19.
Blood everywhere.
The heartbreaking screams from all those innocent people, screaming from being slain by radioactive gasses.
The look of disgust, hatred and disbelief on my friends' faces the moment they learned what I had done.
And finally the dead silence that followed once the shame and regret became present and I realized what kind of terrible the monster I had become.
Those are what usually haunt my dreams at night. Only I don't dream anymore. No, I have terrible nightmares every night, and I have had them for the last three years and it never changes. It is always the same nightmares over and over; the events that happened on Mt. Weather and my friends' reaction to it all, even though Jasper's curses and spitting in my face is the most frequent one. However the worst part of my nightmares was when Bellamy would appear and ultimately shatter my heart into tiny little pieces with his words, because he was the only person who has the power to heal me, but he was also the only person who has the power to destroy me.
The walk home was made in silence that could literally break glass due to the weird tension in the air, but strangely enough it didn't seem to be bothering her or Bellamy for that matter. Although they didn't speak, and he looked pretty guarded on whatever was going on in his head, they had the entire time walked amicably close next to one another since they left Raven's place, their hands carefully and accidently brushing against each other for a couple of blocks until she felt her entire left hand being covered by Bellamy's right. Clarke had stared between their hands and him for a second, confused and surprised by his action, honestly expecting him to pull away or hold her hand so tight that she could escape, but she didn't say anything and instead just took the time to enjoy the love and kindness from him until reality kicked back in and she was forced to deal with a broken heart.
When they finally came home Bellamy carefully escorted her upstairs to her bedroom, but they remained standing outside the door. Her back was leaning against the door, while she looked up to see him standing there with this sweet yet broken expression on his face. Oh god, what is he going to say? He told me, we had to talk and those words alone means that I'm not in for a pleasant conversation.
"So…" Clarke said, not really sure how to start the conversation, let alone what exactly she wanted to say to or do with him that didn't involve her kissing the daylights out of him that is. He smiled awkwardly back. "So…here we are."
She gave him a comforting look, which he responded shortly afterwards with a heavy sigh and closing and then reopening his eyes. "Listen, Clarke, I'm tired of being stuck in the past. Whatever happened back in Mt. Weather it doesn't matter. Not anymore. I just want to move on, and you probably want to move on more than anyone else…"
Move on? Does he mean just move on from that particular event that marked my life forever or does he mean something else entirely? Clarke was afraid to know the answer to her questions, but she needed to ask despite her fear and reservations on the entire conversation topic. "I don't understand. What is it that you're trying to say?"
He sighed once more and this time stared right into her eyes with this broken look that she knew she had been responsible for. "Forgiveness is hard for us. I was so angry at you for leaving. I don't want to feel that way anymore."
Whatever she had expected for him to say it clearly didn't come; instead leaving her with an unexpected declaration that almost literally shook her world. His words struck her like lightening, but not in the way she expected it to. He was offering her hope for forgiveness, a second chance to start over without letting the past smoother them whole to the ground. But still I'm scared. What if I start things up with him again I will start putting him and everyone else in danger again? I want to protect him and keep him safe from harm, including myself if that's the price I have to pay, but I also want to be with him and love him like I always have and will always do.
She looked at him lovingly, while gently placing a hand on his cheek, caressing it like it was a piece of gold she was dealing with. "You know, the only forgiveness I ever wanted from anyone was yours, and now that you're willing to give it to me without regret or desperate attempt to get me to stay and I just feel even more lost than I was before. I mean, you're right that forgiveness is hard for us, and it's easy for other's to give the forgiveness you don't believe you deserve, but it's so hard to forgive yourself. Maybe one day one day I'll finally get that someday…"
"You will." Bellamy said confident, and placed his hand over hers and held on tight to prove his confidence in her. "I believe in you."
Clarke smiled at him before her gaze focused on his lips, wanting nothing more to kiss him but was unsure if she should do it or not. He may have found something within himself that made him forgive her, but that didn't necessary mean that he wanted to jump back into a romantic relationship with her again. I mean, come on. The chances that he want to is slim, especially considering how I'm not going to tell him anything about Mt. Weather or telling him about the murder cases. These secrets and lies that I have and are going to continue to keep from him might be the doom that can ruin our relationship foundation all together.
However whatever her thoughts and concerns were before it quickly vanished when Bellamy decided the outcome and leaned down and kissed her. She didn't freeze up, although she had been surprised by the sudden action, but nonetheless it was appreciated and she didn't waste time kissing him back. Her fingers ran around his cheek and face before they moved into the softness of his curls. Meanwhile his hands moved down to her hips, back and then finally to her chest. Things were escalating to the former love and passion from three years ago, and honestly she wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing, but then again they never really had much problem with kissing and sex aspect of their relationship.
When they finally pulled away for a moment to gather some air, Clarke knew that as much as she wanted and loved Bellamy she wasn't ready to jump into bed with him. At least not until she had more control of her life. She told him this, leaving no room for him to even think about arguing with her if that was the case, which as it turns out it wasn't.
"I understand, Clarke." Bellamy answered softly. "I don't want to jump to fast into this again either. So let's take our time, okay?"
She nodded. Does this mean we're back together or simply easing ourselves back into the relationship before we actually put a name on it? She didn't know, but at the moment she didn't care because she had at least the second chance for a happy ending with him and that's all she wanted for now. So she whispered quietly, "Okay. I guess this is good night. Good night, Bellamy."
"Good night Clarke. Sweet dreams."
She gave him small and innocent smile before she opened the door to her bedroom and entered the room. Then slowly closed the door behind her and leaned against the door, staring into nothingness, just letting her thoughts fly. Sweet dreams don't appear to the damned, but maybe tonight I will find a little peace in my sleep.
Bellamy has never been a light sleeper. Not during his childhood and most certainly not in his adulthood, and the reasons for this was mostly because of Octavia and her rebellious nature. It was only later on in his adult life, after his mother died and he was left taking care of his sixteen-year old sister alone, his sleep habits only grew worse due to his occupation. However the worse case of it all was if he added Clarke's involvement with his police work and among other dangerous cases she brought upon herself in the equation. Nevertheless he didn't always think his light sleepiness was a good thing besides the occasional circumstances at work leading to whatever or whoever coming back to pay him at visit at his home, but this time he was for once glad that he wasn't a heavy sleeper like Octavia was.
It was in the middle of night and he was sleeping in the guestroom Clarke had provided for him when he was suddenly woken up by a loud scream that could possibly even wake up the dead. Disoriented, he sat up and immediately retrieved the gun he had placed in the drawer on the nightstand next to the bed. Then he loaded the gun and with quick and light feet, he ran in the direction of where he heard the screaming come from, which happened to be Clarke's room. What's going on? Did someone break in and attempt to dispose of her again?
He stood outside her door, still hearing the heart-breaking scream coming from the other side, and waited a moment before he carefully turned the door handle and opened the door and was ready to face whatever was going on. However he was completely thrown off when he saw that there was no intruder and the screams were coming from Clarke herself, who was tossing and turning in her sleep as well as crying and screaming out of her lungs in fear. He quickly deduced that she was having a terrible nightmare, and from the looks of it she was so into her nightmare that she didn't realize what was going on in the conscious world.
What is she dreaming about that causing her to respond like someone was stabbing her, terrorizing her to very own core? Could it possibly be about Mt. Weather? Bellamy thought as he approached Clarke and the bed, with his gun discarded on the floor next to the door, and carefully tried to calm her down by grabbing her wrists and talking gently and carefully to her, "Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. Calm down. It's okay, it's just me, Bellamy."
By the sound of his voice she calm down some, stopping the ear-breaking scream significantly, but his effort wasn't enough for her to wake up. She was still crying and was whimpering, even with unconscious reassurance that his presence was known.
"I'm…sorry," she muttered quietly, with a tone that was filled with remorse. "Maya…Bellamy…"
What? Bellamy pulled her carefully closer to him, with her head resting on his lap while his right hand ran through her hair to sooth her. I can understand her apologizing to me, for whatever reason she believes that justifies her guilt, but why mention Maya? Clarke didn't have a close relationship with Maya when she died. Sure, they got along okay, but the only common thing that connected them together were their connection to Jasper.
"Clarke, what about Maya?" He knew that interrogating her while she was pretty out of it was wrong, and even more so when he told Clarke earlier that he wanted to move on from the past which would indicate that he have to let go of this particular mystery, but if he was to consider this a clue to what happened on Mt. Weather and why the secrecy Clarke was providing him he had to grab the opportunity while he still got it. Despite the possible strain it may be to his and Clarke's relationship.
"Maya…" Clarke answered back, without giving off any further information. Bellamy tried again to get her to talk about Maya, but she wouldn't budge. Instead she was lying there curling closer to him, it almost seemed like she was seeking what he believed was warmth and safety from her nightmares. In the end just he sighed defeated, realizing that he wasn't getting closer to knowing the mystery behind Mt. Weather or the mystery to what caused the woman that he loves to make such a curveball with everyone's life including her own. He closed his eyes, his body still in comforting and protecting mode, and fell slowly back into the realm of sleep and dreams.
After an early breakfast date with Octavia, Lincoln went straight to the gallery to meet up with Clarke to discuss what paintings were to be on display for the grand opening since the paperwork and the other trivial matters had already been taken care of by him. However when he found Clarke standing there with a huge white board in the middle of the studio, with pictures, clues and timelines written all over it, it was clear that Clarke wasn't in the mood to talk about art or their gallery at the moment.
"So I'm guessing we're not going to be talking about art." Lincoln said, and sat down on the couch to overlook the whiteboard and conveniently to the inner workings of Clarke's mind. She turned around to look at him, "Sorry, but I feel like I have either been focusing too much on the gallery or on the case. More on the case than the gallery I will admit, but nevertheless I need to get this over with before I can fully and completely commit to the gallery."
It's understandable, but probably not the only reason why you are avoiding and stonewalling.
Lincoln knew that Clarke had a lot to deal with, but the heaviness burden on her shoulder was the event that happened three years ago, which she never went into thorough details with him and Octavia had also been vague on the subject seeing as she or anyone her other friends knew about it before it happened. However he figured that until Clarke was ready to talk about everything he was going to be there and help her when she needed him to.
"Okay, so talk me through it," Lincoln folded his arms. "Two victims get killed, no witnesses, no suspects, little to no physical evidence to tie the murders to a killer and from what I gather no official cause of death."
"Wow, you must have been listening well if you remember that much," Clarke said astonished. He smirked and replied back, "That or the fact that you have put up pretty much everything I said on that whiteboard of yours."
She chuckled lightly and shook her head. "Well, there has to be something I have overlooked or something. I mean, the second victim, Niylah, there is something about her that is familiar but I can't place it."
He looked at the photo of said girl, carefully analyzing her and reaching the same conclusion as Clarke had. There was something about this woman that he recognized. Then it hit him. "Oh my God."
He jumped up from the couch and began searching through the finished canvases that was yet to be framed and to be displayed down at the gallery. The painting he was looking for was one that he had made, with Clarke's cooperation and input, He found it almost immediately and showed it to Clarke. "I think I know where we have seen her before. Maybe this is the connection between you and the victim besides the fact that your name is written on her."
Clarke took the painting away from him and stared at the model posing in the painting. "Oh my God, it's Niylah. Niylah had at one point worked as one of our models."
This isn't good. Clarke thought, worried how the case had gone from almost no leads to one major lead that she couldn't explain. This is definitely not good; especially when I have a distinct feeling that wherever this clue may lead to it is not going to be pretty.
He looked up at her concerned and asked, "So what are we going to do now?"
I know what we have to do. "I have to call Bellamy about this," Clarke replied, handing back the painting to him and pulled up her cell phone to call the detective.
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Thank you guys so much for the reviews, favorite and followings, and I'm glad so many of you got interested in my story. So I hope you guys like the this chapter, and the next one will be out next week.
Also I like to add that there are and will be grammar errors in this story, I had forgotten to mention before, and not a perfect writer and I don't have a Beta to fix it for me (which I have no intention on getting anyways), so if people have issues with that then you just have to live with it, okay? I write and release this mainly to entertain you guys as well release some of my creativity.
I used several references and quotes from movies, books and tv shows. So obviously I don't own them, but I will frequently use them since they fit the story somehow.
You all have asked and given me requests about more Bellarke scenes as well as progress in that relationship, Clarke/Lincoln scenes and what really happened at Mt. Weather, and I promise you that it all will happen in due time, so please be patient and hopefully I will manage to deliver your wishes to fulfill your anticipation for this story.
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