Chapter 41: Now What?

"She can't do this!" Finn paced between the couch and the large screen TV in Kurt's room.

"Of course not, it's crazy! She can't defer, while she waits for us to get in. We may never get in!" Finn was taking up all the pacing room in front of the couch, so Kurt slid over the back of it and started to pace between the couch and his bed.

"I know!" Finn grabbed at his head, pulling at his hair in frustration. "She won't listen to me. She gets all weepy and says, 'But it's our dream, Finn, the three of us in New York. I can't go without you guys."

"I don't believe this! Rachel's always been the most ambitious, determined …" Kurt stopped pacing and grinned at his step-brother. "It can't just be because of you, you're not that hot."

"Hah! Says the guy who used to drool over me."

"Yeah, well, that was before I knew you stuffed Cheetos in your mouth till crumbs dribble down your face."

"I do not!" Finn pulled a decorative pillow off the couch and threw it at his semi-brother.

Kurt caught the pillow, laughing. "You do." He replaced the pillow. "There has to be some other reason."

"It's not just me. She doesn't want to leave you either." Finn started pacing again. "She wants us all to be together in this magical future she's created in her mind. She's so freaking stubborn!"

Kurt paced counter clockwise to the circle Finn was tracing onto the floor. "I think she's scared." Kurt stopped pacing and caught Finn's eyes. "New York! She's wanted this, her whole life. Suddenly, it's here; and she's terrified. She doesn't want to do this alone." Kurt resumed his laps around the area rug. "Not that I blame her. It is freaking scary. "

"Yeah, could be. She's been a little nervous lately, but she's high strung on a good day so…" Finn shrugged. "I talked to her. Her dads talked to her. She's not hearing us. She's set on this vision. The three of us in New York …" Finn mimed air quotes. "… finding our dreams together."

"She called me last night, and tried to get me to…" Kurt grimaced. He wasn't a big fan of self-help mantras. "…visualize the future! She's flooding my inbox with suggestions for my second NYADA audition, everything from what I should sing to how I should style my hair." Kurt snarled. "The day I take Rachel Berry's style advice…" Kurt waved his hand, assigning that day into the depths of never. "Well, that's just not going to happen, ever!" He stopped mid-cycle. "She looked up the deadline for the spring semester applications, and forwarded it to me. I don't even know if I want to try for a second audition. Parsons is a good school. And let's get real. I have a better chance of being the next Tom Ford than being the next Hugh Jackman."

Finn smirked. "You'll be happy to know that my fiancé is willing to allow you to go to Parsons. You can go to whatever school you want…" Finn chanted the next words in a slighter higher voice, making it clear that they were a direct quote from Rachel. "… as long as it's in New York."

"It's not her decision."

Finn walked around the couch, and slumped down onto Kurt's bed. "You're right, it's not. Do you know what you want to do?"

Kurt sighed, and propped himself against the back of the couch, facing Finn. "No. I never seriously considered Parsons, I just applied because Miss Pillsbury was so determined that I apply to more than one school." Kurt stared at Finn, not even trying to hide the disappointment he felt. "I was sure I'd get into NYADA." They both sat in dejected silence. "What about you? What are you going to do?"

"I've been thinking about that." Finn didn't look at Kurt. He leaned over, his arms on his thighs, his hands clasped between his legs. He talked to the floor. "It's too late to apply anywhere now, and I can't stay here. I'd feel like the biggest loser." He looked up at Kurt. "I'm going to enlist."

"What? Are you insane?" Kurt stood over his step-brother. "You've heard of Iraq, right? Afghanistan, ring any bells?" Kurt shoved at Finn's shoulder. "No way, Finnegan! No fucking way!"

"Kurt!" Finn grabbled Kurt's arm, and tugged until his almost brother was sitting on the bed beside him. "Just listen, for a minute."

"Fine, talk!" Kurt crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm listening."

"I don't know what I want to do with my life. The army is just as good a place as any to figure that out."

"That's the most ridicu…"

"Kurt!" Finn waited until Kurt snapped his jaw shut. "While I'm figuring things out, I can be helping people. I can be learning stuff, maybe learning who I am, when I'm not McKinley's quarterback." Finn shifted a bit on the bed, trying to find the right words. "I want to know more than this, more than Lima, Ohio." Finn looked directly at Kurt, wanting his step-brother's understanding and support. "I want to do this for my father."

And that was the only argument that Kurt had no answer for. He didn't believe in an afterlife. He didn't for one moment think that anything of Finn's father existed anywhere to care whether Finn joined the military or not. But this wasn't about how proud the late Mr. Hudson might, or might not be. This was about Finn. This was about what Finn felt he had to do, to express his love for the father he never knew. Kurt got that. He did. He didn't agree, but he knew there was no way he was ever going to be able to talk Finn out of enlisting.

"Okay." Kurt nodded; his eyes suspiciously moist. "For the record, I think this is the most asinine idea you could possibly come up with and if anything happens to you I will never forgive you. But okay."

"Thanks, bro." Finn clasped Kurt's hand and pulled him into one of those half hugs the guys on the football team did. "Now, how do I convince Rachel to go to New York?"

NYADA; apply for the spring semester, or not? Parsons the New School for Design; yes or no? Fashion or music? And the answer, ladies and gentlemen is…I don't know. How can I know? Kurt stared at his computer screen. The home page for the Parsons website stared back at him. He had spent hours clicking through the site. It looked good, it sounded interesting. He could see himself taking these courses. Unfortunately, he felt exactly the same when he was on the NYADA website. Door A or Door B?

He couldn't decide. Was Parsons a new direction, full of unexplored possibilities, or was he just afraid to try out for NYADA again? Dior! Yes, he was afraid he wouldn't get into NYADA. He had done his best with 'Not the Boy Next Door'. If that hadn't got him in, then nothing would. Would he be a coward and a quitter if he decided to go to Parsons?

Ughhh! Okay, time out. Kurt clicked over to Facebook, and scanned the posts on his timeline. He skipped over posts from Mercedes, Santana, and Artie. He grinned as he read a new post from Blaine. "Congrats Dave! Pepperdine University Law School!" He grabbed his phone, and hit Dave's number.

"Hey, Kurt."

"Congratulations, Dave. Pepperdine's in California, right?"

"Malibu, man. I'm getting as far away from Lima as I can."

"You're going to have to learn how to surf."

"Yeah, and I'm going to get blonde high lights, go all surfer boy."

"Hot! I'm sure Blaine will approve."

"Blaine likes me the way I am, thank you very much. What about you? Blaine told me NYADA is a bust."

"Yeah, I don't know. I could apply again for the spring semester at NYADA or I could go to Parsons, they've accepted me."

"Fashion would be a good fit for you." Dave waited, but Kurt didn't laugh. "Aw, come on, that was good, fit for you."

"Yeah, clever. Oh, wait let me tweet Jimmy Fallon."

Dave heard the tension under the sarcasm. "You're freaking out about this?"

"Yeah, I've been staring at the Parsons acceptance for two days now. I've got to make up my mind soon."

"So, you've got to choose between singing and fashion?"

"Basically, yes. Although, Parsons has already accepted me, and NYADA is still a very big if."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Yes, please!"

"Go with Parsons."

"Why?"

"One; you're already accepted. Two; while I don't question your talent for a nanosecond, I do question the vision of the people you will be auditioning for. Your voice and look aren't exactly mainstream. Three; I think Parsons, and the design world in general, appreciate the unique, and that's you, Kurt."

… Silence…"Kurt?"

Kurt sighed. "You're right. I've told myself the same things but …"

"Kurt, that's how I would decide. But I'm not you. Go with your passion. What would make you happy?"

Kurt groaned. "I don't know. That's the problem."

"Ten years from now, what's making you smile? Belting out a song in a Broadway musical, or standing backstage watching models wear your clothes? Think about it."

"If I think about it anymore, my head's going to explode, and Carole will have to wipe bits of my brain off the floor."

"When I'm having trouble making a decision, I go to the gym, and punch a bag until the answer just pops out of my head."

"Ouch! I think I'll just listen to some music, distract myself until the answer floats to the top of my mind."

"Hey, whatever works." Dave laughed. "Kurt, remember that bustier you wore to school, what was it, sophomore year?"

"Yeah, those were my 'In Your Face, Suck it!' days. I've mellowed a lot since then."

"Well, I don't know if you remember this part, but I didn't toss you into a locker that day. I thought if I touched you, I'd combust. You looked so fucking hot!" Dave laughed into the phone. "Maybe that's why I think fashion when I think of you, Hummel, fashion and other things."

"Nice, Karofsky!"

"I've talked to everyone, Nigel. Dior! Even my manicurist at the Hand & Stone Spa gave me her opinion." Kurt stared at Nigel's face on his laptop screen. "I'm more undecided now than ever."

"Kurt, you know that therapy technique? The therapist says a word, and the client responds with the first word that pops into their head."

"Of course."

"Okay, don't think. Say the first thing that comes to mind. What do you want?"

"You!"

"Kurt! Trying to help here."

"Well, then, don't ask me stupid questions." Kurt touched the screen in apology. "Sorry. This NYADA/Parsons debate is making me nuts. It doesn't help that my favourite de-stressor is in Boston."

Nigel grinned. "I thought the spankings were to help with my stress levels."

"The spankings are for you, I'm generous like that." Kurt lowered his voice, and moved closer to his screen. "The way you feel under my hand, your skin flushed and burning, the little gasps and moans you breathe out, the way you just give yourself over to me, so that all I can think is MINE." Kurt sat back. Under the desk, he tried to adjust himself in jeans that suddenly felt like a tourniquet. "Yeah, that's all for you, Nigel."

Nigel's eyes had fallen to half-mast, lost in the sound of Kurt's voice. When Kurt fell silent, Nigel forced his eyes open. "Oh, God! I miss you so fucking much!" He reached a hand out, but he could only touch the screen. "Kurt, I almost forgot to tell you. I found it. I found the bed you want. They're delivering it next Wednesday."

Kurt's eyes went dark, and his smile held secrets. "Two weeks, Nigel, just two more weeks."

Kurt printed out the NYADA application and laid it down on his desk, beside the acceptance letter from Parsons. It's now, or never, Hummel. Decide.

He glanced over the papers, and froze as the dates seem to pop out at him. NYADA Spring Semester, start date: January, 7, 2013 and Parsons Fall Semester, start date: September 4, 2012.

He didn't have to decide, not yet. He could accept Parsons for September, and apply to NYADA for January. If NYADA rejected him again, he'd stay at Parsons. If NYADA accepted him, he would decide then, whether to stay at Parsons or transfer to NYADA. Done and Done! Finally!

Kurt signed the acceptance letter to Parsons, and sealed it into the return envelope. He filled out the application to NYADA, and carefully addressed a manila envelope. Breathing a sigh of relief, he set both envelopes on top of his messenger bag. Tomorrow morning's first stop would be the Post Office.

Teeth brushed, lights out, Kurt climbed into bed wearing a T-shirt he had stolen from Nigel. Decision made, Kurt was free to think about the really important things like Boston, and Nigel and the new bed.