Authors note - just wanted to say thank you SO much for all your reviews so far :) really glad your enjoying it! Ruben x
Tilly stirred to the feel of a soft hand stroking her cheek. For a fleeting second she'd forgotten about the events that had played out earlier in the day. As she woke properly from her sleep, the memories swept through her and her eyes flew open to see her mum sat on the edge of the bed. She made eye contact, searching for the anger and disapointment that she'd seen earlier. But her mum just smiled at her and pulled her hand away, reaching for a mug that was sat on the bedside table.
"What's the time?" Tilly asked, struggling to sit up and take the tea from her mum. Her cheeks felt tight, a subtle reminder of the tears she'd cried before finally giving into her exhaustion.
"Just gone 8. Thought you'd be wide awake again in the early hours if I didn't wake you now." Her Mums eyes wondered around the room until her gaze settled on the collage of photos above Tillys desk. She stood up and slowly made her way over, reaching out to touch a photo of Maddie and Tilly. Tillys heart began to race and a fresh lump formed in her throat, threatening more tears. This time, she knew it was the grief. Not Jen, not what had happened today. Just honest, raw grief. Her mum turned around, ready to say something but seeing the tears silently making their way down Tillys cheeks, she decided against it. Instead, she squeezed onto the bed next to her daughter and held her tightly, her heart breaking as she rocked her gently.
After a while, Tilly could feel the grip of grief subsiding. She struggled away from her Mum, and reached for the cup of tea. Taking a sip, she pulled a face. It was stone cold.
"Come downstairs and I'll make you another one. I know it's probably the last thing you want to do, but we need to talk."
"Mum, please, I can't" Tilly panicked, realising a heart to heart with her mum could mean yet more lies.
"Yes, you can. Bottling it up doesn't work, Tilly. Look where that's got you." Tilly looked at her mum. She saw the genuine concern in her eyes, the need to try and fix the pain that Tilly was feeling.
"Ok. Just give me a minute to clean myself up, yeah?"
After her Mum had left, she stood up and went to the mirror. She jumped back a little, shocked at the person she saw staring back at her. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, her already pale skin ghostly white. The black bags under her eyes were a result of the tossing and turning she'd been doing since Esther had tried to commit suicide. She swallowed hard as that dreaded lump threatened to make another appearance, and made her way to the bathroom to wash her face.
Making her way downstairs, she found her parents sat at the kitchen table speaking quietly. They looked up as she walked in and she noticed her Dad was alot calmer.
"Sit down Tilly" he said gently, and pointed to a fresh mug of tea. She did as she was told and took a sip of her drink, closing her eyes as the warm liquid made its way down her throat.
"We owe you an apology" he started, but stopped abruptly and looked down. She was horrified to realise that he was holding back tears.
"We've let you down" he said, bringing his eyes back up to meet Tilly. They glistened with unspilt tears.
"Ever since you were young, you've been so level headed. Beyond your years. Wanting to do well at school, being sensible enough to put your studying before going out with your friends. Until last summer, we'd never had a days trouble with you. I guess until then, neither of us had ever truely appreciated how lucky we were." He stopped and smiled at her, which she tried to return.
"When you stole that money, and later on the car, I was fuming. But once you explained why you'd done it, I understood. We promised not to put pressure on you, but we realise now we didn't follow through with that." He looked to her Mum then, silently asking her to continue as a single tear slid down his cheek.
"What your Dad's trying to say, Tilly, is that you've seemed to be coping so well on the outside, it really didn't cross our minds that you were hurting so much inside. We've talked about it, ofcourse we have. We thought maybe it would hit you properly once your exams were out of the way. But we should have asked you. And we're sorry that we've let this happen." Her mum reached out and took Tillys hand, squeezing gently. Tilly looked away. The more they said, the worse she felt.
"I've made you an appointment at the Dr's. With a counsellor." Tilly instantly opened her mouth to protest but her Dad jumped in.
"You need to do this, Tilly. Hiding your feelings away, and pretending their not there doesn't work. I think being expelled from school is proof of that. So, next week, we want you to rest. Listen to music, watch rubbish day time TV" her Dad said, trying to lighten the mood slightly. He grinned, and Tilly smirked back at him, relieved his mood had picked back up slightly.
"And after that, you'll go the the appointment your mums made for you. At some point, we need to find out what we're going to do about your A levels. What your options are. But I don't want you worrying about that for now, ok?" Tilly took a deep breath and pulled out her best smile.
"Thanks so much for understanding guys. I promise to go to see the counsellor, but I can't promise to watch Jeremy Kyle" she said, pulling a face. Both her parents laughed and she relaxed a little.
Actually, they were right. She hadn't dealt with losing Maddie, Neil and Jono. Apart from writing those e-mails to Jen, she'd never properly talked about it with anyone. Even though she'd used Maddie as an excuse, it was dawning on her that it wasn't a complete lie. She hadn't grieved properly, her mind occupied with A levels and thoughts of Jen. But that wasn't going to be a problem anymore.