colin could never hope to be. He was not gentle or exceptionally interested in animals or gardens. He'd already been with a woman and now knew keenly what he was missing in not having Catherine around anymore. Frustration built more and more each day and he knew he had to do something before he lost his temper or did something rash. He didn't want to go begging back to Catherine; she already knew she was not his first choice. And he didn't really want her as a person, but as a distraction. A distraction very hard to resist at times like these when he was faced with the girl he loved in the arms of another.

Colin resolved to make up with Catherine if she would allow it, though he knew he wasn't about to offer her more than a quick visit as his needs dictated. It had been a good arrangement and he'd done away with it for Mary. Mary, whom he'd never have. His efforts had been in vain, what was the point in continuing to try and win her over?

He reached for a drink, gulped it down in one swill. The burning in the pit of his stomach fired anew with the slosh of liquor for fuel. Catherine had been right about him after all, he would come back with his tail between his legs. Dickon and Mary's engagement party loomed ahead, set for the next weekend. Colin decided he would mix things up a bit and invite Catherine, if she'd come. He was quite certain that she'd agree–if his words did not persuade her, his pocketbook surely would. It would be an affair to remember, he thought ruefully. Mary and Dickon would not so easily dance off into the sunset, leaving Colin behind.

A/N I've noticed a few problems but if you see them please do comment and point them out. I will be cleaning up the entire story once it's completed and your feedback is valued. I have plotted out the final few chapters and I should be adding another 10,000 words and 3 -4 chapters before it's all complete, so each chapter will be about 3000 words and once in revisions I will be fleshing out any chapters that are below 3000 words. Thanks for reading!:)