Authors note - hey guys, thank you so much once again for your reviews. I hope your not disappointed with what your about to read, I know its not what some of you were expecting! Special thank you to my 'number one fan' ;) Enjoy! Ruben x p.s all lyrics belong to The Lumineers, and I've altered them ever so slightly.

Wednesday morning, and Tilly had woken early. Tossing and turning, trying to ignore the churning in her stomach. She'd reached a decision. She couldn't face the counsellor. Feeling weak like this, she'd crumble under the gentle words, the leading questions. The night before, her mum had offered to stay home from work to take her, and Tilly was thankful that she'd told her not to. They wouldn't find out she hadn't gone, it was confidential. She felt awful that she'd have to lie to them once again, especially after everything they had done for her in the last week. She marvelled at how lucky she was to have such supportive parents. She thought of George, and Pheobe, and the hundreds of others who didn't have that safety net, the unconditional love that only a parent could provide. She thought of Esther in hospital, who had felt so alone she'd wanted to die. Maybe she should go and visit her today? No. It would be selfish. If Esther didn't want her there, she'd stay away. That was one friendship she didn't deserve.

After practically pushing her mum out the door, she stumbled through her morning routine and made her way back downstairs, flicking the kettle on. Sitting in the living room with a coffee, she blindly watched the TV. Her mind was elsewhere, trying to muster up the anger she'd kept alive since being expelled. She knew it was there, somewhere, but she was struggling to unleash it. In its place was a painful ache, deep within her. She stood up abruptly, determined to regain her strength, fix that brick wall that was supposed to be protecting her heart. Grabbing her coat and bag, she left the house, taking in big lungfuls of the crisp morning air.

Reaching the folly, she wasn't quite sure how she'd got there. The tears had started at some point, huge sobs escaping from deep within her stomach, making it hard to catch her breath. Whatever hope she had left of keeping strong had vanished, as she gave into the grief that ripped through her entire body. Sitting down on the bench, she fumbled blindly in her bag, pulling out her earphones. She didn't care anymore. Didn't care that she couldn't hold it together. Why should she? The worst part about it, was the reason for her tears. She wanted them to be for Maddie, Neil and Jonno. She wanted them to be for Esther. She wanted them to be for guilt, or for telling so many barefaced lies to her parents. But they weren't for any of those things. It was all part of it, God ofcourse it was. She'd give anything to turn back time, make different choices.

But not as much as I'd give to turn back time, and change what Jen's done.

Oh, how she hated herself for it. But it was the truth. Finally the denial was gone, and Tilly allowed herself to accept what she'd always known. That she didn't hate Jen. She couldn't hate her. She'd never be able to report their relationship. And there wasn't going to be some big revenge plan. Despite what Jen had done, Tilly still loved her with everything she had. And whilst she couldn't forgive her, there no was point carrying on trying to fool herself that she had it in her to hurt Jen. She couldn't hurt a hair on her head. Tilly let the realisation engulf her, the sobs catching in her throat as they struggled to escape.

I'm so sorry, Maddie. Hate me for it. You too, Neil and Jonno. Hate me for caring more about her. I wish I didn't. I wish it didn't matter so much. But it does. I miss you guys, so much, and would give anything to have you back. But I need to cry for her. Cry for what she's done. I'm so sorry.

She was trying to untangle her earphones, her hands shaking violently and the tears still streaming down her face. Eventually she managed to put them in her ears, and pulled up her playlist. Finding the song she was looking for, she pulled her legs up onto the bench and buried her face into her knees.

She'll lie and steal and cheat, and beg you from her knees
Make you thinks she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
But I still love her, I don't really care
When we were young, oh we did enough
When it got cold, we bundled up
I can't be told, it can't be done
It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
Pay attention now,
I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I wont leave until you come downstairs
I don't blame you dear for running like you did, all these years
I would do the same, you best believe
The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore
I never trusted my own eyes

She pulled the earphones abruptly from her ears. She couldn't listen to anymore. She couldn't listen to anything. The walls of the folly were caving in around her and she leapt up, terrified. She began to panic as her breath became shallow. Grabbing her bag, she turned to the steps and stumbled up them. As she reached the top, she bumped straight into something. She hopped backwards, the shock of the unexpected obstacle making her jump. But as she wiped her eyes to get a clearer view, time froze. Her entire insides turned cold and she felt her heart stop. She hadn't bumped into something. She'd bumped into Jen.