I bolted backwards as I felt my hand grasp only air and the world went upside down as I tumbled off the end of the bed.

I felt my chest tighten—my throat constricting like someone had a collar on me, pulling and forcing me to see what I didn't understand, force me to react.

"Historia!" I yelled after my initial shock and yelp. I shot up, staring at her, bewildered with my hands and body shaking.

"What the—You—you're a boy!?"

Historia quickly shook her head with tears and snot streaming down her face.

"I—I'm just me!"

I didn't—what the—she—she was so stiff earlier because she knew I'd—

"What the fuck!? Why didn't you fucking, I don't know, tell me like a normal fucking person!?" I barked, feeling raw and left bare.

I never thought in my life I'd ever fucking touch one of those. Ever.

Never.

"Y-Ymir! Th-That isn't—"

"What? Not fair!? Well, tricking me isn't fair either!" I roared but I kept my hands to myself. I was better than to pop my knuckles to show her—fuck, she knew.

She fucking knew how distraught I was over this.

"Ymir, how was I supposed to tell you!? Telling you I am different than most isn't as easy as telling 'like a normal fucking person'!"

"You could've fucking told me you were Trans! I would've fuck—"

"You would've left me! You would've not understood! And I am not Trans!"

"Yeah!? Well, fucking hell, Historia, telling me is better than fucking surprising me! You don't know what I would've done!"

I never wanted to touch that.

I felt memories clogging up my brain, but they were shoved out by my emotions—betrayal and pain at seeing Historia so upset.

She was bawling.

"How am I supposed to describe anything to you, Ymir?! I don't—I told you I don't know what I am! But I'm not Trans! I'm not a girl! And I'm not a boy!"

I gritted my teeth, lowering my volume, trying to grab the situation by the horns.

"Historia," I attempted to be calm, because I didn't want her to cry anymore, "you…you agreed you were lesbian and didn't like boys…"

"I said I didn't like boys! I didn't agree to anything!" She shot back, hiccupping and gathering the blankets around her body.

I knew what I touched—I knew how those two things felt—she had a supple chest that filled my palms. They were not fake or hard.

Those were natural.

And the thing between her legs was definitely not a packer.

I breathed slowly and brought my hands up to my head, covering my ears for a moment, because I wanted no better than to run.

But I was better than Reiner.

Fuck.

Fuck!

"You—I told you—of what happened to me—Historia, you can't just—just do what you did and expect I was goi—"

"I expected you to leave!" She lashed out, glaring with red-rimmed eyes. Her aquamarine eyes were blue flames of self-loathing and bitterness.

I flinched.

I stopped completely.

My mind was silenced.

"Everyone leaves in th-the end! They see that and then they just wuh-want to leave me! I knew you'd leave wah-once I told you so I might as well—j-just fucking—just fucking make an ASS OF MYSELF!" She roared, clenching her hair and pulling at it in frustration.

"Make you leave me f-for doing—f-for being an asshole! Th—Than," she choked up again, wailing into her own hands as her body convulsed in fits of tears and anguish.

I didn't.

I wouldn't complete that sente—

"Th-Than leave me f-for who I was," she gasped, hiding in her blankets, "I—I wanted nothing more than to be wih-with you and I kn-knew you'd leave…and i-if I could help it, Ymir… I'd make you leave for m-me being t-terrible than…th-than you re-rejecting my—my—"

I licked my lips.

"—m-my love."

My heart clenched and I felt like worms were crawling on my dirtied hand, but it was going away.

Slowly but never fully.

"Wh—why wouldn't you—" I cleared my throat because I never saw someone break before me—I never saw a beautiful girl hate her own body with such a passion like it was the very source of all vile in this world.

Never knew…what it might be like to live inside a cage made of bones, skin, and misplaced body parts.

Ah.

I stared down at my feet.

Here.

This is what she was saying—this is where I was like everyone.

This was the moment she corrected me when I said we were too familiar and she whispered she wished we were two peas in the same pod.

We might've been but we were planted in different soil.

I thought of it—I thought of her body—no, wrong—I thought of her born in a wrong body when she told me only moments ago that she was neither boy nor girl.

She had…it sounded…

"Why wouldn't you…just give me a chance?" It came out like moths from my mouth, scattering everywhere and making me hold my own throat, trying to stop its dryness.

This stilled her sobs. If only for a second.

She pulled the hood of blankets from her bowed head, sniffling and wiping away at her face with the back of her hand.

She glanced up at me, holding back more tears, or stopping. I didn't know—I couldn't assume anymore.

She only caught my eyes once before staring off at her own hands.

"It hurts," she confessed, hiding her hands inside the blankets, "it hurts a lot, Ymir, to be rejected…not because of feelings…but because of who…what…you are."

I felt my shoulders become rigid, because I realized she didn't trust me like I wasn't different from the others.

And her bets were right on the money—I had reacted terribly.

I bit my tongue, watching her, and hating the feeling that I was no better than the people she saw as guards to her prison.

To never be yourself…

I would die if I had to hide my true self.

"…I'm still here." I muttered, low and weak.

It was the only thing that made me different from Reiner and society—I didn't run. I stayed and listened but I still was a fucking shitty person.

I just—I never expected her to be… to feel that.

"You are," she agreed but it held no substance or warmth to go off of.

I knew it didn't deserve a gold star to say I was a little less shittier than others, but I was hoping she'd realize that I had the potential…that I was—I was trying to understand.

"I don't know why you are," she whispered, "you have no obligation to stay… You don't have to pretend to be the good guy."

She finally looked up, smiling bitterly like an angel dying because of some human's hubris. Tears were still falling from her beautiful eyes, glistening off her rosy cheeks.

"You can leave, Ymir, an-and you can pretend we never met… I won't hold you against it…you really don't have to pretend…in fact, it'd hurt me more if you stuck around just to make me feel better."

With every syllabul, she broke me down as my shoulders began to shake and I clenched my teeth, balling up my fists till I felt my knuckles strain white hot, and my breath stifled.

"D-Don't be an idiot," I cringed, feeling my own cheeks go wet.

Historia watched, unconvinced, waiting for me to flee.

"I—I won't leave you." I averted my gaze to glare at the ground.

"I—I fucking—I care about you, Historia," I watched my hands twitch as I tried so hard to not cry more, because I fucking hurt her.

I hurt my girlfriend so very much.

"I—I'm not leaving you. Wh—why would I do that?" I seethed. I was planted and frozen in place with unbridled fury at myself.

I only heard the shuffling of sheets and I saw Historia slide into my old shirt and walk over, quiet and forlorn.

She didn't say a word as she went in front of me.

I didn't move.

Her finger tips were soft—seeking forgiveness—as she reached up to my face, gently caressing it as she stared up at my face.

She ran her hand through my hair and to the back of my neck, carefully pulling me low to put our foreheads together, closing her eyes.

My reverent hands slowly went up and cupped her face, brushing my thumbs over the face I grew to love day after day.

We didn't move or change.

She let the tears pour out and she cried into my hands, filling them with her unspoken sorrow and loneliness.

She made me an ocean of her life.

And I gave her sanctuary as I closed my eyes, exhaling and kissing her forehead, but never letting go of her.

It was unsaid—I knew—but we'd find a way.

Because love always did.