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A/N: I seem to be lacking with update times =P Blame life! Now enjoy and THANK YOU =)
Fifty Degrees of Love – Chapter Twenty
Grace had gotten Christian up off of the floor and asked a nurse to grab something to help with his headache. She had sat him and just like it started, his nose bleed stopped. Now Christian had told him mother about the tombstone and Grace had admitted to the funeral and everything and Christian remembered everything after waking up in the helicopter. He remembered the hospital and not knowing his own name and then he remembered the nurse that triggered it all and the thought of Ana burst across him like a sun bursting kiss.
And as his headache finally became a dull ache he caught Ana staring at him and it worried him. Ana was agitated. She had awoken to see Christian being helped by his mother as his nose literally ran with blood and even though he was fine, she wasn't sure.
He pushed his mother away and told her to go Ana's aid, he was fine, he didn't need more help.
Grace only went knowing that the nose bleeds and headaches were linked and from his expression, it seemed they were linked to his memories. She was going to leave the pair and go and see the neurologist for a second opinion and give careful observation on her son.
"Ana, you need to lie back down," Grace placed her hands to Ana's shoulders and tried to get her to lie down.
"He needs me," Ana pointed to Christian and struggled to get up. "Christian," She breathed as pain ripped through, "He needs me."
"Ana," Grace's tone tightened, almost sharpening. "You had surgery only hours ago. This is advisable in your state so will you please lie down and allow Christian to get cleaned up and you to rest."
Christian could see Ana's ability to fight back a losing feat and stepped in. He wanted her better, definitely not worse. "Ana, I'm fine," He put his hand up, one covering his nose and mouth to hold the blood and he saw her eyes water – without meaning to he had called her Ana and not Anastasia. "I just need for you to lay back down. It's a nose bleed."
"And a headache," Ana pointed out, knowing how to read her husband like an open book. She pushed herself up a little more," I know how to read you, Christian. I can always tell when something isn't quite right."
Grace, taking a stand, stepped in, "Ana, you need to lay back down," Grace repeated her previous order. "You ended up having major surgery and now you need to rest to recover. I swear to God if you don't listen I will inject your IV."
Giving up with a giggle, Ana gave in and fell back to her pillows and then looked to Christian who was staring at her as if a ghostly apparition was sitting on her bed with her. "What?" She asked warily, waiting for the fall out to begin and him to attack. "What's wrong?"
"I love that noise," He commented weakly and shook his head. "I do love that noise. It's one of my favourite sounds," He stepped closer to her when she nodded at him and he just had to feel her close to him. "That is a heavenly sound, Ana."
"So is hearing you call me Ana," She quipped back and moved a hand to her side. "How much damage is done, Grace?" She pressed on, not wanting to delve too much into a part of her life that seemed to curse her with a lot more pain.
Ana was terrified to give herself to him. If she did and he snapped back faster than a rubber band then she would be left alone in the middle of an apocalyptic fallout. As much as she wanted to believe that Christian was shining through, and she fully believed he was, she couldn't just give her all to lose it all.
She couldn't put faith in the fact that he was here to stay when they had way to prove that all not. She could believe it and love him but, right now, she would leave with the fear of waiting on him to be revolted by the mere thought of her love. She hated the fact but, she had to shield her heart from her own husband.
The one man that loved it most.
Grace slowly lowered to the bed when she noticed Christian's nose bleed was officially over and he seemed more settled than he had in weeks. "There was more stones than we saw on the scans. One had lodged in your ureter and was causing such pressure you weren't far from a ruptured. The doctor had to remove only a small part of the kidney when he took the stones but, the recovery is extended dramatically. We won't know what damage your ureter there is until we get you up and going to the pee on your own again. The catheter has to stay in for a few days or until you stop passing blood so that means no moving around on your own, got it?"
"Got it," Ana mentioned with a smirk and the moved a little to reveal the tube coming from her side and clumsily moved the sheet on her. "So that's for?"
"Draining blood and fluid if necessary," Grace pointed out as simply as possible. "That'll be removed as well when there's no blood. Right now, there's quite a bit which is expected so soon after surgery."
"Great, I'm tied to this bed," Ana mumbled nonchalantly, feeling prisoner.
Christian chuckled, "You usually like that," He mumbled and from the look of mixed horror and amusement on Ana's face he had said the right thing. He had no idea why he wanted to say it but he was compelled to and in his mind ticked another memory. He remembered having her tied and easy to his sexual attacks.
This time that glorious memory ignited across his brain without any nosebleeds or an exacerbated headache.
"Did you just remember something?" Ana asked, even she couldn't hide back the hope that wanted to dance in her tone.
Christian nodded vigorously, "I think so."
"Right I'm going to leave you to speak because I need to get back to work," Grace sighed with a lack of enthusiasm looking to the black strapped watch on her wrist. She wanted them to talk but, she wanted them both to rest. "Christian, are you going to go home tonight or staying here?"
Christian looked up wide eyed at his mom, and then to Ana and he just spoke what his heart wanted more, "I'm staying. I have nowhere else I would rather be."
Giving a bright smile, Grace looked to Ana and knew there was a shining light at the end of this for sure. "Get so sleep please, Ana."
"I will do," Ana whispered back accepting a kiss and seeing Grace leave. She did close her eyes and then hated the piercing silence that clawed at the walls. So she slowly moved her head and looked to Christian who had seemingly fallen into his own heedlessly dangerous thoughts. She hated that there he was, her mercurial man, looking so damaged and confused by the life sitting around him. "Hey," She called out and saw him look over and she could only see sadness in his arms. The monster, the evil Christian wasn't home at the moment. "You can go home you know?"
"You'd like that wouldn't you? I mean, you gave me the chance to divorce you now and leave me so why would you want me here,"
"What?" Ana asked confused and had to press for more, "What are you going on about, Christian?"
Standing up to full height, he began to pace, "Do you really want to grant me a divorce?" Christian asked and he noticed the same look of terror colour her eyes and expression. "When I came into you after the surgery, you told me you you'd give me a divorce to stop this hell." Christian closed his eyes against the pain that began to well with tears in his eyes, "I am so sorry I brought that upon you, Ana. I hate that I made you feel like that. I hate myself for letting you go and being so reckless with the love you were offering me."
Ana racked her brain to the point she began to feel sick like she had since the surgery. She had given him the walk way for a divorce? Oh God, no. Her stomach bottom completely and she felt the blood rush from her face. She didn't want a divorce and now she had given him the perfect opportunity to go ahead and divorce her and their life they had together.
But as Christian spoke up, Ana was more shocked by what else fell from the luscious lips of her husband. She was so shocked she found herself staring intently, trying to keep up.
"Living without you now, Ana, would make me the unhappiest man ever," Christian admitted to her and just felt himself crash and burn right in front of her at the idea of them both losing the fight. He looked at her, his eyes tracing over her as he waited for an explanation but, all he received was a look of confusion and absolute silence.
Ana didn't know what to say as her mind buzzed with the act of trying to find some memory recollection.
"Please speak," Christian begged in a desperate manner, his eyes morphing to beg her to do so.
"I'm sorry," She finally spoke up and saw that Christian took that the wrong back, she raised her hand up to her head, the IV line still stuck to it and she rubbed her forehead to push away the headache she was working up. "I'm actually going to admit that memory loss is amazing right now, because Christian, I barely remember waking up, the only thing I remember is opening my eyes and you were here like I had hope and prayed for. I don't want a divorce. I never did and I never will. I just want my life with you. That's what I wanted all along. I wouldn't want you here
"But you said," Christian spoke up and remembered his mother's own words. She is suffering from the anaesthesia. She's confused and thinking irrationally okay? Christian saw a glimmer of hope because Ana, with a clearer mind, obviously didn't mean it. Or well not all of it, he chided him. "So you don't want a divorce?" He asked and she shook her head slightly. "Or to give up?" Again she shook her head at him. "But you'd do anything to make me happy?" He asked and saw her give a little smile and nod her head as an affirmative. He took a deep breath as he filled her in on her own memory loss, "What about being glad we didn't have a baby like we had planned?"
Ana's heart thudded harder, even the heart monitor proving her inner most physical workings. "That," She bit her lip, "That is true. I would have hated if we had a family and you were to have subjected them to what you did me. Hating me is one thing but, I wouldn't have tolerated you hating them too."
"I'm sorry for that. I understand that the old Christian loved you enough to give a family but, I can't right now. I'm too fucked up, Ana. I'm not ready to share you quite yet." He watched as Ana began to bite down on her lip as he said that and he knew she was seeing a Christian she knew but, he couldn't think. He couldn't focus right now and he knew he had felt what he was right now. "Can you stop biting your lip please?" He asked in a tone heightened by agitation, "I can't handle it. It makes you alluring when you do that. Like you're my siren," He spoke as if he were an insane man trying to find sanity.
"I used to be," Ana admitted remembering how for years he said she called to him – Mind, body and soul. She prayed that this wasn't just a momentary glimpse of the man she loved most.
Putting his hands to his head, Christian had to admit everything he was feeling. Ana had to finally know. "I remember you giving me you for Christmas," Christian spoke softly as he decided to just be confrontational to his emotions and not his wife. "I know I love you. I do. I know that now, Ana." He put his hands to his head and just watched her as she watched him and he stood up and paced. "I'm scared I did too much damage. I'm scared that everything I'm feeling is short lived because you will never be able to trust me again. You'll never want a chance with him," He came to stop by her bed, his chest heaving with the fear that was running rabid and wild through his veins like a disease capturing red blood cells. "You were right, I am a monster and monsters don't deserve to be loved by someone like you."
Ana reached for his hands to quieten him for a moment, "I loved you and your monstrous fifty shade sides once, Mr. Grey. I think you find I have a lot more love to give so I can do it again."
"You would do that?" Christian asked fearfully, his eyes searching the blue orbs staring at him. His soul taking surrender under their full power and he would willingly give up and let a white flag fly to have her love him.
"I would easily walk to the ends of the earth for you, Christian. Haven't you seen I would easily put myself through whatever you said or did and still say I love you at the end of it?" She asked him and gave a small smile, "I love you enough to wait."
Christian felt like a weight was finally lifted from him. The weight that had been pressed onto him when he came to after the assault and the same one that had been carried around since that life changing day.
"Can we start again?" Christian asked, "Can you give me the chance to make a life with you? I want to try. I know I can. I know I can get better," He begged desperately to her, ready to drop to his knees if necessary.
Feeling her heart soar, Ana knew she had to create a boundary. She couldn't jump into the deep end both feet first. She had to take this slow, especially with her in the hospital. "Christian, I want to be with you but, I can't jump back in. We did that the other night and I woke up to find you gone. I just need to protect myself a little until we're both together because right now I can't have you and lose you for a fifth time."
He just nodded. He gulped his understanding and knew he had to stick this out like she had for him if he really wanted a future with Ana.
Christian not only understood Ana's notion of indecision to love him as she always had but, he respected it as well. How could he not? He knew enough of her now to know her shy and tentativeness side were quirks that helped make her the independently driven woman before him. Even though she fought strong, her shy side helped her see rational and think objectively. It was as though it was the part of her brain that made her calculate a situation that would only have a perfect outcome. She fought off of the negative feelings in her and made them into positive, life altering ones with that rationality.
Like now, she was holding off loving him like she once had but, only because he saw her point and accepted it. He understood that there was hope but, there was no rush but, he didn't feel like this could take more than a few apologises and grovelling. This could take years and that thought made his heart sink.
Clasping a hand onto his, Ana looked at him, "Fate always works out for us. Christian, believe in that and you can see that one way or another, you will love me like you used to. Even if I have to spend every day of my life doing so."
"I already think I'm in love with you," He admitted and pulled her hand to his lips before straightening her hand and pressing it to his chest, "I finally feel like I have a heart," He told her as his heart thudded through his chest and into her hand and there was no fraught behaviour to get her hand away.
There was a long way to go but, at least there was faith on their side.
Fate, Christian inward whispered at the idea of familiarity. He knew all about fate. Fate brought us together. It's keeping us together and it will hold us together.