CHAPTER 19: TRUE FEELINGS
Monologue
(Severus POV)
It was the 26th of August, 2 o'clock in the morning.
It's been almost a month since Ilyasveil von Einzbern-Emiya first came into his life. Although they first met under not-so-good circumstances, Severus felt that the two of them had formed a strong bond of friendship. At first, he was uncomfortable with her presence, mainly because of the fact that save for her silvery-white hair, she was the very mirror-image of Severus' former best friend Lily Evans, and that brought back a lot of painful memories. Even their emerald eyes were identical.
In the time they spent living under the same roof, the raven-haired boy found out so many things about his companion. She was a powerful and talented witch, or magus, as she called herself. She was a good cook, as well, and also really skilled at repairing many things.
Ilya, like any typical girl, have different mood swings from time to time. Normally she appears innocent, immature and childish. When irritated however, she would throw one hell of a tantrum that render the raven-haired boy helpless, and boy, does she have a short fuse. At other times, however, she seemed so mature, especially when she was either teaching magecraft to Severus (including forcing him to do strenuous amounts of exercise) or when she was studying the raven-haired boy's type of magic.
The most important thing of all that Severus noted, however, is the fact that Ilya was a kind-hearted person. She may seem a bit spoiled at times, but she was really friendly, and she used her repairing skills to help out people, and they loved her for it. Sometimes when Severus was out on an afternoon walk or running exercise, he would sometimes see Ilya repairing a broken radio, or fixing a car for neighbors and passers-by.
And as time went by, the fact that Lily and Ilya looked so much alike became less and less relevant, and by this point in time, it no longer mattered to the raven-haired boy. They had been through a lot together, including facing off against powerful werewolves and Death Eaters. As far as Severus was concerned, Ilya is Ilya, and that's the end of that.
-BREAK-
However, there was something that was greatly bothering the raven-haired young man…
Flashback
The white-haired girl then bowed her head as if in prayer, and started chanting.
I am the bone of my sword…
Steel is my body and fire is my blood…
I have created over a thousand blades…
Unaware of loss…
Nor aware of gain…
Withstood pain to create weapons, awaiting one's arrival…
I have no regrets. This is the only path…
My whole was….
UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of white light, which made Severus close his eyes.
"Sev, this is what you call a Reality Marble," he heard Ilya speak.
The raven-haired young man open his eyes, and the sight that greeted him…
'WHAT THE? WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS THIS?' thought Severus, too shocked and dumfounded to utter a single word.
He was standing in the middle of what appears to be a hill. The soil was white in color, and it made the hill look as if it was completely covered in snow.
White clouds covered about a quarter of the sky, hiding the sun from view, giving the heavens a gentle blue appearance, and the full moon's grayish daylight time silhouette could be seen near the horizon.
A bluish-white flame seemed to encircle the area from the distance.
And then…
There were blades, so many of them that were stuck to the ground. No, the entire landscape was littered with them. Blades, swords, knives, daggers, scythes, spears, so many different kinds, so many varieties, so many in fact that it would have been impossible to count…
End of Flashback
After showing Severus one of her most secret magic abilities, Ilya began explaining how it works, the Reality Marble she called Unlimited Blade Works, infinite creation of swords…
She also explained that Severus had a Reality Marble himself, although she was certain its ability was different from her own. She then started a long discussion talking about the elements, origin, and other information basic for a magus.
At the end of the lesson, she advised the raven-haired boy to focus more on wind-based spells, because as she discovered, Severus' Elemental Affinity was Wind. Ilya also said that if the raven-haired boy trained hard enough, given enough time, he will also be able to manifest his Reality Marble and bring it out into the real world as she did with her own.
At the time, Severus was excited, really excited that he will learn something new, for it was in his nature to want more information, especially about magic.
Awe…excitement…amazement…adrenaline…sheer thirst for knowledge…learning for learning's sake… Severus' desire were partly anchored on these emotions.
Now however…
'Like hell that matters…' thought Severus. 'Not after knowing what I now know… not after what I've seen… not after what I've discovered…not anymore…'
-BREAK-
On the night of the 25th of August, Severus found it very difficult to fall asleep. True he was extremely tired, and his body aches a lot (After his body was subjected to the excruciating pain of magecraft training, then being forced to do physical exercises afterwards.), and normally he would have fallen asleep immediately, but he was excited. Ilya said that she will be teaching the raven-haired boy Reinforcement on the morrow, and therefore the adrenaline kept him awake.
Finally, after what seemed to Severus like forever, he fell asleep…
He was standing inside an unfamiliar building. Not knowing where he was or what was going on, Severus decided to take a look around.
It was a lot like normal house, except for a few things. The floor was made of wood. The doors were sliding doors. There were tables in what he guessed as the dining room, but they were low, and there were pillows neatly arranged around it, in the place of wooden chairs.
"I'M HOME!" shouted a familiar, cheery voice.
Severus spun around, and saw a white-haired girl. The words he heard were actually unfamiliar to the raven-haired boy, but for some reason he understood what she said.
There was no doubt about it. It was Ilya, looking almost exactly as she did in real life, with her emerald green eyes, except that her silvery-white hair was slightly shorter than it was in the present.
She was wearing a red coat over what looked like a black blouse or shirt, her skirt length reaching slightly below the knee. She wore black socks, with matching grey sneakers to boot, and she was carrying grocery bags.
As the white-haired girl passed by, Severus decided to follow her to the kitchen. There he saw the girl preparing dinner, as the slowly darkening orange sky outside the window indicated the time. Ilya was humming to herself as she prepared the meal.
Severus couldn't help but stare at the white-haired girl, who had taken off her coat and was now wearing an apron. He had seen her cook at his house before, but he just couldn't help but admire the white-haired girl's skill in the kitchen. She was proficient with all the cooking tools, especially the knife, slicing the meat and vegetables with fine, elegant cuts.
After a while, the food was prepared, and Severus watched as the girl placed six set of plates, cups bowls and utensils on the low-height dinner table. He guessed that there were other people who lived in the house, it was actually thrice as big as his own, after all. Perhaps Severus will be able to get a glimpse of Ilya's family. However, instead of spoons and forks, chopsticks were placed. Severus knew what they were, as he had once read about it in a Muggle magazine.
'This house must be either Chinese or Japansese,' thought Severus.
The raven-haired boy watched as the girl carried out casserole from the kitchen and placed them at the middle of the table. Ilya opened a drawer, and took out five, square wooden objects. Then, she carefully placed them on makeshift pillows-as-chairs, one each, removing her apron before she herself sat down on one.
"Thanks for the food," said the white-haired girl, putting her palms together. Then, she split the chopstick into its two pieces, then began to eat.
Minutes passed…
Severus gaped in wonder, as Ilya continued to eat.
"I'll be taking seconds then," said the white-haired girl, as she opened the rice cooker and filled herself another bowl of rice.
'I thought there were other people coming,' thought Severus, puzzled.
"You know, I'm really sorry Rin, but I don't really like Western Style food," said Ilya cheerfully, as she served herself another bowl of stew. "But at least this way, there's less chance you'll overeat and get fat."
Taken by the white-haired girl's words, Severus looked around to see who she was talking to, but the raven-haired boy could not see anyone else in the dining room aside from Ilya.
Puzzled and confused, Severus decided to take a seat on one of the pillows. However...
"And Fuji-nee, don't bother complaining that my cooking's not as good as Sakura or Brother. With that appetite of yours, you'll eat just about anything. So just be a good Tiger, and eat," said the white-haired girl in a sweet, happy voice, as she got another bowl of rice.
To say that Severus was shocked would be an understatement. He was frozen, paralyzed…
On the pillow was not a piece of wood, but a picture frame, in an upright position. It contained a photograph, of a brown-haired woman, with a stern but kind face.
"Oh, and Sakura, don't bother trying being modest. I know for a fact that you eat at least twice a much as Rin does," said Ilya cheerfully.
Recovering from his initial stupor, Severus checked the rest of the makeshift-pillows-as-chairs…
A purple-haired girl with a kind and lonely smile on her face…
"You should really follow Rin's example, Sakura, at least she's got more self-control than you."
A black-haired girl with bluish-green eyes, with a serious expression…
"Oh, and Saber, even if you stay quiet, I know that's already your fifth bowl of rice."
A petite, blonde girl with cold green eyes…
"Oh, yeah, Shirou, I remember I made a chocolate sundae just for you…I actually hid it near the ice box, hopefully Tiger did not manage to find it, just a minute…"
Ilya stood up and headed for the fridge…
"I know I put it in here somewhere," the white-haired girl was muttering.
The raven-haired boy was in shock. He was frozen. He did not know what to do.
"I'm back! Here you go brother," said Ilya, placing the glass with ice cream on the table.
A young man with red-orange hair, with a kind and sincere smile on his face…
"Hmmm? You don't want it?" asked Ilya, sounding disappointed. "Well, if you don't want it then I'll eat it. There's no way I'm letting Saber have it!"
The white-haired girl then snatched the glass of ice cream, then sat down and began to eat it.
"You know what, Shirou?" said Ilya, as she put the glass down on the table, eating only a spoon of the content. "I think you were right not to eat it. I should have just given it to Saber..."
…
"…it's salty."
Severus had never felt so helpless in his entire life, being able to do nothing but watch.
The white-haired girl had now filled her bowl with rice for the fourth time.
"I guess you never should eat dessert before finishing your meal first…" said Ilya cheerfully, ignoring the tears that trickled down from her eyes while keeping a smile on her face.
"Now even the rice tastes salty…"
-BREAK-
When the raven-haired young man woke up the next day, he discovered that he had been crying.
"Just a dream…it was just a dream," Severus whispered into the early morning darkness, desperately trying to convince himself...
But he knew, somehow the raven-haired boy knew, that what he saw wasn't a dream. He knew…
"No, that wasn't a dream," whispered the raven-haired young man to himself. "It definitely wasn't a dream…it was memory…Ilya…"
Severus quickly put his hand over his mouth, as he almost wailed loudly. What he had seen. What he now knows… he wished it wasn't true…
But it was true. No matter how much the raven-haired boy tried to deny it, no matter how much he argued with himself that it was just a dream, his heart told him, without a doubt, that all that he had seen were true…
Suddenly, an unbidden memory entered Severus' mind…
Flashback
It was winter. The trees seemed as if they were not alive, leafless, stiff as stone. Cold wind swept through the terrain, chilling everything in its path. There was no warmth. There was no joy. The forest was like a frozen hell.
In the middle of the forest, was a child. She was small, skinny, with silvery-white hair, and ruby-red eyes.
The girl was alone, freezing. No fire was burning to keep her warm, her thin white dress cannot possibly defend her from the cold. Her feet were cold, for she walked barefoot. She was dragging with her a huge stone object, which was shaped like a giant club, which was more than twice the girls' size, and the effort undoubtedly caused the girl additional immense pain.
The girl was panting. The girl was breathing heavily. she wanted to cry out for help, but somehow she did not, for she knew that no one would come to save her.
The girl walking towards a clearing in the forest, where the snow-covered land was flat, where the girl would be more vulnerable, where the weather, the wind, would be at its most merciless. The girl started shoveling away snow, with her frail white hands, until there was a patch of land free of it.
The white-haired girl held out a small knife, and cut herself in the wrist, blood trickling down.
The cries of wolves could be heard in the distance.
The ruby-eyed girl was shivering ceaselessly, both from the cold, and from fear of the creatures.
The white-haired girl, about to be devoured by wolves, unprotected, vulnerable, helpless…
End of Flashback
The raven-haired man did not know why he was sure, but he was definitely certain. The frail girl in that frozen hell… it was Ilya…
Severus had not given the vision of the frozen forest much thought for some time now. But now, for some reason, he remembered the dream vividly.
If Severus had been like he was before, while he was not a cruel person by nature, the first question that would have entered his head would have been How did she survive? Right now, however…
Why? Why did she have to go through something like this? How could anyone be so heartless to abandon her in that frozen hell? How could they? How can people be so cruel? How can fate be so cruel? thought Severus bitterly, not noticing the tears falling from his eyes.
Severus found it hard to describe the feeling of sorrow and sadness that now filled his heart. All he could do was stop himself from crying loudly, but he was unable to stop the tears from falling…
He thought he had it the worst. He thought he was the most miserable person in existence.
Severus had a broken home, a broken family. Being poor would never have mattered if he had a mother and father who loved him.
The raven-haired boy cursed, and cursed, and cursed at the world, blaming it for his misfortunes, blaming it for all the horrible things that happened to him. If it had not been for Lily, he would probably not have been able to forgive the world…
As he pondered on these thoughts, another memory reasserted itself in his mind…
Flashback
"Severus… too unpleasant," pondered Ilya. "I know! How about I address you as Sev instead?"
The name triggered something in Severus' brain to snap.
"NO, YOU CAN'T!" shouted Severus on reflex.
"Huh," said the girl in surprise. "But why it's a nice name."
"I SAID YOU CAN'T CALL ME THAT, SO YOU CAN'T," yelled Severus, unable to control himself.
Moments of silence, which felt like hours, fell between them. Thunder can be heard rolling, as the sky outside was starting to grow dark, as if to match the mood.
"Get out," said Severus Snape in a low voice.
"Wha…" started the girl.
"I SAID GET OUT!" roared Snape. He dragged her towards the door, pushed her outside, and slammed the door on her face.
End of Flashback
Back then Severus felt bad for what he did to the white-haired girl. Ilya wasn't at fault. It wasn't her fault that she looked like Lily. It wasn't her fault that her voice sounds like Lily's. It wasn't her fault that she had eyes like Lily's. And it certainly wasn't her fault that she wanted to call him in the same way as Lily.
Right now, however, after finding out about so many things, he felt much worse than he did before…
Then another thought entered his mind…
Flashback
"What do you mean you don't have one?" asked Severus, knowing that he will probably not like the answer he will hear.
"I don't have a home," she said simply.
"Surely you must be joking. Your family is probably really worried about you by now. I think you should…" Severus began, but Ilya raised her hand to stop him from talking.
"It is as I said," she said in a quiet, but clear voice. "I don't have a home. I don't have a family, although I had one before, but it's gone now." Severus remained silent, transfixed. "My mother, my father, my brother, my friends, everyone in the world who ever loved me, everyone in the world I ever cared for, dead," she finished.
End of Flashback
Ilya had told Severus this once before. She once had a family, parents who truly loved her, a brother who would do everything to protect, friends who would always stand by her, but now…
They're gone…thought Severus, his mind and heart still shaking in turmoil from the heavy emotions. Everyone she ever cared for is gone.
Severus never knew exactly what it was like, to have a family that truly loved him. The only person closest to one he truly had was Lily Evans. It was painful for the raven-haired boy when he left her, she was the only one like family he ever had. It was painful that Lily left him, painful that Lily abandoned him, but…
Ilya knew it would be much more painful for him if Lily died…
That was why…that was why she wanted to go and save Lily… she did not want me to go through what she did…
Yet another memory crossed Severus' mind…
Flashback
I am the bone of my sword…
Steel is my body and fire is my blood…
I have created over a thousand blades…
Unaware of loss…
Nor aware of gain…
Withstood pain to create weapons, awaiting one's arrival…
I have no regrets. This is the only path…
My whole was….
UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS
End of Flashback
Severus remembered what Ilya told her. A Reality Marble is not only an inner world, it also reflects a magus' heart.
He now remembered what it was like. It was not the presence of countless swords that bothered him.. It was the sadness present in the air of her inner world.
A deserted, lifeless world, where there was nothing but loneliness, with only swords for company…
-BREAK-
Severus saw more flashes of memory, flashes of what happened in the last month, but there was one memory that materialized which overrode the rest…
Flashback
There was Ilya, staring straight at him. Her face with a red tinge, illuminated in the morning sun…her eyes closed to shun away the sunlight…her clothes and silvery white-hair hair flowing gently in the breeze…
She was smiling…the most beautiful smile the raven-haired boy had ever seen on her… the most beautiful smile he had ever seen his entire life…and she was smiling at him…smiling for him...she was smiling because of him…
"Thank you…"
End of Flashback
Severus remembered it clearly. Despite everything that had happened to Ilya in the past, despite everything she had experienced, despite her suffering, despite her sorrow, despite her regret…
"Don't worry," the silver-haired girl was telling him gently. "It's okay. Your sadness… Your sorrow... Let it all out…I'm here for you…
'Ilya…she did everything she could for my sake… she even went out of her way, risked her life to save Lily…for my sake.' thought the raven-haired young man. 'And yet…'
"Thank you…"
'After everything she's done for me… I've never done anything for her that's even worthy of thanks,' thought Severus.
-BREAK-
The sky was no longer a midnight-blue color. It was now early morning, dawn will soon be at hand…
Severus continued dwelling deep in his thoughts…not with his mind… but with his heart.
Finally, he wiped out the tears from his eyes, and walked towards the window, resolve written all over his face.
Severus now remembered it clearly. When Ilya had asked why he wanted power so badly, he now completely remembered the answer he gave…
"BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE THE POWER TO BE ABLE TO PROTECT YOU! BECAUSE I WANT TO BE ABLE TO FIGHT BY YOUR SIDE! I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE ALONE! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE! I HATE HAVING TO WATCH HELPLESSLY IN THE SHADOWS, WHILE YOU GO OUT AND FACE DANGER TO PROTECT ME! I DON'T NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME! I DON'T WANT YOU TO PROTECT ME! I WANT TO BE THE ONE PROTECTING YOU! YOU'RE THE WHOLE WORLD TO ME! I DON'T EVER WANT TO LOSE YOU! I,,,"
Yes, these were his true and honest reasons. In the past, he had wanted power badly as well. He wanted it so badly that he was drawn towards the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters. He craved it, he desired it, for all the wrong reasons… no, without even a clear reason…
Now, however, if possible, Severus craved it even more than he had ever had before… but now his way was clear, his path was set… Now, he will be able to move forward…
What he told Ilya was the sincere and honest truth.
"I want the power to be able to protect you," Severus repeated what he declared before in a whisper. "I want to be able to fight by your side…I don't want you to be alone…I don't want you to die…I hate having to watch helplessly in the shadows, while you go out and face danger to protect me…I don't need you to protect me…I don't want you to protect me…"
Severus took a deep breath, then recited again…
"I want to be the one protecting you, Ilya…You're the whole world to me…I don't ever want to lose you…"
The sun has risen. Dawn has come. And as the first rays of sunlight went through his window, he said in all honesty what he managed to restrain himself from telling the white-haired girl.
"…it's because I love you." Severus whispered onto the horizon.
End of Monologue
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Another Chapter Out. Hope you enjoy it.
Later then people...