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CHAPTER 42.
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Hermione hated running away. She really did. But yet again, she had gone and done exactly the same thing. She ran.
The only difference between her running away then and running away now was that the last time, she genuinely wanted to be left alone. She wanted to hide away from the pitying looks and pained faces. Any reminder of her loss... or the Weasley's loss was too hard to take. And she needed to hide away from it all.
That wasn't normal mourning. It really wasn't. Granted, Ron had been her husband. She had loved him, for Merlin's sake. But she knew deep down that her pain and cowardice was grief mingled with guilt. It wasn't like she held herself responsible for his death. No.
Spattergroit was an extremely deadly disease and it didn't spare anyone above the age of 13. There was nothing she could have done as a Healer.
But she could have been a better wife. She could have loved him completely. It was the least he deserved. She could have given him a child... She should have told him about Draco. There was so much she could have done but didn't. And the burden of all that was as great as that of his loss.
And there was no way she could bear the sympathy of people when they had no clue, no idea of what she was feeling. Hell, she felt she was cheating people of their sympathy. She certainly didn't deserve any. If only she had come clean about Draco to Ron earlier; maybe, just maybe she would be feeling less guilty.
So she ran. Away from it all. And today was no different. Except she didn't want to. She wished she could have been selfish and stayed. She wished she could have woken up next to Draco, wrapped in his embrace against his solid chest where she could hear his heart pumping blood into his body, proof that he was well and alive.
She wished she could replay the night before, every night with Draco but without him looking shocked and so unwilling a participant. She wished he would say to her that he loved her and proceed to stay that way forever.
This was all wishful thinking of course. Even if say, hypothetically, he had said and done those things, there was no way Hermione would have stayed. She was far too damaged as a person and she would never repeat the mistake she made with Ron with Draco. It took the death of Ron for her to fully realise the extent of how twisted and knee deep she was in the melee of her own feelings and she wasn't going to inflict the same upon Draco.
Both Ron and Draco were wonderful people who deserved to be happy with someone who gave their heart to them fully. Someone who wouldn't be thinking about the other guiltily when they were sharing moments of love and passion with them.
And if running away meant allowing Draco to finally move on with his life and find that special someone, then run away she would. He had helped her enough already and she promised herself she wouldn't slip into the banal existence she had been living all these months. That would make all of Draco's hard work redundant. No. She would start anew, as happy as she could. She just needed some time. Some more time to let it sink into her that the last time she had been kissed and held by Draco so lovingly; was indeed for the last time.
She looked around and with a swift wave of her wand, layers of dust cleared and she sighed. She was too tired to do anything else. She didn't want to, but her mind kept taking her back to the times she had spent with Draco.
Usually she had great restraint over her thoughts, but stowed away and pushed away thoughts have an annoying way of re-appearing just when you don't want them to.
She reclined against the wooden frame of the bed and closed her eyes and sighed and allowed herself to think back however much she could before she got tired and would fall asleep.
Hermione was bursting to confront Draco about the little polyjuice stunt he had played. Although she was blown away by the degree to which he was ready to keep her safe, she was still livid with what he had done. Sure, he was allowed to keep her safe but not at the expense of his own safety!
What if Umbridge had not stopped where she had? What if the potion had worn away and his true identity would have been in the open? What if someone had noticed the ring like Blaise had and questioned it? What if.. What if... What if... There were a million other scenarios she could produce whose outcome could have been far from favourable.
She really really wanted to have his head for doing something so decidedly stupid and reckless; he wasn't a bloody Gryffindor for Merlin's sake! He had no excuse for such self righteous and noble carelessness!
Try as she may, she couldn't stop getting all worked up about his act without a small smile creeping slyly up her lips. She was still angry with him, but the entire ordeal was to keep her from being subjected to the unforgivable. And Draco had not stopped to think at all of how it would affect him. All for her. For her.
She didn't know if he did feel for her the same way he felt for him. But what he had just done, that was no small feat. It screamed out to her that he loved her just as much as she loved him if not more. And that thought lit her face up like a Christmas tree. But she didn't want to be too presumptuous. Draco and she were the best of friends. They cared for each other deeply. Such protectiveness could also be a result of that friendship they shared.
Hermione frowned. Although his friendship was very important to her, she couldn't help but hope that it was more than that. She had started falling for him and now the thought of being only friends with him was too painful. She wanted more. And even though she wouldn't admit it till she knew for sure what Draco felt about it, she still couldn't stop wanting to further their relationship.
But somehow time had never been on her side. Draco had taken the better part of the day to recover from the Cruciatus and before Hermione could have any conversation about it with him, Harry had started to have a vision about Sirius being in danger. They had to leave for the ministry immediately and since Hermione couldn't openly speak to Draco about anything, she had left without informing him.
Things happened so fast after that night that Hermione was in a daze. So many death eaters were captured that night at the ministry, the wizarding world finally believed that Voldemort was back, panic took over, Sirius had died and Harry was inconsolable. Hermione hadn't had a moment to spare.
She must have conversed with Draco via the two way diary just once to confirm that she was alright and he wrote back saying that he wouldn't be able to keep in touch with her for a long time till he could free his father. But he did tell her to take care and complete all her tasks and wait for him because when he would come back, he wouldn't let go of her for a long time and infringe on every free moment she had to catch up with her.
Wait for him. She smiled when he wrote the last line. They hadn't met or spoken personally after that night in the Room of Requirement and she was bursting to tell him that she loved him. To hell with playing it safe, she couldn't keep it in her any longer.
Besides, the last line he had written in the diary was unlike anything he had said to her before. Was it possible that he was trying to flirt with her?
She turned red at the thought and grinned like an idiot. Merlin! She had it bad!
She couldn't wait for the summer to be over already and start school where she could meet Draco and see him every day. Not talking to him was hard, but at least the sight of his pale, angular, beautiful face and cold, mercurial eyes that softened into liquid pools of pewter at the sight of her was enough to get her through the day.
She wistfully kept checking her diary every 3 hours, hoping for some words, any words to materialise on its parchment. But none did for almost the entire first half of the summer.
Suddenly one day, she was toying with the idea of being the one to initiate a conversation. She stayed with a quill in her hand, tip poised over the parchment for a long time, debating if it would be a good idea. Draco had clearly said that she must wait for him to start any form of interaction. They lived in dangerous times now more than ever and it couldn't hurt to be overly cautious.
Nevertheless, an innocent greeting couldn't be classified as revealing could it? She would just write something like hello or write back or something random without revealing her identity. Even if the diary did fall into strange hands then no one would be suspicious of finding writing in it. And if Draco happened to look at it and saw the words on it then perhaps he would actually write back sooner.
She was longing to have some sort of contact with him. The last she had seen him, held him, touched him and felt his presence was in the room where he was almost delirious with pain and barely conscious.
Her entire body tingled at the memory of the kiss that they had shared. It didn't help her thoughts at all right now, and she wished she could be with him right now, kissing him like she had that day. She couldn't believe all the time she had wasted not realising how she felt about him. And now that she finally did, he was so far away that all she could do was relive the moments with him. And she was glad that the last memory she had with him before they would meet again was that of their kiss.
She sighed and looked at her blank page again, wondering if she should write something or not. Shaking her head, she capped her quill and decided to shut the book. Just as she was going to clamp it shut, she thought she saw movement on it.
Wrinkling her brow, she opened it again and sure enough there was writing on it. Her heart hammered away at the sight of beautifully written black words in front of her eyes. She had never had this reaction to his words before. But then again, she hadn't been pining for him and longing for his messages to appear before either.
Hello you!
Hello you! Hello you! How was it that such two silly words had the ability to totally play havoc with her vitals? She was certain that she would need a calming draught next time he wrote something.
Draco? She scribbled as fast as she could, breathing heavily and willing her heart to stop with the palpitations.
Who else?
She almost heard him laugh mockingly.
How are you? I've been waiting all month for something? Are you fine? I'm so relieved you wrote. I almost...
Hermione! Hermione! Breathe for a moment!
Yes of course. Breathe Hermione.
Draco, I missed you.
I missed this too Hermione. I missed you too...
Are you alright?
I'm not hurt or anything if that's what you're asking.
Draco...
Hermione... I don't have much time. I don't know when I'll be able to write again.
Why? Is something wrong?
Nothing's wrong. I'm just never alone. It's too dangerous to write to you.
What's happening?
I need to get my father out. The ministry has captured him and I'm busy meeting with people to free him.
Oh.
I know you fought him at the ministry Hermione, but he's my father. I have to free him. Mother's beside herself with worry.
You have to do what you have to do Draco.
Thanks Hermione. I... I can't keep talking to you... We need to stop... At least till school starts.
Draco... Why are you ...
Aunt Bella is staying with us.
What?
Yeah. I can't tell you how terrifying that is.
Bellatrix Lestrange is staying at your house?
Yeah. And she's with me almost all day. I can't risk using the diary in front of her.
What about at night? You have to sleep sometime.
Hermione, Aunt Bella is a very talented Legilimens. I'm scared...
You think she'll try probing your mind?
I know she will. She looks at me weirdly. I hate it... I keep waiting for her to push into my thoughts. I don't even know Occlumency.
We'll try learning it once we start school.
Okay. But I really need to let this summer pass without thinking about you. The further you are in my memories, the lesser she'll see. I can't risk your life.
Draco ...
I'm sorry Hermione. But this is the last time I'm writing you before we see each other.
Draco please.. Listen to me...
Hermione .. I don't have time.. I have to leave..
Draco .. I ... Draco, I love you.
There is a pause before the next words come on the diary and Hermione released the breath she had held for long.
Hermione, I
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Okay... Maybe I shouldn't have ended it here.
But you know me by now..
I'm evil that way ;)
Hope you like the flashes; cause they're back baby!
I promise I'll try updating soon! I know how annoying cliffies can get!
ps: all the diary convos are bold.. i hope you can follow hermione and draco's chain coz i've left the non convo part normal..
thanks for reading!