Mister Con Man, Mister Con Man

I see your game

Blood outplays water

And yours would look sad

Smeared needlessly on the court

Gerald stood patiently behind him in the hallway. Arnold closed his locker and turned around.

"What's up?" He'd meant it to sound upbeat and normal, but it fell totally flat.

Gerald crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "A little birdie told me that a certain fine specimen of a woman has been spotted going to your house in the afternoons. Care to tell me about the project you're working on?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." He tried to look preoccupied by shifting his backpack.

"Hey, Fuzzy Slippers doesn't lie." Gerald started walking down the hall, and Arnold naturally fell into step with him. "You two don't normally hang out together. I mean, sure we go to the Hut, and the movies, and all that, but I don't know, man." Gerald grinned. "You're just not her type."

Arnold knew Gerald was doing his best to appear nonchalant and decidedly not nervous, but he could sense the tiniest hint of—was it jealousy?—about him. Phoebe must have held up her end of the deal—Arnold had a strong feeling that she and Gerald shared a lot more with each other than they let on, but he let Gerald keep it to himself since it seemed important for some reason. He decided to get it over with. "Okay, okay. We're… well, we're working on…"

"Let me guess. Does it have something to do with…" Gerald made a noise in his throat and pointed a thumb into his chest. Directly behind him, Helga was bending over the water fountain.

Arnold's eyes widened as he hastily waved his hands in front of him. Gerald took the hint and continued steering his buddy down the hallway.

"Arnold, chill. I've been your best friend for fourteen years. You're an open book."

"But…"

"Yeah, you're crazy. Bold, but crazy."

Arnold stammered.

Gerald held up a hand. "Spare me the details, okay? I've learned all I need to know."

He dropped the flabbergasted Arnold off at the door to his next class. "Don't worry, dude—you've got my blessing. She'll keep you grounded. But please—" he looked over his shoulder for a moment and then lowered his voice, "no more awful double-dates at that French place. Or the other French place. Just no French stuff. Okay?"

Arnold finally found his voice. "Thanks Gerald."

"Don't mention it."

Jump rope rhymes

Rebound so well

Off brick walls

Arnold had already slunk glumly into his classroom and didn't see Gerald disappear around the corner.

"I told you it wasn't anything."

"Yeah, yeah, but still—"

"Look, I know you care about Phoebe, but—"

"Hey! I was trying to help you out."

"Really? Me." Gerald crossed his arms.

"Doi. Who else?"

"First thing, I don't need help."

"You—you're… but Phoebe—" Helga was pointing in random directions. Before she started hyperventilating, Gerald tiredly held up a hand.

"And second, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Huh?"

"Give it some time." He gave a nonplussed Helga his most reassuring smile and patted her shoulder. "Trust me."

Helga stared blankly, not quite comprehending his meaning.

"And Helga?"

"What?" Eyelids lowering like a portcullis, she gazed at him coldly.

"Why again are you stalking your own best friend?"

"I'm not… I…" She relented at the look Gerald was giving her. "She just won't tell me what they've been up to." Her shoulders sagged.

"Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe… I don't know. Maybe they're planning a surprise or something. Isn't your birthday coming up?"

"Thanks a lot for that awful reminder."

Gerald laughed. "I think this time around it'll be a better experience. My buddy's learned his lesson about surprises."

"I appreciate your misplaced sentiment, touching as it is, but if it's a surprise they're planning, it's probably for you."

"Why me?"

"He's your best friend. And I'm not the one with a birthday this month."

"You remembered my birthday?" Gerald batted his eyelashes and drew his clasped hands to his cheek, "Oh how sweet."

"Don't flatter yourself. We've only known each other for fourteen years. "

"Aha! So you were eavesdropping…"

Helga squinted at him but didn't deny it.

"Doesn't matter. Just don't make me lie to my main man again. He may do some dumb stuff on his own time, but when his B.S. meter is on, I hate tripping it. You know how he gets with his lectures."

Helga soundly agreed. "What a hypocrite…"

"Hah. Yeah, I don't know what you see in him."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Tall Hair."

Gerald chuckled heartily as she stomped off down the hallway. Those two were done for.