Chapter 65: Not Okay
Nigel ended the Skype call, and closed the lid on his laptop. He didn't know what hurt more, the thought of Kurt touching someone else or the thought of someone else touching Kurt. Both images were heart hurting painful. He couldn't seem to stop his mind from creating tormenting pictures. The same impulse that made you keep probing at a sore tooth, kept him flashing on scenes that he really didn't want to see. He wished it was only a toothache. This kind of pain wasn't anything that Advil could fix!
Staring in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, he told himself to stop being such a wuss. This didn't mean anything. Kurt loved him. Climbing into bed, he told himself that this was exactly what he wanted for Kurt. Tossing and turning in the 900 thread count, 100 percent cotton sheets that Kurt had picked out, he told himself that Kurt had only done what he had practically told him to do. None of the things that Nigel told himself, managed to delete the pain.
Finally, in the early hours of the morning, Nigel found a way to stop the cruel pictures in his head. He blocked every image of Kurt and this Denis guy, with one of himself and Kurt. Thinking of his Kurt, of his smile, and his touch, Nigel fell asleep.
Kurt ended the Skype call, and closed the lid on his laptop. Staring in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, he wondered how long it would take to grade the design projects. They might only be worth 5% but, he really wanted to do well this semester. Climbing into bed, he fell asleep the same way he did every night, counting the days until Boston and Nigel.
A vaguely menacing dream woke him up; all grey mists and unknown dangers. He felt along the edge of the night table for his phone. 3:48 AM. He curled around his pillow and told himself to go back to sleep.
Fifteen minutes later, he was staring at the ceiling, an insistent hum of disquiet keeping him awake. What had he forgotten? What had he done, or not done? The design project was finished. His next paper wasn't due till Tuesday. He had promised Rachel that he would go to her Winter Showcase, but that was still a week away. He had talked to his dad and Carole yesterday, and of course he had Skyped Nigel.
He thought Nigel, and there on the large screen in his head, with sickening HD like clarity, was the blank, frozen mask that hours earlier had looked out at him from his computer screen. A mask purporting to be his Nigel. It was so fucking obvious! How could he have not seen it? Nigel had lied. He was not okay with Kurt's hook-up. He was hurt and he was hiding it. Totally unacceptable! He was absolutely not allowed to keep something this important from Kurt.
Kurt was pissed, and scared, which of course, made him even more furious. They had already had this argument, back at the beginning of senior year when Nigel had kept all his anxiety about graduating and finding a job to himself. Apparently, his boyfriend needed a refresher course on sharing! When was that man going to learn that they were a team?
Kurt threw the covers off, and stalked to the washroom. He brushed his teeth, took the fastest shower ever, and towel dried his hair. No gel, no blow-dryer, he didn't even take the time to run a comb through it. Nothing was important except getting to Nigel.
"Kurt? What are you doing? What time is it?" Rachel's voice was cloudy with sleep.
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
He pulled on the first pair of jeans he found, added a T-shirt and hoodie, and shoved his feet into socks and boots. He stuffed underwear, socks and T-shirt into his messenger bag with his laptop, grabbed his wallet and phone, snagged his winter coat off the coat rack, and slid the industrial door open. Ten minutes later he was in a cab on his way to La Guardia.
US Airways flight 2114 landed at Logan International Airport right on time; 7:03 AM. Apparently, the universe supported Kurt's imperative to get to his boyfriend as soon as possible. Sitting in yet another taxi, Kurt pulled out his phone.
To: Denis (Mobile) To: Sarah (Mobile) Hey, guys, I won't be in class today. Be prepared to talk me through whatever I'm missing ;)
To: Rachel (Mobile) I'm in Boston. I'm fine. Don't freak out. Be back tomorrow.
Slipping his phone away, Kurt stared unseeing at the rush hour traffic. His right foot beat a restless tattoo into the floor of the cab, as he tried to contain the anxious energy swirling through him. Sitting through a red light, he checked his watch. It was still early, but his father would be awake. When congress was in session, Burt liked to check the morning papers before he got to the office. He was a major proponent of 'forewarned is forearmed.' Kurt pulled out his phone again. A text wasn't going to be enough for Burt.
"Dad."
"Well this can't be good."
"Everything's fine. I just wanted to tell you that I'm in Boston. I used the emergency credit card to pay for the flight. I'll pay you back."
"You okay?"
"Yes."
Burt heard the tension in Kurt's voice. "Nigel okay?"
"No." Kurt rushed into speech before his father started calling hospitals. "He's upset, and he's trying to tell me he's not. I can't allow that, Dad."
"Kurt, no one shares everything. No matter how much you love each other. Relationships are an uneasy balance between sharing and privacy."
"I get that, Dad, I do. But I can't let Nigel pretend that everything's fine. If we're not honest with each other, this long distance thing is never going to work." Kurt clenched his hand around his phone. "And Dad, it has to work. I'm not losing Nigel."
Kurt held the door for Mrs. Ferand, as she grappled with both her cane and the leash that never quite managed to control her miniature poodle. "Good morning."
"Good morning, young man." Mrs. Ferand picked the yapping bundle up, and stroked its curls. "You haven't been around lately."
"I'm at school in New York, now. I'm just visiting."
"New York, busy place. Too busy for me for me and my angel." She bent and set her angel down on the pavement. "Enjoy your visit."
"I will. Thanks." Kurt watched to make sure the door didn't close on her cane, and then crossed the lobby and hit the elevator button.
Nigel poured coffee into a mug, while he waited for the toast to pop. The doorbell rang, and he glanced at the digital read out on the stove, 7:58. None of his friends or colleagues ever came over without calling first, and none of them would show up this early in the morning. Puzzled frown in place, he put his mug down, and walked to the front door. Could be the super, maybe they were turning off the water again, just great!
He twisted the lock, and opened the door. "Kurt?" Nigel stood frozen until reality bled through the shock. "Kurt!" He reached out and pulled Kurt into the apartment. "What are you doing here? Are you okay? What's wrong?" Nigel's hands fluttered over Kurt's shoulders and arms looking for some kind of injury.
Kurt captured Nigel's hands, and held them still between them. "You lied to me."
"I did not." Nigel shook his head in protest and tugged at his hands, but Kurt refused to release them. "I wouldn't lie to you. What are you talking about?"
Kurt searched his lover's eyes. Nigel was perfectly sincere, and absolutely baffled. Apparently, his Boston Banker did not think that pretending he was fine, when he was anything but, was a lie. They so had to talk!
Kurt let Nigel go, and nodded towards the couch. "Sit!"
Kurt sat, one leg curled under him, facing his boyfriend. "Last night, on Skype, you pretended you were okay with the hook-up." Kurt glared at Nigel. "You're not okay, you're hurt." Kurt tried to stay calm but his voice rose in spite of his best intentions. "And you didn't tell me!" Kurt was adamant. "That's it, Nigel. We're not doing this anymore. I'm not going to 'experiment'." Kurt's distaste for the word was visceral. "Not if it's going to hurt you like this."
Nigel jumped to his feet, his own voice rising. "God damn it, Kurt! That's why I didn't tell you. I want this."
Without even thinking about it, Kurt was on his feet, not quite screaming at his boyfriend. "How the fuck can you say that? I saw your face, Nigel. You looked broken." Kurt paced, and turned back to glare at his man. "I was so uncomfortable telling you, that I didn't even notice how hurt you were until I woke up in the middle of the night and all I could see was your face on that fucking screen." He closed the distance between them, pulling Nigel close. "I'm so, so sorry. I should have seen it right away."
"Kurt." Nigel whispered Kurt's name, locked his hand in the younger man's hair, and pulled his boyfriend into a kiss. A fire fueled by hurt, and remorse, and the fear of losing what they had, burned between them. Mouths hot and needing, they held each other too tight, creating bruises and not caring.
Nigel pulled away. "Later, we can talk later, please."
Kurt traced circles around the red marks he had left on Nigel's chest. "You're late for work."
"Yeah." Nigel's hand stroked over Kurt's hip. "I should call."
Kurt moved out of Nigel's arms, and curled into a cocoon of blankets. Nigel leaned over the edge of the bed, and searched through the discarded clothes, feeling for his phone. "It's here somewhere … hah!"
Phone in hand, he stretched out on his side, and dialed the office. "Sharon? Yeah, I know."
Kurt watched as Nigel nodded. "I won't be in today. I'll look into it tomorrow. Yeah, thanks." Nigel ended the call, and dialed his voice mail. "This is Nigel Dennison. I will be out of the office all day. If you need immediate help, please contact Sharon Baitner at extension 6824." He hit end call, and tossed his phone back onto the floor. "Done."
Kurt took Nigel's hand, rubbing his thumb over the pulse point on the back of his boyfriend's wrist. "Ready to talk now?"
"No." Nigel curled into Kurt's body.
Kurt dropped a kiss into Nigel's hair. "Yes." Kurt pushed back against the headboard, and settled himself among the pillows. "Nigel, you can't possibly still think that this 'being single thing' is a good idea."
Nigel sat up, the sheets pooled in his lap, one hand closed around Kurt's ankle. "Am I jealous? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Thinking of you with anyone else is fucking torture."
Kurt's face reflected Nigel's pain. He moved to pull Nigel into a hug, but Nigel backed away. "Do I still want to do this, give you this year without me? Yes."
"Why?" Kurt didn't understand any of this. "It doesn't make any sense."
How could he explain this? "Kurt, how did you feel, with Denis?"
Kurt looked away, remembering. Dior! Was it only last night? "It was good." Kurt searched his boyfriend's face and decided that he had to be as honest as he expected Nigel to be. "It was exciting being with someone new." Kurt flushed but he didn't try to hide anything from his lover. "It was hot." Kurt traced the line of Nigel's lips with one finger. "It was fun, but it didn't mean anything. I don't love him."
Nigel turned his head and kissed the finger against his lips. "But you wanted him."
"Yes." Kurt ghosted his hand down Nigel's side. "But I can't keep hurting you. I won't."
"Try to understand. I don't want you missing out on anything this year." Nigel shifted closer to Kurt, and took one of his hands in his own. "If I had let you apply to a school in Boston last year, you wouldn't know what it's like to discover New York. You walk 5th Ave. every day now, Kurt and you love it." Green eyes stared into crystal. "We talk every night. I see how excited you are with the city, and your courses, and the friends you're making. I want all of it for you."
"Okay, you were right about following you to Boston." Kurt's lips twitched into a teasing smile. "I was wrong. Happy?" He played with Nigel's fingers as he talked. "I love the city, I love Parsons. Even if I do get accepted into NYADA next semester, I don't think I'll transfer. I even like living with Rachel." Kurt rolled his eyes. "Drama Queen extraordinaire! But the 'experimenting' thing, I don't need to do that."
"Kurt, you take care of me. You try to give me everything I need." A small secret smile tipped one side of Nigel's mouth. "Sometimes you give me what I don't even know I need."
"Nigel, you do the same for me. You know that."
"I try. Let me give you this. Consider it a holiday, time for yourself. Until summer break, you don't have to think of anyone but you. Kurt, it was good with Denis, right?"
Kurt nodded. "Yeah."
"If I would have asked you, even last month, if that was possible you would have said no. I need you to know all the possibilities."
Kurt threw his hands up, exasperated. "How the fuck can I do anything like that? Not anymore, not when I know it hurts you."
Nigel grabbed Kurt's flying hands. "You can. Because I can handle the jealousy, what I can't handle is you missing out on anything because of me."
Kurt stared at his boyfriend, and saw the implacable posture, the conviction. "Two years, Nigel, two years and this is what you choose to get stubborn about!"
Nigel laughed; his eyes bright behind the black frames of his glasses. "Yes, because fifteen years from now, when we're pushing 40 and we're sitting in a restaurant together, and the waiter is young and hot. I want you to be able to look across the table at me, and smile, remembering that you had your time with hot, young strangers." He dragged Kurt down and straddled him, eyes laughing. "So you better get busy, because your grace period ends the minute I transfer to New York."