Daring to Dream
Chapter Fourteen
Lineage
Author's note: Warning, this chapter is very emotionally intense and deals with the issues of suffering and death.
It was dark.
In the dim mustiness of the room, Karna sat leaning against a wall. She had not moved for fear of waking Karlis and Ahoz, but her mind was a whirl. Sleep had proven impossible in the face of her mother's illness.
For the first time, she forced herself to consider the reality of her future. Though she could never thank Karlis and Ahoz enough for sheltering her, she could not stay here forever.
But she had nowhere to go.
Karlis had spoken truly when she said that Tarneesh would kill her if he knew she was alive, bur Karna's mind balked at the idea of staying away. This was her mother!
Hot tears sprang to her eyes at the prospect of never again seeing Hezal's beloved face. For years, she had been the only person who had ever loved her.
Now she was facing death and she couldn't even nurse her for fear of being seen.
Karna hit the wall in frustration.
Was there nothing she could do?
She buried her face in her hands, desperately trying to find some way that she could escape from this nightmare. Mentally, she tallied up the options.
Visit her mother and risk being discovered. Stay away and let Mother die. Ask Lord Peridan for help and risk a visit from Master Timeon. Another risk that would inevitably lead to questions.
In despair she let herself cry. There really was nothing she could do.
Not caring that her arm might be jolted, Karna balled up on her side and allowed the tears to flow freely. She was done trying to be strong and find a solution. This had all happened because of her wretched dreams. What good had they ever done her?
If she had obeyed her stepfather and married Lavarin, she would now have a settled home and stability for life. She would have been allowed to visit and care for her mother. As it was, she had spurned a sensible match and was now homeless and powerless to do anything to help the one person she loved the most in the world.
Karna cried on, heedless of Karlis' rising and Ahoz's preparations for the day. She did not hear their quiet conversation during the morning meal or his departure for work. She was not even aware of Karlis' return until she felt the cool touch of a wetted cloth to her cheek and turned to see her younger sister bending over her.
Marriage had changed Karlis. She was no longer the quiet, innocent girl who had needed protection from the world of men. She had become a thoughtful, conscientious young woman who loved her husband and knew her place. She had a tranquillity that Karna now recognised and truly envied.
Since she had been a young girl, Karlis had looked up to her oldest sister. Always bolder and more adventurous, Karna had led all the children on their street into many capers and her youngest sister had followed along, dazzled by her older sister's daring. As they had grown older, Karna's confidence blossom into a surety of who she was. With that assurance had come a stubbornness to have her own way which had led to many a punishment at the hands of their father.
But now, Karna wondered if that assurance had been a delusion. What good had her stubbornness ever brought her? Beatings, punishment and the never-ending resentment of her stepfather.
She rose carefully from her huddled posture and took her younger sister's hand. Karlis returned the touch with a squeeze. Her expression was gentle.
"You've been crying." It was a statement of fact.
Karna nodded. "I'm so sorry for putting you and Ahoz through this, my sister."
Karlis stared. "Through what? Karna, you are my sister. What else would I do?"
"Not risk your life for one who doesn't deserve it."
"Don't speak this way. Such thoughts are wrong and only lead to pain."
"How can I not feel pain, knowing that every day I remain here is putting your life in danger?" she demanded.
"And just how is my life in danger?"
"If he finds you here …"
"Why would Father come here? You know he has little interest beyond knowing how my husband's business does. Our father is many things but he isn't curious, Karna."
"Your father." The words were so quiet that Karlis first thought she had misheard. Karna fixed her eyes on the floor, refusing to meet her gaze.
"Excuse me?"
"Your father." The words were whispered but distinct. Karlis stared. Her mouth became dry.
"My father?" She choked on the pronoun. Karna was silent.
Karlis stared at her sister in shock. She tried again, this time begging her older sister to look at her.
"Karna," her voice broke and her sister forced herself to look up.
Karna's expression was pained. "Yes, dearest," she murmured, "your father."
Karlis reached for Karna's good hand and grasped it like it was a lifeline. Her heart beat violently inside her chest as she struggled to comprehend what her sister was telling her.
"Tarneesh isn't your father?" she eventually got out. She stared at her sister and received a nod of clarification. "How long have you known?"
The older girl swallowed and settled herself more comfortably, searching for the words.
"Mother told me the night that we first heard of the Narnian delegation's visit," she replied. "I had been wondering for a while and she finally confirmed it for me that evening. You see I am so much taller than all of you, I wondered where my height came from."
"Who is your father?" Karlis asked, wide-eyed.
Karna hesitated. "His name was Harradin Tarkhaan."
"Tarkhaan! Your father was a nobleman?"
"Yes and Mother was married to him very young. I was only a year old when he was killed by the Tisroc and she was sent home to her father's house, the widow of a declared traitor. My grandfather tried to take me from Mother and she refused to give me up. So in revenge he apparently married her off to the first man he saw on the street. That was your father."
"A declared traitor?"
"My father was a great warrior. Mother told me that he saved the Tisroc (may he live forever)'s life in battle and for a reward he gave him the honour of beheading the Ulvarran king."
Karna felt new tears pricking her eyes as she continued. "My father refused to attack an unarmed man. He said that he could not do such a thing in honour. He begged the Tisroc to let him fight the king, or bid him ask him to do any other service, but the Tisroc refused and again commanded him to strike down the bound king. My father apologised and beseeched him to understand."
She wiped away a tear. "My father was struck down for being a coward and declared a traitor because he refused to be a barbarian. That was his reward for years of faithful service to our king and saving his life (may he live for ever)."
Karna sniffed and withdrew her hand to wipe her nose.
Karlis' expression was horrified. She was too shocked to speak. All her life, she had known this girl and loved her. Yet their mother had kept this secret from them all.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked eventually.
"What would have been the point?" Karna replied bleakly. "It doesn't change who we are, or what we feel for each other. It just leads to another never-ending line of what ifs. It doesn't affect who I am Karlis. I'm still the same person I always was."
"That's why Father mistreated you," Karlis realised. "I wondered why he punished you far more than the rest of us. I always thought it was because of your stubbornness, but now …"
"He had to live every day with a reminder of who he had married. The widow of a traitor. But with a dowry from a highborn Tarkhaan, which carver could have refused such an offer? Certainly not your father."
Karlis shook her head. "And now you cannot even see her."
Karna closed her eyes, willing the tears to still. Instead of speaking, her younger sister drew her gently into her arms, offering the only comfort that she could.
It was proving to be a long day. Peridan had spent the morning in the company of Tarkhaan Dallakin, his wife Lasaraleen and several other Calormen nobility. He had found the Tarkheena's attempts to ingratiate herself even more vexing than usual and had been forced to seek solace in the garden. She had been extolling the virtues of their country's army (interspersed with solemn nods and acquiesces from her husband), until he had wanted to leave the room. To hear the ridiculous young woman, speak, she thought it a fitting and acceptable practise for Calormen to invade whomever they wished.
"But what if that country has not attacked Calormen in the first place, my lady?" he had inquired.
Lasaraleen had laughed at this and fluttered her fingers at him. An odd gesture, but one which she seemed to think alluring. "Oh my dear Lord Peridan, the Tisroc (may he live forever) would not attack without just cause. Everything he does is done with discernment and much forethought. Is it for so, my husband?"
Tarkhaan Dallakin had gravelly bowed his head at this. "Indeed, oh my wife. For as the poet has said, the Tisroc (may he live forever) is the chosen vessel of Tash (may he be praised!) upon this earth and all his decisions must be respected and obeyed."
"Indeed, my dear, just as I would have put it. So you see, my lord, everything is as it should be. The Tisroc (may he live forever) does not err in his decisions."
"It must be very reassuring to live in a country ruled by a monarch who is always right," Peridan remarked dryly.
"Do you not trust your kings and queens, my lord?"
"Indeed I do, my lady. But I do not think they would ever claim to have never made a mistake."
"Is your High King not called the Magnificent?"
"It is true; he was named so by Aslan himself …"
"The deity you worship named the king himself?"
"Indeed, my lady. He gave titles to all of our monarchs."
"So does it not then follow that their judgement is correct in all things, if they were chosen by a divine being?"
"I suppose in a way, my lady Tarkheena. But I know that even the kings and queens would not claim to be infallible."
"It is only in the certainty of one's trust in one's monarch that one can be sure of one's country," Tarkhaan Dallakin stated.
"Quite so, my husband," the Tarkheena simpered. "A country is only as strong as its king."
And so the conversation had progressed, endlessly dwelling upon the greatness and surety of their Tisroc's rule, to the point that Peridan had felt decidedly uncomfortable and made a weak excuse to absent himself. He had been trying to will himself to return when the sudden appearance of Timeon had thrown him.
"Timeon?" he enquired, "what is it?" The healer's expression greatly concerned him.
"The girls' mother is gravely ill, Peridan," he replied. "I've just come from there. Karna is beside herself with wanting to return. I persuaded her to remain where she was until I could speak to you."
Peridan frowned. "Consumption? Surely that will be fatal among the peasants of Tashbaan?"
Timeon was grave. "I am certain of it, my lord."
The Narnian lord closed his eyes in pain. "Those poor girls. It seems that one calamity after another haunts their family. How are they?"
"Karlis is more level-headed. Karna was all for returning to her father's home. She was heedless of the danger."
"That is true. She is a passionate young woman and can allow her emotions to lead her astray."
"What is to be done, Peridan? The matter is not as simple as our first visit to heal Karna's shoulder and that journey in itself still holds danger."
The Narnian lord started to pace, his brow furrowed. It seemed that there was little that could be done, but he was loath to let the girls' mother die.
"I must speak with the king," he decided. "I will not act without the counsel of Mr Tumnus and he. The situation is delicate. How is Karna's arm?"
"Healing well, she is simply in need of rest."
Peridan nodded. "I thank you for your help in this matter, my friend. It is a difficult situation."
The healer bowed, leaving Peridan pacing the garden.
He was desirous to pull his friend aside and speak with him that moment, but he knew that such a rash action would raise questions. Discretion was key if this situation was to be resolved. They had already taken too many risks of late.
He forced himself to return to the noisy hall and was soon re-absorbed into another conversation. Only half listening, he found himself looking around at the assembled throng. There were several groups of nobility, laughing, flirting and deep in serious discussion as servants carried trays of food around the room.
The queen and Prince Rabadash stood off to one side, deep in discussion. The couple were surrounded by several Tarkhaans and Tarkheenas, as well as Mr Tumnus and King Edmund. It was impossible to deny that they were a striking pair; both black haired and tall. Her pale and fair and he, bronzed and proud.
Yet there was an undeniable sweetness to Susan's expression which Peridan feared would be crushed by the Calormene Prince. Rabadash was strong and impressive, but there was an undeniable arrogance to his manner that could grate against the most patient temper.
Peridan watched him as he made a joke. The Prince's Calormene companions responded with an easier laughter, whereas Her Highness gave an embarrassed blush and King Edmund managed a polite smile. Mr Tumnus gave a polite nod and managed to turn the conversation to a different topic. Peridan observed a small smile of gratitude from the queen before he noticed the young boy who was standing aloof from the group.
Prince Corin had been pretty well entertained during the first week of their excursion, but he had found today's activities incredibly dull. They had toured the great temple of Tash and he had been forced to feign interest in the boring droning of the High Priest as he had explained the daily sacrifices and running of the place. King Edmund had reprimanded him for inattention and though he had tried to listen, his attention had inevitably waned.
The building had been very large and the massive jewelled statue of Tash was impressive, but he had swiftly lost interest. Now they had been stuck in this stuffy room for close to an hour and he was finding the adult conversation thoroughly tedious. He was just about to go in search of another dessert when he saw Lord Peridan approaching him and smiled.
He liked the Narnian lord a lot. He was an adept story-teller and could often tell some amusing stories of his father's youth. He also felt a connection to Peridan as he had been born in Archenland and knew many of the same people and places.
"Are you bored, my young lord?" Peridan enquired with an undeniable twinkle in his eye.
Corin smiled. "I simply wish to go outside, my lord. Will you take me to the garden?"
"I have already been, but I shall be glad to take you. Will you lead the way?"
The prince needed no further urging and ran out of the room, narrowly avoiding collision with a servant bearing several goblets of wine.
"Less speed, Prince or you will shame us all," Peridan snapped, muttering an apology to the harried server.
Corin had the grace to look shamed, "I'm sorry, my lord Peridan," he replied.
Peridan allowed the boy a smile. "I understand, but it is best to think before you go charging off. Now come before you cause any real damage."
He led the boy along the passage and out into the sunlight. Corin immediately relaxed and took to running around the edge of the garden at Peridan's suggestion.
"See how many circuits you can make before someone comes looking for us."
The prince leapt on this suggestion and was on his eleventh journey round when King Edmund entered the garden with a surprised smile.
"Your idea, my lord?" he enquired.
Peridan laughed. "Indeed, your majesty. His highness seemed a little energetic so I suggested that some circuits might help to alleviate his um … restlessness."
The King laughed and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "I know today's activities have not been an ideal diversion for the young, but we have all had to endure these royal visits in our youth. I remember my own boredom when we toured the Tisroc's palace on our first visit of state. I was only thirteen and far more interested in studying swordplay than diplomacy and politics."
The lord nodded. "I can quite believe it, sire."
Their conversation continued in this vein until they were standing at the far end of the garden, away from curious ears. Once there, Peridan fully explained the history of his relationship with Karna and her family, not sparing his own feelings or his personal comparison of her and Lucy. He gave a full account of his actions – first in bringing Timeon and then of promising their continued aid.
"I could not bear the thought of such a young, vibrant life facing no future," he confessed. "Please tell me if you think I have acted rashly, but I believe I would do the same again."
Edmund was silent was a long time as he digested his friend's narrative. Carefully, he considered their next course of action.
"I could never find wrong in an action that sought to aid one so wholly in need my friend," he began. "But there is much to consider when deciding upon our next action. I cannot but consider the danger we would put her in, by even one stranger showing up at her father's door to help her mother. You have been lucky that no-one has noticed your visits to her brother-in-law's house but I am afraid that our aid must end there. It is too dangerous to offer any assistance beyond medicine."
Peridan nodded. "I was afraid that would be your conclusion, Edmund. I must confess that I concur, but I must go to see her myself. Do you give me leave to visit her tonight when all are abed?"
The king paused. "Can you find your way to Master Ahoz's dwelling without being noticed?"
"I am sure I can, your highness. I believe that I owe Karna an explanation for why we cannot assist her."
Edmund nodded. "It is a difficult situation and I am glad that you could offer some vital aid. But I pity the girl, who can know what course her life will take after this?"
The lord shook his head. "She had faced great hardship, your majesty. Being forced to marry against her will and then being strong enough to stand up to her father."
"I can see why she reminded you on Lucy. She has a will of iron, as Peter would say. I have never seen a more determined mind than she when she feels strongly enough about something."
Peridan smiled. "But they also share an infectious joy in life. Karna was completed transfixed by my descriptions of Narnia. She was utterly lacking in that 'air of mystery' which most Calormene people think impressive. I could not stop thinking about her …"
A new thought struck Edmund. "Truly, Peridan?" he enquired. "Have these thoughts remained?"
The Narnian lord turned away to hide his expression. "They are just thoughts, your highness," he replied. "I shall not regard them."
The king sighed ruefully and joined his friend by the wall. "If they are the type of thoughts that I predict, they might not be so easily ignored, my friend," he stated. "Marken informed me that he has never seen you so distracted. He confessed that he could not comprehend your apparent fascination with this particular maiden."
"It is not fascination, my lord king!" Peridan exclaimed. "I simply could not bear the thought of her light being extinguished. The idea of Karna suffering a life of drudgery and forced servitude to a husband she could not stand …"
"You could not bear the thought?" Edmund finished.
Peridan nodded. "I could not bear it. She was so young and vivid. So refreshing after all I have experienced in this country."
His king agreed. "Then you must do all you can to help her. I give you my leave, Peridan. But do not be caught and do nothing that would threaten her life."
"I thank you, my liege." Peridan bowed deeply before making his departure. He had much to think about and needed to plan his journey carefully. Speed and anonymity were of the essence.
Ahoz was deeply troubled.
Since his marriage, he had seen the close relationship that Karlis shared with her sisters. It had pleased him to gain two sisters through marriage (after being raised with five brothers) and he had willingly opened his home to Karna when she was in need.
But since the operation upon her arm, Ahoz's concern for Karna had been growing. He was unsure about where she would go after she was healed. He knew that she would want to work and gain her own living, but where would she live? It was unheard of for a woman to live alone in Calormen, unless she was a widow. Karna would face questions her whole life about her past, her husband and how she came to be alone. But he also knew that she could not live with himself and Karlis forever. The knowledge of her existence would eventually get out and Tarneesh would eventually hear of her survival.
He had tried to speak of this with Karlis, but the conversation had inevitably ended in frustration when they could not find a solution. The intervention of the barbarian lord had amazed him. Even when Karlis had explained the nature of their acquaintance, it had still seemed extraordinary to Ahoz that this foreigner would wish to help a Calormen servant girl.
He had been lost in thought for most of the day and had even received a chastisement from his father for inattention. Abashed at his distraction, Ahoz had pushed the quandary to the back of his mind until he left the market for home.
However, even with the problem of Karna's future, he could not help smiling at the thought of returning home to Karlis. He had never known such deep contentment and happiness since his marriage and would never have changed their life. They had managed to attain a marriage of true love as well as economic sense, a very rare thing in their land.
Eagerly, he turned into the passage that led to their home and was quickly through the door. Karlis waited for him with her usual smile and he entered to the welcoming smell of a meaty stew upon the fire.
"Welcome home, oh my husband," she said, drawing out his usual chair.
"Thank you, oh my beloved wife," he replied, kissing her before he sat. "How have you fared this day?"
"Well enough I thank you," Karlis replied as she busied herself with serving the dinner and passing him a cup of ale. "Karna has not been well and she told me … something." Her voice faltered and Ahoz looked up.
"What is it Karlis?" He took her shaking hands in his and drew her on to his lap. Karlis ceased her shaking but he could see the tears in her eyes.
"It's … it's Karna."
"What about her?"
"She … oh Ahoz, she isn't our sister. She's our stepsister. It's why Father was always so cruel to her!"
Unable to help herself, Karlis poured out that morning's revelation and allowed herself to properly lean on someone else for the first time. Ahoz held his wife as she allowed her to finally cry.
It was a surprise and yet it also made a great deal of sense. He had always wondered at his father-in-law's great aversion to his eldest child and now here was the reason. He shook his head at the burden Karna had been carrying. The poor girl. She had already faced such hardship and now she could not even visit her sick mother.
Very gently, Ahoz settled his wife upon his chair and poured them both a bowl of broth. She had calmed down and now allowed him to care for her, drinking from a cup of water and obediently sipping from the bowl of the broth he placed in her hands. They ate quietly until both were finished.
It was not until she had cleared the bowls that Ahoz asked the question.
"How is Karna?"
"Calmer since this morning. We had a long discussion and I think it was a relief to finally share the truth of her birth."
Ahoz nodded. "We must reassure her that she will have a home with us as long as she needs."
Karlis smiled gratefully. "I know, my love. I have told her this. But I think she finds the truth about Mother terrible to bear."
Her husband nodded. He rose to speak to Karna when a quiet knock came upon the door. Cautiously he opened it and was faced with a tall figure, shrouded in a thick grey cloak.
Karlis immediately jumped up. "My Lord Peridan!"
Ahoz stepped aside at the Narnian lord's name and bowed deeply. "It is a pleasure to meet you, my lord. I am Master Ahoz, Mistres Karlis is my wife."
The lord returned the gesture. "I thank you for allowing me to enter your home, Master Ahoz, your wife has been most accommodating. I must apologise for my unannounced visit, but it is vital that I speak with Miss Karna."
The butcher ushered the lord into his home. "Of course my lord, you are most welcome. Karlis, would you wake Karna?"
After thanking Ahoz, Peridan moved through to the other room and found her lying on her usual mattress. She looked exhausted and her brow was creased with pain. Karna moved hurriedly at the sight of him and tried to rise. Immediately, he placed a hand upon her shoulder.
"My lord …" she croaked through dry lips. Karlis passed her a cup, urging her to drink.
"Please rest, Karna. You are not well," Peridan stated, lowering himself beside her. "I am so very sorry about your mother. I wished to speak to you."
"Master Timeon urged me to wait and I have. But what choice do I have, sir? This is my mother."
"And if your father finds out you have visited he will kill you Karna, that is the simple truth."
A tear stained her cheek. Karna angrily brushed it away. "Would you please tell me sir, what good is there in having dreams at all if they only lead to pain and destruction? What good have mine ever brought to me? How can a god which inspires such love and trust in those who follow Him allow an innocent, loving woman who has only ever accepted her lot in life with patience, to be struck down by this vile illness?"
Karna choked through her tears as she continued. "How can your god let my mother … m-my loving and wonderful mother die so young when so many evil people are allowed to thrive? Why can I not even see she who is my whole world? Why my lord?"
Peridan listened in anguish as the young woman poured out her grief to him. His heart ached for this vibrant, innocent mind which had had to bear so much strife and pain. Struggling with a stinging behind his own eyes for a moment, he gathered his thoughts.
"Karna. It's true that Aslan is loving and merciful, but he is also fair. He is not a puppet-master who controls our lives. Every man and beast who lives on this beautiful earth has the freedom to act as they chose. Aslan did not will this upon your mother and it grieves him to see her unwell. I am so sorry for your pain. But your mother became ill from where you live, from the dirty water, the close proximity with those who live near you. It was not Aslan's doing. Health and illness are part of our lives. I do not know why some live and some die, but I am so very sorry that your mother is ill."
The girl listened to him mutely. She had no response for him beyond the raw agony of her helplessness. This foreigner … this unknown man from another land had listened to her and shown such kindness. If she had ranted at her step-father in such a way she would have been struck and called a bastard. But this man chose to listen. He chose to console her and explain why these awful things had happened.
A memory stirred. She was standing in a garden, facing the very lion Peridan had spoken of. Words returned to her, words that had haunted her dreams …
"Take heart my daughter. You shall find the joy you seek, but know that the path to joy is wracked by great sorrow. Trust in your courage and trust in me.'
"The path to joy is wracked by great sorrow." Karna spoke the words without realising it and found the Narnian lord staring at her.
"It is," he agreed. Karna flushed and looked down. She wiped her cheeks, embarrassed.
"I am sorry, my Lord Peridan," she murmured. "It has been a trying few days." Peridan nodded. "I thank you for your words, I have much to think on."
"Karna." She made herself look up. "I have spoken to King Edmund. He greatly sympathises with your situation, but we both agree that the danger to you is too great. We cannot risk a visit to your father's house."
Karna could not help replying. "Stepfather, my lord."
Peridan stared at her, "I beg your pardon?"
Suddenly she found that she could not bear any more lies. "Tarneesh is my stepfather, it is why he has always hated me."
Before she could think better of it, Karna poured out her story for the second time that day and was thoroughly exhausted upon its completion. Shocked, Peridan sat in deep thought for a long time before he eventually rose.
"I should leave," he said. "Please give me your word that you will not visit your step-father's house Karna. Please, I ask you."
Too tired to fight any more, Karna agreed.
Peridan nodded. "I thank you. I have much to think on. Please know that I am doing everything in my power to help you."
Very gently he lifted a hand and with a touch as soft as a bird's wing, stroked her cheek.
"I will not let you abandon your dreams, Karna daughter of Harradin. You must live and have hope."
As silently as he had come, the Narnian lord disappeared into the night.
Author's note:
It would be fair to say that this chapter has exhausted me to write. I hope I've managed the right balance with the emotions and drama of the situation. But it is my longest yet (except chapter 1)!
The problem is, it was only on writing the characters dealing with the reality of the situation that I've realised how horrible I have been to Karna! The conversation between her and Peridan was a particularly difficult one to balance and pace.
I have also explored a lot more of Peridan's feelings for her and where they come from (he's finally starting to get the hint!). I am now officially on holiday and apparently exhausting myself!
I am aiming to write the next chapter later this week (when I have recovered from this one!). Thank you so much to Meldahlie, anyabar, Kilgharrah, guest (Narniac?) and Tellyouallaboutit for reviewing. It amazed me how quickly you reviewed. I was very flattered to see how enthusiastic you were about the update. Hope this one lived up to it!
Again, thanks so much for reading, it really means the world!
Breeze.