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I know the last update was rather short. But I really wanted to include a Draco POV without overshadowing it with the rest of the story.
So Draco had only that much on his mind before he gave in and went to bed. But Hermione surely will have more to think about.
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CHAPTER 40.
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Hermione Granger's POV :
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I smiled in my semi awake state as I relished the transition between sleepiness and wakefulness. Usually, my wand would ring an alarm at the time I had set the previous night and I would be up in a moment.
But I woke on my own today. Maybe the mild ray of sunlight that was sneaking its way in through the blinds could be held responsible, but I doubted it. I had always been an early riser, mostly due to inability to get or maintain sleep and I was always tired when I woke.
But today was different. All of last two months had been different but today as the wakefulness slowly started taking precedence over my sleepiness, I realised, for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like getting out of bed.
I didn't particularly want to fall asleep again but I was content just snuggling into my pillow and covers and just being there. There was a very serene feeling about today that spread a very feel good warmth through my body right into my soul.
I felt so much in place. So comfortable. So warm. I wouldn't want to move an inch from where I was.
I sighed a happy sigh and tried opening my eyes. They were still fighting me, although I was almost up, well not awake enough to jumpstart the day but enough to not to go back to sleep.
I hadn't felt so alive in many days and for some reason even though my brain was telling me to stop lazing around and start the day with fruitful activities; I couldn't help but just revel in the moment.
The feeling of completeness, the warmth and security, was new but welcome nonetheless. I stretched my neck and consequently my arms. Or at least I tried to. I was restricted by something heavy over me. Something that held me snug in place.
Come to think of it, my bed had both sides open. It was not against a wall. Then why was my back pressed against a solid object like a wall?
Confused, I willed my eyes to open a bit more and my head to start clearing so I could think properly. Although I was immensely enjoying my current position and the non pragmatic part of my brain kept telling me to quit it and just snuggle back into my newfound comfort, the usual voice of reason that resided in me won over and I tried getting a hang of what was around me.
Before I could even sit up, my mind had cleared of the morning haze considerably and maybe because I was trying so hard, a plethora of memories came gushing into my consciousness.
I remembered being upset before the Ball, but Harry and Ginny tried cheering me up. The gown actually did wonders to my self esteem and I even enjoyed dancing with Draco.
Draco ... Merlin ! Draco !
I had sobbed all night and ...
Was it a dream? It could be. It had to be.
What with Draco Malfoy constantly being in my thoughts lately, especially his hair and smile and the unnaturally warm grey eyes that wrinkled when he smiled. I still wasn't used to his smiling face. I couldn't believe how much I had missed it and how much I was drawn to it.
Granted, I had been thinking about him a lot. But did my thoughts creep into my subconscious and make their way into my dreams?
I could feel the warmth of blood creeping along my neck on my face. I didn't need a mirror to confirm how red I must have gone. My thoughts were proof enough. I had never had such vivid dreams about Draco before. I may have thought up such scenarios and wished for them to happen. But never had I dreamed about it.
Then why now?
Enough. I think I needed to open the curtains. Maybe some light and some coffee was what I needed to start making sense of this all.
I tried to sit up. Again. But in vain. Now that I was more aware, I started panicking about an arm shaped object right across my waist, draped against my hip. I could hear my heart pounding dangerously into my ears and I felt like I was being hauled up high above the ground and my ears got blocked to all the extraneous sounds around me and I was only able to make out my highly augmented palpitations by now.
In slow motion, I braved my fears and turned my head to find the owner of the arm like object. There was a bundled up mass right next to me which appeared to be covered by the duvet too.
Not really wanting to, I shifted a bit higher and got my arms out of the duvet so I could remove it completely. I glimpsed a shock of pale blond hair peeking through the covers and I froze.
No...
No! Godric no...
It couldn't be.
It was a dream.
I kept staring at the head. Suddenly I was overpowered by curiosity. I lifted the duvet slightly off my chest and I gasped.
I wasn't wearing anything. That did nothing to quell my increasing fear. Pushing myself a bit more, I raised the duvet, to reveal a lean body sleeping on its stomach, its face buried into a pillow.
I dropped the comforter like it was a hot brick. My chest was heaving inwardly by now and the pressure in my ears was threatening to burst.
Before I could think more, the body groaned and made a sleepy noise. Even though I had a large inkling as to who it could be, I still looked over, trying to discern the face. I didn't have to wait long. He turned over and lazily flipped himself on his side and bringing me closer to himself with his draped arm around me by that action.
My pounding heart stopped beating immediately. Even though I knew, seeing Draco in the same bed as me, entwined in the same sheets as me, unclothed; just like me, was enough to stop my beating heart.
I silently gasped and the breath left my lungs.
The dream wasn't a dream anymore. Fresh visuals invaded my senses. I closed my eyes and cringed as I remembered the look on his shocked face when I had kissed him. I remembered him hesitating when I wanted to further things. Was it that unpalatable, the idea of us together; that he wanted to stop right there?
I mean I know he loved me in school. But that was a long time ago. And the chapter closed before it could be even read. He had been the one to close it. Maybe he had realised that it was better to be friends. And it was true. I don't blame him. It was better to be friends.
I know for a fact that he loves me dearly. He would do anything for me. Literally anything. And these two months were a testament to it. But I also knew that our love was limited to a platonic level. He held me in high esteem and loved me as much as platonic love could hold true.
That's it. Nothing more. I don't know why he didn't stop me last night. It looked like he objected to it. I was in my senses, well for all intents and purposes, I was vulnerable; but I was sober. He could have tried talking sense into me. I would have understood. I would have stopped.
But did I want to? The redundant voice of reason asked me quietly.
I didn't know what to answer. I always did what I wanted to. Not what was expected of me. More often than not my decisions were a result of logic and futuristic practicality and seldom wrong.
The fact that I had decided to go ahead last night astounded me.
No, Draco was not to be blamed here. He was after all, a man. His hesitancy in the beginning may have been a chance to sustain our friendship. He would have known that things would change after this. They always did.
Who was I hiding from? Although I knew what I did was brash and impulsive and it could potentially ruin the friendship we had managed to keep intact all these years; I knew deep down that I wanted to do it. It was probably the only way I could manifest my latent feelings for him. I didn't know anything better.
I was upset, weak and vulnerable. And yes that made me needy, ache for human touch and consolation. But I knew what was happening all the time. I was hurting and the only person who could save me from myself was Draco.
What I did was not a spontaneous act with regard to Draco. Because it was Draco, I went ahead. I felt comfortable unravelling my deepest desires and insecurities, knowing well that he would take care of me like no one else ever could.
I don't regret what happened. It wasn't how I had imagined as a love-sick teenager, but it was real and Draco stood by me. Like he always did.
No. I didn't regret it. But I felt guilty. Very guilty. Guilty for sleeping with the same person I was in love with whEN I was married to my husband. Guilty for finding solace in the embrace of the same person I was in love with while I was mourning the end of life of my husband. Guilty for being so twisted mentally that I loved two people so much at the same time that it was tearing me apart.
I had never been whole. Never since I realised I loved both of them. And my biggest mistake was to involve them in my madness. Had I left them both long ago, they would have been happier. They both deserved someone whole. Someone who didn't have a wall running through their heart, dividing it in two.
How could I be with either without betraying the other? Even in his death I had betrayed Ron. And I had been so unfair to Draco. Allowing myself to be comforted by him, giving myself to him in a way a woman did for the man she loved and who loved him back. I had been so selfish. So thoughtless.
Yes, I still loved Draco. And because I loved him I didn't regret what occurred between us. But I did regret the way it happened. And I felt like I used him. It made me hate myself.
I looked over at Draco's sleeping form again. The blanket was perched on his hips, very low and I could make out the contour of his extremely shapely hip. His torso was chiselled just enough to look human and not unnatural. I blushed when I remembered how similarly appreciative I was of his form last night.
Half his face was buried in the pillow and the other half had linen lines over it. Smiling, I gently caressed his cheek with my fingers, trying to smooth the lines without waking him.
He didn't wake but he sighed happily with a slight smile and his hold on me tightened just a bit. I froze. And waited with bated breath.
Luckily, that was it. He continued to sleep. He looked so happy and peaceful that if for a moment I forgot all the disturbing history around us, it would seem like an idyllic setting where a man and woman who loved each other greatly were greeting a beautiful morning among the many mornings of blissful togetherness.
I sighed. My insides ached with longing for the scene that displayed in front of me. But I knew it was wrong to hope for that. It was selfish of me to even think that. Draco didn't deserve the emptiness that was Hermione Granger Weasley. He was a loving, funny, caring and devoted person who should have an equally devoted woman in his life. He deserved to be happy and for someone to love him wholly with all her soul.
And that was where I fell short. Even though he was everything I needed, I was not what he deserved. I wiped my slow tears and dried my eyes.
I loved him. I always had. And even though he had possibly loved me at some time, it was time to move on. I wish I could have detached myself from him when I had seen him for the first time in Australia. But there was something that held me back. Something that said I had unfinished business to resolve. I don't know if last night was the business or not but I did know that his entry into my life 2 months ago, changed the direction of my life for the better.
My existence had come to a standstill and I had nowhere to go from here. And as always, Draco had come for me. He was the reason for so many things in my life going right. And I loved him. And because I loved him, I had to do what was right. It was time to stop being selfish and start thinking about him.
I gently placed my feet on the ground and tried to move his arm from me. It was dead weight, but I succeeded in freeing myself. Looking at my watch I saw it was only 7 am. No wonder Draco was still fast asleep. It was better this way. My task would be easy if I didn't have to confront him.
I got dressed quickly and stole a last look at the form of the man I loved. I couldn't resist, I went over and softly kissed him one last time. Moving away from him physically pained me at this point but I had to. I only wished that he would somehow know that I didn't regret last night and if I had a chance I would do it all over again, hoping somewhere that his actions were influenced by love like mine were.
I wasn't proud of how last night happened and I felt ashamed that I forced him into this. I was done guilting him through life and if I truly loved him, I would do what was needed to be done, however difficult it may be.
Memorising his form for one last time before leaving, I closed my eyes tightly to prevent the tears as I apparated away.
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General POV :
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Harry was arguing with Ginny as usual over breakfast when a loud pop broke their fight and they both turned towards the direction of the noise.
"Draco?" Ginny asked looking thoroughly confused at the sight of him with messy hair and a shirt worn inside out over last nights' trousers.
"Where is she?" Draco demanded like a madman.
"Malfoy, mate..." Harry started.
"Potter where is Hermione?" Draco demanded louder this time.
Ginny came over and placed a hand soothingly on Draco's shoulder. He tensed up instead of relaxing. "Draco. She hasn't been here at all. I even went into her room to check if she'd like some breakfast. She wasn't there."
"What's going on Malfoy?" Harry asked worriedly. "You said last night everything was fine. What happened?"
But Draco barely heard what Harry had said as he stormed in the direction of her room.
Ginny and Harry gave each other identical, questioning looks before following him into Hermione's room.
They found him standing in the middle of the room, a parchment in his hand and the most defeated look on his face.
Ginny reflexively reached for Harry's hand and he protectively wrapped his fingers with hers.
Draco's eyes were glued to the piece of parchment in his hand.
"Malfoy..." Harry said.
Without looking up, Draco said, "She's gone."
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I know you hate me. But please don't.
Granted Hermione is OOC and running away is not what Hermione Granger would do.
She would face anything headlong, but she's a different person now and running away is what helps her deal with things, even though it's not how it should be done.
but i hope her POV was satisfactory..
Thanks for reading!
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