between your ribs
I'm so, SO sorry for the wait. Uni exams + Castle drama was so distracting. But, I promise, the next update will come quicker. After all, the next chapter will be the epilogue...
Chapter Eighteen:
February 11th, 2016
They don't speak about it.
It doesn't happen again and five days after Jane feels her skin crawling with need. Her leg bounces as she fills in paperwork – boring – and tries not to think about Maura. Soft lips, small hands, her hair – tickling her skin, eyelashes fluttering, so close she can feel them. Skin flushed, eyes closed, swollen lips. That feeling of possibility.
Possibility still lurks there, blossoming at the bottom of her heart, swelling every now and then when she's caught Maura looking at her when she thought she wasn't looking. But still, nothing has happened, nothing has come of it; not one word. She's not quite sure what she had expected, really. It's not that like they were going to elope any time soon (now that was an idea). Maura has made it perfectly clear that she needs time –
But how much is left?
Jane pauses, fingers running over the watch Maura had given her, thinking about the inscription on the back of its face. Like the sun.
Maura had let her kiss her. Had let it happen, kissed her back – and before that, she'd given her a watch with this secret meaning. Is this her way of showing her she's ready? Is she waiting for her to act on it? But what if she does, and Maura is wrong, that she isn't ready?
She glances at her hands, at her scars.
They all need their time to grow.
Sometimes they need to grow together.
The woman in the flower shop is kind, patient, as she shows her various bouquets. None of them feel right – roses are too cliché, everything else just so understated. It isn't until the woman serving her mentions that bluebells signify everlasting love that she finds herself paying for a bouquet and walking out of the store. Makes sure not to let anything crush the flowers, keeps glancing at them out of the corner of her eyes when she drives home – to Maura's – oh, Hell, it is home. It has been for a long time.
She stops outside of the door, flowers in hand, heart in her throat. This feels urgent. This feels… messy, unplanned. But isn't that who she is, isn't that how Maura loves her anyway?
There's only one way to find out.
Maura is trying to teach Jo Friday to roll over when she finds her, sat behind the couch, laughing when the dog jumps up to lick her chin instead, that delightful sound ringing through the apartment. She takes a moment to stop and watch her, this wonderful woman who has somehow wormed her way into her life without her realising. Like all this time, they've been sneaking up on each other.
"Jane," Maura's cheeks redden as she realises she's being watched. She passes the treat she had been holding to Jo Friday and stands, staring at the bouquet in Jane's hands. "Who gave you those?"
"No-one. I, uh. I bought them for you, actually," she murmurs, shoving them a little too quickly at Maura.
She takes them with a soft smile, her eyes twinkling, regardless of the way Jane is acting. Brings them up to her nose to smell them, fingers brushing over the dainty petals. Oh, God. Jane is almost certain that she's going to pass out just watching her and how beautiful she is. It's a little unfair.
"Thank you, Jane," Maura lifts onto her toes, kissing the corner of Jane's lips, and she feels everything inside of her still suddenly.
But Maura moves past her, hunting for a vase to place the flowers in. Jane feels too self-aware, skin too flushed and hot just from that one moment of nearness with Maura. Finds herself stripping off her work blazer and draping it over the back of the couch – even though she's been told too many times not to do that – and unbuttons an extra button. Or – oh. Will that look like she's giving that kind of signal?
Maura is back in front of her before she can redo it, unaware of the mental breakdown Jane is sure she's having. This woman is going to be her undoing. Everything inside of her still screams to run towards her anyway.
"How was work?"
They bubble over, the words, out of her heart. So many things she wants to say to Maura in response to the inane question. But they get stuck, worming their way up her throat and trying to pull her lips apart to get free. She tries to swallow them down, her hands shaking. She can do this. For god's sake, she left Maura aching and wanting just a few days ago, right? If only she could reclaim that confidence, that power. Instead of being this version of herself, the one who can't move, can't speak, can barely breathe with Maura next to her.
"Jane?"
And still, nothing. She stares down into the concerned green eyes that are watching her, wanting to say it. I love you. I love you. Please love me too.
Maura reaches out to take her hand, and it is this one touch that spurs her movements.
"I love you," she blurts out, ungracefully, watching Maura's eyes widen only a fraction before the words make her smile. "God, Maur, you drive me crazy."
"I do?"
"Every damn day. I can't – I can't stop thinking about you, Maura, it's like I don't – I don't know how to be me without you anymore, you know? Can you understand that?"
Maura reaches up to tangle her hands in Jane's curls, cheeks pleasantly rosy.
"Yes. Yes, I think I do," she murmurs. "What brought this on?"
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know. I just – Maura, I don't want to wait anymore, like the sky is gonna drop down and give us some sign that either of us are ready for this, because there never is a right time. I think – I think you're ready, too, or you don't want to wait alone anymore either. I think that's why you let me kiss you. I think that's why you enjoyed it."
Maura's hand falls away from her, chest rising and falling rapidly. Jane approaches her slowly, backing her against the couch, until Maura's thighs are biting the back of it. She takes one step closer, until their bodies are almost brushing. In the corner of her eye, she watches the way Maura's hands fist against the back of the couch, gripping the blanket there tightly.
"I think that's why, if I kissed you right now, you'd let me," she murmurs, drifting closer.
Maura's eyes fall closed. "Yes."
She waits, until she can feel Maura's breath washing over her, the sweep of her eyelashes against her skin. Until their hips align and she settles one hand on Maura's hip, the other carding through her soft hair, watching the way her lips fall open, waiting.
"Jane. Yes," she whispers.
It is the last thing she says before Jane kisses her, lips slanting over hers. She feels that same rush of adrenaline as last time, but she keeps this kiss slow, soft, as Maura trembles against her. Then she feels Maura's hands against her waist, testing, curious, finding a place to settle. Maura's mouth opens for her on a sigh and she finds her tongue immediately, swallowing the soft moan she lets out that shoots straight through her, has warmth curling in her stomach. Maura grips her shirt in her fists, tugging it away from the waistband of her bands, fingers desperate and shaking in their quest for the skin beneath.
But Jane pulls away, for a second distracted by the pure, undisguised want on Maura's face. She cradles those cheeks between her palms as her pulse beats in her ears.
"I don't care what happened to you, Maura. I – I do care, but I mean… Who you are now, how you've changed, doesn't matter to me. You're nothing less in my eyes. But if you feel like you're less than what you once were, then that's fine. I can show you the truth because I still love you. I love you for more than you are. I just do."
Maura's hands reach up to circle around Jane's wrists.
"You mean that?"
"I've never loved anyone like this, Maur," she murmurs, dipping back down to her again so she can press the most chaste of kisses against those lips. "I never want to love anyone but you like this."
Maura sighs, pushing up on her toes to capture Jane's mouth. Distantly, Jane is aware of the fact that the buttons of her shirt are being undone. She is too distracted by the feel of Maura's soft and small fingers brushing against her chest, her abdomen, and then she's pushing the shirt off of her shoulders. It lands with a soft whisper to the floor and she gasps when Maura's hands grip her naked waist.
"I love everything about you, Jane Rizzoli," Maura murmurs. "Everything."
Maura steps away, around her, and Jane reaches for her, confused. But then her hands are filled with Maura's and she watches as the woman she would die for time and time again walks backwards, eyes on hers, dark and smouldering as she leads her up the stairs. Part of her knows she should ask are you sure? Are you ready? But then Maura uses her body to close the door, pushes her up against it, and there is no more thought when their lips meet.
Her hands tremble as she reaches for Maura's blouse, lips separating only when she sucks a path across her jaw instead. Maura grips her back, pulling her closer on a moan, somehow undoing the clasp of her bra as she does. When Jane pulls back slightly she feels it drift down her arms, dropping to the floor, shortly followed by Maura's. When their eyes meet she feels her throat bob, eyes stinging with tears.
"You're beautiful," Maura murmurs, stealing the words right out of her mouth.
They lose their pants on the way to the bed, and Jane finds herself pushing Maura down, so that she can crawl over her, has this strange need to shield her from harm through this. Maura hums in the back of her throat when she aligns their bodies, hands curling at the back of Jane's neck to pull her down for another kiss, her free hand trailing down to trace over the bullet scar Jane earned all those years ago, back before she had realised how much she loved her. Back when she was reckless.
"Maura," she whispers, lips finding her neck, biting down gently.
Maura gasps, upper body arching up into hers. Jane groans, forehead pressing against Maura's shoulder as she lets a few stubborn tears escape.
To her credit, Maura does not fuss. Instead her legs circle Jane's hips, pulling her to her more firmly, dusting kisses through her hair. She's never felt so vulnerable in her entire life.
Jane props herself up on one elbow, not bothering to wipe the tears away. Maura watches her reverently as she lets her thumb brush against her bottom lip.
"Jane. Love me," she murmurs.
She does.
When she wakes, the world around her feels different.
Cracking one eye open, she notices that the sun has not quite risen yet. The open blinds let her watch as the sky is only just beginning to fade from a deep purple to a light blue. One hand – now so familiar to her, presses just above her heart, a body pressed up against her back. She smirks into the pillow. She's always thought she'd be the big spoon.
Twisting carefully, so as not to wake Maura, she moves until she is facing her. Props herself up on one elbow so that she can stare down at her, observe the woman who had whispered love into her ears just hours before. Her skin is cool to the touch now, as she presses gentle fingers to the soft skin of her waist. It is a spot of Maura's that, if she presses her lips against, makes her eyes roll back. As she reaches for the covers to pull over them, she finds herself smiling at the fact that she has all of this knowledge now.
Maura makes a noise in her sleep, frowning a little, and Jane pauses. A nightmare?
But she settles, quiets. Jane watches her curiously, until Maura's eyes peel open, meeting hers.
"Hi," Jane whispers, swallowing past the lump in her throat.
Maura's smile is slow, unfurling carefully. Something in her eyes shifts, and she reaches up, touching her index finger to the space below Jane's cheekbone.
"This is the first time I've looked at you and seen you before Melissa," Maura tells her quietly.
Her own smile is easy. She reaches down so that they meet, kissing softly, legs twining with Maura's.
"I'm so glad you found me," Maura murmurs, hands cupping Jane's jaw. Presses a soft kiss to the cleft of her chin. "Time and time again. Every day. You find me."
TBC