The sounds of hockey practice winding down surrounds Mike Dallas as he sits in the team box. He didn't have the heart to play, not today, not ever. As captain of the team he should have been the one to have seen the signs. Cam Saunders, their most valuable asset, had committed suicide all because he didn't feel happy anymore. Dallas can't help thinking that hockey is to blame.

With a blow of the whistle coach signals the end of practice. All the guys file out of the rink past Dallas. Some of them look at him, others look away. Coach is the only one who stops to talk.

"You have to start being captain again sometime." he says placing a comforting hand on Dallas' shoulder.

"How can I? I'm not the right guy for the job. I failed him." Dallas says trying to hold back the tears that threaten to fall.

"You'll find your strength again soon. I'm sure of it." coach says with a smile before leaving.

Later that night while Dallas is attempting to do his math homework, his mind keeps wandering back to Cam. Cam had been his responsibility. Grabbing up his pencil Dallas begins to write.

Bro-

I can't believe that you would do that to yourself. I knew you were feeling alone and lost, but never in a million years did I think it would be that bad. I thought that it was the away from home blues. I know what that's like, believe me I do. We were the only ones on the team that were away from home. I should have been more of a friend to you. I was there but, I wasn't.

When I found out you were dead, I got so angry. Not at you, no never at you. I was angry at myself. The day before you had been crying and saying you didn't want hockey anymore. I just yelled at you and told you to man up. I should have stopped and figured out what had made you feel so bad you had to cry. I can be such a dick sometimes. I just shrugged your crying off as you being a pansy who's feelings had been hurt.

However, it was more than that, wasn't it?

I hate that I let my ideals of how boys should act get in the way of me seeing the pain engraved deep in your eyes. I failed you, it's as simple as that. I can go on and on about making excuses for my behavior, but the simple fact is I DIDN'T LISTEN! You sought me out and tried to tell me that Hockey was too much pressure for you, but I didn't listen. I thought that if I tried I could make you happy with hockey again.

Nothing could make you happy though could it? You were sick and in desperate need of an intervention. Looking back now I see all the signs. I really wish I could go back and change things. I know that you weren't always upset. When we first came to Degrassi you were a little unsure about it, but you were happy. I remember the time I caught you playing indoor hockey and then cheering for yourself after you made a goal. I try to keep that in my mind as time goes on. I should try to remember the happy times, especially since they became less and less the longer we stayed here.

When you got together with that music geek, Maya, I thought that things were getting better. You seemed happy. I thought that your earlier confession of loneliness had been resolved. Now I know that it's not true. You tried so desperately to feel better, because everyone, me included, told you that time would make it better.

Oh Cam! Why didn't you beg me to listen to you? You know that me telling you to man up was not because I thought you were weak. It was because I wanted you to fit in, not be the laughing stock of the whole school. I felt like you were my little brother, yet I didn't look after like I should have. You've gotta believe me that I never meant to hurt you in any way. I cared too much about you to do that.

If only I hadn't believed that hockey was our ticket to the big time. If only I had listened when you tried to tell me you were hurting. If only, If only. The if onlys are all I have left now. Hope that you have finally found the peace you couldn't find in life.

Your captain and brother

-Dallas

Author's Note: I plan on writing letters from others at Degrassi. Those include but aren't limited to Mr. Simpson, Eli, and Maya. Hope you have enjoyed the story so far.