Authors note - Hey guys, your next installment! All lyrics belong to The Avett Brothers. I would encourage everyone to listen to the song, it's beautiful. Enjoy :) Ruben x
Tilly woke the next morning groggy, and a bad mood settled on her as she dragged herself out of bed and into the shower. By the time she had finished getting ready for college, she was tired and grumpy. The restless night had unsettled her, and she felt frustration building inside her as she made her way downstairs for a much needed coffee. She was running late, and her Dad had already left for work. As she was boiling the kettle, her mum wondered into the kitchen.
"Yes please", her mum said lightly, smiling at the kettle. Tilly rolled her eyes and sighed, opening the cupboard for another cup.
"Good morning to you, too!" her mum joked, getting the milk out of the fridge. Tilly could feel the annoyance growing inside of her. She really wasn't in the mood for small talk this morning.
"Sorry, just tired", she muttered, spooning coffee into the cups and taking the milk. Her mum peered at her, frowning.
"Not worried about college, are you? Did anything happen yesterday?" Tilly caught herself from sighing again, keeping her face away from her Mums concerned eyes as she poured the water.
"No, Mum, nothing happened. I told you, it was fine." She handed her Mum the coffee, before picking up a magazine from the side and sitting down at the table. She flicked through it, vaguely registering Kerry Katonas latest fiasco as she scanned the pages.
Her Mum hovered by the sink, sipping her coffee and watching Tilly. She couldn't be angry at her for being so sullen, times like this were few and far between and she knew how blessed they were that Tilly was different to the usual stereotype that teenagers were labelled with. She was so proud of how Tilly had handled herself over the last couple of weeks, and the way she'd found it within her to fight her way back into college... It made her heart swell to think about how strong her daughter was. Even after everything she'd been through, losing her friends through such tragic circumstances, she was still fighting. Still working hard to shape a future for herself. Thinking about it, she was more than happy for Tilly be miserable and unconversational. She still feared that her daughter was bottling things up too much, and if she was acting like this at least she wasn't running from her feelings, or trying to hide them.
Thank God she's doing the counselling.
Tilly drained the last of her coffee, and stood up to put her cup in the sink. Her Mum moved out of the way and finished her own drink before stacking her cup on top of Tillys and picking up her bag.
"If you're quick, I can give you a lift", her Mum offered, searching for her keys. Tilly considered saying yes, but knew she needed to shift the bad mood she was in before getting to college. Sitting in the car with her Mums mindless chatter was only going to irritate her more. She needed some fresh air, to try and shake off the feelings that last nights dream had left her with.
"No, think I'll walk thanks. Try and wake up a bit." She headed out of the kitchen, before turning back and placing a quick kiss on her Mums cheek and forcing a small smile.
"Sorry for being grumpy." She left the kitchen and headed upstairs to gather her things up for college.
The walk wasn't helping much, but at least it was giving her more time on her own before facing the day ahead. The dream she'd had the night before had well and truely fuelled the deep, longing desire for Jen and she was fighting with a powerful temptation. It was so forceful, the need to be close to Jen, to touch her, and Tilly could feel her insides melt at the thought. Everything about Jen made Tilly feel alive. From her beautiful face, to the way her teeth rested so perfectly on her bottom lip when she smiled. The way Jens eyes expressed how she felt, more than her words ever could. Tilly could feel the burning sensation begin to spread through her stomach and her heart was fluttering. She was nearing college, and stopped for a moment to pull herself together. She took in long, deep breathes and rubbed her stomach subconciously. She forced herself to remember everything that Jen had done over the past few weeks. But as she already knew, there was no hate. Nothing to stop her craving the woman that had hurt her so deeply. She sighed. Today was going to be torterous.
The day was dragging slowly, and Tilly once again tried to lose herself in coursework and essays. She was finding it difficult to concentrate in class, her attention drifting idly to Jen. She'd blushed inwardly a few times and had to compose herself as erotic thoughts swam through her mind. George and Pheobe had been lingering in the common room at lunch, but they hadn't approached her and she hadn't attempted to build bridges. She knew she should try. Now, more than ever, she needed them. But if she was honest, she had no energy to care. Every part of her was dominated, obsessed almost, with Jen. And the more she let herself become embroiled in her thoughts, the less she cared about anything or anyone else. She'd gone past the point of hating herself for it. As the day drew to an end, Tilly left her last class and once again headed to her locker. Her heart began to speed up as she unlocked it and slowly opened the door, half of her apprehensive and the other half desperately hoping for another note to be waiting for her. The disappointment was instant as she scanned the locker to find nothing. She felt her stomach drop as she shoved her books inside and slammed the door. Just as she was about to turn away, she heard Mr Blakes voice resonate down the corridor.
"Ah, Tilly! Glad I caught you." He strolled down the corridor nochalantly. Tilly took a deep breath, waiting for him to reach her. She hoped her emotions weren't evident on her face as he stopped infront of her, a guarded smile on his face.
"How are you getting on?" he asked, looking down at her. Tilly forced a smile.
"Yeah, ok thanks. Is everything alright?" A small panic spread in her chest as she looked up at the headteacher.
"Yes, I just came to give you this", he replied, handing her an A4 envelope. "Your art module, broken down into units. Mr Riley wants you to highlight anything you still have left to do, so you can discuss it tomorrow. Ok?" Tilly let out her breathe and smiled, the panic subsiding.
"Brilliant, thank you. I'll get right onto it."
"Oh, there's also a memory stick in there, apparently it belongs to you. Miss Gilmore asked me to return it to you." Tillys heart leapt into her mouth as he gave her another guarded smile before turning and walking away. A memory stick? She waited impatiently for him to walk through the double doors, her whole body tingling with anticipation. She waited until he was out of sight before ripping open the envelope and reaching inside. Finding the memory stick, she pulled it out and stared at it in her hand. It definitely wasn't hers. Butterflies flittered in her stomach, as her head began to swim with possibilities of what the memory stick would hold. Curling her fingers around it tightly, she turned and walked quickly down the corridor and out of college, anticipation dancing in her chest.
Once at home, she placed the memory stick carefully on the kitchen table and flicked the kettle on. She was trying to steady her breathing, her heart ferocious against her rib cage. She was suddenly apprehensive, unsure of herself. Was the memory stick hers? Had she completely jumped ahead of herself, presuming this was another way of Jen trying to silently get through to her? Thinking it through clearly, she felt her heart sink slowly to her stomach and she sat down heavily at the table. What did she expect? A long letter, full of apologies and promises? There's noway Jen would risk doing that. Mr Blake could easily have plugged the memory stick into his own computer, see what was on it. Maybe he already had. And anyway, what would really change, even if Jen HAD written to her? Now that the desire had finally began to dissipate, the hurt and doubt was edging back into her heart. It was confusing her, the mixture of emotions that kept flaring up inside herself. Coming and going so quickly, switching between an uncontrollable desire for Jen, and the need for self preservation. Sighing, she stood up slowly and picked up the conflicting object. Making her way upstairs she turned on her laptop. Then, apprehensively, she inserted the memory stick and waited for it to load.
She scrolled through the files, double clicking each one, heart fluttering persistently inside her chest. Every document was an assignment outlay, work Tilly had already completed. She scrolled desperately through each one, seeking out hidden messages. But it appeared everything was as it seemed. Defeat flooded through her as she neared the end of the documents. But as she reached the bottom, she noticed the last file was different. The icon beside it told her it was a song.
The Avett Brothers - If It's The Beaches
Her body flared with emotion once more, her insides turning cold. She hovered the mouse over it for a second, before double clicking and waiting for the song to start.
Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I could hear I swear that I will
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for you
If I could go back
That's the first thing I would do
I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A homerun hit, a winning stand
A gaurantee and not a promise
That I'll never let your love slip from my hands
If it's the beaches
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever you want
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when we forget why we left here
Tilly shook uncontrollably as the song came to an end. The tears had started seconds after it had started, the slow melodic sound of the acoustic guitar vibrating through her. And as she listened to the lyrics, she was overwhelmed by them, fear and comfort settling within her in equal measures. Just knowing that Jen had taken the time to carefully pick a song that could tell Tilly all of the things she was too afraid to say had registered deeply, far more powerful than any apology. And it was beautiful. The simple lyrics holding such a strong, unquestionable message. Blinking through her tears, she reached out a trembling hand to play the song again. And she continued to repeat it, until she'd listened to it at least ten times and the lyrics were imprinted in her memory. A permanent reminder of the pure and dominent love that she felt for Jen. A permanent reminder that, no matter what had happened, or what was to come, Jen would eventually be by her side. It wasn't a choice anymore. It was inevitable.