Arabella

For the next two days I was going to have time for myself, I had spent all week long with Bucky. I loved spending time with him, he still cared for me, unknowingly doing the things he used to do in the past. Like tucking my hair behind my ear, or hugging me from behind as much as he could. He had hardly spent time with Steve during the week. So when weekend came, Steve demanded that him and Bucky go and see a baseball game. They were spending the night in a hotel close to the stadium, making a whole weekend out of it. Bucky had agreed to the baseball game, but was more reluctant to spend the night. I told him he should, spending time with Steve was a good thing.

I was not going to go out at all if I could help it, being lazy and staying in bed sounded like a perfect plan. Bucky and Steve had left earlier that morning, not before they came and said good bye; making sure I knew if I needed anything they were just a call away. I wasn't going to call, I could take care of myself.

With a drink and a bag of chips in hand, I shut my room door with my foot, taking a second to turn around and lock the door. I set the food down on the night stand, pushing the covers of the bed down so I could climb in and cover myself. I settled in the bed, taking the remote and flipping the T.V on. I surfed the channels, not finding anything interesting. I settled for a ghost show, and put the remote down.

Soon I was drifting off to sleep.

The whole room was dark. I could hear the faint sound of water dripping off a pipe. Oh how I wished I could have water. I don't remember the last time I ate or drank, I don't even know if they fed me at all since I got here. I sat in the corner of the room against the wall, I couldn't see a thing, so I stuck to a place that felt somewhat safe.

Suddenly the door opened, bright light flooded the room hurting my eyes in the process. I put my head into my legs, trying to adjust to the change.

"Get up." A voice commanded. I stood shakily on my legs, eyes shut. I feel someone grab my arm, pulling me roughly with them. We walked down a white hall, passing rooms that held medical equipment. Reaching the end of the hall, I was pushed into a gray room. They forced me to sit down on a chair in the middle. I hear footsteps retreating out.

A women stepped in front of me, her hair pulled into a tight bun on top of her head. Lips set in a straight line. No words were spoken, she simply moved to stand behind me. I felt a wet substance touch my head, I try to look at back to see what she was doing.

"Head forward!"

I kept still, not wanting to get hit like the first time I had got here. She kept moving the wet goo on my head and between the layers of my hair. I smelt a strong acid smell. She was dying my hair. I felt tears pool in my eyes. My hair was the only thing that reminded me of my father. It was all I had left of him.

She stopped putting the dye in my hair, and put my hair up. I watch her leave the room, leaving me alone. It was a good hour before she came back. She had a bucket of water in her hands. Setting it down next to me, she takes my hair down. Without warning she splashes me with the water, making me gasp at the coldness, streams of black dye running down my face. I hear her fill the bucket behind me, she splashes me once more.

The scene changes, suddenly I'm standing in the freezing cold. Snow is flurrying down on the town I stood in. The buildings around me looked small and run down, the signs were in a language I couldn't read. I was hiding in the woods just off the side, I pull my coat tighter around me. Picking up the gun I dropped on the floor next to me while I was scoping out the town. I left my spot in the woods. I had to do this, they would kill my brother if not. My hands were shaky, my forehead sweaty. I had to protect myself too, they would kill me if I didn't do this.

I enter a small house. A child was crouched down shivering, a women holding a baby in her arms tears poured down her face they were all huddled in a corner. They knew why I was here. I continued to the back room, behind me the women screams in her language trying to stop me. I ignore her. I see my target, he was standing tall in the middle of the room. He knew why I was here. He seemed to resign to his fate, not a weapon to fight me in sight. I slowly raise my gun, pointing it right between his eyes.

I shoot. I shoot again.

I hear screams coming from behind me. I don't look at them as I leave, I keep my eyes forward. The screams filled the air, wailing of the family from the house. I just keep on walking.

I shot up from my bed, gasping for air. My hands shaky and heart pounding. I felt my stomach turn with nausea, I run to the bath room. I throw the toilet seat up, yakking up my last meal. This time I couldn't hold back the sobs.

"Why? Why didn't he fight?!" I yelled between sobs. I curled into myself on the floor. I felt dirty, I was dirty. What clean person kills a man the way I did? Not being able to take the feeling anymore, I pulled myself from the floor, turning the shower on as hot as it would go. Clothes still on, I submersed myself under the spray of the shower head. The water was scalding hot, making my skin itch. I didn't move to scratch, I deserved the discomfort.

Dropping to my knees, I let out a loud wail. I covered my mouth to stop the sound from coming out, I could hear the families' sobs through my own. It took me a minute to calm down, my cries turned into sniffles, I felt the heaviness of my clothes. I took them all off, letting them sit on the shower floor. I let the water hit me for a few more seconds, I then turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry off.

I see my refection in the mirror, there I was red eyes, black hair. I couldn't stand to look at the hair Hydra gave me, the thing they took away from me all the while. I had to do something to get rid of it. I rushed out of the bathroom and threw on new clothes, grabbing my wallet. I got in the lift quickly, impatiently tapping my foot as it too forever to get the ground floor.

I ran out the building, heading to the nearest drug store which was only three feet away. I bought the first color of brown hair dye I saw, paid for it, and headed back to my floor.

Stepping out the shower for the second time today, I inhaled a deep breath. The mirror was fogged this time because I took care to rinse my hair thoroughly. I stood in front of the translucent looking glass, preparing myself mentally for what I'd see the instant I wiped it clear.

I took the towel from the rack, drying the ends of my dripping hair then used the corner of it to rub the mist off mirror. My breath hitched when I saw myself. I almost look like the old me, my hair now a medium brown. It was a relief, I felt that I took a part of me that was stolen back from them. I don't know why I didn't do it earlier, I just really hadn't thought about it like I did just a few hours ago.

I hear a knock on my bedroom door, brining me away from my reflection. I go to open the door, wrapping the towel around my body. Seeing Natasha there stunned me, she hadn't visited me on my floor in the past. We look at each other with the same stunned face. She speaks first,

"You dyed your hair?"

"I needed a change." I shrug.

"Change is good." She gave me a small smile, I halfheartedly returned one to her.

"Why are you up here?" I try not to sound agitated.

"Officially Steve sent me to check on cause you weren't answering your phone, unofficially I just wanted to stop by as a friend." That made me feel bad about being bothered, I couldn't force her to leave after she just said that.

"I'm all good, how about we talk in the living room? Let me just put some clothes on." She nodded, walking back down the hall. I quickly threw on shorts and a shirt, then shut my bedroom door behind me, following her to the living room.

'Hopefully this will be quick.' Taking a seat on the sofa, I turn to Natasha ready to start the conversation.

"Well you came up here for no reason" I throw my hands up, giving a tight lipped smile "because I'm all good." She sits forward putting her arms on her knees.

"I know you're not okay Arabella, it would be strange if you were. Believe it or not I know what you're going through." I gave her a disbelieving look. "It's true, before I was an S.H.I.E.L.D. agent I was kidnapped when I was a little girl, they trained me to become a Russian spy."

"I...I didn't know that I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not, if I hadn't been taken then I would've never met Clint and had the opportunity to work with S.H.I.E.L.D. It's not about the person I was when I was in Russia, it's about the person I planned to be once I left there." I felt my heart speed up, and I move my eyes quickly around the room. I place a hand on my chest, nodding a few times. She sat back onto the couch.

"So who do you want to be? Taking everyone else out of the equation, just you alone." I let out a small breath, nothing came to mind. I didn't even know who I was now.

"I don't know." I whisper. Natasha doesn't say anything else, we sit still in our own worlds. I was frustrated now, I knew who I was before I was kidnapped; A care taker. I was a survivor when I was with Hydra. Now I'm none of those things, all I see is a killer who has nothing of her own, but the color of her recently dyed hair.

'Well I guess that means I'm one step closer to finding myself.' That brought a tiny smile to my face. It's a start.