The portrait hole closed behind me in the wake of my words and I stood there for a moment not quite believing what had just taken place. Our relationship had grown tenser and more frigid as the years progressed from childhood to adolescence, yet I had never envisaged a complete sever in its foundation. I never foresaw it becoming obsolete. Nor, I guess, did I imagine that he would ever go back on his promise that day so many years previous to this one.

'Does it make any difference, being Muggle-born?'

'No, it doesn't make any difference…'

Whenever a major change in my life would present itself, I would always close my eyes for a moment, just a moment: not much longer than a blink. The world would elapse around me and I imagined that I was the only person living on earth and the universe was at my mercy; a lone wander in vastness. I closed my eyes in the gloom of the entrance of the Common room with my back to the portrait hole and I surrendered myself to the pain of my decision. As moral and as righteous as it was, it gave me no pleasure to lose such an integral part of my childhood and self-discovery.

You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine ….

I opened my eyes. I had no choice but to carry on with the rest of my life.

'Hey Evans, wait! Are you alright?' James Potter who was gathered around the fire in the best armchairs with the rest of the Marauders, inclined away from the chess match he was playing with Remus to stare at me imploringly. His glasses were opaque in the reflection of the fire light, his eyes impossible to deceiver and most of his face was laced in shadow. However, most of his upper body leaned imperiously towards me as if I needed comfort in some sort of way that he would most willingly and expertly provide me with. There was no longer the deep gash on the side of his face that Snape had inflicted on him earlier; however the ugliness of his personality shone through like the ghost of the gruesome cut nonetheless.

I had always disliked James' actions but now I felt like everything about him was in question.

I expended the very minimal amount of my attention in his direction before heading up to bed with my head down and hands cold.

I lay on my back staring up at the richly embodied canopy up above at my four poster bed. I slept fitfully for what must have been only a few hours before awakening fully and have remained so for goodness knows how long. I could hear the other girls in my dormitory sleeping, breathing heavily, and making slight snuffling noises in their sleep. My brain just couldn't switch off from everything, all of it. What Snape had done and what I had done, what Snape didn't do and what I didn't do.

All of a sudden I couldn't stand the inertia so I planted my feet on the cool wooden floor.

I wandered down the still sleeping corridors of Hogwarts in the half light of the still somnolent surroundings of Scotland; it was several hours earlier than anyone would start to be pulled away from their dreams yet. I felt oddly distant from everything as if earth was not my centre for gravity as I walked. Perhaps it was my lack of sleep.

My silent footsteps led me down the Marble staircase, skipping the trick step and with a solemn tab of my wand, unlocked the Great oak doors out into the grounds. Tiny insects flew spritely in the warm despondency of pre-dawn and mist that was yet to be burned off by the risen sun; it lingered sensuously close to the trees and water of the black lake. I made my way back to the beech tree for ironies sake of the previous day's events and sunk against its rough bark, closing my stinging, tired eyes with a sigh. It was certainly nicer sitting here, free, than in the stuffy confinements of a bed that I could find no sleep in.

When looking inside myself, I took note of a fair mind and a girl who liked to enquire into things to make her own judgement, not to follow what others had already christened it with. In my naivety though, things had slipped through the gaps that I hadn't noticed before. My mind had been unwilling to swell itself to other possibilities if it meant that I was wrong. I think in some ways after all I did see the world in black and white. Good and bad, right and wrong. However as I had grown together with the world around me I realised that this was not the case. There was grey in amongst and dispersed in the breaths of everybody. My quandary wasn't wholly bad, yet I feared that all his goodness was draining from him, drop by drop …

In my first year at Hogwarts, I became aware of the prejudice of the Slytherin house and of its rivalry with Gryffindor. I felt proud that I was abolishing that with my continued friendship with Severus. I hadn't grasped that it had made me self-righteous and foolhardy. I was proving that they weren't all horrible wasn't I? I was leading the way through the discrimination valiantly on my own with my puffed up ideals and beliefs. I cast my superior and pitying eye over anyone who didn't see things the way I did and shook my head at their ignorant morals.

Yet … I was the one who was blinded. I was the one who didn't appreciate what was before my very eyes. I ignored my friends bringing me news of Severus calling other Muggle-borns by that repulsive slur in passing between classes. I dismissed his love for the Dark Arts and the hearsay that he was involved in certain demonstrations of it on peers. All of that however paled in comparison with one particular revelation. The image of his face as he failed to contradict me when I remarked on his desire to join the Death Eaters would stay with me forever. That knowledge felt like a physical pain in my chest. My childhood friend, join the evil ranks of You Know Who? A shiver scurried down my spine at the thought. A strong momentum that one couldn't fail to notice was gathering outside the safety of Hogwarts. The Daily Prophet brought us news of disappearances, killings, attacks … All taken credit by him and his followers.

I rested my chin on my knees as I gazed over the expansive Black lake; burning sparkles lit its smooth surface as the first rays of sunlight glossed it. I inevitably knew that there would come a day in the future when I would fight his friends, and he mine, possibly to the death and wonder where it all went wrong.