Chapter 6: Mattress Surfing

I refuse to leave my bed all the next morning, so consumed am I by the guilt of my actions. Mother and Prim are obviously concerned, but once I fib and say that I am feeling ill, they do not press me further.

Should I do something about the dilemma I now find myself in? Should I go to Peeta, fall to my knees, in a gesture of a very different kind, this time to beg his forgiveness? If so, how should I go about it? Will he even accept my apology?

Or, an even more horrifying scenario: will he come hunting for me? Expecting an apology? Or will he punish me, turn me over to the Peacekeepers?

These are the thoughts that pervade my mind, when in late afternoon, I hear my mother answer the door from downstairs.

"Oh, yes, dear, she's in her room…."

I begin to violently shake. Somehow, I can feel that it is him, come to exact his judgment upon me. I leap out of bed and retreat to my vanity at the far end of the room, trying and failing to calm the beating of my heart. I can only think the words I thought just before Peeta ejaculated into my mouth. Just let it come….

The door opens, and inside steps Peeta himself.

Carrying an air mattress.

I stare at him, perplexed. If he is here to kill me, an air mattress sure is an odd choice for a weapon. Or does he mean to throw me down on it and rape me, have his way with me now, instead? I eye him warily, shame coursing through me.

"What do you want?"

Peeta draws his face into a grim line. "I came to see you."

I can only stare at the floor. "I can't imagine why you would want to come see me. After…." It need not be said, for the rest hangs in the air like thick smog. After last night. When I visited the baker's son.

Peeta must understand all of these words unspoken, for out of the corner of my eye, I see him nod his head. "I forgive you."

I meet his eyes, speechless, forgetting for a moment that I am a creature worthy of shame. "You do?"

"Katniss, you are obviously stressed. Unable to find sufficient food, mortified at the prospect of selling yourself, unwilling to let your pride go. And you're with child. Anyone would have snapped, in your situation."

I am floored. Who is this young man who can read exactly what I am feeling, even more than I might understand my emotions myself? I shake my head to clear these thoughts.

"So who advised you to come with the air mattress, then?"

Peeta frowns, puzzled, and for a moment there is a disconnect between us. Wait….

I peer at him. "You haven't told a soul, have you?"

Peeta nearly lets out a bark of laughter. "About last night? No. Why would I?"

I can think of a few reasons. All the boys at school would freely talk about their sexual conquests to each other. I overheard them enough. And if it was a pure girl who had been deflowered, it was almost an announcement to the whole school that she was for sale. Same with any guy who had lost his virginity, which I am almost certain I stole away from Peeta last night.

Besides, wouldn't Peeta have every right to tell his friends of such a milestone, right of passage? You can bet Axel or Coal would have. Or either one of Peeta's brothers.

And yet, as I stare at this boy standing in my room, I have a feeling Peeta is not that kind of person. And given the circumstances in which we coupled…. Could it be that he has stayed silent to protect me, and not to punish me, as I had originally presumed?

"Well…. thank you," I get out. A pause, and then: "But you still haven't told me what the air mattress is for."

"I thought I could move in with you and help you with your pregnancy."

Why is he so eager to help me? I have no idea why, but instead I merely wave him off. "Peeta, we already discussed this…."

"But…."

"I don't need you to save me!" I snap at him brusquely.

"I'm aware. You said that last night," Peeta reminds me flatly. That stops me cold, for I still do not want to recall the hell I dragged him into. The pause I create gives Peeta an opening to entreat me further.

"You may think your mom and sister will be able to help you, but I saw them downstairs. They're backed up with clients, four to five patients deep. Do you think they're going to have time for all the trials you will go through in your pregnancy, especially during the day?"

He makes a valid point. As far as Healers are concerned, Mother is the only game in the town. Plus, I feel she is probably the best in all of Panem. A little biased, perhaps, but it's true. When a miner is caught in a tunnel collapse or a Peacekeeper beating has occurred, it's to my family the sick and injured are sent. Being responsible for the medical needs of an entire district is relentlessly demanding, to say the least.

I nod, to concede Peeta's point. "What about your family?"

Peeta smiles, as if he's expecting the question. "Not a problem. My dad allowed it, provided I am back at the bakery every day by just after sunrise to start the morning shift."

I am a stubborn person, but even I can tell when I am beaten. I let out a long breath before finally nodding. Yes. He can live here and help me. Who knows? Maybe this is my chance to make it up to him, to do penance for my sin.

Satisfied, Peeta throws down the air mattress next to my bed and proceeds to blow it up. Acting as though this is already some kind of normalcy for me, I silently flop back onto my bed without another word. As I lie there into the night, eventually hearing Peeta's snores, I suddenly possess the desire to have him sleeping not on the floor, but with me - no, lying with me - no….. lying next to me. I banish these thoughts to my subconscious along with the painful memory of the night before. Content that I will no longer be concerned with such folly, I drift off to sleep.