Authors note - Really sorry I haven't updated in a while! Life does have a habit of getting in the way sometimes. Please keep leaving your lovely reviews, they all make me smile :) Let me know if you have any ideas/suggestions! Ruben x
The butterflies in Tillys stomach felt as if they could fly out of her mouth, and her palms were cold and sweaty. She couldn't quite believe she was here. Sat in reception at college, waiting to meet the new headteacher. The same headteacher that had phoned her the Friday before, telling her that the governors had reached a decision. They were letting her return. It should have been the new she was waiting for. The news that would snap her out of the depression she could feel herself sinking into. She'd waited for the excitement, the relief. But it didn't come. And as he went on to say how Miss Gilmore was giving special consideration, due to the circumstances, she felt the queasiness curl into her stomach. It had taken everything she had not to hang up. She had to listen to him saying how lucky she was to have a second chance. How lucky she was that Miss Gilmore had been so understanding. Her emotions were once again gripping her painfully, and she wasn't sure how she really felt. She quickly agreed to a meeting the following Monday, and promptly hung up.
The past week had been such a difficult one, and she was angry at herself for what had happened at the Folly. Angry that Jen had seen her in such a state. Angry that she'd wanted Jen to hold her, so badly, even after everything that had happened. The irony of the situation had hit her. The only person that could truely take the pain away, was the one that had caused it in the first place. It wasn't just the lies Jen had told to Keeler. It was the lies she told to Tilly, after Esther tried to kill herself. Tilly had been so angry with her, disgusted that Jen could lie about something so important, just to save herself. She'd come across so nochalant, like Esther trying to commit suicide wasn't important. Like leaving her there in the Folly when she clearly needed help didn't mean she was partly to blame for Esther nearly dieing. Because that was the truth. And surely Jen knew that. If she hadn't have been so caught up in Esther realising she was there with Tilly, she would have stopped and tried to find out what was wrong. It was so difficult for Tilly to accept that the woman she loved could be capable of something like that.
The rest of the week had passed slowly, confusion and hurt consuming every thought. She'd had to lie yet again to her parents, telling them she'd been to the counsellor. Brushing off their concern about her fragile state, pretending it was the stress of waiting for the governors verdict. She hadn't been able to use Maddie as an excuse again, she didn't have it in her. Tilly was afraid that Maddies death was already becoming stained with the lies she was telling. She'd managed to get through the weekend on auto-pilot, obsessing over Jen and everything that had happened between them. Her mind whirred with thoughts of the weeks to come. How it would be to see Jen again. She'd had to do it all before, but this time was different. This time, there was too much unspoken emotion. Too many unanswered questions. Sunday night had been torterous, tossing and turning as her stomach churned. She craved Jen so much. Craved her smell, the feel of her curves beneath her hands. She craved her company, the carefree conversation and childish flirting. She was like a drug. Tilly knew she was bad for her, that Jen could do nothing but hurt her and chuck her even further into the hellhole she was sinking into. But she couldn't help herself. Couldn't help feeling like she needed Jen, just to breathe. At least she'd have the barriers of college to keep her away. There was noway Tilly would be able to so much as let her gaze linger on Jen without repurcussions. As far as the college, and all the teachers were concerned, Tilly was a crazy stalker who had harrassed Jen. The last thing she wanted was to add fuel to the fire. It humiliated her to think that they'd all be thinking that about her.
Monday morning had come all too soon, and Tilly had only managed a couple of hours sleep. She'd worked through her morning routine, the anxiety making her agitated. Her parents had wanted to come with her, but Tilly had insisted on going alone. She'd made a feeble excuse about wanting to look independant, mature. They'd reluctantly agreed, but her Mum had insisted on driving her to the college on her way to work. They'd pulled up outside the college and had sat in silence for a moment, Tilly overcome with nerves and her Mum sensing Tillys apprehension.
"You sure you don't want me to come in?" her Mum asked, placing a reassuring hand on Tillys knee. She looked at her mum and forced a smile onto her face.
"I'll be fine" Tilly replied, pushing the door open and getting out of the car. She turned and leant back in, grabbing her handbag from the seatwell. When she looked up, her mum was looking at her, the worry evident in her eyes.
"Stop worrying! Look, I'll text you as soon as I know what's happening. I'd better go." She threw one last smile at her mum before closing the door and heading towards the college.
She'd moved through the corridors swiftly, her heart in her throat. It felt so surreal being back in the building, like it belonged in a former life. She'd experienced so much emotionally since being expelled, she felt like a different person to the girl who had walked out of Jens artroom that day. Reporting to the receptionist, she'd sunk gratefully into a chair. It wasn't long before the receptionist stood up, and gestured for Tilly to follow her. She stood on shakey legs and moved slowly, trailing behind the receptionist towards the headteachers office.