Author's note: Short and painful. See notes at the end of the chapter for important trigger warnings. Sorry about the cliff hanger.
Again, some hours pass. Neither my body nor my soul find real rest. There are cramps in my muscles from not moving for far too long and my brain does not stop picturing ways Mary will end my life.
When I am able to stop thinking about that I start mourning again, which is not better. For the first time in my life, I wish I would believe in some kind of afterlife, where families get reunited and your loved ones are always with you.
But no matter how much I try, I cannot believe in that. Instead all I can do is grieve for Emmi and my parents and Mycroft and Harry.
I wish I could say that John feels the same but there is still grim determination on his face. As for why, I don't know. All I know is that I no longer have the strength to pretend to be hopeful. I hope he can forgive me.
When Mary and Big Boy finally come back, I am relieved.
They don't bring along gruesome torture instruments. Only a rope. Without further looking at me, Big Boy ties one end to the ceiling. With the other, he forms a noose. Knowing how I will die brings a strange kind of peace to my mind. I will have to hold on, of course, I promised. But all in all, it cannot last that long.
Except that the noose is not hanging high enough to hang me.
Mary has a cold gleam in her eyes. She is standing next to John, caressing his hair. "I have to punish you because he talked when I was away, you know" she says, regret in her voice. Then, so fast that I nearly miss the movement, she strikes out and hits him so hard that his chair topples to the ground.
His head hit the floor hard and yet … There is a look in his eyes, as if he is exactly where he wanted to be.
I don't have time to think about it as Big Boy starts dragging me up. My legs feel wobbly from being tied to the ground too long but I manage to stand on my own. And now I realise that the noose is exactly on a level with my neck. It is only too low to hang me as long as I remain standing.
She has surely heard us talking about not giving up and constructed an endgame that will kill me the moment that I do. That way, I will not only die but also disappoint John one last time.
I search for his eyes and find them. "You promised," he says and I nod.
Mary sighs. She sits down and places John's head on her lap. "He won't be able to last long, dear," she tells him, stroking his hair. "Sooner or later he will give up and then he will die. And then everybody you loved but me will be gone."
The grim determination in his eyes only grows stronger when Big Boy places the noose around my neck and tightens it. The end is inevitable now. But I will hold on. I promised.
Knowing that my blood pressure is likely to crash from standing still, I start to step from one foot to the other. Neither Mary nor Big Boy do anything to stop me. She doesn't mind me delaying my death.
After a while, she sends Big Boy away, telling him she wants to enjoy the endgame alone.
I am still standing but my legs are shaking a little. I can see that John is fidgeting a little but does not avert his eyes. I decide that when I will not be able to stand any longer I will try and twist a bit so I won't have to face him watching my death.
After another while, I start sweating. Exhaustion is spreading all through my body but I won't give up. My whole body is trembling and I can barely step from one toe to the other. But I will hold on.
John's face is still set on determination.
I think of Mycroft again. How he had clung to me when he was shot. Would he also be disappointed if I gave up now?
Mary is constantly talking to John but I don't listen. I also try to ignore the way she is touching his head, possessively and obtrusive. I concentrate on his eyes instead. Those wonderful eyes.
My blood pressure is indeed sinking. I close my eyes, only for a second. It won't be long now. When I open them again, I see the fear on Jon's face. I wish he would not have to watch.
I also wish he would let me give in. I have to blink. Could be that there are tears in my eyes. Not sure. I sigh. Exhausted, completely. Tired. Please, John.
We look at each other for what could be hours but must be minutes. And then suddenly, his fidgeting stops. The look in his eyes changes. To what, I cannot tell. I am drenched in sweat, beyond pain.
And then he gives me a slight nod.
Oh God. I should be scared, I think, or sorry or devastated. But all I can feel is immense relief. Not sure but I am probably smiling when I nod in return. I look at him one last time.
Then I close my eyes and finally, finally allow my legs to give in.
Author's note: Warning. Suicidal thoughts, angst, angst, angst.
Thanks to my three wonderful betas for being with me.