Gryffindor Colors

or

Redheaded Stepfather

A Harry Potter crackfuck

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: M

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Narcissa M., Ron W., Dumbledore; [Roncissa crack]

Summary: The reasoning of pureblood fanatics is incomprehensible to anyone halfway normal, and even Harry Potter is close enough to ordinary to find himself at a loss for how on earth Narcissa Malfoy so suddenly became Mrs. Ronald Weasley. [crackship, crackfic, crack premise; Roncissa, lemon-scented]

WARNING: This fanfic depicts activities of an adult nature between fictional characters. The author of this fic strongly discourages minors from reading this, and also from participating in any and all such activities until they are at the age of majority/consent as defined in the laws or customs of their state or principality.

(...)

"You must have bewitched him. He had to have been under some sort of enchantment!" said Hermione indignantly, glaring at Narcissa.

The older woman gave her a look that oozed an airy sort of smugness.

"You call it an enchantment that made Ron choose to marry me?" Narcissa drawled. "Well, then, I suppose that makes one kind of charm beyond your power, girl."

Ron looked between his friend and his wife—his wife! He still couldn't really grasp it. Since when had the world been so completely mad that he could just wake up one day and find himself married to Draco Malfoy's mum? It was beyond sense.

Harry, sitting beside Ron, looked quite as bewildered as his friend. He was staring into the distance, a expression of utter shock and uncomprehension on his face. He appeared paler than Moaning Myrtle.

They were in the boy's dorm. Seamus, Dean, and Neville had vacated a short while ago in a rush of embarrassment and confusion. Hermione had come running when she heard the commotion they were making, and Harry had met her outside the door. He had only barely been able to explain the situation to her.

Ron and Narcissa were now fully dressed, the latter sitting very close to the former. She was practically in his lap.

Hermione looked mutinous.

"What are you plotting?" she said at last, scowling. "You can't really expect us to believe that you simply up and decided to elope with a sixteen year old boy you'd hardly even exchanged two words with."

"Yet that is the truth," said Narcissa haughtily. "Not the whole truth, perhaps, but it is not false, either."

"What would Voldemort want with Ron?" Harry coolly interjected, a strange light coming into his eyes. Ron and Narcissa cringed at the name. "Why would he order you to seduce him?"

He pointed his wand at Narcissa. His expression was hard and fierce, blazing green eyes as vivid as the curse which had given him his famous lightning bolt scar.

"I am no longer with the Dark Lord," Narcissa said. Although she affected a dismissive tone, there was a hint of unease in her posture. "He is... no longer a safe bet for the future. His servants are in as much danger from him as his enemies are."

"Oh, is that all?" said Hermione rather scornfully. "You didn't have any problem with his methods when he was killing muggles and torturing muggleborns, I'm sure."

"I will not pretend to care about lesser beings," said Narcissa tersely. "My first concern is my family."

"Hermione's my friend," said Ron, looking affronted. "And I don't think my mum and dad would be happy to hear you talking like that."

Narcissa's demeanor instantly changed.

"Oh, but of course, dear. I did not mean to speak unkindly," she simpered. "Naturally, I defer to your judgement. You are my husband, after all, and the head of my house, with all the gold and authority of Black, Malfoy, and Lestrange."

Ron stared at her owlishly. He blinked.

"Er... pardon?"

"Draco and I are the last surviving members of the Black and Malfoy bloodlines," Narcissa smoothly explained. "And as Bella was kind enough to leave all her effects to me in the event of her death..."

"You killed her?" Hermione gasped, her mind working as quickly as ever.

"Of course not," said Narcissa. "I am no murderer. But my sister has not been entirely in possession of her senses for many years, as you can surely guess. I can hardly be blamed if, in a fit of confusion, Bella decided to dry her clothes over fiendfyre. Nor, I am sure, is there anyone to blame for Rodolphus and Rabastan choosing to start that riot in Azkaban." She paused, frowning. "...or for Lucius getting caught in the middle of it."

In saying this last one, Narcissa looked genuinely sad, and she trailed off with a sigh. She leaned close to Ron as though seeking his comfort.

Without thinking, the redhead put his arms around her.

"Er... There, there," Ron whispered. "It's alright."

Harry stared. This scene was utterly bizarre, not least of which in that Ron Weasley was demonstrating genuine sensitivity and tact, let alone to the mother of Draco Malfoy.

Hermione ground her teeth.

Owls swooped over the four long house tables in the Great Hall as students breakfasted. A fair number of the birds carried copies of the Daily Prophet, for which they were paid by the recipients. Titles like Strange Ends of the Lestrange Family, Forest of Dean Ravaged by Fiendfyre Inferno, and Anarchy in Azkaban: Have the Death Eaters Got Free Rein? jumped out from the pages, catching immediate interest.

The hall was soon atwitter with talk of these and other articles, everyone eager for news in the aftermath of the Ministry's recent one-eighty on the topic of You-Know-Who's return. Now that it had come out that Dumbledore and Harry Potter had been right all along, people were naturally devouring any news they could find on Voldemort and his followers, and the papers were more than willing to provide on that front.

Many whispered in awe and morbid curiosity over the dark magic wildfire in which the charred corpse of Bellatrix Lestrange had been discovered, or else of the prison riot in Azkaban that had claimed the lives of several recently captured Death Eaters. Many were heartened to hear of this news, for some of the Dark Lord's most prominent servants were now dead, including his most faithful and fanatical. A few others, however, darkly murmured that these events were suspicious, and wondered indeed if Lord Voldemort hadn't instigated them himself.

"Bellatrix had to have been done in by You-Know-Who," said Terry Boot to his fellow Ravenclaws, jostling his bowl of cereal as he bent in low and conspiratorially over the table. "She was the only other one to escape the Ministry, isn't that right? Whatever they were there to do, it was obviously bungled. I'd say he killed her for mucking up, then brought her body to the forest and cast fiendfyre to get rid of it."

"He didn't do a very good job of that, then, did he?" said Michael Corner, listening in. "If he wanted to destroy the evidence. Nah, I think he meant for her body to be found. It was probably a scare tactic. If You-Know-Who is willing to kill his most loyal servant, then who's to say what he might do to his enemies?"

Most of those listening to this exchange shivered.

One, however, did not.

"Don't be silly," said Luna Lovegood in her usual dreamy tone. "Clearly Fudge sent his army of heliopaths to silence Bellatrix after she found out about his plot to take over Gringotts. He did a rather sloppy job of it, too. Daddy was able to get a picture of one of the heliopaths before the Ministry could round them all back up."

Cheerfully she produced a copy of the Quibbler, on the front page of which could be seen a photograph of beast-shaped tongues of flame dancing in a blackened, denuded canopy. Cho Chang turned to examine this, tearing a quizzical gaze from the Gryffindor table. She frowned.

"Isn't that fiendfyre, though?" Cho whispered a little tentatively. She wasn't entirely sure how to address Luna between the girl's abject weirdness and recent involvement in the break in at the Ministry, finding it more difficult than ever to classify the dotty blonde.

Luna gave Cho a vaguely pitying sort of smile, the kind that one might give to somebody dear but very stupid. She shook her head.

"No, that's just the story put out by the Ministry to hide the truth," Luna said. "Fiendfyre, swamp gas, blast-ended skrewts—they use all kinds of excuses to cover up what really happens. Daddy sees right through it, though."

Cho smiled uncertainly while Terry and Michael edged a little bit away from Luna. The blonde seemed obliviously happy, and she stowed the Quibbler back away with a small nod.

Over at the Hufflepuff table, Ernie Macmillan was regaling his housemates with lots of impressive talk.

"Naturally, I would have gone straight to the Ministry with them, had I known," he said pompously. "Potter's a good chap, and didn't I always say he and Dumbledore had the right of it? Harry was doubtless pressed for time, or else I am sure he would have contacted me at once to come help."

Zacariah Smith rolled his eyes.

"I wouldn't have been so eager to rush off with them, personally," he said. "It was one thing to prepare for our defense practicals in the OWLs, but gallivanting about and getting into fights with Death Eaters and You-Know-Who? Whether he was right or not, you can't deny that Potter's got a temper. The six of them were in some pretty sorry states when they got back, and I think it's rather fishy that Umbridge has been in the hospital wing ever since."

"If they had anything to do with the old hag getting hospitalized, then I say they deserve special awards for services to the school," interjected Susan Bones. "Maybe even an Order of Merlin. But Umbridge was found in the Forbidden Forest, wasn't she? I can believe that cow being stupid enough to just wander in there by herself and run afoul of the acromantula colony."

Hannah Abbot shuddered and gave Susan a shove. "Don't even joke about that!" she cried. "It would be simply HORRIBLE if there really were giant, man-eating spiders in the forest!"

Susan shrugged, smiling amusedly.

The Slytherin table was decidedly tenser and quieter than the other three. At least a few of the students there had relatives among the recently killed or captured Death Eaters, and Draco looked especially pale.

"Sorry to hear about your father," had said a few less than sympathetic upperclassmen, and some sniggering juniors too. Draco's core acquaintances were more supportive, but they could only cheer him up so much.

Lucius Malfoy had been killed on the Dark Lord's orders. This was what many of the Slytherins believed, especially those who had Death Eater relatives. It was unsurprising to those with any knowledge of the Dark Lord's ways, or of how Lucius had failed his master before. He had been all but marked for death.

More disconcerting was the apparent execution of Bellatrix Lestrange. It was well known that she had probably been the most loyal and powerful of the Dark Lord's followers, and fanatically devoted to his cause. That she would be killed for one failure, however large, when she had so many years of service to her credit was undeniably disturbing.

But what probably had Draco the most upset was something his housemates had thankfully not yet noticed. They did not, after all, regularly make a habit of examining his laundry. And this was fortunate, for he did not doubt that they would show their amusement loudly and openly if they had seen that the Draco Malfoy embroidered inside his robes had been changed, seemingly overnight, to Draco Weasley.

The Gryffindor table, for its part, was so raucous and busy that not many noticed the odd looks on the faces of Neville, Dean, and Seamus. What was noticed was the absence of Harry Potter, and by association the similar absences of Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. There was as much murmuring about this as about the articles in the Daily Prophet.

Hardly anyone noticed a small piece, barely a paragraph long, announcing that service at Gringotts had recently slowed, and that Dirk Cresswell (head of the Goblin Liason office) attributed the growing backlog to increased security measures.

Narcissa and her husband had stayed in Gryffindor tower to have breakfast there. Ron was still trying to get used to the idea that he was married, although Narcissa's attentions and whispered nothings certainly made him amenable to it, and they did not want to make a scene in the Great Hall.

Harry had volunteered to fetch some food from the kitchens under his invisibility cloak, obviously eager to put some space between himself and the pair. Hermione stayed behind, refusing to leave Ron and Narcissa alone together.

"I don't want to draw undue attention," Narcissa said by way of explanation, smiling at Ron in a way that made her visage appear doubly fair and striking.

Hermione snorted, still disinclined to like or sympathize with the woman.

"Yes, and you've certainly done a fine job of that," she said scathingly.

Ron frowned, unsure whether or not to feel incensed on Narcissa's behalf. He thought about it for a moment, and was about to open his mouth to say something when she stopped him.

"I'll admit it. I was hasty," said Narcissa fairly. "But I couldn't bear to keep myself away from Ronald any longer. I dearly wished to join him."

"To entrap him, you mean?" Hermione sourly retorted.

"He said yes of his own accord," said Narcissa calmly, but with an edge of frostiness in her voice now. "You can't deny that, even if you want to. The spells would not have worked, otherwise."

"Spell?" Ron parroted confusedly.

"The Trothplight and Consumation Charms," said Narcissa. "Those are all you really need for a magical common law marriage, you know, and since the Dark Lord knew by then that I had abandoned his cause, it would have been reckless of me to arrange a formal wedding ceremony. The quicker and more private, the better."

Hermione scowled, her eyes flashing. She glared at the matching iron bands on Ron and Narcissa's fingers. The runes on the rings weren't anything special: they merely identified the bearers and their wedded status. If these rings held any other properties, then they were legal and not magical.

"Why the rush to get married, though?" Hermione wondered aloud. "And why Ron?"

"Not for his money, I assure you," said Narcissa wryly, quirking her lips. Ron laughed.

"And not looks, either?" said Hermione.

"That was a factor, actually," Narcissa replied. She smiled sidelong at Ron, who blushed. "A considerable factor, indeed, although not the only one."

Hermione blinked quizzically. She frowned and gave Ron an odd, searching look, as if trying to find some proof that Narcissa's claim could be at all credible. Her expression was slightly incredulous, but her cheeks went a little pink the longer she stared at Ron.

At length, she looked away and weakly shrugged it off.

"Well, whatever the reason," Hermione soldiered on, "I still can't say I approve of this. I know how the Trothplight Charm works, and the Consumation Charm is obvious just from its name." Her expression curdled, and she gave both Ron and Narcissa a filthy look. "They have to be performed during coitus."

Narcissa smiled and nodded serenely, not seeming even remotely abashed.

Ron blinked.

"Huh?" he said intelligently.

"During sex," Narcissa clarified. "Ideally, just before or after climax."

Ron's complexion become a scarlet to rival the vibrance of his fiery hair.

"Oh."

"Yes," Hermione said bitingly. "'Oh.' You slept with her."

Her tone was almost accusatory, and Ron couldn't help responding defensively.

"I-I thought it was a dream!" he spluttered.

Hermione was little mollified by this, but Narcissa sighed and squeezed Ron's hand, a dreamy smile flitting across her lips.

"Ah, yes. It was like a dream for me, too," she simpered, planting a kiss on Ron's cheek.

Hermione seethed.

A/N: Obviously, the pairing of this fic is Roncissa for better or worse, but considering how much Ron and Hermione's friendship was increasingly defined by the unresolved sexual tension between them as the books progressed, to pretend that there wouldn't be any drama from Ron suddenly hitching wagons with someone else at the end of book five would be supremely silly. Or something like that.

Also, it was a pleasant surprise for me to see the response this got. I know Ron is a disproportionately unpopular character in HP fandom, however much he is one of my personal favorites. Or at least, a lot of people either like Ron or hate him. And most of those who like him, it seems, do so chiefly to ship him with Hermione (which was admittedly one of my two HP OTP's for as long as I can remember, since before I even knew what shipping was).

So it was nice to see the first chapter of this crackfic in which Ron is 1.) a main character, and 2.) paired with Narcissa, get exclusively positive reviews. Hopefully, you guys will continue to enjoy it. :D

Updated: 3-24-16

TTFN and R&R!

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