Chapter 28:
By dinnertime, Peeta asks me if I want to leave the bar. While I couldn't bring myself to take my eyes off the screen very long up until this point, I am more than ready to get away from this stuffy atmosphere, this crowd. Haymitch is passed out and snoring- he'll be okay without us- but it's a good thing Prim isn't in desperate need of a sponsor right now. Peeta and I leave and quickly head back to the Training Center tower. We run into Effie along the way; we inform her of Haymitch's location and I beg her to keep on top of him with regard to Prim's sponsorship, after which Effie stiffly nods. Even though it only takes a few minutes, by the time we reach the twelfth floor, I am on edge. I walk briskly to the sitting room, turning on the TV. I stand there, breath bated, until they flash the trio still walking in the woods, all of them very much alive. Relief floods my senses and I can briefly relax again. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to turn the TV off.
Peeta and I eat dinner there, on the couch in the sitting room, and then change into comfortable lounge clothes. We continue to watch the Quell, but not much is happening. The Careers are still out cold, though their chests are slowly rising and falling, so it is clear that they are all still alive. The cameras pan back to Prim, Annella, and Paul. By this point, they have explored acres of the forest and have settled on a spot to camp. Their temporary shelter is being constructed, Paul is starting a fire, and they have broken out a bit of the food that they had collected in the Cornucopia. I shake my head- Prim should already have set a snare by now-they shouldn't be relying on that food so soon. With the cold environment, she is already at a disadvantage with less fat- she will need it in her diet. I sigh- she'll probably realize that she needs to resort to killing game only after she has dipped to a dangerously low weight. The cameras show the other tributes, too- Jack, Mouseface, and Copper walking towards (thankfully) the same patch of woods; the Seeder look-alike, her district partner, and a couple of others still on their metal circles. Surely at least half of them unable to get to fire won't survive the night.
Things briefly get intriguing when the Careers begin to come to- interestingly enough the cattle prod had a similar effect on all of them; they all begin regaining consciousness at roughly the same time. But once they wake up, they make the unanimous decision not to hunt anymore this evening. Furious at the other half of the alliance, yes, but they are also hindered by their lack of supplies- a fact that they only just discover as they are about to head out. But when they realize how little food they have, that their entire stockpile had essentially been picked over, even they are smart enough to realize that it probably won't be the best idea to go traipsing around the woods (several miles away) at night. After that, the Careers begin the mundane tasks of rekindling their fire and taking stock of their inventory before drifting off to sleep.
As I continue to watch without much happening, and thinking that I will probably just nap out on this couch without shutting the TV off, Peeta and I settle in. I get my warmest socks and he grabs a flannel blanket- it's almost as though watching such a cold environment has made the Training Center drop a few degrees. On the screen, Jack, Mouseface, and Copper are building a fire on the outer edges of the woods and setting up camp- so we can breathe a sigh of relief that the surviving alliance won't spend the night freezing to death. Peeta and I are warming up, too- we began the evening sitting attentively, but as it wore on we started snuggling under the blanket. I don't have to feel guilty about spending every night with Peeta now- my sister is gone, there is no one else there to compete for my attention. And after spending most every evening with Prim, I realize now how much I've missed this type of contact. I cling to Peeta like a drowning girl would a life preserver.
Later that night, after the tributes are all asleep, after they've played the Anthem and they've flashed on the screen the fatalities- eight in all, including three alliance members- I rest my head comfortably on Peeta's chest. He suggests that we go to bed- one bed or two, whatever I want, he says. I shake my head adamantly.
"No, Peeta, I'm staying right here, on this couch, and if something happens on TV, then I'll be able to see it right away," I say stubbornly.
He sighs. "Even if you do, there won't be anything that you'll be able to do about it," he says calmly back to me.
He has a point, but he has hit a nerve- this situation is killing me. My emotions are running so high- anxiety, frustration, helplessness. The feeling that I can't do a thing to help my sister, or the rest of the alliance for that matter. I would a million times prefer to go back into the arena than to have to feel this way- because I have no control right now. My emotions, once again, start to bubble over, and my bottom lip wavers as tears threaten to gather in my eyes.
Peeta wraps his arms around me, rolls over, and gently begins softly stroking my hair. We are lying on our sides facing each other- me looking towards the TV, of course. "Sshhhh," he whispers calmly, "You did so much for her, Katniss. Remember how grateful she was to you at her interview? I know you have a hard time seeing it, but you did as much for her as anyone could possibly ask. Now you just have to let it go, and have faith that she'll come back to you." He sounds so reassuring.
He's right- as usual- and once again he communicates though his words perfectly. I nod, blinking to hold back the tears, then close my eyes altogether. I gently hold the back of his neck and pull him towards me, holding his torso flush against mine, putting my face near his, needing the closeness.
After a few seconds, I notice something. Peeta's breathing has shifted, gotten really shallow, rapid. There are no sounds coming from the TV except some owls in the distance; I tune it out. A couple of moments later, eyes still closed and when I least expect it, I find his lips on mine, gently kissing me.
I pull away, eyes opening in surprise, looking at him. He looks ashamed, cheeks flushing bright red. "I….I'm sorry," he whispers. "It's just….being this close to you like this makes me… really want to kiss you, that's all. Especially after, um… the training scores." He's clearly referring to the night where we kissed on the couch for a couple hours. For once, his words don't sound quite so polished.
That doesn't matter. Inexplicably, despite all the reasons- Prim, the Quell, the Capitol, the rebellion- that could justify me pushing Peeta away, I find, for the moment, that I only want him closer. Could it be because saying good-bye to Prim early this morning left a gaping hole in my heart, one that I'm trying desperately to fill? Maybe. Could it be because even though I feel powerless to control anything in the arena, deep down a part of me knows that I have some power over Peeta, that I could probably control him if I wanted to? Absolutely. Is it selfish? Undeniably. But somehow, I don't think that Peeta will complain, which makes it okay in my mind. This time, I kiss him. And there is nothing gentle about it.
To be able to channel all of my emotions at once- my frustration and desperation and nervousness and anxiety- into something that I can actually do, actually control, like a kiss- feels amazing. And having a guy like Peeta to receive it- sweet, handsome, who I know cares for me, loves me, wants me even, feels even better. I pull him roughly to me, running my hands through his hair, lightly scratching his head. I reach my hands up the back of his T-shirt to explore his body- his back; his broad, stocky shoulders; I even move them over his boxer shorts and feel his butt- something I've always wanted to do but never had the nerve. Well, I have it now. I kiss him roughly, using my tongue, using my teeth- nibbling his lip, moving my mouth down to his neck and gently sucking, making him moan with pleasure. I push him onto his back, pinning his wrists with my arms, then swing my leg so that I can roll on top of him, kissing him again, pressing my chest to his, straddling his hips. It's then when I feel something completely foreign, yet utterly unmistakable, pressing back against me.
Peeta looks excited. His mouth is open, his cheeks are rosy, his eyes are sparkling- this isn't new. But Peeta is excited,which is. I have never been so blatantly confronted with his sexual arousal before- with anyone's, actually- and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with it. I know I thought that he wanted me, but I've never actually been forced to understand exactly to what extent. Sheer panic overtakes me, followed quickly by humiliation- and some regret. I have no idea what I'm doing. And maybe the reasons that I had for kissing Peeta aren't good enough- especially if I could get him to react that way. Though my power trip is satisfied, I now feel horribly guilty. I roll off of him.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, mortified. "I'm so sorry. I guess-" I wait for a second as the humiliation keeps growing, "I guess- I just, um, need a little time to build up to all of this."
Peeta's reaction surprises me- he laughs. "No need to apologize, 'Girl who just set me on fire'." He grins at me and rolls onto his side, facing me again. His expression turns serious as he cups my face in one of his hands. "I'm serious though. I don't want to rush you into anything. We're getting married in a couple of weeks. We have a whole lifetime to work up to things, if you decide that you want me around that long." He grins again, and his blue eyes are shining, but vulnerability creeps into his voice.
The mention of our wedding date makes me think about the end of the Quell, and the associated heartbreak sure to accompany it. But this isn't the time to discuss it. I want to reassure him somehow. I kiss him softly on the lips and reply, "Sounds good to me."
I then pull him close for a hug. As my arms go around him, I find that my desperation is still there. I squeeze him extra hard, then whisper, "Please don't leave me here alone tonight."
Peeta slowly shakes his head. "I wouldn't dare." He reaches across and strokes my hair. We lay together in the dark, in the quiet- even the owls are silent now. I manage to drift off for a couple of hours.
But we are both suddenly awoken by sounds on the TV. Cracking branches due to an avalanche.