A Camping trip?!

Tigerstar broke out out his dazed stupor with an intelligent "Harburghhhrreeehhgg?"

Out of all the torture he thought he'd go through when he was forced to accompany his idiot father to therapy, running into two of his least favorite cats in the world while he was there had admittedly came as a surprise, albeit an extremely unwelcome one. Who their chubby ginger friend was Tigerstar didn't know, nor did he know why said friend was embracing his father happily.

His lip curled at the sight of the ginger cat's collar. Probably some stupid kittypet friend... he thought, all previous constipation forgotten as one of his two enemies let out an awkward cough.

I knew I should have faked my own death.

This phrase had been running through Scourge's mind quite often ever since he had been granted parole two months ago. Normally he would have been delighted to be free of the horrid prison he had been kept in -solitary isolation was atrocious, no one to terrorize, torment, or murder at all!-, but having one of those conditions be that he have an eye kept on him by a family member was not part of the plan.

Originally, this wasn't supposed to be a problem. Although Quince had long since disowned him for being a "delinquent" and had refused to have anything to do with him, Scourge knew he had more than enough blackmail on both Socks and Ruby to convince one of them to agree to get him out of there; after that he would make himself disappear. What he wasn't counting on was Socks hiring some stupid lawyer to track down their biological father and letting him know of Scourge's predicament, and he never dreamed that said father would be secretly desperate to make amends with his first family and agree to take full responsibility for Scourge.

Now despite the fact he walked out on his mother and remarried, plus the fact he was a complete moron, Jake wasn't so bad. He felt extremely guilty that his housefolk had moved him away from his first mate Quince, who he hadn't even realized was pregnant, and wanted more than anything to reconnect with his son. He had only shed a tear upon hearing of Scourge's criminal record, saying that all this violence must have come from Scourge having to grow up without a "proper fatherly figure", and swore to never leave him alone until he was "stable". No, Jake was not the problem.

The problem lay within Jake's second marriage. His new wife, Nutmeg had jealousy issues and wasn't that fond of the idea that a kit from Jake's first marriage was going to stay with them, but her and Scourge had come to a mutual understanding that the other would just as happily ignore them as long as no trouble arose. He had met his half-sister, Princess, as well, and although rightfully suspicious of Scourge, she too remained polite and tolerated his presence whenever she visited her parents.

No, Scourge wouldn't have really minded being stuck with his father if not for one small bane of his existence that happened to be named Firestar.

Scourge had dismissed Jake's obvious resemblance to the flame-pelted menace when he had first met Jake, figuring it to be a cruel joke from fate to have his father's doppelgänger be the cause of his demise. It wasn't until one horrible Thanksgiving dinner that involved ten broken bones, flying avocados, an exploding armchair, three fire trucks, and twelve restraining orders that he was forced to deal with the fact that the cat whose picture he had been mutilating for years in prison was his half-brother.

Of course, once Jake had figured out his two sons had such an animosity toward each other, he had put his paw down, insisting they either "hug it out" or go to therapy to find their "brotherly love" for each other. Considering that Scourge still had dogs' teeth-enforced claws, therapy had been decided as the best option for both unwilling parties.

However, no matter all the humiliation, fury, pain, and sheer bizarreness of their meetings with Flamestripe, Scourge had never anticipated in a lifetime what he saw before him.

As his father argued with the young receptionist who looked about ready to faint, Scourge couldn't help but feel worried. That feeling increased when said receptionist insisted that she was sorry, but today's appointment was canceled, then proceeded to flee out of the office. It was only confirmed when the last cat Scourge ever expected to see was shoved out of the counseling room and froze when seeing him.

No. No no no no no.

Firestar peered suspiciously out from behind his father at his bitter enemy staring frozen back at him. At his side crouched his other bitter enemy; the one he had forcibly been dragged to counseling for the past couple of months, but at the moment Firestar was not as concerned about.

What in the name of StarClan was he doing here?

Seeing as his father was still hugging the reddish brown tabby Tigerstupid had come out of the room with (Firestar vaguely recalled him to be called Pinestar, a former ThunderClan leader like himself), Firestar decided to break the silence with an awkward cough.

Which immediately turned into a pained yelp as Scourge elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"Look what you did, moron!" his half-brother hissed viciously. "Now they know we're here!"

Firestar was about to retort that neither of them were exactly unrecognizable and they were clearly there when Pinestar broke away from Jake's embrace, booming, "Ah, Jakey, this must be your kit! He's a spitting image of you!"

Firestar beamed in smugness, grin fading into confusion as Pinestar walked right past him and poked at a confused Scourge who still wasn't used to cats not running in terror from him.

"You're definitely Jake-pal's kitty!" Pinestar declared to Scourge who was bristling from unwanted contact. Pinestar then shot an uneasy look at Firestar and whispered not-so-quietly to Jake. "Who does the tubby ginger one belong to though?"

Scourge burst out laughing while Firestar spluttered in indignation. Jake chuckled.

"Actually, they're both mine. Scourge is from my first relationship, while Firestar here is the kit of my current mate, Nutmeg."

Pinestar sniffed. "Hate to say it, but I saw it coming. I knew that Quince was no good. No offense." He added to Scourge, Quince's son.

The black tom shrugged. "None taken. She's a nightmare."

Pinestar blinked, unsettled at the small cat's casual disregard for his birth mother. "Well," he drew out. "My son, Tigerstar is here too with me- Tigerstar? Where'd he- TIGERSTAR! Get down from the ceiling RIGHT NOW!"

There was a kit-like squeak of terror, and a familiar dark tabby came crashing down onto the floor, taking the bamboo ceiling fan, a chunk of plaster, and a cloud of dust with him.

He popped up sneezing, sending death glares at Firestar and Scourge who were not-so-subtly snickering at his entrance, seemingly challenging anyone to judge him for trying to hide from the conversation Batcat style.

"I've met those two before." he ground out in a clipped tone, the two half-brothers nodding stiffly in grim agreement.

"And you," Tigerstar curled his lip in disgust as he acknowledged Jake. "Must be their kittypet father."

Firestar hissed softly in warning, and Scourge simply rolled his eyes in nonchalance, but Jake blinked happily, oblivious to Tigerstar's sparsely veiled hostility. "Sure am!" the ginger kittypet chirped brightly, grabbing Tigerstar's paw and shaking it earnestly. "I'm your kittypet father's best bud! Heck, he wouldn't even be a kittypet if I hadn't convinced him to join me!"

"WHAT?!" The three children squawked.

"You two are friends?" Firestar managed.

"My father is a disgrace because of you?" Tigerstar looked as if he could hardly keep from shredding the both of them.

"I hope you both die painfully." Scourge spoke simply, a fact not an exaggeration.

However, both fathers seemed to ignore their kits' agitation and nodded gleefully, hugging again.

"You bet!" Jake crowed. "It's been forever since we've done something together though, right P-ster?"

"Oh yes, too long!" Pinestar agreed. "We should hang out more!"

"Then how about you go do something together?" Scourge snorted. "Go galloping off into the sunset together? Preferably as far away from us and therapy as possible."

Tigerstar and Firestar nodded in agreement. "For once I agree with Mr. Rippy McDog Teeth here." Tigerstar spoke. "Go do something and leave us be!"

"Well," Pinestar paused, looking at his friend thoughtfully. "I guess-"

"NO!" A shriek split the air, making everyone else jump. A ginger blur barreled out of the formerly barricaded therapy room and into the group, blue eyes wide and crazed, glasses askew on his face.

"You all just gave me the perfect idea!" Flamestripe panted.

Flamestripe had been listening since he barricaded himself behind the door. Everyone in the universe knew about the hatred between Tigerstar and Firestar as well as the mutual animosity between them and Scourge. He had had his cPhone dialed 911, and a toe hovering over the "call" button as soon as he heard any sounds of death or fighting.

However, the conversation and the idea of a long trip faaaaaaaar away from his office had given him an idea.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, and I believe I have a solution to everyone's problems!" Flamestripe announced.

"And how exactly would you do that?" Scourge queried sarcastically, rolling his eyes in dismissal.

"Three words," Flamestripe declared. "Family Bonding Vacation!"

This idea was met with confused stares from everyone listening. Not hearing a "no", Flamestripe pushed on.

"Come on! You could go on some trip together and have a great time!" he wheedled.

"That's what we've been saying!" Tigerstar protested.

"Yeah, we'd get them out of our fur." added Firestar, for once agreeing with his nemesis.

"I've got it!" Jake exclaimed suddenly, nudging his friend excitedly. "Something I've always wanted to do but never tried before! Pinestar, how would you feel about a camping trip?"

Pinestar pondered this. "Camping? Well, I've never been, but it sounds exciting! I'd say I'm up for a camping trip with my old pal!"

"Great!" Flamestripe purred.

Just one more thing to take care of, and these goons will be out of my fur for good! the therapist thought.

"Just, may I ask what your children will do while we're gone?" Flamestripe inquired sweetly.

"Oh, we'll be fine," Scourge waved his paw dismissively, Firestar and Tigerstar nodding in agreement.

However, their fathers didn't seem to share their confidence. "Flamestripe is right, buddy," Jake frowned to his friend. "We can't just leave our sons alone like this!"

A chorus of "Yes you can!"s immediately followed, but Pinestar ignored it, coming to the solution Flamestripe had been hoping he would.

"Well, then I guess we'll just have to let them come with us! Yeah, an official Father/Son camping trip!"

The three sons in question's jaws dropped.

"WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!"

"I don't like them."

Everyone turned to look at Scourge as he said this. The small black cat shrugged. "I'm not going to lie."

Tigerstar was spluttering. "Bu-b-but..." while Firestar was just standing there gaping like a fish out of water.

"Well then!" Flamestripe chirped happily, moving on before any more protests could be made. "That settles it! I prescribe family bonding in the wilderness! Let nature help you mend and all that! Don't call me unless you have to -and please, don't have to- and have a wonderful time bye!"

He had been herding them all towards the door while saying everything, throwing them out on the word "bye" and slamming the door.

All the five cats could do was stand there and blink in confusion as the pretty tortoiseshell receptionist who appeared to have been hiding out there smiled guiltily at them and scurried through the the door and closing it. A second later the neon CLOSED sign flickered on.

Inside Honeypaw watched her strange boss dancing around in glee, chanting what sounded like "no more!"

Flamestripe was ecstatic. He couldn't believe the luck he had been given that he had the opportunity to permanently deal with his two most frustrating clients in one fell swoop.

Some time in the wild stuck with each other is bound to bring them together! he reasoned. And if not and they end up tearing each other apart, well hey! At least I won't have to counsel them anymore!

Outside, the plans were being finalized.

"Okay. So tomorrow we show up at your house with everything we need right?" Jake asked. Pinestar nodded. "Yup! I'll take care of the camping supplies, you just bring the directions."

"Gotcha." Jake said. He squealed like a kit. "Oh, won't this just be so much fun!"

The two older toms looked at their sons, obviously expecting them to agree.

All Firestar, Tigerstar, and Scourge could do was look at each other once, now trapped spending at least a week with each other, and fall to the ground.

In perfect harmony, in major Starkit's Prophecy style, only one thing could all three say:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"