Maya stormed into the house ahead of her sister. They had just returned from Little Miss Steaks, but it is obvious that Maya isn't happy about that. Katie hollers at Maya trying to get her to stop.
"Maya! Would you just stop and listen to me? That guy was going to use you. I was only looking out for you." Katie shuts the front door behind her.
"I don't need protection! I'm tired of everyone thinking they need to look after me because Cam died!" Maya gets angrier than she has been.
"Cam didn't just die Maya! He killed himself." Katie looks concernedly at Maya.
"I KNOW! Just stop trying to protect me! I am FINE!" Maya screams and then slams her bedroom door shut.
Maya collapses on her bed. She is now fighting back tears. Curling up into a ball, Maya wills her mind to forget about Cam's death. She didn't have time to break down like a stupid girl. She was better than that. Maya pulls out her lyrics notebook and turns to a clean sheet of paper and thinks, to herself, maybe writing him a letter will help.
Dear Cam,
I am so angry. You were hurting and you didn't even tell me. I was your girlfriend and I didn't even know. If you really loved me you would have thought about me before committing suicide. What you did is so selfish! You think that you are the only one who has pain?
When you died everyone expected me to break down and cry. I'm not some girly girl. I can handle my emotions, but I'm not even sad like they think I should be. Like I said, I am angry! I really loved you and I thought you loved me too. However, you decided to end your life without even talking to me first. Did you really think that no one would care if you were gone? Did I really mean that little to you?
The longer I think on what you did, I realize that while I am angry at you I also miss you so much. At least once a day I play that message you left me the morning before. I want to believe that you were truly happy in that video even though I now know that you aren't. I still don't know how you could appear to be so happy on the outside and yet so low on the inside. Are there signs that I missed? Could I have helped you if I had listened to you a little better?
What made you feel so low that you would want to end it all? Could spending more time at your home have helped keep you happy? If I had done less with the band and more with you would you still have done it? Did hockey do this to you?
Looking back on it you falling from the second floor was a cry for help. I didn't see it at the time because you swore that it wasn't on purpose. You told me that you weren't some loser who tried to hurt himself, but you were weren't you? Why didn't I question you more? I could have got you help and you would still be here with me.
Everyone acts so weird around me now. It's like I'm the girl with the contagious disease. It's like people think that if they get too close to me their girlfriend/boyfriend will commit suicide too. I can't go anywhere without people looking at me. I am no longer the invisible girl that I enjoyed being so much. I try to immerse myself in my music, but people feel like that is wrong. If making myself feel great is wrong then what is right?
Cam I'm so angry, frustrated, sad, and tired. I don't really know how to deal with my emotions. I tell everyone that I am fine, but I'm not am I? When will I feel normal again? I want so bad for these confusing feelings to go away. I usually would play music to forget, but that doesn't even work any more. I play and play and play, but the pain just gets worse.
I hope you are happy with your decision because I sure am not. I miss you to pieces Cam. You're the first person I was close to who died. Hopefully, someday soon I can forgive you for what you did. Until then I will just stay angry. How could you not have known how much I would miss you? I just don't get it.
Love,
Maya
Maya closes her notebook and wipes the small tear that had managed to escape. Turning off her lamp and grabbing Hoot into her arms, Maya gets into bed and tries to sleep.