I don't feel like talking much, but I am going to say I'm sorry to all you fans of Teenagers/Going Under that the update is taking so long. Hope this makes up for it!

The court room was buzzing with activity as it prepared for the beginning of the long awaited trial. Today, after six months of appealing and reappealing, missed court dates and so on, the island boys were being tried for the deaths of Daniel Golding and Simon Monroe (who were currently disguised as jurors so as to make sure that the boys didn't ACTUALLY get convicted). The Author and friends sat at the front of the courtroom. 'And friends' refers not to the boys who she was in charge of protecting from slash fans, grammar Nazis, and juvenile detentional facilities, but her actual friends, who were also amongst the court officials trying to put and end to this problem. These friends, who like The Author, were nameless and faceless, are to be referred to as The Lawyer, The Judge, The Random Witness, and The OWAN (The One Without A Nickname). The Author was currently in cognito as the Clark to her Superman, the Scabbers to her Wormtail, the Alfred F. Jones to her-

"I think that's enough," The Author said pointedly to the writer of her tale (fourth wall man. It means nothing to her).

Right, right. Anyways, The Author was disguised as her counterpart of sorts, The Court Typist.

The Court Typist/Author constantly stole glances at her boys, who all stood wringing their hands and pretty much flipping shit (mostly just because there were slash fans winking at them suggestively from the back of the court room). This, of course, was excluding Ralph, who was trying to figure out why the hell he had to wear the pink unicorn blindfold at his trial.

After a highly exhaggerated wait, The Judge took her position at the head of the room, called the court room to order, and then called her first witness: Ralph. He had to be led to the stand.

"I like your blindfold," the person who led him there whispered creepily before slithering away, never to be seen again. Ralph pretended not to hear.

The proceedings were going well, if The Court Typist/Author did say so herself. By the time The Judge called recess, The Lawyer and The Random Witness had the jury like putty in their hands, The Judge made sure that the odds were tipped in the boys' favor in the most corrupt way she could manage, and The OWAN was doing a masterful job of pointing out whether or not The Court Typist/Author was putting enough spaces after each colon.

She was not, by the way.

Anyway, The Author pretty much thought the case was a done deal, although she had to admit there was something about the lawyer for the prosecution that just put her on edge. Then, just as the twins stepped down from the witness stand and Roger stepped up, the secret was revealed. The prosecuting lawyer lifted his wrist to glance at the time- supposedly. However, as The Court Typist/Author had long ago mastered the art of perfect freaking timing under a wise jedi master C. Ock Block, she noticed that the watch was pink, and was not in, fact, a watch, but a communicater bracelet! 'Twas her dasterdly enemy.

"Commander Slap H. Appy," she murmured under her breath.

"What's that?" The OWAN asked.

"Rainbow ponies," The Court Typist/Author replied immediately.

"Actually, their rainbow unicorns," he replied. The Court Typist/Author glanced up at her.

"You're a recovering Grammar Nazi aren't you?" she said suspiciously. The OWAN gazed off into the distant crown molding of the court room with an unreadable expression, taking off the sunglasses The Court Typist/Author could've sworn she hadn't been wearing two seconds ago.

"I did my time in the service of the Queen's English," The OWAN said, taking on a southern accent that also had not existed two seconds before. The Court Typist/Author decided it would be a better use of her time to pay attention to the brutal interrogation- I mean questioning Roger was suffering through.

"Mr. McAllister," the disguised slash commander began. "The twins said that following the 'accident' that led to the death of Mr. Golding, the only person they saw for the rest of the night was you. Could you tell us why?" Roger gave him a cheeky grin.

"Because we're besties, obviously," he responded, his voice oozing sarcasm and the scent of the burger he had for lunch. Appy did not laugh, but instead fought the urge to roll his eyes.

"What did you do while you were with the twins?" he asked. Roger did not fight the urge to roll his eyes, or the urge to push up his hipster glasses with only his middle finger. Fangirls (and, out of fear, Simon) all across the galaxy swooned so greatly they had to be carried into the shade of convenient palm trees.

"We painted our nails and talked about boys," he let out another sarcastic reply that the jury was completely cool with because sarcastic British people are smexy. "We had gaurd duty stupid."

"Of course you did," he said, mimicking Roger's tone.

"Are you implying something?" The Court Typist/Author interrupted.

"Always," he deadpanned. "How would you describe your relationship with Mr. Merridew? Or the late Mr. Monroe?" Jack's and Simon's faces twisted in disgust at the thought of what Appy was suggesting.

"You're not implying-" The Lawyer began.

"You don't think-" The Judge... also began.

"Nice dialogue tag," The Court Typist/Author broke the fourth wall to say.

"I'm not gay if that's what you're saying!" Roger exclaimed indignantly, ignoring The Court Typist/Author's decision to talk crazy to herself.

"Of course you are!" A slash fan at the back of the court room yelled, holding up a sign that read "OMGEEZ ROCK 4 LYFE."

"There right there!" The prosecuting lawyer sang. The Court Typist/Author facepalmed. She hated this song.
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in." A few fangirls did so, and died on the spot from hawtness overload.
Look at that slightly stubly chin." Roger rubbed curiously at his chin and was disappointed to find it utterly lacking in any form of facial hair. Not even a fucking mole.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay" He stopped rubbing his chin long enough to flip the bird once again before crossing his arms angrily.

"I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expotriate.
This guy's not gay, I say not gay." The Court Typist/Author sang reluctantly, willing to do anything to stomp out the much hated implications against the boy which, off the record, she totally claimed as hers in chapter two. He almost smiled greatfully, but then remembered he was Roger, and chose not to.

That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically matically fay?" Everyone in the court room continued, much to The CT/A's dismay. She shared a look with her friends and they agreed telepathically (another skill taught to them by jedi master C. Ock Block) that they had to put an end to this quickly.

"But look at his coiffed and crispy locks." The first witness for the prosecution sang. The Judge discreetly repeated a favorite gesture of Roger's at the man when no one was looking.

"Look at his silk translucent socks." Commander Slap H. Appy continued.

"Hey!" Roger piped up defensively. "My mom made me wear these!"

There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing." The CT/A began logically.

"What are we seeing?" Commander Appy asked sarcastically.

"Is he gay?"

"Of course he's gay!"

"Or European?" The CT/A deadpanned. Everyone in the court room paused to think about this for a moment.

"He is extremely European," Jack said thoughtfully.

"We all-"

"-are stupid."

"We're from freaking London," Samneric piped in.

"ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?" The alarmed and confused slash fans' eyes darted to Jack, their prime suspect for Roger's gay lover (if he's gay). He raised his hands defensively.

"Well, hey don't look at me!"

"You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports." The OWAN offered helpfully.

"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!" All those for the defense added. Each of the boys opened their mouths to defend their fellow Europeans, but realized as they did so that Maurice was wearing his school issued lacrosse uniform that they all had: a very shiny tank top and shrinky dinky tank top.

"I can't really argue with that..." Ralph said sadly.

"It's kinda true," Bill agreed.

"Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things
like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks." Roger, to back this up, did so to The CT/A's young and impressionable little sister, who simply smacked him and told him he "wasn't an Ity, poser." The CT/A wiped away a stray tear, murmuring to The Lawyer proudly, "that's my sister!"

"Oh please" Commander Appy said, rolling his eyes at the obviously fake display of Europeanism. Maurice tried to make it seem more real by doing the same action to Percival... but Percival's a dude... so it kinda failed.

"Gay or European?
So many shades of gray."

"Depending on the time of day
The French go either way," Jack whispered to The Random Witness before snickering at Ralph, who was half French. Ralph was confused who was laughing and what they were laughing at (blindfolds wonk up his brain) so he laughed too.

"Is he gay or European?" The Random Witness cast a glance at Roger and caught a vital white piece of evidence smeared across his face.

"Writer, get your mind out of the gutter!" The CT/A yelled at the writer, catching the way she smothered a giggle while typing the last sentence.

"There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk." If your mind, too, was in the gutter, The CT/A wishes it to be known that the vital white piece of evidence smeared across his face was his condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro hetero jerk.
That guy's not gay, I say no way."

"That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a
hottie in that costume" Everyone, defense and prosecution, sang together.

"Is automatically radically," Commander Appy sang triumphantly.

"Ironically chronically," The CT/A sang before realizing that she was confirming his questionable sexuality and slapping a hand over her overly large mouth.

"Certainly pertin'ly," The OWAN did the same.

"Genetically medically," Jack sang just because he likes to put Roger in uncomfortable positions.

"GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY" The slash fans concluded. Roger looked around frantically, knowing that the sake of his love life was on the line, and grabbed the first girl he saw and proceeded to make out with her. Unfortunately, the CT/A had chosen an unfortunate time to go and tell him that she and all his friends would be more than happy to give him a helpful shove back into the closet. The prosecution did not miss the scene.
"DAMNIT!"

As soon as they looked away and continued with their anthem, The CT/A gave him a helpful shove into a garbage can.

"Gay or European?"

"So stylish and relaxed!" Appy pointed out. The slash fans took note of his confortable position and beautifully tailored suit (*cough* THAT HE RENTED *cough*).

"Is he gay or European?" The defense chimed in, reminding the slash fans and the jury that it was still up for debate.

"I think his chest is waxed!" Appy yelled challengingly at the defense.

"He's thirteen, he just hasn't grown chest hair yet!" The CT/A pointed out.

"But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse." The Judge finally joined in.

"If he wears a kilt or bears a purse."

"Hey now, I've never done that!" Roger insisted.

"Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code."

"His accent is hypnotic!" The OWAN fangirled.

"But his shoes are pointy toed," one of Appy's disguised officers countered.

"Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray." Sam smirked suggestively and Eric elbowed him in the rib cage.

"But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday," The OWAN sang, winking at him. Roger cringed, and The CT/A whispered a reminder to her friend that even though she had just shoved him in a garbage can, she'd still had dibs since like chapter two.

"Is he gay or European?
gay or european?
Gay or Euro-"

"Hold on a minute!" The Lawyer interrupted, causing all the hardcore theatre/musical fans to die on the spot. "Give me a minute to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try." The CT/A looked at her friend questioningly, but he mouthed to her to trust him. "Now, Mr. McAllister, you were on the island for how long?"

"Two months," he replied, relaxing considerably now that they seemed to be back on track.

"And your first name is?"

"Roger."

"And your boyfriend's name is?" The CT/A's eyes widened with alarm, but The Lawyer communicated telepathically to her that this is the part where Roger immediately responds, 'I don't have a boyfriend.' and puts away all debate.

Oh how wrong he was.

"Samneric," Roger said without thinking. Everyone in the room gasped dramatically. "No wait! I misunderstood! You said boyfriend, I thought you said best friends. Samneric are my best friends." Sam jumped out of his seat and pointed at Roger accusingly.

"You bastard!" His brother jumped up as well and also pointed.

"You lying bastard!"

"That's it!"

"We won't cover-"

"- for you anymore!" They yelled angrily, in a fabulously gay fashion that no one knew they had in them. "Listen up people!"

"We have a big announcement!" Sam said on his own. "This boy is gay-"

"-AND European!" They approached Roger and Eric patted his back condescendingly. "You've got to stop your being a completely closet case!"

"It's us-"

"-not her-" Eric pointed to The OWAN, who pouted.

"-he's seeing."

"No matter what he says!" They sang in unison.

"I swear he never-"

"-ever-"

"-ever swung the other way!" They then began to gang up on him.

"You are so gay!"

"You big parfait!"

"You flaming boy band cabaret!" They finished together, then looking at him expectantly.

"I-I'm straight!" he stammered hopelessly.

"You were not yesterday," Sam said, winking in a very highly suggestive manner at him. Jack gagged and Simon fainted. Ralph was still confused.

"So if I may," Commander Slap H. Appy began, triumphantly throwing his fist in the air. "I'm proud to say
He's gay!"

"And European!"

"He's gay!"

"And European!"

"He's gay!"

"And European and gay!" Roger stood up and slammed his fists on the witness stand, looking flustered.

"Fine, okay? I'M BI!" he announced. The CT/A facepalmed.

"There goes the credibility of half of my stories," she muttered.

"Hooray!" The court room erupted into deafening applause, and The Judge, seeing the look of crushing defeat on her friend's face, slammed her gavel against the wall (because the actual stand is for nerds).

"Order! I demand order all you creepy ass fiction nerds!" The audience members, jurors, and boys returned to their seats, mumbling about how she be disrespectin' dem. "You may step down Mr. McAllister," she said to Roger pityingly. He nodded and returned to his seat, where he was overtaken by a sudden fascination with the floor. Maurice elbowed him, grinning from ear to ear.

"Twinsies, huh?" Roger's face turned bright red.

"Sh-shut up!"

I don't own Legally Blonde, Lord of the Flies, or a show that was referenced at the beginning of the chapter. Anyone who guesses correctly what the reference was and what it was to gets to pick the topic of my next one shot. So get looking people, and please review!