Prepare yourselves my friends, for the weirdest crack fic you will ever read. I promise you, I'm not on drugs. This is just how my strange imagination naturally operates. Enjoy!

A strange, faceless being who shall from here on out be known as The Author scrolled over pages and pages of reviews, and was pleased until she read one short sentence. It was a request for slash, something that was already far too common on what shall from here on out be called The Website. She gasped and through an ink smudged hand over her heart.

"I had hoped it wouldn't come to this," she said sadly, using the other hand to press a large, inconspicious red button on her desk. A hole opened up in the floor, and opening to a totally wicked slide, and her chair leaned back and dumped her in it. After about a minute of awesome twists and turns, she got dumped out the end of the slide onto the concrete floor of The Secret Bunker of Doom. The Author cursed violently and crawled over to her other desk, where there was a very important microphone, into which she said, "All biguns, all biguns, to The Secret Bunker now. We have a code 9." The speaker next to the microphone buzzed with static as a response came.

"Oooh, I love that show!" one boy exclaimed.

"Shut up Maurice," another boy, Jack, muttered.

"Okay!" Maurice replied cheerfully. The Author rolled her eyes and waited a few seconds. Then, several large holes opened in the ceiling and biguns fell from each one. "Hello Author!" Maurice said cheerfully, scrambling to his feet and waving excitedly.

"Shut UP Maurice," Jack repeated, sounding aggravated.

"Why don't you shut up Jack?" Ralph said, glaring in the ginger's direction. He couldn't be sure he was glaring directly at Jack, or that anyone could tell he was glaring, because The Author didn't like him and kept him blindfolded whenever he was there. The blindfold was pink and had unicorns on it. Maurice picked it out.

"Why don't you?" Jack retorted stupidly, snickering as he looked over and caught sight of the blindfold. Roger stood next to him awkwardly managing to be completely unawkward and being creepily silent. The Author felt the urge to hug him, but didn't, because as Roger reminded everyone with his ringtone, You Can't Touch This.

"Quiet, all of you!" The Author yelled irritatedly over the argument. Both boys shut up, because they didn't want colorful duct tape added to their situations. Unicorns and duct tape would be horrible, red hair and duct tape would be catastrophic. The colors would clash terrible, it just couldn't be done. "Like I said in the call, we have a code 9 over here at Control." The boys all gasped dramatically.

"You don't-"

"-mean-" Samneric began. The Author nodded solemnly.

"You are once again being accused of being gay."

"But I AM ga-" Maurice began. The Author cut him off by holding a finger to his lips.

"Shhh." The boys were silent, until one piped up the question that was on all their minds.

"What do we do Author?" Simon asked. The Author smiled wickedly.

"We write them... a trailer." The boys gasped once again and Maurice began to fan himself worriedly in a very gay manner. Except he wasn't gay. The Author said so. Jack fell to his knees like a dramatic superhero.

"Not a trailer!" he exclaimed, clutching his heart.

"Yes. A trailer," The Author said, nodding with an expression of the utmost seriousness. The boys were all affected by the sight of this seriousness and took in the full gravity of the situation. Except Ralph. He was blindfolded, and therefore, did not see the utmost seriousness. And then, Piggy was just too innocent to plot the way The Author did.

"You can't be serious, can you? Why write a trailer when you could write a one-shot, or an author's note or something?" The Author put facepalmed and Roger threw a rock at Piggy. Piggy fell on Ralph. There was much rejoicing.

"Now, if you two are done being butt-trumpets, we've got a trailer to write." The boys all gathered around The Author's desk to watch her type.

In a world where naughty little gay boys from England were sent to an island to die alone, thirty of these such boys are forced to fend for themselves.

"OOOH!" Maurice exclaimed. "I like that! Can I be in it!"

"Shut UP Maurice!" Jack and The Author both yelled.

But what the English didn't count on, was that this island was and island of luuurv.

Ralph, who has secretly removed his blindfold to read with the rest of the boys, snickered. The Author smacks him upside the head and continued.

It's an island, where a stereotypically stupid blonde boy and a fat kid with glasses will skinny dip together, but don't worry, because the slash fans tell me that isn't gay at all.

Jack and Roger laughed and Ralph and Piggy both turned as red as Jack's hair.

It's an island, where Ralph's only move is to count shoulders.

"Hey Jack! Let's count shoulders!"

"Hey Ralph! Let's not!"

"BOOM! Rejected! You just got rejected!" Jack sang, laughing.

"Roger, smack him for me," The Author said. Roger did so happily and Jack pouted.

An island, where the original plan was to kill Ralph, but you know what? He's hot so let's not do that. An island where this change of plans makes Roger very sad.

Roger: :'-C

"Why do I have to be the cry baby?!" Roger cried indignantly. Jack smacked him. "Author, Jack smacked me!"

"Jack, no smacking without the permission of the all-powerful Author," The Author scolded.

"Okay. Permission to smack Roger?" Jack asked. The Author considered it for a moment.

"Granted." Jack happily smacked Roger a second time. Roger pouted.

An island, where two boys will realize that they're not actually gay, and things will get very awkward.

"Who is it, who is it?!" Maurice cried excitedly. The Author shrugged.

"I don't know. We'll figure it out at some point." The boys nodded and The Author continued.

From The Author that brought you NOT Gay and Maurice Kills the Mood comes a new unromantic comedy, "In the Land of Flaming Homosexuals." Do not read if you can't handle a little good-natured teasing. Warning: this story is bad for your health.

The boys read the trailer over a second time and then applauded The Author's masterpiece. She stood and bowed, then sat back down again, saying, "It's perfect. Now all we need to do is add a summary and all that jazz and we should be set." The boys nodded; that made about as much sense to them as anything involving FanFiction ever had.

However, not all was well, because somewhere in the magical rainbow galaxy, in a space ship that looked strangely similar to a unicorn, Commander Slap H. Appy of the Slash Fan Strike Force felt a disturbance in the universe. This disturbance could only mean one thing; his rival, an anonymous figure known only as The Author, was at work again. He swooned slightly and fell back against the wall with a dramatic hand over his forehead. Then, recovering from his shock, he spoke into his pink communicator bracelet.

"All units to your battle stations, we have a code nine," he said in the calmest voice he could manage. As he finished speaking, dozens of his stylishly clad soldiers emerged from their closets in full battle dress.

"Ooh, I love that show!" One cadet cried, jumping up and down and clapping excitedly. Commander Slap H. Appy rolled his eyes in a sassy manner.

"Me too!" Maurice exclaimed, appearing at the cadet's side. Then they both cheered and started clapping again.

"How did he get in here?!" The lieutenant asked in frustration.

"I invited him! We're gonna have a Disney Princess movie night!" The cadet replied happily. Appy rolled his eyes.

"All right then. Soldiers..." he looked at Maurice, who waved ecstatically, "...and Maurice, to the battleships!" The fashionably dressed soldiers all climbed into their hybrid spaceships and took off into space at hyperspeed.

30 seconds later.

"Holy shit!" Jack exclaimed, pointing out the window at the hords of screaming slash fans gathered around The Author's Secret Bunker of Doom. "Slash fans everywhere, it's hideous!"

"My eyes! They burn!" Roger cried out.

"Haha! I've got a blindfold, I can't see them!" Ralph sang tauntingly. The Author rolled her eyes and ripped off Ralph's blindfold. Ralph took one look at space soldiers and screamed girlishly. "It burns!" Meanwhile, Piggy was screaming something about the beast while pointing to one particularly large soldier and Samneric were in the fetal position sucking each other's thumbs.

"The beast is only us Piggy," Simon tried to reassure him. Instead of calming down, Piggy bitch-slapped him.

"Bitch, I'm fat, but I ain't that fat!" He exclaimed angrily. The Author stared at them all in shock, then looked pointedly at Piggy.

"Maybe Maurice isn't the only gay one..." she said, sounding slightly dumbstruck. Then, as if hearing his name, Maurice got shoved forward and his face got smushed against the window. He waved.

"Hello!" he yelled through the glass. Ralph screamed louder and Roger punched him in the nose. Then Ralph went and pouted in the corner. Suddenly, Jack had an epiphany.

"Roger, the slash fans love you! You must sacrafice yourself to save us!" he cried, shaking his friend's shoulders.

"I don't want to go in the mob Jack!" Roger whimpered fearfully.

"I'm afraid we have no other choice." That was when Roger started flipping out.

"No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no! I don't want to, I don't want to, you can't make me, 'cause I don't want to!" he chanted while punching or kicking anyone coming too close.

"Roger!" Jack yelled over him. "It's that or make out with Eric to distract them!'' Both Roger and Eric froze in terror. Then Roger bowed curtly.

"If you'll excuse me, I have an angry mob to feed myself to." He started out the door, but The Author caught him by the collar and pulled him back.

"Roger, sacraficing yourself will do nothing but painfully diminish the number of hot guys in this room to one. There's only one way we can escape them. We have to make sure their mission fails." The boys all gasped.

"You don't mean-" Robert began. The Author nodded.

"We have to post the trailer," she said solemnly.

"But that could be suicide!" Jack exclaimed.

"It's the only way." The room was deathly silent as The Author turned to her computer and pressed Publish. Commander Slap H. Appy felt an even stronger disturbance than before, as did his soldiers, and they all knew they had failed.

"You monster!'' The beastly soldier cried. The Author went to the window and gave them all the finger on both hands.

"Yup, I'm a downright criminal! But the trailer's on FanFiction for the whole world to see, and if you don't like it, you can suck Ralph's dick!" She yelled through the window. The soldiers all started grumbling discontentedly as they left the windows and returned to their hybrid battleships. The Author smiled triumphantly at the boys. "We win!" The boys all cheered. Outside, Maurice knocked on the window.

"Can I come back in now?" he asked. They all ignored him.

"Hey, Author, why my dick?" Ralph asked.

"Easy, because I imagine it's small and unappealing," she said simply. The boys all laughed.

"You just got pwned!" Jack laughed. The Author raised an eyebrow and Ralph snorted.

"Pwned? Nobody says pwned anymore!" he exclaimed. Jack growled.

"I do!" Then he punched Ralph squarely in the face and he fell to the ground, writhing in pain. "PWNED!" The boys all looked at him strangely, then shrugged and went on with their business.

30 minutes later

There was yet another mob surrounding the bunker, and this one was ten times as terrifying as the last. They screamed and chanted with perfect grammar and pronunciation that made the boys and The Author shake from the intimidation.

"What did we do this time?!" Jack yelled in irritation.

"The third sentence in the second paragraph from the end has incorrect verb usage!" One of the mobbers screamed shrilly. The Author's eyes widened and she made the sign of the cross.

"We've brought down the wrath of the Grammar Nazis upon ourselves," she whispered. "Lord help us."

That was probably the strangest thing I've ever written in my entire life. I hope that you either like random humor, or that it was so strange that you were either repulsed or thought it was funny and chose the second. If you don't, well then, I apologize. This was sort of a trailer of sorts for a short ficlet I might be doing called "In the Land of Flaming Homosexuals," which is pretty much and entire story devoted to making fun of slash. I hope none of you take that personally, it's just something I thought might get some laughs. Please review!