Ok well here we go - the robbery itself. I don't know much about bank robberies so I hope I haven't made any glaring errors. If any of you don't know what Vince was up to while this was going on, check out the Mint Royale Blue Song video.
Disclaimer - I don't own Mighty Boosh, Mint Royale or that super sexy sentence from Sherlock.
HSaP - I hope this answers your question…..
00:05 Anderson flicked the pass he had stolen from one of the girls on reception over the access bar and held the door for the other two as they all pulled on their black balaclavas. The drag of the prickly, heavy wool over his face brought back a hundred memories to Howard that filled his stomach with butterflies and made him light headed. As they walked calmly but briskly down the corridor, their way illuminated by sickly fluorescent light, he was thinking hard of the blue prints and photos Anderson had brought home, getting his bearings. His trainers squeaking on the tiled floor was the only sound in the second before Anderson flung open the double doors at the end of the corridor.
00:20 The bank was deserted, like it should be, like the other bank should have been. Howard shuddered as the first flash back hit him, the girl playing on the floor, the open mouthed shock on the faces of the staff, most of all the look of wry amusement from Vince. It had been a sunny day - he could see the dust motes dancing in the shaft of light coming through the window. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to rid himself of the memory.
Cartwright opened his black leather briefcase and retrieved a gun. He ran round the room, shooting out the cameras in the places that he knew they would be. With any luck, the security guard wouldn't be looking at the screen just at that moment, and upon seeing a load of blank screens would spend a couple of minutes thinking there had been a system crash, but they couldn't risk it – time was limited now. Howard once again thought back to the plans, imagining the greasy looking security guard Anderson had described, sitting in his office, his desk banked by monitors. There were cleverer ways to pull a job – hacking into the feed and replacing it with a loop of an empty room – but that stuff was more for the movies than real life. He knew the ideal situation was that the guard was on one of his frequent patrols of the car park and they had timed it to be so, but the thought of him, out there with Vince made his teeth clench so hard he thought he would shatter them.
00:30 Anderson passed the access card over the second set of doors and once again they followed him through, out of reception into the back offices. So far things were going like clockwork. Anderson had said they would but Howard couldn't quite believe it. Things were less glamorous back here – the bright white walls of the main lobby were now a dirty grey and the shiny floor tiles were replaced by a carpet that might've once had a pattern but Howard couldn't distinguish it. So far things were going to plan. Again, Cartwright shot out the cameras. Were they going unnoticed or had the guard just rung the police and declined coming down and facing them. Howard pressed on as though it was the latter. Baxter had practiced the drive from the police station several times over the last week, before he was incapacitated, mainly at night when there was no traffic and the quickest the police cars would be able to get here from the nearby station, even with no other cars on the road and driving like lunatics, would be three and a half minutes. 'Everything's going to be ok,' he muttered under his breath.
00:45 They came to another set of doors. This was where Anderson's access card ran out. Without hesitating, Howard removed one of his black leather gloves, pulled a small drill from his briefcase and applied it to the lock. No matter how many times he did this, he couldn't help but smile a little at the months he spent working as an apprentice to a locksmith when he was younger. He had hated every tedious minute of the work but it had set him up with skills for life, just as Tommy, the old locksmith had promised. He dreaded to think how the poor old guy would've reacted if he'd known exactly why he was so interested in knowing the ropes.
The other two looked on intently, like him, anticipating the moment that the door sprang sweat slicked hands slipped on the barrel of the drill, causing the bit to clatter noisily against the metal of the lock. The three of them looked at each other, hearts in their mouths at the sudden sharp sound. Hating every second of the grating drill filling the air with dust and noise, he was relieved at the jolt forward that signified he was through. Being careful not to touch any surfaces with his bare hand, he removed the drill and pocketed the large bolt that he pulled out of the door, his hand exchanging it for a slim metal hook. Deftly, he slid it inside the hole and used it to pull back the locking mechanism inside the door. At the muted click he turned and smiled at his partners,
"Gentlemen," he pulled the door open, bowing widely. At last he was starting to enjoy himself, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He felt vital and hypersensitive - alive in a way that before he met Vince, he thought was only possible to achieve this way.
1:30 The three of them paused for a minute, looking at the vast metal vault door that dominated most of the room they had entered,
"Right fellas," Howard muttered, pulling his glove back on, "You know the drill. Once the safe opens, we've got one minute without using the fingerprint verification, before the alarm goes off and the vault door locks again. Anderson, have you got the code?"
Howard's eyes flickered at another flash back: the cash safe's code had been on a scrap of paper in Jim's pocket – he was always crap at memorising things like that. Howard used to tease him about it. Jackie had been busy trying to open the diamond vault. It was an old fashioned safe door that needed cracking. He had his headset on and was painstakingly twirling the dial back and forth. Howard was faced with a dilemma – if he bent down to get the code out of Jim's pocket, he would be vulnerable. He looked over to the huddle of people standing scared on the shop floor of the bank. None of them looked like they'd pull one of those biros off its little chain and stab him in the back with it, but he couldn't be sure.
"You," he growled, beckoning Vince into the office with his gun. Vince did a funny 'who me' gesture, with his hand to his chest. When Howard nodded, colour flushed to his face. At the time he had thought it was fear but he had seen Vince scared since then, in his flat, and he had been deathly pale. No, he realised now, Vince had blushed as he walked hurriedly into the office.
He grabbed Vince by the back of the jacket and kicked him in the back of the leg so he fell forwards, sprawling over what was very nearly Jim's corpse, before scrambling back onto his heels to avoid the blood. Howard pressed the barrel of the gun to the nape of the boy's neck. He shuddered, although whether it was due to the cold metal or the sight of Jim's twitching form, Howard didn't know.
"There, inside pocket," he gestured to the boy, who promptly twisted around to look at him. Howard's mouth nearly dropped open at the sight of his huge blue eyes, his glossy red lips. He nudged him harder with the gun and this time the boy obeyed, bravely delving into the pocket of Jim's coat and coming out with the crumpled piece of paper, now damp and stained with blood. Howard pulled him back up to his feet and directed him over to the safe
"Open it," he ordered as authoritatively as he could with the smell of the boy in his nostrils and his heat radiating up Howard's hand like sunbeams. In truth he was feeling faintly hysterical. Only now did the boy's hands begin to tremble. He squinted at the paper, trying to read the numbers through the blood, before hesitatingly entering them onto the safe's key pad. There was a dull beep and a red light started flashing. Howard leaned close to the boy's ear and spoke to him in a quiet, calm voice, "You've now got 30 seconds to enter the correct code or the safe will shut down and I'll shoot you in the head." The boy took a deep breath and tried again, his hands shaking even worse, his fingers stumbling over the keys.
The beep of the vault door opening brought him back to the present day. He flicked the sleeve of his coat back to reveal his watch as Cartwright and Anderson ran inside and started heaving out the stacks of cash. As the seconds ticked down, Howard allowed his mind to drift back to that other day one more time:
By some miracle, the light turned green and the door swang open. Howard shoved the holdall at him, "Put the money in here," a ghost of a smile on his lips at the way the boy's eyes widened at the sight of all the cash.
2:20 Howard called to them, "Out you two, time's up!" Cartwright and Anderson exited the vault and the three of them fell upon the piles of money on the floor and began stuffing them into the briefcase Howard had opened on the floor. Seconds later, the vault door creaked shut and an ear-piercing alarm began to ring. They all looked up, guiltily for a second, despite the fact they were expecting it, and then redoubled their efforts until the notes had filled the case and Howard had to struggle to close it. Anderson opened his case and scooped the rest of the money in, just as they heard a door slamming in the distance. They grabbed their stuff and ran.
2:50 The doors hit the wall with a crash as they pushed through them, back onto the glamorous shop floor of the bank. Howard could hear the guard coming now, although he couldn't see him, his feet slapping against the floor, the call of "Stop, thief!" A bullet rang out and lodged in the wall just above Howard's shoulder, sending a shower of plaster onto his jacket. He didn't dare turn round to see how close the guard was now. As they exited into the corridor back to the car park, Cartwright paused and pulled out what Howard was relieved to see was only a smoke bomb, chucking it over his shoulder as the doors shut behind them. That would be enough to let them get away without the security guard following them.
2.54 They ran back out into the car park, the smoke was already starting to get to Howard, tendrils escaping down the corridor. That combined with the flashing red lights and the alarm produced a feeling of chaos and claustrophobia. As they spanned the distance between the door and the car, Howard ripped off his balaclava, desperately in need of air and saw the others doing the same. There was a blank spot on the cameras here, Anderson had discovered, which was why he'd felt ok leaving Vince parked there. He could see Vince, sunglasses still on, still in the driver's seat, looking out the window. A feeling of relief washed over him that he was still ok, along with something almost approaching surprise that Vince had managed to sit still, not get out the car, not pull any silly stunts, in the time they had been away.
As they all pulled the doors of the car shut, breathing heavily, Vince turned and remonstrated Howard,
"I think you'll find that was more like three minutes," he sounded amused but Howard could see the worry in his eyes. With that, Vince turned the car around and sped out onto the road.
Cartwright and Anderson were buzzing with a job well done - Howard knew the feeling well, allowing himself a small smile at their exuberance. Vince looked nervously into the rear view mirror at him, not sure how to proceed. Their eyes locked and a shared memory of their eyes meeting in a mirror in the B&B just a few days before shimmered between them. It made him wish he hadn't slung his sunglasses into the glove box. It wasn't until Anderson shouted shrilly "Hey, you're going to kill us!" that Vince tore his eyes back to the road and sharply turned the wheel to avoid the central reservation he had been drifting towards.
However, this had made Anderson take notice of the road ahead, "Hang on, this isn't the planned route, what's going on?"
Vince once more glanced into the rear view mirror and was assured by a tiny nod from Howard. "I checked the sat nav on my phone whilst you were in the bank – there's road works the other way, so I planned a new route,"
"You what?" Cartwright cut in, "You can't just go messing –" his mouth dropped open and his eyes widened, in a way that Vince almost found comical as he caught sight of the blue sign that presided over the building that Vince had just parked in front of, " – you bastard". There was a moment of silence, broken by Vince activating the central locking on the car.
Cartwright and Anderson started shouting all at once,
"What the hell have you brought us here for? – I'm going to kill you – You double crossing little – " It was Anderson, rather than Cartwright who had pulled the gun out of the waistband of his trousers and aiming it not at Vince's head, but at his thigh. Howard tried to swallow the boulder which had suddenly taken up residence behind his adams apple. This meant business, he knew. A gun in your face was all about intimidation but a bullet ripping through one of your arteries and you're dead. He just hoped Vince didn't know how much danger he was in. Howard was guessing Cartwright had gone so far into his rage that he couldn't think to get his gun out. He raised one hand and spoke in a voice whose calmness surprised even him a little,
"Now now Sir, I don't really think that's the best idea firing that thing off here, do you? Outside a police station? Not the best way to avoid attention,"
Anderson just looked daggers at him, not moving the gun.
"I knew we shouldn't trusted you Barratt, have you turned grass or something? My god, I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your neck, you see if I don't. What the hell are we doing here? " Cartwright seemed to have regained his sense and was babbling furiously.
Howard smiled wryly, "It's quite simple, and this is how it's going to work. You tell us what you know about the Hitcher, now, nice and quiet and no bullshit. You know you've always been a shit liar Cartwright, so don't bother now. Then I'm going to put half the money in this bag – "he pulled a black hold all from under the drivers seat – "and you're going to take it, get out the car and walk away, again, nice and quietly to avoid anyone in there paying you more attention than you might like," Howard sat back, nonchalantly but Vince could tell by the way he was staring straight ahead, not meeting his eyes, just how dangerous this strategy was.
"And what if we don't?" The sullen set of his jowly face showed that he wasn't prepared to give up that easily.
Vince cleared his throat gently. Their eyes snapped to him, as though they had forgotten he was there, "Please Mr Police Officer, I'm that 'ostage the whole country's been looking for. These men have been keeping me prisoner all this time. Go and check their house, my stuff's all over it. Yes they're the ones who robbed the bank just now, and did that last job…oh look, there's one there, shall I try it?" He made to roll down the window as a uniformed officer strolled past.
"Sh sh sh," Anderson reached over to stop his hand. The peace inside the car teetered on a knife edge for a moment, "You know Barratt will go down as well? Probably for longer even than us?" he was speaking gently, like a snake trying to hypnotise his prey. Only the sound of him clicking the safety off the gun gave him away.
Howard laughed bitterly "Oh come on now, you know what I'm mixed up with already. Going to prison means nothing to me. I doubt I'll even be alive long enough to go to trial,"
The others in the car exchanged sceptical glances. Vince couldn't help but interject
"Look at him, desperation's hanging off him like, well, that suit" he flicked his hand dismissively over Howard's attire, "he means it. He's a man on the edge!"
Anderson's head dropped slightly and the charged atmosphere in the car seemed to deflate as he took on a blank, business like air, pocketing the gun. It was as though he could see that he was beaten and just wanted to get it over with.
"Well come on, quickly then. But don't think this is the end of this Barratt. We're going to find you, if the Hitcher doesn't get to you first. You and your little bitch. This isn't over. I'm going to burn the heart out of you." He glared at Vince as Howard snapped opened his briefcase and counted the stacks of money out into the bag. He was trying desperately not to let his hands shake at the venom in Anderson's words. Cartwright made to snatch it but Howard was too quick,
"Uh uh, I'm still going to need something from you remember,"
Cartwright and Anderson looked at each other doubtfully before Cartwright spoke up,
"I don't know much about him, you know what he's like. But I knew he had a girl, don't know if you ever heard him talk about her, his ruby, he always called her. No one ever saw her but one day he got me to do some bespoke work for him. He wanted a necklace, to order, one of those jobs, really beautiful piece it was, diamond choker, inlaid with rubies, I'd know it anywhere. Anyways, that was a couple of years ago, I'd forgotten all about it until about, when was it, six months back, I was at the Coconut Lodge down in Brighton, you know the sort of place, classy joint out the front, you daren't even imagine what's going on out the back. This dancer came onto the stage, and I noticed it straight away, she had the necklace on – not a lot else either – and her name was Ruby. I think if I was going to try and find the Hitcher, which I wouldn't, I'd start with her. Know this Barratt, I'm only telling you because I hope he really fucks you up when you meet him"
Howard nodded and handed him the bag. They all started as Vince took the central locking off the car and wordlessly, the two others got out. After straightening their collars and looking around furtively, Anderson followed Cartwright briskly down the road. Vince started the ignition but Howard raised a warning finger to make him wait until they had disappeared out of sight. It wasn't until Vince had pulled out of the parking space, started driving down the road and flicked on the radio, that Howard released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
I hope that was ok. Please review so I know whether it's worth carrying on with this...thanks so much xxx