Daring to Dream
Chapter Twenty One
Kairos
Kairos - an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment (the 'supreme moment').
There is a moment in everyone's life when they face a choice. A choice that will determine what path their future takes.
No-one can know when this choice will come or where that decision will lead.
None can know the judgement they will make at such a moment until they are there.
And now, she was face to face with a decision she felt incapable of making.
Throughout of her life, Karna had dreamed.
As a child, she had longed for acceptance and some approval from her then father. At the failure of this dream, she had fantasised about finding magical lands in her mother's pantry. Every time she had entered, she had pretended to be in another strange country, filled with the peculiar creatures that the poets spoke of.
When this had seemed impossible, she had dreamed about the day she would one day marry and have a home of her own. She had played endlessly with Karlis and Tarlana, always being the mother to her two little girls as she ordered them around and instructed them about the tasks of a Calormene woman.
Then Lord Perian had entered her life. With him he had brought tales of Narnia, of magic and talking beasts. Never in her life had she heard such tales. Before she had realised it, her heart had started to yearn after the most impossible of dreams.
More than anything she had ever wanted, Karna dreamed of visiting this barbarian land.
But then, like all her other imaginings, this had been a fantasy. No dreams ever came true. They were insubstantial and fleeting, like a mist in the early morning. There one minute and gone the next.
However, this time it wasn't.
In this moment, she had a choice. A decision that would define her future.
To one side lay the safe and logical reassurance of what she knew. Calormen. Far from Tashbaan. Security for life.
On the other lay uncertainty, risk and the possibility of fulfilling her greatest dream.
In this moment, this defining point of her existence, did she have the bravery to take a leap of faith? To dare to dream and chase the deepest yearning of her heart?
The front doorstep of Master Tarneesh the carver's dwelling had become the bane of his eldest daughter's life.
It had now been three days since Tarlana's father had called her into his carving workshop, a place that she was very rarely welcome. Briefly, Tarneesh had explained that since her mother's death, she would be given the household responsibilities and be leaving her employment immediately.
Tarlana had not been surprised by his words, had in fact been expecting it. But it had still slightly depressed her to know that she would no longer be able to enjoy the camaraderie and distraction of her work place. It was likely that she would continue to fulfil her mother's until Kanzeesh took a wife.
In a way, she welcomed the distraction of the constant work because it brought a much needed distraction from the painful throbbing in her chest, which had become her near constant companion. It would intensify at the oddest of times. When she found a familiar cooking implement. When she stoked the fire messily and embers flew on to the floor and she expected to hear her mother's gentle chiding. Of course, it never came.
She felt her mother's absence most painfully during the long, lonely hours of the day when she was left alone. Despite the amount of effort she might expend in the sweeping of the floor or the scrubbing of the table, she would always feel the ache's dull throb.
So had the doorstep had become the bane of her life – always needing a brush, but never remaining pristine. It was her constant bugbear, seeming symbolic of the pain in her heart. No matter how hard she worked, it never went and always needed more work to force away the pain.
The evenings were easier, when she had the welcome distraction of caring for her father and brothers. Though even then, she missed the gentle conversation of her mother.
Her father and brothers always left for the tavern after the evening meal, leaving Tarlana alone to clean up. Such moments had been precious before her mother's death, a chance to laugh and relax with her sisters. But now the time seemed endless and lonely as she sat by the dying fire, dwelling upon how much their home had changed in the past few months.
If she was being honest with herself, she knew that she did not just miss her mother. She missed Karna. Dreadfully.
Tarlana had always been the logical one, lacking the imagination of her sisters. But then, even Karlis had only dreamed about falling in love and playing house. It had always been Karna who had turned them into thieves or princesses, pirates or birds. She had always enlivened conversations and been able to see other possibilities beyond what was presented.
By comparison, Tarlana had always accepted life and what was expected of her. She had never been disappointed because she did not expect anything else to happen. She knew her place in this world and she accepted it.
Excepting the one time she had seen Prince Rabadash and become infatuated with him, she had never been a daydreamer or fantasised in any way. That silly fascination had been firmly swept aside when she had seen the consequences of Karna's rejected engagement.
In her head, she knew that the sister's imagination and penchant for dreaming had often led to stubbornness and distraction from her work. But at the same time, it was Karna's conversation that had lightened up the tedium of long work days and enabled her to see things from a different perspective.
Though she knew it was foolish, Tarlana had a desire, deep within her heart. She had to see her beloved sister, just once more. The fear of not knowing what had happened to her had kept not just herself, but also Karlis awake many nights.
Gathering her resolve, she placed the scrubbing brush firmly back in its bucket and closed their front door. She would visit Karlis and between them, they must be able to find a way to meet with their sister a final time.
At the insistence of Lord Peridan, Karna had remained in her room for the evening, contemplating her choice with a very troubled heart. At one point she had been certain about her resolution, but then after an hour of certainty a doubt had crept into her mind and she had once more been back to square one.
She had awakened feeling refreshed. After a quiet morning meal she had been hoping to speak with Master Timeon at some length, when she became aware of a commotion outside her room. Many doors were being opened and there was a definite babble of voices inside the normally tranquil house.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she pressed her ear to the door and was able to make out some phrases.
"Finally found!"
"Dressed like a Calormene slave, apparently."
"States that he can't remember where he's been."
Prince Corin! Oh praise Tash he was safe! Karna said a silent prayer of thanks before returning to sit by the window once more. She had taken to watching the action in the street during her hours of contemplation, but she knew that she must make a decision soon.
Tarkhaan Abramman had mentioned coming for her in only three days yesterday. Which meant that she had just two days to decide. But then Master Timeon had offered her a home and an entirely new life with him on his farm. He had offered to care for her, even love her as a daughter.
The sweetness of this offer had deeply touched her. To finally have a man treat her like a daughter and show her how a father was meant to act … but would he be able to? Timeon had spoken so fondly of his daughter Gwen. Would he expect her to act as Gwen would have? Was he looking for a substitute for his daughter in her?
Would it not be better to be Tarkheena Menelay's companion and enjoy a life of ease and security?
Karna stood up in frustration and returned to her established habit of pacing. She kept going around in circles. If only she could speak to someone outside of this … her sisters. How she longed to see them, to speak to them one more time and discuss the wisest decision for her future.
Though she was not sure how long she had paced for, it seemed quite a length of time has passed when a knock stopped her in the middle of a circuit.
"Come in!" she called.
Peridan entered with a strange expression on his face. He was clearly experiencing a strong emotion, but seemed to be unsure whether he was excited, fearful or anguished.
"My lord!" she exclaimed, "Are you well? I thought that I had heard Prince Corin's return?"
The Narnian lord sighed. "Yes, that is true enough Karna. His highness is safely within our care once more. We found him in the market of all places, dressed like a common slave."
"Then why are you so distressed?" she asked, stuck for a better word.
Peridan actually laughed and rubbed his forehead nervously. "There is much to do and say, Karna. I am afraid you will need to make a decision sooner than expected, but it must be made in the greatest of secrecy."
He gently asked her to sit down and requested a beverage as he gathered his thoughts. Struck by his obvious concern, Karna hurried to do as he bid her and brought a cooled glass of ale.
She listened in silence as he related the conversation that had just been had between the king and queen. Though it slightly surprised her to hear of the queen's decision, she did not blame her and listened earnestly to their plan.
"So you mean to sail in secrecy with the evening tide?" she qualified.
Peridan nodded.
"And you will leave and never return?" her voice broke at the last word and turned her face.
She struggled to maintain her composure as the reality of her words sunk in. She would never see him again. The Narnians would never be able, or wish, to return to Tashbaan after this. To do so would risk open war.
"Karna?" Peridan's voice was quiet but heavy with emotion. "Please, look at me."
She forced herself to look up and was torn apart by the pain in his eyes. She noticed for the first time what a strange colour they were. Part blue, part grey and part green. But now they were dark with longing and pain. She could see his inner turmoil so clearly.
"I don't know what to do," her voice cracked. She felt tears starting to threaten. "I'm so afraid, Peridan."
"I know," he whispered. "I know how confusing this must be and now we've even taken the relief of a few days' rest from you."
"What should I do?" she begged. "Please tell me what I should do. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I keep going around in circles. I wish …"
"What do you wish?"
"I wish that I could speak with my sisters. I know that they could advise me. They know me better than anyone on this earth."
"Would it help you to speak with them?"
Karna paused at the change in topic. "Could you arrange that, my lord?"
Peridan considered. "It would take planning, but I believe that I can sort a meeting. Would this help you to make a decision?"
"Yes. I am sure it would."
He nodded. "Then I will arrange it at once. Please, stay here and do not leave. I will speak to you as soon as I have made arrangements."
Without another word, he strode off, only realising that he had not answered her question when he was half way down the corridor.
For the rest of that day, the Narnian delegation had to pack subtly. Much time was spent in either making obvious gestures such as visiting market stalls or speaking of entertainments. Or in the quiet sorting of belongings.
King Edmund had been forced to attend a wrestling match that he had already agreed to observe with Prince Rabadash. It took all of his skills as a courtier to maintain a placid façade and act the part that was expected of him. When the truth was that his mind was awhirl with plans and stratagems for that night.
"I understand that you are preparing a great feast in my honour, King Edmund?" the prince commented as they shared a glass of wine during an interval.
"Indeed, my lord prince," Edmund replied. "Master Tumnus wished to throw a great banquet in your honour on our ship, the Splendour Hyaline."
"Dining on board is certainly a novelty," the prince agreed. "Is there any special reason for this great feast? Might I expect to hear some news that will be pleasurable to my hearing?"
"I cannot answer that question, prince," the Narnian king carefully replied. "You must wait for the banquet. It will be splendid."
"I understand that many entertainers have been employed for the occasion."
"Indeed. How did your highness come to here of this?"
The prince smiled slyly. "Let us just say that I have ears and eyes throughout this city, my lord king," he replied cryptically.
While he maintained an outward calm, Edmund had not missed the veiled threat and felt an iciness grip his heart.
"I would expect no less from the crown prince, your majesty," he replied with a tight smile.
Thankfully, he was spared any further conversation by the recommencement of the wrestling.
Every minute of that morning had dragged as Karna sat, waiting in anticipation of Lord Peridan's return. She had remained quietly, her heart jumping at every noise.
She could hear a great deal of conversation and loud banging coming from the house as furniture and possessions were moved in "preparation" for the great feast.
Every second she expected the prince to come charging in, fully aware of the plan that was being hatched by the Narnians to deceive him.
Her heart felt full as she waited, knowing that Lord Peridan would fulfil his word. He always did. He had never failed her.
Would she fail him?
She paused. He had never told her his opinion, but she believed that she knew it.
The knocking was so quiet that she didn't hear it at first. It came again and she spun to look at the door.
"Come in," she called.
The door opened with a loud creak. A small face peered round and Karna felt her insides contract. "Tamara!" she exclaimed.
Her old friend beckoned. "You must come at once Karna," she whispered. "I have a shawl to hide your face. We must hurry so you are not seen."
Karna nodded and allowed her friend to slip the shawl over her head so that is covered her. They made their way swiftly through the house, avoiding the hurrying figures of servants and nobility alike. Tamara led her down a flight of stairs that opened to the gardens and out a side door. It was a rougher part of the garden where the gardeners kept their tools and equipment.
Lord Peridan was waiting.
He nodded his head to Tamara by way of thank you. She bobbed a quick curtsey before turning to Karna, her expression pensive.
"May Tash guide your steps, my friend," she whispered. She hugged Karna quickly before hurrying up the steps and back into the house.
Karna approached Peridan eagerly. "My lord?" she prompted.
He nodded and led the way to a deserted outbuilding. He gestured her to enter and Karna obeyed.
She had only glanced around at the dusty interior before two figures flung their arms around her. Immediately Karna returned the embrace of her sisters, feeling tears start to roll down her cheeks. She eventually pulled back to stare into their beloved faces. Karlis was also crying. Tarlana smiled softly at her.
"Oh my dear sisters, oh delights of my eyes! I thought I would never see you again!" she exclaimed, hugging them both.
They both returned the embrace. Karlis held her face in her hands for a time, wiping away the tears.
"We are here, oh my sister," she replied. "We had to see you one last time."
"Have the Narnians welcomed you?" Tarlana asked.
Karna nodded. "They have sworn to protect me. I have been fed, protected … they have even offered me shelter."
"You mean they will take you to Narnia?" Karlis gasped.
Karna nodded. "If I wish it."
Her sisters stared at her.
"But Karna, do you have any other choice?" Tarlana stated, "What life will you have here if you remain?"
Their older sister explained Menelay's offer as clearly as she could. They were both silent as the choice she faced sunk in.
"So you either leave with the Narnians or travel to Jezeera with your godmother?" Karlis summed up.
Karna nodded. "I have so very little time," she said, "I have been going round in circles for hours. Ever since I have known of my two alternatives." She started to tremble slightly. "I am so afraid, my sisters. What if I make the wrong decision?"
"Karna, what is your heart telling you?" Karlis demanded. "If there was ever a time to listen to the deepest desires of your heart, it is now."
"But what if I'm wrong?" Karna exclaimed. "What if all I dream for turns out to be smoke and mirrors? Has the poet not said that "To follow one's heart is to end in ruin"?"
"The poet has also said that, "To follow fear is to follow the path to destruction", Tarlana interjected dryly.
Resolutely, she took Karna's hands and forced her to look into her face. "My sister, I need you to listen to me. I am the logical daughter. I always have been. I have done my duty and never complained. I have always known my place in life. I know where I belong. Karlis has found where she belongs. She has a husband who loves her and a future." She exchanged a knowing look with their younger sister that mystified Karna.
"But you, my sister, have never fit in. You have never belonged here. You have too much heart, too much spirit and passion to live the life you want, not the one your upbringing was meant to prepare you for. You have brought such colour and vibrancy to our lives because of who you are. If you remain here, you will lose yourself, Karna. You belong in Narnia with those who have accepted you and offered you a home. Remember what Mother said, "Live the life that you have dreamed of". My sister, you know where your dreams will lead you. Go to Narnia. Leave this place and dare to fulfil your dreams."
There was a long pause when Tarlana finished speaking. Karna stared at her kind, gentle face and saw the strength beneath her care-worn expression. Before her stood one of the only people who truly understood her. These two, dear girls who were now women. Showing a wisdom that she knew she at times lacked.
She glanced over at her younger sister and saw the same strength, the same love.
"Do you agree with Tarlana, Karlis?"
The young wife nodded. "I do, my sister. I have done ever since I spoke to Lord Peridan on that dreadful night. I saw his face when he thought that he might have lost you. He was haunted. I don't just think that you will find a new life in Narnia, I think you will find love and a future."
Slowly, she moved her hand to her belly. "As I have with my Ahoz."
Karna's eyes widened. "Karlis, are you with child?"
Her sister's delighted grin was all the answer she needed. Unable to restrain herself, Karna gave a whoop of joy and hugged her sister, who couldn't help laughing.
"How long have you known?"
"Only a few days. Ahoz has been treating me as though I'm fragile."
Karna's delight softened to a smile. "I am so happy for you."
"Thank you, Karna."
Slowly, their joy faded as they realised that their time was running out. Tarlana glanced over her shoulder.
"We must shortly depart," she said. "Have you made your decision, Karna?"
Their older sister nodded. "I know my choice."
"Then you will go?" Karlis prompted.
Karna looked at her for a long time. "I will."
Both her sisters smiled gently and walked forward.
Karlis hugged her first. "You will be so happy," she said. "I know you will. Just know, my dearest sister, we will never forget you and we will always love you."
Karna held Karlis' face in her good hand and kissed her forehead gently. "I will, dear one," she replied. "Please thank Ahoz for saving my life, I don't have the words …"
"I would do it again tomorrow," Karlis replied fiercely.
With a final hug, she stepped away.
Tarlana and Karna embraced for a long time before they finally pulled away.
"I will miss you so much," Tarlana stated. "You have given me hope, Karna. I know that I can accept my life and find contentment, but you have helped me to see that there is always another side to situations, there can be joy and happiness."
"Never stop looking for it, my sister," Karna agreed. "I will miss you too. I love you and I am sorry that I will not see you married. But I know you will be."
Tarlana sniffed and stared at Karna's face for a long time before she kissed her cheek.
"Good bye, my sister," she murmured before turning and leaving. Karlis followed, glancing back once more before she also left.
Karna was alone.
Suddenly bereft, she sat upon a wooden barrel and sobbed. She was now sure of the decision she was making, but her heart yearned for the family she would never see again. She wept bitterly, oblivious to her surroundings until she felt a pair of arms pulling her to a warm, strong chest.
Peridan simply held her, giving her strength as she grieved for her lost family.
Eventually, he smoothed a gentle hand over her dark hair. Karna closed her eyes, soothed by the gesture.
"I am so sorry," he said. "But did the meeting help?"
Karna nodded as she gathered her composure. Embarrassed, she wiped her eyes and managed to meet his concerned gaze.
"Yes," she replied. "I have made my decision."
Peridan looked at her for a long moment. "What is it?"
"Would you answer a question before I tell you, my lord?"
"Of course."
"What would you have suggested I did?"
He hesitated before he replied. "Does my opinion matter so much to you?"
Karna gasped. "How can you even ask that, my lord? Of course your opinion matters! You are the one who has protected me and been the truest friend I have ever known. It was you …" She swallowed hard. "It was you who first showed me what it meant to properly dream. Not only that, it was you who encouraged me to never give up on my hopes for the future."
Peridan found it hard to speak as he took in her words. "I never want you to stop dreaming, Karna," he stated. "It's your vibrancy and imagination that first … that first drew me to you. Promise me you will never change, whatever your decision."
Karna nodded, wondering what he truly meant. "What … what was your advice going to be?"
"I want you to come," he said simply. "I have fought with myself and for what might be better for you by the world's standards, but I cannot give that advice. Please come to Narnia, Karna. Please come … with me."
She stared at him. "With you, my lord?"
"Aye, with me."
Finally, Peridan could stand it no longer. He gathered her to him and kissed her hair. "I love you, Karna. I wasn't willing to admit it to myself for a long time, but finally I know the truth. I love you and I cannot bear the thought of leaving you behind. Please, come home with me. Come home to Narnia."
Karna gently drew back and stared up at this man. This strong, wonderful man who had once seemed so strange and exotic. This brave knight who had protected and sheltered her. Sworn to look after her when he barely knew her. This courageous lord who had risked so much to ensure she was safe and well.
This extraordinary man who was now staring at her as though she was a precious jewel. With such tenderness and love.
"Yes," she said. "I will come with you, Peridan. I have never met anyone like you and … I love you too."
When she spoke these simple words, Karna finally understood why she had been so troubled. She had been fighting, her head against her heart and now it seemed her heart had well and truly vanquished.
With incredible gentleness, Peridan cupped her chin in his rough palm and raised her head. Karna had never been kissed before, but she was certain that nothing would ever compare to the feel of his lips against hers. It was only a soft touch, but she felt her heart skip a beat as his hand stroked her cheek.
Eventually, they drew back and smiled at each other. Peridan was beaming in a way she had never seen. She was struck by how well heart-felt delight became his features. He seemed years younger.
Peridan stepped forward to drop a final kiss on her lips before drawing her hand to rest it in the crook of his arm.
Finally at ease for the first time in days, Karna allowed him to lead her from the garden.
Author's note:
Sigh! Well folks we finally got there! I knew I had to include this or I would've had pitchforks pointed at me (well maybe metaphorical ones, but still!). Was it worth the wait?
I hope it was! This was still hard to write, but I found that once I got into the groove it flowed much better than the 'Peridan realising feelings' debacle of a few chapters ago! By the way, cannot recommend classical writers enough to get inspiration for this type of writing - Miss Austen, Mr Dickens and Mrs Burney really helped me with the wording and ideas!
Also, re-reading the 'Shasta with the Narnians' chapter in HHB would be very helpful to put this chapter in place chronologically. This was more focussed on the Karna/Peridan romance/choice angle. The action will recommence next chapter I promise!
Also, wanted the title to focus upon that key moment in a person's life when they have a life-changing decision to make.
Please let me know what you think! (I am dying to know!)
As always, thank you SO much for reading and reviewing,
Breeze.