Hey! Sorry it's been a really long time since I updated this story, but I have a new one shot which may or may not be funny. It's certainly meant to be funny, so I hope it is, that way I won't look stupid. Enjoy :D
Life is made up of awkward moments. A lot of them. This was one of them, as many moments when Ralph and Jack were alone often were. After all, Ralph was afraid of pissing off Jack when there weren't any other guys around because gingers have no souls, so who's to stop him if he tried to psycho kill him? And Jack wasn't quite sure how to have a casual conversation with someone he was fairly sure had a thing for dudes. So they sat awkwardly on the hill, as they often did, staring at the fire and praying that dinner would end soon and Samneric would come to end this torture. Ralph sneezed. Jack coughed. Ralph sniffled. Then silence.
"So, uh, watcha dooooooin?" Jack asked, trying to fill in the quiet. Ralph looked at him and blinked.
"I'm enjoying a nice martini inside an igloo with a polar bear, what's it look like?" Ralph eventually replied sarcastically. Jack looked away and the silence continued. Then Jack thought of a brilliant question to ask. Why hadn't he thought of it before? After all, he'd wanted to know for some time, because Jack was terribly nosy.
"So, in your gay relationship with Piggy, who's the chick?" Ralph looked up sharply.
"Exsqueeze me?"
"Who's the chick in your gay relationship with Piggy?" Jack repeated simply. Ralph's eyes widened a little more. He gulped.
"Pardon?"
"You heard me that time," Jack said.
"I was hoping I heard you wrong." Ralph replied.
"You didn't."
"Does that mean what I think it means?"
"It seems fairly self explanatory," Jack answered. Ralph shook his head, laughing uncomfortably.
"Jack, I'm not gay." Ralph told him. He laughed even more at how incredibly ridiculous the thought was. Jack laughed, but for a different reason.
"Of course you are!" He exclaimed. Ralph's laughter was cut short.
"What do you mean? I'm obviously not gay." He said in confusion.
"No, you obviously are. I mean, you spend so much time alone with Piggy, you're always worrying about him, you obviously got the hots for him." Jack explained like it was the most simple thing in the world.
"I got the hots for your mom." Ralph quipped, trying his best to cleverly change the subject.
"First of all, that's not funny. Second, stop trying to cleverly change the subject." Damn, he's onto me! "Yes, yes I am." Damn, I said that out loud. "Yes, yes you did." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
"Jack, I'm not gay with Piggy, got it?" Jack cocked his head to the side a little in confusion.
"You're not?"
"Nope.''
"Are you sure?"
"Yep.''
"Oh." Jack considered this for a moment, then came to a conclusion. "So, you're gay for Simon then?" Ralph let out an exhasperated sigh. "Who's the chick in that relationship then?" Ralph rolled his eyes.
"No one. No one is the chick."
"But who wears the pants in the relationship if there's not a guy role and a chick role?" Jack asked, truly intrigued by the workings of the nonexistent gay relationship.
"No one wears the pants and no one is the chick because I'm not in a gay relationship with Simon or with anyone!" Ralph cried out angrily.
"So you're single?" Ralph groaned frustratedly. "Great. I'll make sure to tell Robert, he's been checking you out for weeks I think. I don't know. That, or he's paying attention when you talk. But hey, worth a shot right?" Jack elbowed him lighlty, smiling encouragingly.
"Jack I"m not gay."
"Are you saying that just so I don't set you up with Robert? Cuz I swear, he's not quite as annoying and stupid as he looks. He's only half it." Ralph rolled his eyes again.
"No Jack, I'm really not gay," he assured the befuddle hunter.
"Oh." Jack said simply, thinking about this. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yes."
"Like, really sure?"
"Extremely." Jack rested his head in his hands with a thoughtful look on his pale freckled face.
"Hmmm...I see then. Things are much worse than I realized." He said, shaking his head.
"What's worse? What are you talking about?" Ralph asked, his worries arising once again.
"You're deeper in than I ever could have imagined." Jack said to himself, acting as though Ralph had said absolutely nothing.
"Jack, you're scaring me. Deeper into what?" Ralph asked again, pleading this time.
"Deeper in the closet," Jack told him, acting as if it should be obvious.
"Oh dear lord," Ralph groaned, putting his head in his hands and shaking it in disbelief. He pulled his head back up and did his best to keep his anger controlled. "Jack, I'm straight!"
"No you're not Ralph."
"Yes, I am!"
"That's the denial talking! It's okay, you don't need to pretend anymore Ralph. I know." Jack assured him.
"But I'm not-" Jack put a finger over Ralph's mouth to shush him.
"Shush. There there Ralph. It's okay." He suddenly enveloped Ralph in a bear hug. "It's okay man! I will help you! I will help you out of the closet!"
"But I'm not gay!" Ralph insisted.
"You don't need to deny it anymore! It's okay!" Ralph pushed Jack away, smiling because he knew he had proof now.
"If I'm gay, then why did I screw your sister after homecoming the month before we got landed here?" Ralph asked, smirking triumphantly. Jack's face became deadly serious and his eye twitched slightly.
"You did what?" Ralph gulped. Oops.
I hope that beginning didn't get you all excited for a slash fest, because then your hopes must have been horribly dashed. I guess there was probably a better way to start this, considering some of you are die hard slash fans, but I hope you guys don't mind too terribly. Did you like it? What do you think happened next? Oh, and I probably should've mentioned this, they're like sixteen or seventeen in this and they're still on the island. Anyway, hope ya liked, and please review and check out the poll on my profile! Peace!