In the stillness of the night, Eli lays awake. He wonders about the events of the day. Then he realizes he's not quite sure what happened. His brain is muddled and cloudy. With a smile and a chuckle Eli tells himself, "Pot will do that to you." With a stark realization, Eli realizes that the high is fading fast. Reaching over to his desk, from his position on his floor, Eli grabs for the joints that should be there. Not finding them, he crawls up to a more upright position and looks over the surface of his desk. He begins to throw things around, getting more desperate the longer he searches. After some time he gives up, and collapses back on his floor.
Ever since that day, the day he found the body, he had been searching for a way to forget. His friend, Jake had helped him with that. Well, actually Jake had merely given him half of his pot supply and told him that smoking the stuff would make his mind as free as a bird. Once they had both gotten high that day, they sat down to talk about the tragedy. Jake had chuckled, from being high, and questioned whether or not his greenhouse was now haunted. Eli remembered that he had made the offhand comment, "No, I am". Tonight laying on his floor, his mind becoming more and more clear the more time passes, he realizes just how right he was that first night.
Eli's mind becoming clearer brings back the images he has been working so hard to suppress. The dead body in the greenhouse. As the images become clearer and clearer, Eli feels the urge to vomit. He gets up from his floor and runs to the bathroom. Just in time too, because all of a sudden his dinner comes right back up. Cleaning himself up, Eli walks back to his room. He sits at his desk and begins to do what he does best to cope: writing.
Dear Cam,
I didn't really know you. I was just destined to find your body. All these people in school are broken up over your death. I'm just broken. You can't un-see what I've seen.
No matter how hard I try I can't get that image out of my head. It's like Julia's death all over again. When she died a few years ago I couldn't stop thinking about it. She was one of the most important people in my life. After she died I felt my life spiral out of control. Is that how you felt? Did you feel like nothing in life would ever make you happy again?
I wish I had known you. If I had then maybe I could have prevented it. I know you have heard this a lot, but it DOES get better. I am proof of that. I may still have moments of sadness and doubt, but I have people there to help me through. Did you feel as though you had no one to turn to? I wish you could have known me and my person, Clare.
From the sound of it you had yourself a Clare, but I've heard you didn't tell her things. You don't know this but, Clare saved my life. When I first moved to Degrassi I was lost and confused. I met Clare and things really started to get better. However, my emotions soon spun out of my control again. My actions started to scare Clare and she backed away. I seriously went crazy and wrecked my car. After that Clare knew that I needed help, so she helped me. I probably would have ended up like you if not for her.
I know what it's like to feel like you have no one, it sucks. I wish you could have found you something to numb the pain with. I don't mean drugs, though I have found that pot does wonders for that. I mean something like an extracurricular activity. Personally, theatre is my drug. When things get really bad I immerse myself in writing or directing.
Even though I didn't know you, I still feel like I failed you. Maybe I can use that feeling to help someone else. First I need to get my head on straight because I'm not a help to anyone. Not even myself.
Rest in peace man
-Eli Goldsworthy
Upon finishing up the letter, Eli rubs his hand across his face. He feels drained of all emotion. Knowing that it's probably best that he get some sleep, Eli plops down on his bed. He is asleep within seconds.