Daring to Dream
Chapter Eighteen
The Truth of Hidden Emotions
It was only once they had reached the now familiar archway leading into the merchants' quarter that Peridan was struck by something.
This was the third time in two weeks that he had rushed to Karna's aid.
Unbidden, Marken's words came back to him.
"What about this Calormene girl has inspired such loyalty?"
It had been the day of Susan and Edmund's arrival. Marken had been driven to distraction by the obsequious fawning of Madame Abilene and had demanded to know why Peridan had abandoned his duties in order to help this apparently ordinary Calormene servant girl.
At the time, he had swept his motivations aside as immediate action had been required.
Now … here he was once more heading to the poor quarter, regardless of the offence he might be causing their hosts or the danger he might be putting himself in.
But then, the king and queen had both agreed that urgent action was required. They had supported his decision to help …
So why was he questioning his motives? Was he not acting as any knight would, in rushing to help those in need?
But why her?
From the first moment he had seen her, Karna had stood out to him, and not for obvious reasons. In a group of beautiful, sensually dressed young women, it had been her innocence and fixed smile that had struck him. Then they had met and her curiosity had fascinated him.
Instead of flattering and flirting with him as most Calormen noblewomen he had met, she had asked questions and being so obviously enraptured by the stories of Narnia. He would never had believed that such appreciation for life and spirit could come from such poverty and hardship.
Then, regardless of her life's difficulties, Karna had refused to accept a humdrum and safe existence in favour of her dreams. Of course, she could be stubborn to the point of futility, but with that obstinacy came a fierce love and loyalty for those she cared about. A devotion that would lead her to risk her own life …
Peridan swallowed hard and forced himself to focus upon the matter at hand. They were drawing close to the dwelling and Karlis urged him to seat himself within a dark corner.
"Please keep your hood up until I return, my lord," she stated. "I will be as swift as I can. I will say I have come to enquire after my mother's health."
She bobbed him a quick curtsey before hurrying away. Peridan kept his sword out but safely covered by a fold of his cloak, ready and alert for danger.
It seemed as though she was gone for hours, though it could not have been above fifteen minutes. Peridan tried to remain alert for every sound, but he could not help his thoughts once more returning to Karna.
Why was he so concerned for her welfare?
If he was being brutally honest with himself, he knew that his interest could not be excused as the concern of a knight for one in need. Marken had been right. There were a hundred such cases of abused daughters in this huge city … so why did he dread the time when they might leave …?
Peridan shuddered at the thought and thrust it aside.
He had to face reality …
He cared for Karna.
And it was not the way he cared for Susan or Lucy or any of the other women he had befriended in his life.
If he was being honest, he knew that he had never felt the way for any woman that he now felt for Karna. Had not Edmund said as much?
But how much did he care for her? Certainly enough to drop everything and rush to her protection when her life was threatened.
A memory stirred and he found himself remembering the feel of her cheek. Just one touch, but he had been unable to stop himself.
Her eyes. They transfixed him. Her beautiful, dark eyes that had looked at him with such trust and gratitude.
What would he not do for her?
Peridan swallowed hard and forced his mind back to the present. He didn't even know if she lived … but she must. Surely he would know if she had … died?
A cold fear stabbed his heart.
If he had doubted before, Peridan knew what he felt in that moment.
A sudden movement caught his eye and he spun, blade raised.
Karlis stood before him, smaller and more delicate, but almost the twin of her sister in facial expression. Her cheeks were streaked with tears but her eyes were bright.
"My … my lord Peridan, Karna lives."
Peridan released a breath he had not known he was holding.
"Did your father see her?"
"Yes, but she fled and managed to escape. Tarlana and I believe that she must have fled to Master Tirshan's house. There is nowhere else for her to have gone …" Her voice shook and Peridan saw the tears start to flow freely as she choked out the words. "My … my lord … I cannot come with you. Please … please tell Karna that we love her. But we have to think of our family. My moth … my mother is d-dead …"
She started to sob and buried her face in her hands. Peridan stood and was about to urge her to seat herself when the young woman regained her composure.
"My lord Peridan. I love my sister so much, but we cannot help her. Our father is still ignorant of the role we played in her escape. Tell her … tell her I am so very sorry but we can do nothing more. We have to keep living and if our part was ever discovered …"
The Narnian lord places a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Mistress Karlis," he stated. "Anyone who has seen you cannot doubt the love that you share with your sisters. I understand and so will Karna. Please, rest assured that I will keep her safe."
The young woman returned his gaze directly for the first time. Her eyes were very like Karna's, large and dark and showing every emotion of her soul.
"Please take care of her," she implored. "Tell her we love her and love her for us, my lord. I can see that you do, even if she or even you don't know it yet."
Peridan stared at this young Calormen woman.
She was an illiterate peasant girl, raised to fulfil one role in life … and yet she had seen plainly the truth which had eluded him. He, an educated and learned diplomat had missed the simple truth … that he was starting to fall in love.
He gaped at her for a full minute without moving.
Karlis regarded him gravelly before she reached up to kiss his cheek.
"Good bye, my brother."
She whispered these parting words before hurrying away.
Peridan was left in a tumult of emotion.
He remained there long after she had disappeared into her father's dwelling. His mind was awhirl, overwhelmed and momentarily incapable of rational thought.
Eventually, a loud horn blasted, announcing the closing of the city gates. Peridan jerked back to reality and realised that darkness had fallen.
Urgently, he drew up his hood and hurried back to the house. If he was not quick, he might miss Karna all together when she came seeking shelter. The thought of her being alone in the city at night and unprotected was unthinkable.
He entered the familiar street that led to Master Tirshan's house and sighed gratefully when he found no beggars waiting at the door. It was not an unusual occurrence for them to come seeking food or even respite from the danger of the streets.
Peridan knocked loudly and an angry voice asked,
"Who goes there?"
"Lord Peridan of Narnia."
The door swung open and a stooped figure peered out. Peridan lowered his hood and made eye contact with the old door keeper.
"Good evening Grushta," he said with a nod. The doorman bowed deeply, his voice dropping to a sycophantic purr.
"Good evening, my Lord Peridan. You are late tonight."
"I had business in the city. Might I enquire whether any young women have come calling tonight?"
The door keeper arched a curious bushy eye brow. "A young woman, my lord?"
"Yes, a tall, thin maiden wearing a red dress and brown shawl. Have any answering that description sought entry?"
Grushta leered conspiratorially. "No, my lord, but I shall be certain to grant her admittance when she does arrive. I had wondered when your barbarian lordships might be seeking such company."
Peridan grabbed the door keeper roughly and slammed him against the wall. "How dare you insinuate such a thing!" he bellowed. "Get your mind out of the sewer, vermin and do not dare to ever think such a thing again about any Narnian! Do you understand me?"
He thrust the door keeper against the wall once more for emphasis.
Grushta was instantly contrite, bowing to the floor and almost crying from fear. "Forgive me. Please forgive me, your honoured lordship. I meant no offense to yourself or the young lady."
Peridan forced himself to take several long breaths before he spoke. "Just see that the door is opened if she arrives," he stated. "I do not know how much longer I will be out. Remain alert for my return."
The door keeper bowed once more before Peridan heard the door slam shut behind him.
Unable to repress a shudder of disgust at the man's assertion, he moved to sit in the shadow of a nearby doorway. Once he had approved his vantage point, he kept his sword balanced upon his lap and pondered Grushta's train of thought.
The very idea that he might have invited such a woman back to the residence of his king and queen? Peridan winced, revolted by the idea.
He was not naïve. He knew that such practises took place in countries outside of Narnia. But the thought that the doorkeeper could believe such a thing of him …?
He wasn't sure whether he was more disgusted or angry.
In the end, he didn't have to wait very long. He couldn't have been sitting in the doorway for longer than five minutes when he saw a dark figure cautiously moving along the opposite wall. The size and shape were right for Karna, though the head was covered.
Peridan decided to act. He rose and approached.
"Karna?"
The figure turned to him.
"My lord Peridan?" The voice shook and he recognised it as Karna's. Though it was too dark to see her face.
Relief hurried his steps as he reached her. It was only when he did that he realised she was visibly shaking.
"My … my lord I am so very sorry, but I … I didn't know where to go … my mother."
Peridan simply drew the young woman into his arms and held her. He felt every tremor that rocked her slim frame as she sobbed upon his shoulder.
"Karna I am so very sorry. So very sorry for your loss."
He gently stroked her long hair, cradling her as she wept.
A week ago, such an action would have been inconceivable to Peridan. But in that moment he knew that it was the only thing that he could have done.
He only let go when her tears had stilled and she was calm. When he did, they were both slightly embarrassed. Karna drew in a shuddering breath and Peridan forced himself to speak.
"We must get out of the street, Karna. It is not safe to remain here. Come."
He knocked once and hurried her through, past the lowered eyes of the doorkeeper and into the main house. It was not until they were installed in a small antechamber that he allowed himself to speak.
"Karna, I cannot imagine what you have gone through today. Your sister came to find me and we went in pursuit. We thought you would be identified by your stepfather."
She flushed and nodded. "I am sorry, I never meant to cause anyone worry. But the thought of never seeing my mother again was just impossible, my lord…"
She felt the tears once more threatening and allowed Peridan to lead her to a sofa. He did not permit her to speak until she had taken a long sip of lemonade.
"I understand," he assured her, taking a seat nearby. "I would have done the same thing. Your sister and I were just relieved that he never caught you."
Karna nodded, embarrassed by the trouble she had caused.
"I am so sorry …" she began.
Peridan held up a hand. "Please don't apologise. It is enough to see that you are alive and safe." His expression softened. "Karna, know that you are safe now. I promised Mistress Karlis that I would never let any harm befall you and I intend to keep my word."
Karna felt tears pricking her eyes, though she was not sure whether from relief or pain.
Suddenly she felt tired, exhausted and in pain. Her arm throbbed and her head was pounding. She leant wearily back against the sofa.
Peridan was instantly contrite.
"I'm sorry, you must be exhausted." He rose quickly and headed for the door. "I will send someone to watch over you. Please do not fear, none but I have access to this room. You can rest at ease."
Karna nodded and allowed herself to relax. "My lord …"
Peridan turned.
"I do not know how to thank you for your kindness to me. I have no idea what I would have done if you hadn't …"
"Listen to me, Karna and heed my words. I promise you, no-one will ever hurt you again. Don't be afraid, you have friends and people who care about you … deeply."
He was never sure whether Karna heard this last phrase because her eyes had closed. But whether she had heard or not, Peridan determined to show her that care in every way that he could.
As she had drawn steadily nearer to Master Tirshan's house, Karna had found her certainty of welcome fading with every step until she stopped and dawdled in the next street for a long time. She had experienced every emotion that day from the agony of loss to the terror of fearing for her life to the physical pain of her arm. By the time she reached the street by the house she found herself exhausted, grieving and terrified about her future.
Why would the Narnians want to help her?
Fear and hope chased each other through her mind as she tried to deduce the next sensible course of action.
In the end her apprehension grew so great that she forced herself to move from the fear that she would remain in that spot all night. So she had moved.
Cautiously she had clung to the wall, trying to think of a way to gain entry besides the main guarded door. Then she had heard her name being called and turned to find Lord Peridan striding towards her.
The relief had proven too much to handle. She been unable to utter a coherent sentence as her emotions had overwhelmed her and she had burst into tears.
The next moment, she had found herself held in the strongest, safest embrace of her life.
Karna had never been held in such a manner.
No father had ever gathered her close when she was upset. No brother had ever lifted her away from danger. The only hugs and touches she had ever known had come from her mother and sisters. Even these had been exchanged in secret, away from the disapproving gaze of Calormen society.
She had never known the feeling of being held securely in a man's arms, of actually being cradled. Karna had nothing to compare the feel of Peridan's arms around her to. All she knew was that in that moment, she knew that she never wanted to leave.
For the first time in weeks, months or maybe even years, she felt properly safe.
This man did not tell her to pull herself together, to stop crying and showing weakness. He simply held her, condoling with her pain and offering the only comfort he could. It soothed and helped her to calm more quickly.
Of course, once she was composed they both blushed at the impropriety of such an embrace. But Karna could not find it within her to regret it. On the contrary, this man had not only comforted her but was now offering his protection. How could she regret the acceptance of his kindness?
Once they were within the house and a small room she recognised as Peridan's private study, Karna realised the folly of her actions that day. Again her stubbornness had nearly gotten her injured. Yet at the same time she knew that she would never have acted differently. Even to save her life.
She would always be able to hold on to those precious final words from her mother. And she knew she would treasure them.
Karna listened to Peridan's assurances of safety with gratitude, but found the right words hard to find as her weariness started to take hold. It was only after she had allowed her eyes to close that she thought she heard him mention something about people caring deeply …
This was Karna's last thought for quite some time.
She slept the exhausted slumber of one who has experienced too much and can only seek healing in rest.
When she did eventually awake feeling refreshed, daylight was streaming through the small window and someone was watching her. Alarm quickly turned to relief as she recognised Timeon's lined face.
"Master Timeon, I am so pleased to see you!" she said, moving to a sitting position.
The older man smiled gravelly as he offered her a glass of orange juice.
"My dear young woman," he replied, "you have faced more hardship in the past month than some face in a life time. I was so very sorry to hear about your mother."
Karna accepted the drink gratefully, wanting to focus on anything but her loss. It was chilled with ice and quenched her parched throat like rain in the desert. She drained it is one gulp and thankfully accepted a top-up from a jug.
"How long have you been here?" she asked.
"Lord Peridan asked me to watch over you after you came in last night," he replied. "It was a pleasure to see you get a good night's rest."
"Thank you. I think this is the most rested I have felt in weeks."
Timeon smiled. "I am glad. How is your arm?"
Karna tested it. "Still tender, but the strapping has helped to keep it relatively stable."
The next few minutes were spent in the checking of her arm. The healer did not say much, but he seemed please.
"Healing well," he stated after it had been carefully secured once more. "Though I would not make running a habit, Miss Karna. The arm is jostled far too much with such activity."
She ducked her head. "I know. I am sorry, but I am sure you understand the need?"
Timeon nodded. "Lord Peridan has filled me in on what occurred."
Karna felt herself reddening. "Do you think me stubborn and reckless?"
The older man sighed. "I think passionate and motivated might be a better choice of words, but I won't deny that you were foolish, Karna."
The girl blushed slightly from shame as he continued. "I know you loved your mother very much Karna. But with such passion come carelessness. You were lucky to escape alive last night, especially after all the care that has been taken of you."
It was strange. Karna had been scolded and punished by her stepfather all her life. Yet she had remained untouched by every word and slap she had received at Tarneesh's hand. However, Timeon's words cut her to the core and caused tears of regret to sting her eyes. She knew she had been reckless and things could have turned out so very differently.
"I am sorry," she stated, fresh tears staining her cheeks. "I've always been impetuous. It just never caused any real harm until recently. It was only ever I who suffered for it."
The older man smiled sadly and patted her hand.
"As long as you learn from your mistakes, that is the main thing lass," he said. "And you can also rest assured that you never have to see your stepfather again."
Karna felt her calm returning and was just about to speak when a loud knocking on the door made her jump. Timeon rose and opened it carefully. He stuck his head through the gap and huffed.
"You were told that you were not permitted to enter this room, your highness."
"But why has Lord Peridan cancelled our sword training session?" demanded a young voice.
Karna sat up in surpise, it was the last tone of voice she expected. A boy's voice.
"You know that Lord Peridan was called away on urgent business."
"And he returned with a guest. Grushta the door keeper told me just ten minutes ago. Can I meet her?"
"The lady is tired, your highness."
"Then I expect an early morning walk will do her good."
Karna saw the door being pushed and the next moment a young boy had ducked under Timeon's arm and was regarding her with open curiosity. He was about twelve years old with bright blond hair and curious eyes that were somewhere between green and grey. His expression was open and friendly in the way that only a child's can be.
He smiled to her and gave a neat bow.
"Good morning, my lady. I am Prince Corin of Archenland. Might I escort you round the garden for a stroll? It is a beautiful morning."
Karna was so charmed by the young prince that she actually laughed. Timeon strode over with a rueful smile.
"I apologise for the intrusion, Miss Karna. His young highness should know better."
Karna stood and curtseyed to the prince. "Please do not apologise Master Timeon, his highness has quite charming manners. I am Miss Karna of Tashbaan, your highness. In the name of Tash, the inexorable, the irresistible, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
Corin shot Timeon what could only be described as a smug look before repeating his offer of the stroll.
"Miss Karna has not even broken her fast, my prince," Timeon objected.
The boy nodded. "Then we shall breakfast in the garden. I shall see to it, Master Timeon, please do not trouble yourself."
The healer pursed his lip but did not scold as he might have done. "I will take care of the meal but please be sure to stroll in the private garden only, Prince Corin. We do not wish for our guest's presence to be known by the entire household."
Though Corin's curiosity was evidently piqued, he merely nodded and offered Karna his arm.
Despite herself, Karna was charmed by the boy and took it as decorously as though they were strolling through the palace gardens.
Once they were away from Timeon the prince instantly piped up.
"I know that you being here is meant to be a secret and I want you to know that I am an excellent secret keeper."
"Oh?" Karna queried.
The prince nodded. "Oh yes. I've kept many a secret from Father and the staff at home. I'm the best secret keeper in Anvard."
"Anvard?"
"It's my home back in Archenland. My father's castle."
"I see. What sorts of secrets have you kept, my young lord?"
"Mistakes and accidents caused by the adults mostly. Although there was one time when I saw father's butler taking a whole tray of buns for the cook's pantry …"
Corin kept his chatter up all the way through the house until they had reached the shelter of the house's private garden. It was shaded, pleasant and only overlooked from two windows. Karna could understand why Timeon had suggested it.
The boy saw her comfortably installed on a stone bench and then left, promising to order her "something good" for breakfast.
Karna was just laughing to herself at the boy's enthusiasm when she saw Peridan watching her from the steps. He had a wistful smile on his face and seemed happy about something. She instantly rose to curtsey.
"My lord Peridan!"
He raised her quickly.
"Please do not bow to me, Karna. You need to rest and heal."
"How can I do anything but honour you for what you have done for me, my lord?"
Peridan shook his head and urged her back into her seat.
"Please do not thank me. I would do it again in a heartbeat."
Karna's heart fluttered strangely. "You would?"
"Of course. How could I let you get hurt?"
"My lord, it isn't your duty to protect me."
He was quiet for a long moment before he spoke. "Maybe not. But I promised your sisters that I would take care of you and I plan to fulfil that promise in any way I can, Karna."
He had taken a seat next to her and there was little space between them.
She stared at him. His eyes were a similar shade to Corin's, that strange greeny-grey. Though his were closer to green. They were warm and so earnest that she could not doubt his words.
"But why?" The question was out before she could stop herself. "Why would you make a promise to protect me, my lord?"
"Karna, don't you know?" The words had escaped from Peridan's mouth before he could stop them. "Can't you see why I have done everything I have done since I first met you?"
Karna stared, unable to form a response. Peridan registered her shock and looked away, struggling to find the words.
"I only realised myself yesterday what I had grown to feel … what I …"
He looked at her once more. "Karna I …"
"My Lord Peridan!" They both jumped apart as Prince Corin came bounding down the steps. Karna turned her face to hide the blush, whilst Peridan stood, angrily facing the boy.
"Prince Corin you cannot jump out at people in that manner. You quite frightened Miss Karna."
The boy paused, his faced crumpling. "I only wished to say that I got Cook to promise he would make a special treat for me this morning," he mumbled.
Karna's heart gave a small lurch. "It was an accident, my lord," she urged. "No harm was done and I am looking forward to trying this treat, Prince Corin."
She stood and went to the boy. Corin grinned toothily up at her, earning a reluctant chuckle from Peridan.
"I suppose I cannot blame you for dreadful timing, your highness," he admitted. "But learn that it is better to announce your presence in future rather than simply charging in."
The rest of the morning passed in a pleasant haze for Karna as she strolled in the garden with the irrepressible Corin and experienced one of the most luxurious breakfasts of her life. She was just considering another rest when Peridan came to tell her that a bath had been drawn for her.
Karna stared. "Truly, my lord?"
Peridan smiled at her disbelief. "Truly. I ordered one for myself and thought you would appreciate a wash; though Timeon asks you to keep your arm out of the water."
Karna nodded and followed him to a bathing chamber that she had cleaned so many times. Cautiously she removed her dirty red dress, suddenly aware of its shabby state. She would need a new dress soon though she didn't know where she would find the material.
With a sigh she folded it carefully upon a chair and lowered herself into the sweet smelling water. She had never had a bath and found the whole experience overwhelming. For the first time in her life she used expensive soap and oils. She even bathed her hair with the provided shampoo.
Once finished she rose and wrapped herself in one of the linen towels that she had often washed and hung to dry. She was just reaching for a comb when there was a light knock upon the door. Alarmed, she drew her towel more tightly about her.
"Lord Peridan?" she queried nervously.
A gentle voice answered. "No Miss, Lord Peridan sent me, may I come in? My name is Flora."
Karna assented and watched the young woman entered. She vaguely recognised her as Queen Susan's maid. She was smaller than Karna but had a merry, friendly face.
"Lord Peridan explained your predicament, Miss Karna and asked whether I might have a dress you could borrow? I'm afraid it might be a little short but I think it will fit you well enough."
She held up a blue gown and smiled.
"No, I thank you, Flora. But I couldn't wear your dress."
The young woman would not be refused. "It really isn't any bother and by the look of your red dress, it will be needed. Unless of course, you wish to remain in that towel."
Karna stared at the maid and couldn't help laughing. "I thank you. I would be grateful to have something to change into."
Flora nodded and smiled. "Excellent. Well you go and try it on behind that screen. His lordship has also asked me to help deal with your hair. He has a visitor for lunch who he wishes you to meet."
"A visitor? What visitor?"
Flora shrugged. "I'm not sure, Miss. I believe it is a Tarkheena."
"But why would he wish to introduce me to a Tarkheena?"
"I don't know, Miss. But you had better change quickly. You don't want to keep them waiting."
Karna nodded and hurried behind the screen. She felt overwhelmed by the speed with which things were occurring that morning. Who else was she to meet?
The dress did fit well enough, though the neckline sagged a little and it was a little short. It was made of a soft, cotton material that felt feather-light against her skin. Flora helped her comb and neatly braid her hair back once she had come out from behind the screen.
"Flora, what has Lord Peridan told you about me? Is it not strange for him to have a Calormene guest?"
The young woman shrugged. "I know enough, Miss Karna. He saved your life and has brought you here for safety. We all trust Lord Peridan's judgement. There's no finer judge of character. He trusts you and so we all do. That's all I need to know."
Karna listened in surprise. What must it be like to live in a society where people are able to trust each other so implicitly and not doubt intentions?
"That's you done, Miss," Flora said kindly. "It was nice to meet you."
"And you Flora," Karna replied with a smile. "I am grateful for your help."
The young maid led Karna to dining parlour and left her with a quick curtsey. She stood before the door for a moment before gathering her courage and knocking.
"Come in." She entered the bright chamber and was welcomed by Peridan's smile.
"Miss Karna, may I introduce her ladyship Tarkheena Menelay of Tashbaan."
Karna dropped into a deep curtsey and rose to see a tall, beautifully dressed woman regarding her. But instead of the haughty composure she would have expected, the older woman was smiling.
"By Tash," she said, "You look so like your mother, my dear."
Author's note:
Apologies for ending it there but this chapter proved to be a lot longer than expected. I also started writing it about a fortnight ago and have re-written the first half about five times. Apparently, deep discussion of awakening feelings is not something I find easy to write!
I think it's because I have been beating around the bush for so long with these two and it's very hard to finally work out how to realistically get them to realise and admit their feelings. I even had an argument with my husband about this when asking him to describe when he realised he fell in love with me! Apparently, guys find it hard to express their feelings, much less explain how they realised – so I am partly going to blame Peridan's gender for this! I hope I did it alright… what d'you think?
Corin was my much needed comic relief because this chapter was very intense and hard to write!
We're definitely at the angsty and dramatic part of the story now but more to come! What will Karna do? Will she stay with Menelay? Will she go to Narnia? Will Peridan ever learn to express his feelings?
Find out next time! I am not sure how many chapters are left … we're close to HHB events now so I would say maybe … three more in Tashbaan? Not entirely sure but I think less than ten overall.
Thank you so much to Mel, Anyabar, Kilgarrah and Zoey for your continued support and reviews, you guys really are amazing. And thank you Ashensong for your lovely review, it really encouraged me.
Thanks again and please let me know what you think!
Breeze.