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A/N: I know my updates have slacked from spoiling you guys but it turned into a God awful day and I nearly just gave in... But here, you go! Update for you, bedtime for me I think ;)

Enjoy and thank you!

Fifty Degrees of Love – Chapter Nineteen

Christian had refused to move from the room. He had been along for hours but before that, Carla had found him crying in his seat, his hand captured in Ana's and she had swooped in and hugged him tight and he had realised one thing – the touch of another didn't repulse him. He was lost as though he had been taken and set loose from his capturers and told to find his way back home.

Except the way was only flooded with thick, unrelenting mud that he had to trudge through in order to get to his destination.

His goal was now Ana and wanted to feel what he had when they had sex the other night. The wholeness he felt was something he couldn't quite comprehend but, he was now driven to go for it, to want it, to nurture it.

However it seemed the tables had been changed. She was giving him the divorce he wanted. Except now he didn't want it, he wanted to give this ago and learn what love was because he hated who he was. Christian had always had a warped sense of self and when Ana thrust her loving nature upon him he ran scared but, now he was sat here because he wanted to be.

There was a greater force keeping him here than there was driving him away.

"She'll be moved soon," Grace cut the moment with her words, making Christian look up at her. "She's got a room waiting in the private wing as per your orders on the hospital whenever one of us are admitted."

"Money speaking again," Ana groaned as she woke up and spoke dryly and sarcastically. Immediately as she balled her fist up and tried to push herself up a little before realising she was much too weak for that and gave up.

"Hey you," Grace spoke in a delicate tone, "You thirsty?" She asked and Ana nodded, her eyes closed momentarily as she tried to come back to earth without a reverberating thud. Grace waited until her eyes were open before bringing a cup to her lips.

Swallowing the coolness, Ana looked to Christian, "Why are you here?" She didn't want an argument but, his words still cut her apart every time she thought about them. "You should be having some sub party back in our bed seeing as I'm trapped here."

"Anastasia," He hissed at the thought. "That's not what I want."

"It is though," Ana thought back and felt the agitation fire up in her stomach, immediately colliding with her side and making her wince. "Or did I imagine Leila the other night?" Ana looked to him and could literally feel Grace's burning gaze from one side of the bed at Christian. "Seriously, Christian, you don't have to be here. I might be your wife but, I know I'm not priority in your eyes. Our marriage is futile to you."

"You're not a priority?" He asked her, his tone biting and bitter, "You collapsed in front of me and I have never been more terrified. I have a life with you somewhere within me and I am trying to fight to get it back. Please don't stop me doing that."

Looking to Grace, Ana could see this was more than a sincere moment and out of habit, reached and grabbed Christian's hand in hers only speaking when he laced his fingers with hers. Her Christian was fighting strong. "Okay."

"I will spend a lifetime making up for this," Christian told her honestly and felt a tear reluctantly pull at his lashes before falling. "I deserve to pay for what I've put you through."

"I was going to make sure you did," Ana joked tiredly and felt her eyes getting heavy. She tried to fight it, scared she was going to go to sleep and wake up to a monster all over again. Could she cope with that? She didn't know.

"Go with it," Grace cooed, running her hand over Ana's head and waited for her breathing to even out with her slumber. Her eyes shot to Christian, "You almost slept with another woman?"

"It was a mistake," Christian backed up, his eyes watering at the memory. "I thought I needed that control but, I didn't. I will pay for that for the rest of my life, Mom, but I will make it right. I need to," He dropped his gaze onto Ana and felt his breathing race. And suddenly Christian put his head into his hands and felt the need to scream. "I want to be right."

"I think you need to get seen to," Grace stepped in and pulled him from the room. She felt his resistance but, she was taking charge, "We need to see what's going on with you, Christian. You are too off and on right now and I don't want Ana exposed to that until she is a bit better." She looked at him, "I have a neurologist here to check you over."

"No," Christian replied back, snapping shut the lid on that idea.

"Do you want to get better or not?" Grace asked and stood up straighter, "Do you want to be stuck like this?" She could see Christian's face soften with acknowledgment, "Sweetheart, I wouldn't do this if I didn't have your best intentions at heart. I want you better. I want to see you less lost because right now that's what you are isn't it?" She asked as his eyes met her, "Lost?"

"Yeah," Christian admitted.

"Then have faith in me," Grace asked of him simply.

And that was when the realisation dawned. All of this was a moment of a faith, a testimony of that.

Christian took a look over his shoulder as a nurse went into Ana's room and began to check her vitals and he put his faith into his mother's hand and allowed her to lead him away from Ana's room. He was lost, more than a little lost and he wanted to find his way home.

However, after meeting the doctor and finding himself faced with yet another CT scan, Christian rejected the notion. He was terrified to be trapped in that when he was already trapped n this life. "I'm not getting in that," Christian resisted, the situation becoming real suddenly.

"Do you want to get better or not?" Grace asked her son, not willing to let him leave this floor of the hospital until he had a scan done and doctor had checked him over. "Do you want to get better or not for Ana?" Grace asked again, not fussing him or caring right now. She wanted answers and Christian needed tough love.

"I do," Christian replied in an almost silent manner.

Grace took his hand, "Then let the doctor help you, Christian."

He nodded and let them do what they needed and didn't resist. He remained silent as they left him alone and he was staring up as he was slowly moved into the machine. It felt familiar and not for the reason he had had a scan done after taking the last hit that sent his memories flying.

Lying still, Christian felt his agitation begin to rival him strongly and he felt his breathing begin to race. He had a continual headache and the noise of the CT machine was not soothing him in the slightest. He wanted to head back to Ana and ask her for help. He needed her and the feeling was overwhelming.

He had no memories of her and yet he was more than needing of her.

"Christian," His mother's voice burst into the tunnel, "I'm right here, and I need you to calm down. Think of Ana. You will be back with her soon. I can promise you that."

Taking a deep breath, Christian closed his eyes and shut out the world. He thought about the memories of Ana had he – her standing at the end of his hospital bed was so vividly strong it was overpowering and suddenly the imagined changed to Ana on her knees in the middle of street. Everything was silent as he was focused on the sight of her on the floor and suddenly he remembered her falling and landing at his feet in his office doorway. With her apologises spoken and her attitude to her, he realised this was their first meeting and he remembered the interview she had carried out.

Christian's eyes flew open as he was moving and found himself in the openness of the room again. It had imagined his way through and immediately sat up, ready to bolt. Except his mother stopped him again.

"We need to see what the scans say," Grace told him and tried to assert enough authority to make him realise that he had to see what the scans showed.

"Ana, I remember meeting her, mom. I need to go to her," Christian's pace was hasty and his eyes were wide with looking for his quickest escape. "I don't need someone to tell me I'm irreparable, mom. I know there is something wrong and I don't need to be told I will never be right again."

"We'll get you to her," Grace spoke calmly. "For now you need this, Christian. Good news or bad."

"I need Ana," Christian put his hands on his head. He was disconcerted for himself but overwhelmed with his need to get to Ana.

The doctor came over, "Well then let's go and see what your scans say and we can get you back to Ana." He gave a smile and directed the way to a doctor's office where he put Christian's scans up and stood for a moment observing them.

Grace got up to look, "Is there anything evidently wrong?"

"There's some swelling there," The doctor pointed to a place on the scan. "It's not a lot but, it looks like the swelling has slowly been reducing. From the old scans there's no way to say when it started seeing as Christian's were entirely clear. With any blunt force trauma we can never be sure what's going to happen. I mean the acceleration of the brain after the hit was enormous from external examination but, at the time, there was no real brain injury. It seems, Christian, you had a worse traumatic brain injury than we first assumed."

"Well I could have told you that with the headaches I've been getting," Christian mocked, eyes on the door.

The doctor shook his head, "No, I think those are more to be with post-concussion syndrome. You've had it before and sufferers usually have symptoms of it for years. I think you lapsed. What's your attitude been like?"

"Awful, but I think that's more me reverting back to a different me," Christian grumbled as he sat down as if he were a punished child.

"It's not abnormal with head injuries to see mood swing, behavioural changes, personality swaps. It's just the brain coping with the trauma and from the scans there was visibly some swelling that didn't appear in your first and last scan. It's minimal now and almost completely reduced so we do not have that to worry about." The doctor surveyed Christian for a moment or two, "You might find that you begin to settle more and feel less confused and agitated. I'm not going to tell you this is going to fix all problems but you may find your memory comes back. If not completely, from what you've said it's definitely plausible to come back in pieces."

"I remembered everything the other night though," Christian mentioned, remembering how he felt for Ana. "I had sex with my wife instead of hating her and then I was back loathing her. How the fuck does that happen? How do I go from remembering to not remembering?"

"I'd say that's unlikely to happen. Amnesiacs do not simply remember and then decline back like that. If you've been told information about you relationship with Ana by multiple people then you're mind would work those to make you think you had working memories," the doctor spoke with professionalism and could see Christian trying to keep up. "You simply were living the moment of what everyone has told you only for your mind to scare you of it once you took it."

"So I didn't remember?" Christian asked, his tone sinking into a lost boy's whisper as if he had been told Santa wasn't real and the idealism was burst.

The doctor shook his head, "Highly unlikely in my professional opinion."

Grace could see that Christian lost all attention at that point and took over to listening for him. She was going to take him back to Ana's room and get him settled. He needed to rest and with her own shift coming up; Grace wanted him to be here so that she could keep an eye on her son and daughter in-law.

When he got him sat down in Ana's room, she went to tell the family what was happening and she was glad Carrick was there to wrap his arms around her because she needed the comfort. She needed him right now and he was here.

Relinquishing the hold of her husband, she gave everyone a run down on both Ana and Christian and urged them all to go home. Ana wasn't going to be awake properly until the next day and they needed to rest as much as she did. Getting everyone to listen, she went back to do her own last check and found them both sound asleep.

What else could she do? There wasn't anything so she left the pair and decided she could come up during her shift she was sure of that.

Hopefully finding them same situation.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Fifty Degrees of Love -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Christian shot awake in a cold sweat. His nightmare was after him even when he was awake. His heart rate told him that and to make matters worse, this one was different to the others that scarred his dreams.

He had seen a tombstone, words chiselled into the marble in grand, bold lettering saying "Here lies Christian Trevelyan - Grey. Beloved son, brother and fiancé." He had read on as his eyes slid to the right of the stone to lie on a body slumped against it. Next to the stone was a battered and beaten Ana and Christian felt ignited with hatred and anger.

He remembered that sight all too well.

If Stephen Davis wasn't already dead, Christian would've killed him now.

And suddenly Christian remembered seeing Ana for the first time at his parents after coming back from the dead and then his memory jumped. Shaking his head to focus he remembered her scrubbing the floor of blood and he felt worried about what had got them to this spot. He felt like his head was going to explode when he remembered the influx of moments that surrounded those memories.

If this was his memory coming back then he was going to be near death at this rate when they were all back.

Grace back into the room, unable to stay away from the pair for long, at that moment to see Christian shakily get up from his seat. "Christian?" She called out as he looked dazed and as if he was about to collapse.

"Help," He begged her just before his headache got too much and he collapsed to his knees.

The blood dripping from his nose only to splatter against the linoleum floor beneath him.