At 2am, Tilly was still wide awake. Talking with her parents had glossed over the depth of her feelings for a while, but as soon as she'd returned to her room, they engulfed her once more. She didn't try and block it out. What was the point? Amongst the feelings of self-hatred, and grief, the anger still bubbled away in the pit of her stomach. It was scary how much things could change in a year. This time last year, she was so sure of everything. Secure in her friendship group, determined with her studies.
How could I have got so lost?
She pulled herself out of bed and walked over to her window, pulling back the curtains. Although there were no stars to be seen, she imagined three shining lights, gleaming down at her.
"I'm so sorry guys" she breathed, peering up at the sky. "I wish I'd been with you. I wish I'd protected you. What I said earlier, to my mum... I meant every word. You have left a massive hole in my life. And no one, not Jen, not anyone, will ever fill it. You were right, Maddie. She is a bitch. I can only begin to imagine what you'd do if you were here now..."
The thought made her smile. She shook her head and went to the draw the curtains. Just before she closed them completely, she took one last look at her three imaginary shining stars.
"Sweet dreams guys."
Tilly woke the next day to the sound of her phone. She sat up quickly, fumbling around on her bedside table. It stopped ringing before she had a chance to answer. Seeing it was George that had tried to ring, she contemplated returning the call. She realised she had no idea how she was going to explain away being expelled to her friends. What was left of them, anyway. Her mind flittered to Sinead. Had Jen told them what had happened? Would Diane believe her? Ofcourse she would. Diane had always made Tilly feel like the situation between her and Jen was completely one-sided. It was clear the woman didn't want to accept that Jen had fallen for her student. If Sinead had caught wind of it, chances were news was already circulating. Maybe she should phone George back before he heard it from someone else? God, what did it matter? Esther was lying in hospital, battling liver failure, and she was worried about people gossiping. Thinking about Esther brought on a whole new onslaught of emotion that Tilly wasn't sure she could face. She still couldn't believe how she'd lied to protect Jen. She remembered back to the common room, where Jen was more worried about Tilly telling someone the truth than she was about the fact she'd left Esther in the folly, knowing full well something was wrong. How could she have done that?
Tilly realised she was once again letting Jen cloud her mind. She couldn't let this happen. She had to build a brick wall. Feeling this emotional was exhausting, draining all of her energy. Her thoughts turned to Maddie, Neil and Jonno. How was she going to bare the pain of talking about them with a counsellor? She wasn't sure she could handle another day like she'd had yesterday. On top of Jen, and Esther, it was too much to bare. As the decision was forming in her mind, she was torn. But she knew to get through the next few weeks she needed to be strong.
"Please don't hate me guys, but I might have to tell a few more lies" she whispered, closing her eyes. "If I can keep pretending that everythings ok, just for a while longer, then I can give Jen what she deserves. I promise you I won't forget. I love you."
All she had to do now, was convince the counsellor she was ok. That, and keep that little couldron of anger bubbling away inside of her. She was sure it was all she needed to make Jens world come crashing down around her.