Daring to Dream
Chapter Seven
Choices
-dedicated to Sally Grant
Warning: If you do not like violence, then I must warn you that there is semi-explicit reference to an animal sacrifice within this chapter, so if you would not rather read it, please skip over it.
Karna tossed restlessly on her mattress, unable to sleep. Thoughts of Master Lavarin chased her mind, making her shudder. Try though she might, she could not get comfortable as the remembrance of his sly, lustful looks filled her with revulsion.
In a final attempt to shake off her trepidation, Karna allowed herself to think of that which she had purposefully ignored for days - her dreams and hopes.
In a moment of rare bliss, she dreamed of an existence where her wildest imaginings could be real. Where she would be able to choose whom she would marry, where none had to suffer and all had enough to eat.
It was a life where her homeland would be green and lush, with water flowing through dewy forest glades. It was a life where the god that they worshipped would act for the good of those that he had created. As a people they would not praise the powerful, but the compassionate, the truthful, the just, the caring.
While Karna allowed her imagination to run wild, a single word entered her mind.
Narnia.
In her mind's eye, she pictured the land that Peridan had described. In place of Tashbaan's dusty, cobbled streets with Calormen's warm, arid climate, she imagined high green hills, deep, lush valleys and rivers running everywhere. She thought of the small, carefully tended gardens of the Tarkhaans and Tarkheenas homes, imagining them as unordered and wild, growing freely across a vast landscape.
She envisaged a society where people went about their daily lives with joy, not attempting to be mysterious and distant, but real and honest. They would throw back their heads to laugh in joy and not be afraid to openly showing affection to one another.
She dreamt of a land where the heavenly being that they worshipped did not seek to destroy the life that he had created, but protect it. Maybe even love it, because it was his creation.
Karna attempted to picture the lion in her thoughts. She could recall the sweetness of his breath, the tenderness of his lick, the calm of his voice. But at the same time she remembered his claws, saw the power of the animal, and instead of fearing them, felt reassured.
In her head, Karna saw the lion's face and heard the words that he had almost seemed to speak repeated,
"Courage, dear one."
She was back in the garden, and the lion was there. He regarded her with those wise, depthless eyes. Yet that face also held strength, power and most amazingly of all - love.
He approached slowly and softly breathing upon her. The same sweet, wonderful breath lightened her heart in a way she couldn't describe.
He gently touched his nose to hers, and spoke. "Peace, my daughter. Your sufferings are not in vain."
Amazed, Karna realised that she truly was speaking to the lion. This was not a dream at all.
Without knowing how she dared, she spoke, "Please, sir, are you the one who is worshipped in Narnia?"
"I am. I am Aslan."
Karna gasped. "The great lion that Peridan spoke of?"
In response, the beast nodded his great shaggy head, "But do not fear me, Karna, daughter of Harradin. Though I am a lion and would not hesitate to do attack my enemies, I am also the protector of my children. Does a lioness not protect her cubs against any predator?"
"I have seen your suffering, and know that you fear. Take heart my daughter, you will find the joy that you seek. But also know that the path to joy will be wracked with great sorrow. You will need to trust in your courage, but also in me."
"What do you speak of, sir? What great sorrow?"
"I cannot say, child. You must learn to trust. Know that not every situation is as it would first appear to be. Most importantly know that you are never alone, dear one."
With these words, he bent his head and gently touching her brow with his tongue before turning to leave.
Realising that he was going, Karna called out, "Must you go?"
He turned for a moment, and seemed to smile at her, "It will not be long before we meet again, my daughter. Fear not, but trust in those who love you."
The days passed with a greater rapidity than Karna could stand. Before she knew it, she was being fitted for the wedding gown and her mother was sewing a necklace of copper and silver coins to represent her dowry. Tarlana was sent scurrying to the market for different foods each day, in readiness for the great meal to be prepared upon the day of the wedding.
In a rare moment of peace, amidst the tumult of preparation, Karna stole away from the house on the pretext of drawing water. She walked slowly from the house, taking as much time as she dared.
Tarlana and she had met every night to discuss how her new role. Between them, they had been able to create the submissive, dutiful wife that Lavarin would eventually marry. It the part that she would be acting for the rest of her life.
But despite the position that she knew it was her duty to fulfil, Karna could not remove the lion's words from her mind. "Your sufferings are not in vain … you will find the joy you seek." What had he meant by it?
Karna was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she did not think of where she was walking. When she did finally stop, she found to her astonishment that she had been moving in the direction of Master Tirshan's house. Instantly afraid that she might meet Lavarin by chance, Karna hurried back the way that she had come. The street was so busy that she was forced to delay, hurriedly pushing her way through.
Suddenly, a voice cut through the din of shouts and braying of mules, making her heart leap.
"Way, way for the barbarian lords of the north!"
Karna was not given time for extra thought as she was pushed firstly from one way and then from another as people struggled to get out of the procession's way. In the end, she found herself standing in the front row of the crowd as the group of foreigners passed.
She could not help smiling as she saw the merry, pale faces. All of them lacking the beards and turbans of the Calormens and looking, in her opinion, much nicer for it.
She was about to move on, when she saw Peridan. He was laughing as he walked, talking amiably with another man and oblivious to his surroundings. Karna watched him go by, wishing with all her heart that she could have just another moment's conversation with him, but knowing that it was impossible.
But in a way, she was glad that she would not. It would almost have seemed like a moment of delusion, before she accepted her fate. No it was easier to treasure the conversation that they had had and not wish for more.
The Narnian party had, by this time, all but passed by. She walked across the street to find a way through the crowd when she saw something glinting on the ground. It was a dagger.
Finely carved and clearly valuable she picked it up, staring in awe at the workmanship that had gone into it. The blade was silver, with pearl worked into the handle. She glanced up at the retreating party, knowing that it must have been dropped by one of their number.
Karna stood there for a moment, indecisive. She was torn between wishing to see Peridan and feeling afraid to approach. In the end the decision was made for her and before she knew it, she was face-to-face with a Narnian lord. He was barely taller than she but much broader with a thin, noble face and thoughtful eyes that were somewhere between grey and green.
"I am sorry," she stuttered, nodding her head and making to leave, forgetting that she held the dagger in her hand.
"Wait," he said, in a voice that expected to be obeyed. Karna halted, not daring to lift her eyes. The horror of what she had been about to do dawned on her.
"I believe that you have something that belongs to me," he said, waiting expectantly.
With a shaking hand, Karna was about to place the dagger in his when a familiar voice called, "Marken, have you found your dagger?"
Before Karna could react, Peridan stood before her - tall and suddenly frightening. He stared for a moment at his companion, before turning to look at the girl who stood opposite.
Recognition crossed his face. "Karna!"
"You know this girl?" Marken was surprised. "How did you come to be acquainted?"
"This is the girl I sat with on the evening of our welcome feast," Peridan explaimed. He turned to Karna with a smile. Reassured, she felt her fear leave her.
"But how do you come to be here? Why are you not at work?"
Hurriedly bowing her head, Karna lowered her eyes. "I am soon to quit my employment of Master Tirshan, my lord."
"Really? Why would that be?"
"I am to married, my lord. I will therefore not need the employment."
Both men gasped. "Married? But Karna, you cannot be above seventeen."
"I am eighteen year old, my lord."
"But you are so young, too young for marriage surely."
Karna raised her head in surprise, "Indeed I am not, my lord. I am old to be getting married. My younger sister was recently wed and she was fifteen."
Both men looked at Karna in horror, "How old are they normally married in this land?" Marken asked his friend.
Peridan shrugged, his voice suddenly sad as he addressed Karna, "Could you tell us?"
Still surprised, Karna replied without thought of decorum. "The majority of girls are married at the age of fifteen or sixteen, my lords."
A thought suddenly struck Peridan, "Do you wish to marry this man, Karna?"
In embarrassment, she lowered her eyes, wishing that she had not spoken so openly,"Of course my lord, my father has chosen him for me and I am content."
Not convinced, the Narnian lord raised her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. He remembered their conversation from the feast quite clearly and he found the real answer clearly in her face.
"Why is your father forcing you to marry?"
Karna bowed her head, trying to stop her voice from shaking, "It is his will, my, lord. I cannot act otherwise; it would bring dishonour to my family and pain my mother. I would not do that."
Not wishing to force her, Peridan merely nodded.
Confused by this strange conversation, Marken watched first his friend, and then this girl, wondering at what lay between them.
She did not seem to be different from any other Calormen woman that he had seen. She wore a simple, slightly stained dress which showed her humble upbringing. Though quite pretty, even by Narnian standards, he could see nothing very unusual about her. Only her height surprised him. She could not be much shorter than he himself, and the majority of the common people that he had seen within Tashbaan were always of a shorter, stockier build. But this girl was tall and surprisingly slender.
What was also strange was the intensity with which Peridan beheld her. For one who was normally so straight-laced and practical, he was regarding this girl with an expression that was a weird mixture of compassion, sadness, and oddly, determination.
Usually Peridan was quick to laugh, but practical enough to not be troubled by much. However he was also fiercely loyal, and was now giving it to a Calormene servant girl that he had met but once.
Anxious to have some questions answered, Marken remembered the original reason for his returning. He saw that his dagger was still held firmly in the girl's hand - so tightly that her knuckles were white.
"I am sorry for your plight," he said with real regret, "but I am afraid that we must be going, or we shall be late for our luncheon with the grand Vizier. May I have my dagger?"
Karna blushed at the realisation that she was still holding it, and hurriedly handed it over. She avoided Peridan's eyes as she did so. Although he tried to read her face he did not grasp her chin again, regretting that he had the first time.
"I am sorry for the mistake, my lord," she replied, bowing low to Marken and hurrying off into the crowd; her mind a jumble of confusion, fear and exhilaration.
Normally known for his restraint, Marken struggled greatly as he and Peridan headed towards the large, luxurious home of the Grand Vizier. He managed to bite back a number of questions that were on the tip of his tongue. But he was intrigued and could not blame himself for wanting to ask Peridan about the nature of his interest in the servant girl.
He was freely willing to admit that the traditions of Calormen differed greatly to that of Narnia and at times seemed bordering on barbaric to him. But why did this particular girl inspire such loyalty from his friend?
In their long friendship, he had never known Peridan to attach himself so firmly and swiftly to another, excepting the kings and queens, to whom he was as close as a brother. This behaviour was decidedly odd for Peridan, and that truth alone fired his curiosity to an almost unbearable level.
However, all thought of the girl was swept from his mind, as they entered the Grand Vizier's home and were instantly surrounded by people. Slender, pretty slave girls in beautiful clothes danced to one side, fierce, heavily armed guards stood at every wall and at the centre adorned in a jewelled turban and heavily embroidered robes stood Ahoshta Tarkhaan, the Grand Vizier himself.
He bowed to them, a gesture which they returned with less of a flourish, but a great deal more grace. Before he then proceeded to welcome them in the name of Tash, the hideous spectre that they worshipped, and ushered them regally into the grand dining hall of his home.
It was a large, elaborately furnished room hung with bright silks. Yet, despite the beauty of the day; the windows were shut fast and the air heavy with incense. He motioned his guests into their seats, and then, with a dramatic wave of his arms, ushered a group of slaves into the hall, bearing a covered object between them.
"Barbarian lords of the north," the Grand Vizier exclaimed, "honoured guests of the Tisroc (may he live forever), I present to you a spectacle never before seen by any of your land. A sight that will glorify the great god Tash, the inexorable, the irresistible, a sacrifice to his everlasting power!"
In an instant the cloth was thrown back and before them sat a girl - pale, slender and breathtakingly beautiful, she was enticingly clad with her naval and a good percentage of her legs exposed. She carried a snow-white kid. It was a charming little creature, delicate and small with large black eyes and spindly legs.
Peridan and Marken had only regarded the sight for a moment, before they saw the golden tray and silver dagger being brought forth and realised the intention of the Tarkhaan. In the next moment, the girl held down the kid while the Tarkhaan approached. He raised the knife high and they looked away, disgusted and horrified by the obvious delight with which the Tarkhaan killed the baby goat.
After the last pitiful bleat had died away they looked back. The Tarkhaan was holding the dead animal high, allowing its blood to stain the white fur. The blood trickled down in a thin, glistening thread, dropping on to the tray in thick, slow droplets. In the moments that followed, the Grand Vizier raised a loud, bellowing prayer to their god, offering their bloody sacrifice, proclaiming the greatness and dreadfulness of Tash.
It finally ended. Peridan felt unnerved and rather sickened by the spectacle. As he prayed silently to Aslan for strength, he had forced himself to endure the circumstances without flinching, and now felt weakened by the effort it had cost him.
Within Narnia, even the dumb animals were respected, and though killed for food, no man would have ever taken pleasure from the action. The fervour with which the Tarkhaan had killed the kid had appalled him, and now, try though he might, he could not lift the dread that consumed him. He had no greater wish than to be as far from this place as he could, but was completely powerless to do so.
On top of having to endure that appalling spectacle, he was also expected to sit amongst the Calormenes and act as though nothing had disgusted him, to seem as though he saw innocent newborn animals being slaughtered every day. As well as this, he had to tolerate the oily courtesy of the grand Vizier, to remark as mildly as he could upon the horrific display that he and his men had been forced to suffer. However, praise be to Aslan, he was not directly asked his opinion of the sacrifice.
When the vile meal had finally ended and after many polite good byes, he and his men gratefully left. As they did it was agreed that they would never, of their free will, return to that place.
Tarlana's morning had been a flurry of activity and between them, her mother, herself and Karna had cleaned their small dwelling from top to bottom in preparation for the arrival of her sister's betrothed. It was only when they had settled themselves for a quiet midday meal that Karna once more fell back into the reverie that had occupied her mind for the past few days.
There were now just two days before the wedding and try though she might, Tarlana could not gain a single smile from her sister. Instead, Karna had become completely inward looking, often not speaking unless spoken to directly.
It was a state that had not been missed by Hezal. Even she could not gain a smile, and was becoming deeply concerned at her daughter's deteriorating state.
Quietly, she took Tarlana by the arm and led her into the other room for some privacy.
Once there, she spoke, "My daughter, do you know what has happened to your sister? Over these past few days it seems that she has lost all recollection of who she was. She does not laugh or smile nor even talk as times. What is it that ails her? Can this truly only come from her reaction to her betrothal?"
Tarlana saw the fear in her mother's eyes. Tears stung her own as she responded,
"Oh my mother! She said that she couldn't be herself and submit to this marriage. She has decided that she would rather act the role of a submissive wife for the rest of her life than cause you pain."
In that moment, Hezal's face paled so drastically that Tarlana thought she would faint. Suddenly motionless, she brought her hand to her mouth, closing her eyes as though in pain. She clutched for the table, sitting heavily on the chair.
"Mother, are you well?" Tarlana asked in alarm, hurrying to fetch some water.
In response, her mother simply sat with her head in her hands, unable to control the sobs that burst from her normally placid self.
Over and over, she said the same simple phrase. "What have I done? Oh what have I done?"
Surprised by the sudden noise from the kitchen, Karna came through the doorway. She was immediately as alarmed as Tarlana by the sight of Hezal. Hurrying over, she put a comforting hand upon her mother's shoulder.
"Mother, what ails you? Are you unwell?"
Looking up with eyes that were half-blinded by tears, Hezal beheld her. Her pain and sorrow were etched into every feature and line of that gentle face.
"Oh Karna my daughter, what have I done to you?"
Horrified by the guilt she saw, Karna took the cup of water from Tarlana and gently eased it into her mother's shaking hands.
"Peace Mother you must drink something. Please, you are not well."
Her mother shook her head, "No my daughter, I am well. It is you who are not."
Karna stared at her mother in surprise, "Mother, what do you mean? I am quite well."
"No, my daughter, you are not. You are abandoning who you are to reconcile yourself to a marriage, as I told you to."
Karna suddenly understood and took her mother's face in her hands. Gently, she kissed Hezal's forehead. "Mother, it could not have been any other way."
Shaking her head, her mother sighed and took her daughter's hands in her own.
"I would not see you become a shadow of yourself, Karna. You have too much joy in life to live it as a ghost. Your gift is such a rare one and it breaks my heart to see you let it go. I was wrong."
Karna felt tears coming to her eyes as they sat, hands clasped, miserable in the acknowledgement of what their existence was and both knowing that there was no escape from it. The next moment in a rare moment of release, they shared a desperate embrace; both allowing the tears to fall as they took comfort from one another. They let themselves openly mourn for the life that could never be, for the unreachable dreams that characterised youth.
How Karna wished that she had the stoic patience of Tarlana, able to accept her lot in life. But she had never had it. She knew that even in her loveless marriage, she would always hope for better. It was this strength that would carry her forward, though she didn't know where it would lead her.
After a time, both women regained their composure.
"This is the way it has to be, Mother," Karna stated, "I have to marry Lavarin, or Tarneesh will banish me from beneath this roof, you know this is true."
Though she felt fresh tears threatening, Hezal nodded at the truth of her daughter's words.
"I will be provided for, and I can ask no more than that."
With this settling of her emotions, Karna felt ready and composed as she prepared to face her fate with courage.
So though it greatly saddened her, she took her memories of Peridan and Narnia, her dream of the lion, Aslan and with the best of her ability, banished them from her mind.
Author's note:
In a word – evil – I know!
I apologise if this chapter is a little confusing with Aslan giving hope and then that ending, but it goes in conjunction with the next chapter. So all will be revealed!
I am sorry if the animal sacrifice was a little graphic, but I am trying to be realistic in my portrayal of Calormene society. Lewis portrayed the Calormene's as very luxurious and over the top in their gestures so I am trying to follow this model, though this chapter did show a darker side of it. However, I am going to show another side of Calormene society in the next chapter!
The concept of marrying for love would also have been a very unusual one in their society. Before the 1600s in Britain, marriage was purely a monetary thing where alliances were made between families of a similar social standing. I used this for the basis of my portrayal of Karlis and Ahoz's marriage – with social convention being carefully followed.
I want to thank each and every person who is reading this story and following it. Particularly I want to thank Anyabar1987 and Meldahlie for once again reviewing – they mean so much!
Also thank you Allisonreader, Narniac4aslan and Rosazul66 for reviewing for the first time. I am so delighted that you are enjoying this journey with my through Calormen and Lewis's wonderful world!
I am sorry that it has been three weeks since my last update. But parents' evenings and trip meetings have had me working several 13 hour days (joys of education as a profession!). I hope things will calm down slightly more now and I might manage a two week update for chapter 9!
Many, many thanks to all of your kind reviewers and readers. Please let me know what you think, constructive criticism is very welcome!
Breeze.