It's been a few weeks since Brittany took Santana to her dance class and caused a frenzy of weird dreams to overwhelm the thoughts of both girls. Despite their dreams, both girls have managed to not make their friendship awkward. They just hung out every day during tutoring and never brought up the clear tension between them, just below the surface.
Again, seventh hour rolls by and it's time for tutoring. Santana has been thoroughly impressed by the amount of progress that Brittany has been making. She can't help but think that this is the product of her teaching methods which she has tailored to the learning disability that she believes Brittany has. Despite the clear progress, Santana has neglected to tell Brittany about how she believes that she might have a learning disability because Santana doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Santana knows that intelligence is a very sensitive topic for Brittany and she doesn't want to hurt her friend.
It was clear that the beginning of the school year had come and gone. As Santana walked into the library she could clearly see the clutter, the trash, and the posters already falling off the walls. She sighed, You would think that this school would at least find a way to make it look like we should want to be here.
Santana sat at the usual table and waited for Brittany to arrive. Santana knew that there was some unspoken awkwardness between the two. She knew that there was something that Brittany wasn't telling her. Then again, there was something that she wasn't telling Brittany. It was all very confusing.
"Santana!" Brittany practically yelled as she skipped toward the table. Brittany was way too excited. What had gotten into her?
"Hey Brittany," Santana greeted as she stood up to hug her friend. "What's gotten into you today? You're way too chipper. It's only Thursday, you're not allowed to be happy until Friday."
Brittany laughed at Santana's clear sarcasm. Santana's sarcasm is the only sarcasm that Brittany understood, for some reason unknown to the both of them. "This is why I'm so happy," Brittany handed Santana a piece of paper from her bag.
Santana took a minute to examine the paper. It was a midterm report card that was given to all of the students in homeroom that day. As she read down the sheet, Santana saw the following:
Biology - B
Math Core II- A
World Literature- C
History of the Americas- B-
Lunch- N/A
Spanish- A-
Student Government- A
"Oh my God, this is great!" Santana practically choked the air out of Brittany with a tight, bear hug.
"I know, I can't even believe it. I never got an A in Spanish or Math before. I mean, I've never really got A's before period, but this…" Brittany sighed contently, "This is amazing."
"Damn straight! I'm so proud of you!" Santana was ecstatic. She couldn't believe how far Brittany had come in just a few weeks.
"Yeah, it would be a super duper awesome…um check-in… status thingy if I could figure out Lit class," Brittany sighed as she sat in her seat.
"Well, we can work on lit if you want, what don't you understand?" Santana wondered.
"Well it's not that I don't understand the material, it's that I understand it the wrong way. At least that's what Mr. Johnson says. He says that I don't get the themes."
"That's okay, we can work on that. I can help you identify themes when you're taking notes," Santana said as she pulled out Othello by Shakespeare.
"Lit isn't the only thing that I'm having a problem with though," Brittany hung her head and played with her fingers.
"Are you okay?" Santana wondered as she tried to read Brittany's expression.
"It's just that sometimes I have a hard time just remembering normal things. Not just class things. I mean, you've helped me to understand and remember class things, but sometimes I forget non-class things, you know?" Brittany explained.
"You mean like you forget things that just happen, outside of class?" Santana wondered.
"Yeah, exactly. It's like, sometimes I really want to remember something that you said, but it's gone, or I want to remember things that happened on certain days, funny things, sad things, all sorts of things, but the things aren't there. It's like my brain is an office of little Brittany's all running around looking for a bunch of files that were accidentally deleted by an evil duck."
Santana giggled as she imagined the scene; a bunch of little Brittany's in Brittany's head all running around looking for information. "Well, how about you keep a journal? You could write down everything that you want to remember, or things that seem important at the time so that you can have a written record of everything. You'll never have to worry about forgetting again, because the memories will always be there; just make sure to write down everything in detail."
"I've never kept a journal before. I don't really know how," Brittany muttered a little embarrassed.
"Well, it's kind of like writing letters to yourself. Since you'll be writing to remember, you'll be writing kind of like taking notes on your own life. But make sure that what you write is for yourself. In a journal, no one else sees what you write but yourself. So you get to put down everything that you're feeling and it's okay," Santana tried to explain how to keep a journal. Santana had never really been successful in keeping a journal herself, but she knew the mechanics.
"I like that. It'll be like keeping notes on my life. These notes, how you taught me to take them, have been helping me with everything else, so they should be able to help with normal life stuff too. Yeah, that's a great idea," Brittany smiled wide as took out her things for the tutoring session.
"Alright, well we should take a look at Othello. We could read a little and you can tell me what you're thinking and we'll go from there, okay?" Santana said as she opened the play.
"Hey, Santana?" Brittany stopped the progression of the session.
"Yeah?" Santana wondered as she looked up.
"Can I write letters to you too? I mean, it'll help me remember things and you're my best friend, so…" Brittany began to ramble.
"Of course you can write letters to me. It's a great idea, I can write letters back to you and then you'll have like a second journal. It'll be fun," Santana replied.
"Cool," Brittany simply replied. Little did Santana know the real reason for Brittany suggesting the friendship letter writing. Santana had told Brittany that she can talk about things that no one else will see in the letters. The dream that Brittany had weeks ago still haunted her. She feels like sometimes she likes Santana more than just a best friend and she wants to tell Santana that, but Brittany doesn't feel like she can say it out loud. So, writing it makes sense. If she writes it, then it's just between them and no one else will see or call her stupid or anything.
"So, I'll read first and we can switch off," Santana suggested as she began reading the beginning of the first act. Brittany smiled, hiding her glee behind her book as Santana recited the play aloud.
Brittany had just gotten home from school. Despite the smell of Macaroni and Cheese beckoning her downstairs, Brittany decided that she had to write her letter to Santana first. I have to let her know how I feel.
Brittany ran straight to her room and shut the door; hoping to shut out the smell of the extremely yummy smelling food too. She quickly grabbed a sheet of paper out of her backpack and began writing.
Santana,
So, I've sorta been meaning to tell you something for a long time. You know that I'm not really good with word so I'm just gonna try my best to get it all out there. Here it goes. The friendship that we have really means a lot to me. I've never met anyone as nice and patient as you. I can share everything with you and you are always interested and you never tell me that I'm stupid and you're always there. You understand me more than anyone even my parentals. You are the most beautiful amazing and smart bestie that anyone could ever ask for. I had this dream the night after you came to my dance practice. It made me think that I kinda like you as more than a bestie. I know that you probably don't feel the same way but you said that in letters you can say things that you're too afraid to say out loud. I really like you and I just wanted to tell you that. Thank you for being the best thing that ever happened to me.
3 Brittany =)
Brittany scanned the letter a few times and decided that she liked it. She wanted to make sure that Santana knew how she felt, but at the same time, she didn't want to freak Santana out. She needed to let Santana know gently. The absolute last thing that Brittany wanted was for her stupid feelings to mess up her friendship with Santana. Stupid brain, stupid feelings, really everything about me is stupid. But Santana likes even the stupid parts of me, so maybe she'll like my stupid feelings too, Brittany thought before she skipped downstairs to eat some super yummy Mac 'N' Cheese.
"Hey, I feel like we haven't hung out in forever," Quinn says as she jumps on Santana's couch.
"Yeah, you know me, I've just been really focused on school," Santana defended as she set a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.
"Is that code for, I've been really busy with my new best friend Brittany?" Quinn wondered taking a handful of popcorn.
Santana was taken aback, "No, it's not code for anything. I've just been really busy. Plus, we see each other all the time at school."
"You know that it's not the same. We're best friends, we're supposed to hang out and talk about things and you've just been so distant lately," Quinn commented.
"I'm sorry I haven't really been a good friend, huh?" Santana winced as she thought about how little time she's spent with her best friend lately.
"Like I said, distant."
"I'll try to be less distant-y," Santana rounded toward the movie shelf and began running her eyes over the titles.
"You have been spending way too much time with that airhead," Quinn commented on the way Santana spoke.
Santana's eyebrows furrowed, "She's not an airhead."
"Total airhead," Quinn laughed it off, not thinking that it was a big deal.
Santana turned around, officially angry, "Look, Quinn, Brittany is not an airhead. She's smart okay? And she's my friend, so don't talk about her like that, go it?"
"What is it with this whole 'Brittany and I are friends' thing anyway? You two hadn't said two words to each other before this year!" Quinn started to get angry at Santana for protecting Brittany.
"We're friends, deal with it!" Santana's face turned an angry color of red.
"Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so mean. It's just that I'm worried about you. You're really invested in this friendship and I don't know that Brittany feels the same way. I'm worried about you," Quinn repeated some familiar words from a few weeks ago.
"We've gone over this already," Santana became a little less flustered.
"I'm your best friend, it's my job to look out for you," Quinn defended.
Santana pondered that for a second, "Yeah, true that…You're right, you have a right to be worried, but I can assure you that you don't have a reason to be worried. Just give Brittany a chance, she's not a bad person, I swear."
"Fine, but if you end up on the butt end of some bad joke, I have every right to tell you 'I told you so,' deal?" Quinn held out her hand.
Santana shook her hand, "Deal. Now, what movie are we going to watch?"
"Oh, I was thinking Easy A," Quinn said a little too excited.
"Easy A it is," Santana said pulling out the DVD.
The next day at school, Brittany had a hard time concealing her nerves. The thought had crossed her mind a couple of times to just tear up the letter that she was going to give to Santana and pretend like she never wrote it. However, she knew that she had to follow through with giving the note to Santana. She had to know.
"What's up with you?" Sugar wondered as they stood in the middle of the hall.
"Oh, nothing," Brittany lied.
"Lying bitch, what's up?" Sugar was pretending to be concerned.
"You curse like a sailor, did you know that?" Puck commented. Puck is the quietest and least cruel of the popular kids. He's actually pretty nice. He's only in the popular crowd because he is an all-star athlete.
"Whatever Puck. So, what's up with you ditzy?" Sugar pointed the question at Brittany.
Brittany hated when Sugar outwardly called her stupid. She just ignored her and said, "I'm going to go, I'll see you guys in class."
Brittany walked down the hall and towards Santana's locker. "See you later, hot stuff," David said, but Brittany was already out of hearing range.
"What the hell?" Sugar wondered to the rest of the group.
Brittany ignored her friends and her boyfriend because, honestly, she could care less about them right now. The only real person in Brittany's life that meant anything to her is Santana. She had to give her this letter before she tore it up. Santana was putting a book into her locker when she spotted Brittany.
"Hey, Britt, what's up?" Santana wondered as she pulled her biology text book out of her locker and placed it in her bag.
"We said that we were going to write letters to each other, so here," Brittany practically shoved the letter in Santana's hands and then left without saying another word. Of course Santana thought that this was weird, but decided not to run after her and find out what was wrong.
Santana unfolded the letter and read it over. She couldn't believe it. Brittany felt the same way as her. Holy crap. Santana leaned up against her locker and exhaled a content sigh. The words in the letter cut deep. She knew exactly how Brittany felt because she felt the exact same way. It was weird that they both had a feeling-confusing dream the night after Brittany's dance class, but Santana shrugged it off. She figured that she could tell Brittany about it later in the letter that she's going to write back.
The day had dragged on slower than usual. Santana thought that it was probably because she was so anxious to write a letter back to Brittany. The second that the bell rang signaling the beginning of her lunch hour, Santana ran up to the library for some privacy so she could write back to Brittany.
Brittany,
I love our friendship too. It really means a lot to me that you're in my life. I never thought that I could be in such honest and good friendship with someone. You are an amazing listener and you are NOT stupid. Stop saying that you're stupid, because you're not. You are perfect just the way you are. You are amazingly beautiful, you're hilarious, and you are crazy talented. You are the best bestie that anyone could ever ask for. I will always be here for you, no matter what.
Funny story, I had a dream the night after your dance practice too. It had the same effect on me. I couldn't help but think that our friendship was more than a friendship. I like you like a best friend, but I like you as something else too. I can't explain it, but I know that I like you as more than a bestie. I've never felt this way about a girl before and it kind of scares me, but I know that we'll figure it out because I know that with you it's really easy to figure things out. I'm really glad that you feel the same way that I do. And I'm really glad that we're writing these letters because I would be way too afraid to say all of this out loud. Also, we need to work on your comma usage because it's non-existent.
~Santana 3
Santana was content with the letter and decided that she was going to give it to Brittany instead of just telling Brittany how she feels. This is better. It's safer. They can be themselves in writing. Both Brittany and Santana have expressed how they can't always be themselves when they're around others, but in these letters it's just the two of them and they can be themselves without any worries.
Brittany and Santana exchanged letters for days. It was amazing how they could be so open and honest with each other. They never had this with anyone else. They just let go of all their fears and let down all of their walls and let all of their thoughts and feelings out fly out into the open.
Over the past couple of days the two had decided that they mutually liked each other. They flirted openly in the notes, but they still weren't certain about coming out with everyone else. Plus, Brittany didn't want to hurt David by breaking up with him so suddenly, she had to ease into a breakup. Brittany knew that it was a bad excuse, but Santana understood. They decided that they couldn't really be together until Brittany sorted things out with David, which she fully intended to do… soon.
At the end of their tutoring session that day, Brittany gives Santana her letter and says, "So, my parents want to meet you."
Santana's eyes widen thinking that Brittany told her parents about her feelings for Santana. Santana chokes out, "Um, why?" Santana didn't want to accuse Brittany of anything before she knew all the facts.
"They just want to meet the amazing tutor that has been helping my grades soar to new heights," Brittany smiled at the thought that she was getting good grades.
"Oh, okay," Santana sighed with relief.
"So, can you come over for dinner tonight? We're having pasta!" Brittany said way to excited about the food situation.
"Absolutely, let me just text my mom that I'll be at your place," Santana pulled out her phone.
"You're mom texts? My mom is still in the Stone Age," Brittany commented as Santana texted her mom.
"Yeah, my mom's pretty tech savvy," Santana chuckled as she slipped her phone back into her pocket.
Then, the bell rang for the end of the school day. "Well, I'll see you around five?" Brittany suggested.
"Yeah, I'll see you then," Santana grabbed all of her things and shoved them in her backpack.
Santana and Brittany exchanged a quick goodbye hug and went on their separate ways. Santana didn't think much of the dinner meeting when Brittany had invited her, but now Santana's stomach was full of butterflies. Why am I so nervous? Get ahold of yourself Lopez! Santana mentally scolded herself as she walked down to the parking lot.
Once in her car, Santana realized that her breathing resembled hyperventilating and she was gripping the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles were a freakish type of white. She turned on her radio and blasted her air conditioner to help calm her down. She didn't understand why she was acting this way. She liked Brittany, Brittany knew that she liked her; they were keeping it safe in the closet for now. There wasn't going to be any awkward coming out conversations, it was just a friendly dinner. Santana had to get ahold of herself.
Alright, this is the big moment Lopez, just knock on the damn door. Santana stood outside the Pierce residence like a statue. She tried to will her hand to knock on the door, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Chicken shit, she thought to herself.
Then, as if she sensed that Santana was there, Brittany opened the door. Thank God, Santana thought relieved.
"Hey, why are you just standing there?" Brittany laughed as she pulled Santana inside.
"I honestly have no idea," Santana shrugged as she took off her shoes.
"For a smart kid, you're pretty weird sometimes," Brittany smiled as she took Santana's hand in her own and led her to the dining room.
Santana took in the intoxicating aroma of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread. Then she saw Brittany's parents. Mr. Pierce has light brown hair and amazing blue eyes just like Brittany's. Mrs. Pierce has platinum blonde hair and the same blue eyes as her husband and Brittany.
"Mom, Dad, this is Santana, my tutor," Brittany introduced as we entered the room.
"So this is the wonderful tutor turned best friend that we hear so much about," Mrs. Pierce greeted with a hug. Friendliness apparently runs in the family.
"It's nice to meet you," Mr. Pierce said as he began helping himself to the food. He had apparently been waiting to dig into the food because he practically attacked it once Santana arrived.
"It's nice to meet you too," Santana couldn't help but smirk at how Mr. Pierce went after the food, like it was going to get up and run away if he didn't get to it now.
"Help yourself, dear," Mrs. Pierce threw Santana a smile and handed her a plate.
"Thanks, it smells great," Santana commented as she scooped some spaghetti onto her plate.
Once everyone had gotten their food and began eating, Mrs. Pierce broke the silence, "So, Brittany tells us that you're the smartest girl in school."
"Oh, gosh, I wouldn't say that," Santana looked down at her food trying to be modest. She was at the top of the class, but again, she didn't really think that she was super smart, she just worked really hard.
"Oh please. You need to give yourself some credit, Santana. She's at the top of our class, number one," Brittany decided that she wasn't going to let Santana get away with being modest tonight.
"That's wonderful dear, we are so glad that you're tutoring Brittany," Mrs. Pierce offered.
"So, how has the tutoring been going," Mr. Pierce wondered.
"Oh, I forgot to show you guys," Brittany said as she started to stand up. "May I be excused for a moment?"
Mr. Pierce nodded and repeated to Santana, "So, how is she doing?"
"Brittany's doing great. I mean, she is doing fantastic. She's improved in all of her classes and she understands all of the material," Santana began.
"Yeah, we figured that she did. We always knew she was doing poorly just because she didn't do her work. You're a really great role model for her," Mr. Pierce commented.
"No, she works really hard. She always has. We're doing some exercises with notes that are helping her remember and understand the material," Santana defended. Santana didn't like how Mr. Pierce just assumed Brittany didn't work hard.
"Oh, well, that's good," Mr. Pierce almost looked offended by Santana's tone and she wanted to say sorry, but she wasn't.
Brittany skipped back into the dining room and handed Mrs. Pierce her midterm report card. "Oh dear, Gordon, you have to see this," Mrs. Pierce was taken aback by the grades.
"Brittany, this is wonderful! Whatever you're doing, it's working," Mr. Pierce shot Santana a faint smile.
"It's all Brittany, she deserves full credit," Santana said as she took a bite of food.
"Thanks, but you're the one who helped me figure out how to understand school," Brittany nudged Santana's arm.
"We're so proud of you, Brittany," Mrs. Pierce left the dining room momentarily with the paper, but was back in seconds.
"Where'd you put it?" Brittany wondered what Mrs. Pierce had done with the midterm report.
"I put it on the fridge sweetie," Mrs. Pierce smiled.
Brittany's expression turned from happy to absolutely bubbly. She had a hard time containing herself.
After dinner was finished, Brittany invited Santana upstairs. They both left to Brittany's room to hang out without the watchful eyes of Brittany's parents. Once they were inside Brittany's room, Brittany flopped onto her bed and began to tear up. Santana sat herself down next to Brittany a little worried.
"What's wrong?" Santana wondered.
Brittany sat up, "Nothing's wrong, everything's right." Brittany wiped a tear away.
Santana scooted closer to Brittany and placed a hand on her thigh, "Then why are you crying?"
"My parents have never put anything of mine on the fridge before. I know it sounds crazy, but everyone else's parents did that when they got good grades. I never got good grades, so they never put anything up there," Brittany smiled at Santana.
Santana looked into Brittany's piercing blue eyes and felt so warm inside. It wasn't because Brittany was so close or because she was so beautiful, it was because Santana was so happy that Brittany was happy.
Neither of them had noticed how long they had just been staring into each other's eyes. Slowly, the two drifted towards each other, both unconsciously. Then it happened. They kissed.
Santana moved her hand from Brittany's thigh to her cheek, cupping it in her hand. Brittany wrapped an arm around Santana's waist and pulled her into the kiss. After a couple of seconds, they pulled away.
"That was…" Santana began.
"Magical," Brittany finished.
"Yeah, wow," Santana dropped her hand from Brittany's cheek.
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Brittany laughed at Santana's inability to form words.
"So what does this mean?" Santana wondered.
"I don't know," Brittany answered honestly. "But I think it means that we are both really into each other," Brittany winked.
Brittany went in for another kiss, but Santana pulled back, "Have you talked to David yet?"
"No, but I will, I promise. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I don't want to be with him, I want to be with you," Brittany was always so comfortable talking around Santana when they were alone, or in their letters to each other.
"I want to be with you too," Santana said. Brittany went in for a kiss again, but Santana stopped her again, "But I can't let you cheat on David. You have to tell him before we do this."
Brittany looked down not liking the rejection, "Alright, I understand."
"I don't like it either. There's nothing I want more than to kiss you right now," Santana licked her lips remembering how soft Brittany's lips felt against her own. Santana regretted how freaking noble she was being, but she wasn't really doing it for her sake. Santana was preventing another kiss from occurring for Brittany's sake. She knew that Brittany would regret it even if she didn't care in that moment. She knew that Brittany needed to settle things with David before they could give in to their clear desire for each other.
Despite this clear desire, they were both still very confused. Santana was fairly certain that she wasn't gay and having these feelings was turning her whole world upside down. She didn't really know what to think. She likes Brittany, but she's scared. Santana decided that she was going to tell Brittany all of this via letter because she was afraid to say it aloud.
Author's Note:
"Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall