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Vale of Tears
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CHAPTER 38.
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Draco followed Hermione to the balcony that was adjacent to the ballroom. Dinner had been quite good and Hermione had claimed to have no room for dessert and had wandered off to the balcony for some exercise and fresh air.
"Here." Draco said balancing the sorbets in his hand. "I got you something light."
"Thanks Draco." Hermione said, accepting her sorbet. "You didn't have to."
"I wanted to." He shrugged as he leaned against the railing and surveyed the woman he was closest to yet so far away from him.
Minutes passed in companionable silence. It wasn't the heavy, hovering kind of silence. But a comfortable one between two people who had seen and been through a lot together and still had no need to fill everything between them with words.
After a few more moments Draco stretched and cracked his knuckles out of habit. Hermione winced at the sound. "Draco, you know that noise gives me the creeps! Besides, it's not really good to constantly subject your bones to such pressure to relieve your kinks."
"But it's relieving." He argued, pouting.
"Not necessarily good though." She argued back. "You need to keep your bones in good condition. For Quiddditch at least."
Draco chuckled throatily, amused at her Slytherin way of manipulating him into getting rid of his bad habit. "You'll make a fantastic mum someday Hermione." He said silently.
Hermione stiffened when she heard that. A couple of times, patients and nurses had said the same thing to her. But they were unrelated people. She had maintained stoic gratitude and thought nothing of it till she was alone. In the privacy of her cabin, she had broken down and cried. Cried for Ron, who had been prematurely deprived of his life; cried for herself and also for the unborn child that could have been, had she not been stubborn about her career.
After that, she would only periodically think of the future that she could have had but didn't. She hadn't thought about it until she had found the rattle and after that she hadn't thought about it until today when she had spoken to Harry.
Draco saying it in passing was probably the last straw. He didn't know about Hermione's guilt when it came to the topic of babies. She hadn't spoken about it to him. There wasn't any way he would have known that it was a sensitive topic for her but from her body language at the statement he made, he realised that saying it was a huge mistake.
He was berating himself and panicking at the same time in his head when Hermione breathed a deep strangled type of teary breath like she was trying to prevent a panic attack.
Draco took her hand in his and looked at her urgently. Her eyes had pooled up and were full of fat, saturated drops that were threatening to fall from the confines of her lids.
"Hermione?" He asked in a choked voice. "I'm sorry love. I didn't mean to.. I'm so terribly sorry.. It just was a ... I promise you it was supposed to be funny. Please love!" He babbled in panic.
Hermione barely registered what he was saying. She was trembling by now, her hands clutching the banister so tight that her knuckles were pale as marble. She wasn't crying, which in Draco's opinion, would have been better. He could somewhat handle a crying Hermione but this; he had no idea what to do. She was shaking and taking deep breaths and was stiff like she was having a seizure. She had an anguished look on her face and a few stray strangled sobs escaped her mouth.
"Hermione? Hermione? Please love! What's happening? Look at me!" He all but yelled, shaking her shoulders.
He was on full panic mode by now and was seriously considering going in and calling for help. The ballroom was full of Healers. Surely someone would know what was going on with her. He was wondering how to go in to fetch help without leaving Hermione unattended when he heard her make a loud sob and her rigid body collapsed.
Luckily his arms were around her already, so he was able to hold her before she fell. She went limp in his arms and broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. She seemed to be out of her shocked, seizure like state and looked normal now.
As normal as an inconsolable, crying woman would be. Draco inwardly thanked Merlin for the change in her disposition. At least she wasn't unresponsive as she had been earlier and he wasn't as clueless as he had been either.
"Sshh. Hermione." Draco said in her ear, trying to be as calm as he could. "It's okay. It's okay. I have you. I'm really sorry. But please ..."
He held her close and she had his arms in an iron grip, holding him closer than he was holding her. He rubbed her back soothingly. It didn't look like she was ready to go back anytime soon inside and Draco thought it would be prudent to just take her home and try to get her to feel better.
He quickly sent Harry a patronus telling him that he and Hermione were going back home and not to worry and come back whenever they wished to.
Having done that, he held her closer and apparated them to his flat.
Hermione had slowed down by now and she was crying silently. Draco conjured a glass of water and handed it to her as he directed her towards the couch. She refused to even look at the glass. Draco tried tipping it to her lips and forcing some water into her mouth.
She barely had a sip and shook her head. She had stopped shaking but she was still crying. Draco was cursing himself. He had never ever before now upset her so much as she was now. Sure, he had hurt her and angered her in the past; even when they were friends, but never had she reacted in this way. Unknowingly, Draco had touched a nerve and a very sore one at that.
He couldn't even begin to explain how wretched he felt at the moment. He had prided himself at the fact that he was Hermione's comic relief. He always made her laugh and feel better. He wanted to be the one who could keep her happy always and never be the cause of her grief or let any sadness touch her. And now he had gone and done just that.
"Hermione please ..." Draco pleaded, with obvious pain stretched across his face. He didn't know what he could do to make her stop and feel better.
His chest was constricting at the sight of her breaking in front of him. He couldn't bear to see her thus. Every moment she spent sobbing, every tear that fell, was driving a dagger through his beaten heart.
She collapsed onto his chest, fisting his robes and hiding her face into his chest. He enveloped her protectively. Nothing he was saying was getting through to her. Maybe she needed to just cry it out and let it out of her system. It would probably be therapeutic. And he would be there for her.
They had made such progress in the past two months. He had succeeded in getting her out of her shell. She had laughed and joked around with him and had also re-connected with her family and friends. Things were going smoothly and now... This!
Clearly there were plenty of unresolved issues that Draco had not considered. The healing process wasn't as straightforward as he had imagined. He had thought it would be long but he hadn't anticipated a road block once he had started succeeding.
Whatever it was would surely come to an end. Hermione would eventually get tired of crying and however long it took, he would be there with her.
He hated himself for being the cause of her agony but thankfully she wasn't pushing him away.
They sat like this for an excruciatingly long time, Draco's front robes completely wet by now. She didn't relinquish her hold on him and when she did, she looked up into his eyes.
Draco couldn't figure out what he saw in them. There was a mixture of weakness, insecurity, a need... For what he didn't know. A need to be free of her demons or the need to accept, the need to leave everything behind and start over.. The need to be rid of many things.
It was one of the very few times when he couldn't decipher what she needed. What she wanted.
He looked at her apologetically and opened his mouth to say something but never got the chance to because that very moment she moved closer and raised her head to meet his lips. Her lips were never tentative, as Draco had imagined them to be in his various fantasies. There was a surety in the union that scared him.
His hands on her back froze and the shock he was feeling was showing by the fact that inspite of wanting this for years, he was unable to respond.
But Hermione never seemed to detect his uncertainty. Instead of moving away as she normally would, she pushed herself closer to him with an almost furious quality.
A normal Hermione would never do this, Draco thought as he laughed humourlessly in his head.
He was about to disengage himself from her because he was sure this wasn't what she wanted. Had she been lucid she would never do this.
Even though it was something he wanted since a long time, this wasn't the way he wanted it.
He knew when she would come to her senses; she would be mortified at what she had done. He didn't want to add this to the list of her worries.
With great difficulty, he decided to do the gentlemanly thing and tried separating herself from him. He had to use some force but finally he did manage to separate her from his lips.
She looked at him with hurt evident in her eyes. He didn't need to speculate that.
He saw vulnerability and rejection and confusion all at the same time on her face.
His heart broke at the look on her face.
If this was what doing the right thing did to her then screw it. He didn't care whether it was wrong. He didn't care that his conscience was screaming to him that he would regret it later. He knew that from an outside perspective it seemed like taking advantage of her. He could stop this before it escalated to proportions that couldn't be mended. He was in his senses, she wasn't. She couldn't be held responsible for her actions but that didn't mean he had the green signal for it. He had to be the mature one of the two.
He was torn. He knew she was in a delicate place now. And rejecting her would scar her more.
But letting it happen would leave new bruises that their friendship didn't require.
It was like choosing between the devil and the deep sea. Each had their consequences and nothing seemed to be the correct action.
He dared a look at her face again, and although his indecision had barely taken seconds, he felt like she had been looking like that at him for eternity.
One look at her and his mind blanked out as he leaned in and continued what she had started.
Luckily in her state, Hermione had barely registered the indecision on his part, and she fervently kissed him as if he had never pushed her away.
Draco's heart cried at the passion she was pouring out. While he had dreamed of this, he almost broke at the irony. She was hurt and weak and vulnerable and in such a state she was seeking him out. She would never want him in her lucid state. And even though his head was screaming at how wrong this was, his heart felt that it couldn't have been more right.
Years or wanting that had broken his heart was mending itself now and the current situation was crushing it. There was no escape.
Hermione entered his mouth ruthlessly to his shock, but the pleasure replaced any other feelings as she guided him to a reclining position on his couch and proceeded to straddle him.
Being the ladies' man that he was, he was always the first one to make a move and never shy of taking things forward. But now, he was petrified at Hermione's forwardness. Elated, but terrified.
She left his lips and moved on to the hollow behind his ears, causing him to grunt in appreciation. She left a very wet path from his ear to his neck and Draco tightened his hold into her hair, ridding her of the jewelled clip she was wearing. Her wavy curls covered her face but not before he could see the urgency and impatience on her face.
Before he knew it, his dress shirt was halfway open and she was continuing her way across his perfectly sculpted, hairless chest.
He couldn't hold it any longer. With a loud guttural moan, he flipped her and was atop her in seconds as he crashed his lips upon hers and she met him with renewed passion as she proceeded to completely get him out of his robes.
There were no thoughts going on in his mind as she struggled to free herself of the very dress that she didn't even feel like getting out of at the shop where she had purchased it. Draco helped her out of it, not once did his lips leave her skin while doing that and even if they had, Hermione would hear nothing of it. She kept every inch of herself glued to him as if she couldn't get close enough.
All the years of staying apart created a longing that they no longer had any hold over at the moment.
The only coherent words that Draco could manage repetitively before he was clouded over by unimaginable bliss was; "I love you Hermione. I Love you. So much."
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Ummmm ... Yeah...
Bet you didn't expect that.
Thoughts?
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