Chapter Fourteen

Phryne felt suddenly very cold, panic settling in, pulling her legs towards her in unconscious defensive reaction. The last time they had a similar conversation was burned into her mind at time reappearing in her nightmares. Back then Jack severed all ties between them; he could not possibly be wishing to do the same again, could he? They seemed to reach a semblance of normal marriage, did they not? Even if Jack being more away than with his new family. Could there be something seriously wrong she had no idea about?

"I wanted to tell you for some time, Phryne, but did not know how to breach the subject. But yesterday I received this."

Phryne took the handed card with trepidation. Her confusion grew threefold when she read the inscription in golden cursive writing. The receiver of the card was cordially invited to the wedding ceremony of Chief Superintendent Charles Middleton and Susan Trenton on the twelfth of April the following year. "Should I… know these people?"

"No, but you met Sus a while ago."

Phryne's breath hitched in her throat, hearing the nickname. Jack and that woman were obviously very close, but what was their relationship? Another old friend?

"Well, 'met' is a bit of a stretch. You saw her at the ball."

"The woman in the red dress."

"Yes, Susan is… my cousin from my mother's side. She married late more out of desperation that affection. The man turned out to be a crook. After years of torturous marriage she finally managed to get a divorce and four years later decided to move on. She asked me to introduce her to… honest men as she put it, so I did. I am happy that she found a decent man this time. Charles is a widower with an adolescent daughter, he is a good man and will treat her right."

"This is what you wanted to confess? That you went to the ball with your cousin?"

"No, I want to finally take off my chest that I… deliberately told you that I was going with someone else. I wanted you to know how it feels to be rejected in favor of another woman. Susan is only two years younger than me. We were always close, it was easy to make it look like we were lovers to someone who had no idea who Susan was. I knew you could not help yourself but come to see for yourself. The whole charade was meant to be a… joke, even if it was my selfish and rather pitiful revenge for the Earl's case. But I could not imagine that you would… react like you did, losing all reason… I will never forgive myself for what I said to you that morning, but I was angry, Phryne. So angry at the woman who demanded to know about my female company while I was staying stupidly faithful to the said woman I had no relations with while she was admitting men in her boudoir on a daily basis."

"Faithful, Jack? You mean to say that there was no one since Rosie?"

"Why is it so hard to believe?"

"But Concetta?.."

"She was only a friend."

Phryne made calculations in her head. And those calculations told her that Jack had been without a woman for almost ten years. Ten years of loneliness… Battling the criminals day after day, returning to an empty home, empty bed… His anger towards her was completely justified. "The Earl's case?"

"You do not remember?"

"I do, of course, but-"

"You turned the whole case into your personal playground. You completely undermined my authority, prancing around talking to witnesses without my permission, messing with evidence. Investigating at your leisure, bossing my constables around as you pleased. I was not at all surprised to see you having breakfast at the Earl's house, wearing only a robe, on the fourth day after the body of one of his guests was found murdered only several meters from where you were sitting.

The moment Earl of Lewes entered my office to report the murder, I knew… You gave him that look… The way you look at all your prey. He indeed was young, handsome, rich, intelligent, had great taste in art and literature, an adventurer and explorer with no binds and commitments. The general opinion, including mine, was that you had finally found your match. The whole month the investigation continued and the dead bodies count reached four, you continued to live at the Earl's house as if nothing was happening. You and Earl were inseparable, it was the first time I saw you look… infatuated. The Earl was obviously also very taken with you. How could he not be?"

"And then the maid, who was in love with the Earl and killed women she was jealous of, attempted to murder me in my sleep, but I happened to be in the bathroom at the time and she struck a pillow instead."

"Yes, Phryne, you could have died or been seriously injured. And for nothing it seemed. Because when the Earl left, you did not leave with him. And that hurt me the most. Just when I made peace with myself that you would disappear from my life, you sent the Earl off to his next adventure and came to my office as if the previous month did not happen. As if the man you had the longest relationship with in years did not exist! He was a decent man, he did not warrant such treatment."

"So you wanted to avenge him or yourself, Jack?"

Jack was not surprised by the direct question. He knew Phryne to be a woman of high intelligence, she could not possibly miss the message between the lines. "You toyed with me right from the start, Phryne. And I did not protest, even encouraged it. I was flattered that a woman like you showed any interest in spending time with me. I knew that nothing would come out of our twisted relationship, but I was too far gone. I hoped that something would change after you returned from England, but… then Mrs. Stanley fell ill, and then there was always something else more important be it the investigations or social obligations and then you left for China and, frankly, I had lost hope that there would be anything more between us.

While I was recuperating after Prescott stabbed me, I made a decision to be foolish the first time in my life. I was approached with a proposition to take the post of a Superintendent in a provincial town far from Melbourne. I was planning to take the post just to break the vicious circle I placed myself into by being close to you, but never with you. I set myself to proposing to you with my grandmother's ring, you would have rejected me once and for all and I would have left Melbourne with no regrets.

Just hours before the time you agreed to meet me, I entered the warehouse we suspected to be a base of a contraband movers, and I saw you lying on the floor in the pool of blood. I stood there, frozen, the time seemed to stop for me. I was bewitched by the harmony of black, white and red that was the sight in front of me. I could not dare to disturb the beauty you possessed even in death.

I came to my senses only when one of the constables rushed in and checked your pulse, declaring you were actually alive. He attempted to move you, but I pushed him away and carried you out myself just to hear you breathe. When the medic at the scene informed me that you were just unconscious from the fall after you slipped on pig's blood, I made another foolish decision. I went to my superiors and declined the promotion, because there was no guarantee that my replacement would be as cooperative with you as me. You would continue your investigative exploits regardless and sooner or later there was a real possibility for you to catch your death. And I could not live with the burden of your death on my conscience because I was a coward and put my desires above your wellbeing."

"So you stayed and continued to protect me."

"Yes."

Phryne looked at the man, sitting beside her. Really looked at him. For the first time during their acquaintance Jack finally allowed her to see his true self, but not fully. During the whole monologue he looked down at the floor, avoiding looking directly at her. Phryne knew it to be a habit of Jack's to hide his true feelings that way, but she wanted to know, to see for herself even aware that she will see nothing but pain and suffering. Suffering inflicted solely by her. If only there was a way for her to turn things right… She wanted Jack to be happy (she had never contemplated such notion towards any man in her life), but she had no idea what she should do…

"If you did propose, Jack, what would you have said?"

The question was strange enough for Jack to actually turn to face his wife. He did not plan to reveal even a half of what he did that night. He did feel better for it, since it was harder with every passing day playing house without talking about their five years 'not together'. There were just too many half-truths and double meanings. To Jack, it seemed that the only place Phryne was completely open and truthful was in bed, but how could he know that she was any different with him than she was with other men?

"I do not know, Phryne."

"It would not have been in your character not to prepare something for such an occasion."

"I… I would have said that you could not have run forever, that sooner or later you would have fallen into an empty abyss you could not get out from."

"Run?"

"Not taking anything seriously since the war is just an excuse to feel up the void inside you. Parties, men, fast cars, even your dresses are just means to make you feel something, anything. But it is never enough so you search for new parties, men, cars, dresses. One day they will all become meaningless, but you have nothing to replace them with, so you slowly die inside questioning yourself why do you get up every morning. I know what I am talking about, since I was the same after returning home after the war. I truly loved Rosie when I married her, after the war I could not love her the way she deserved, not to hurt her I delved into work, my only satisfaction bringing criminals to justice. Despite the endless crime, with years catching criminals was not enough anymore, my life lost all meaning, all color…

"Until you… But you were also wearing a mask I saw every day in my mirror and I did not want you to follow into the pointless existence, at least not alone. I knew and know that I will never be enough for you either, and marriage can be a cage but at least there are two inside it to support each other."

Phryne looked Jack over once again, seeing this time a completely different man. Nobody had managed to peek behind her mask before. Maybe only Mac, who went through the same war nightmare as her, but they never talked about it, respecting each other's privacy. And Jack saw it all, saw the real her. Dozens of men saw her naked, but none saw beyond the skin, none saw her soul, while Jack… How can one man have such unimaginable depths to his character?

"Should the proposal not be accompanied by some sort of romantic declaration? Would you have told me what was your in your heart, Jack?"

"No, and before you ask why… One gives his heart to another if he knows he will receive her heart in return and that is not the case between us."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because it is not in your nature to devote yourself to one man, to be satisfied by regularity or singularity. Moreover, the night of the car accident you said that if I dissolved our partnership it would be the same for you if I had been in the car wreck. What we do best is solve murders, nothing more. I am just a convenient tool for you to solve murders, you have no attachment to me personally, any other detective could be in my place and it would have been the same.

"That night under the stars I finally set myself to cross over the threshold, but you got distracted by a shiny flask. And this is exactly how you seem to view me. I am in your sight only until something or someone shiny catches your eye. I did not want to be Anthony to your Cleopatra, because he constantly had to fight others, including the Emperor, for her affections."

"You are right, Jack, I would have rejected your proposal. You would have moved away and I… I would have cried for days and then did what I always do in a crisis – run. The same way I ran to China because I saw you and Rosie walking on a street, looking like a perfect married couple. It was not my business if it was simply a stroll or a romantic overture, but I did not want to find out. No man had made me feel jealous of him before. I had a prickling of that feeling when I saw you consoling Rosie after Sanderson's arrest. I realized I wanted to be in her place, in your arms, comforted by you. Then there was Concetta who opened my eyes to the reality that sooner or later you can meet a good woman and actually remarry. And that woman will never be me, because I will never be able to give you the stability that you want. I decided to travel far not to see how you and Rosie get together again. I had no idea what I will do after, but at least I would not witness… the courtship and what followed it.

But you are wrong about my disposition towards you. You were never just a policeman to me, you are an amazing man that I was instantly attracted to despite knowing that you were married. With time you revealed layer after layer of your personality that awed me. No man made me wonder so much about the possible future with him, no man made me desire to make him mine and nobody else's. I was running mad with having feelings for you I had never had, but unable to act upon them since it would bring change I had no control over and that scared me. So I continued to wear a mask of light flirting and teasing, because I could not help being apart from you at least until you found someone to spend your life with.

"If you had moved from Melbourne I would have been devastated. I would have moped around for days and then run to get you back the same way I ran back from China. I planned to be there much longer, but one day one of my companions kept talking on and on about something inconsequential and I found myself missing your voice. That deep timber that makes me tremble with every word. The feeling was so strong that I booked the quickest passage to Australia. Upon return I found out that nothing actually happened between you and Rosie, but I still had no courage to… take my mask off. Seeing you with your cousin, I thought that I had finally lost you.

"To me you, Jack, are the most precious and strongest stone in the box of shiny gemstones. A diamond, unpolished one, but I like it this way."

"What are you saying, Phryne?.."

"Despite me saying I cannot commit to one man, I seem to be always coming back to you. You asked for nothing, but without even noticing I gave you everything. And that includes my heart. Oh, God, Jack, are you crying?"

"I… I apologize… I hoped that if we are married… with time you may return… my feelings. I am so happy that my hopes were not in vain."

"Why did you not tell me, Jack? Why did you keep your feelings hidden?"

"I did tell you."

"When?! How can I possibly not remember?" Jack took her left hand and brushed a kiss against her ring finger. Everything instantly fell into place. 'With boundless love' was meant to remain on the ring for her! And she was blind yet again, so used to flashy displays of champagne, bright colored suits and sensual dance moves bordering on indecent that she did not notice Jack's usual beautiful subtlety. Never a useless word or action or a kiss, just as the ones he was peppering her hand with at that moment, slowly pulling her towards him. Phryne did not resist, not that she could deny Jack anything anymore. "This is what you meant when you said you wanted me to be the wife I cannot ever be. You did not want me to make food or do your laundry or obey your every word, you just wanted me to love you."

Jack's kiss was answer enough. Phryne had never treated kisses as anything special, more or less just a preamble to more pleasurable activities, but Jack's kisses always had an underlying message or a feeling which were not easy for Phryne to decipher. That one was easy, though. It was pure love.

They abruptly moved away from each other after feeling the baby moving particularly strongly.

"The baby seems happy that mum and dad made up," Jack said, stroking Phryne's belly as he did at every opportunity of privacy.

Watching Jack's happy smile, the smile that actually reached his eyes, she could not help but thank Fate or any other deity that blessed her with having that man in her life. "I love you Jack Robinson."

"I love you too, Phryne Robinson."

….

Later in the night after Phryne cuddled to Jack in way she would be comfortable and not move much during the night and a proper good night kiss ('proper' most definitely not in Aunt Prudence's understanding), Jack dared to return to their previous conversation. "Phryne?"

"Mm?" she purred in return. Sharing the bed with Jack those days was a treat to be savored.

"Can you tell me what really happened between you and the Earl?"

"You are right, Michal was indeed an embodiment of what I wanted in a man. Had I met him five years earlier or after the war, my life would have turned out very differently. Just three days before the case was over we were discussing our future trip to Europe. But the day before his and actually our planned departure he told me that he cannot take me away, because and these are his exact words: 'I cannot save you from spiders or have such a keen eye for art.' I do understand the first part…" That was an extremely embarrassing episode when they conducted the search in Earl's house and for some reason she decided to go to the attic. And as all old attics it was infested with spiders. Paralyzed with fear to move even an inch Phryne could have screamed or cried for help but she shouted Jack's name purely on instinct. And he heard her from two stores below and came despite their constant bickering during the case not agreeing on anything. He cared her out, Phryne clinging to him as some scared kid. When they happened on the Earl and other servants who heard the screams, Jack told them that there was a small accident on the stairs and that Miss Fisher just required a little rest. Earl of Lewes was obviously intelligent enough to connect the dots. "What art was he talking about? Now wait… he did leave you a rectangle package at the station before we left for the docks. What was that about? Are you blushing, cheri? Now you must tell me all about it!"

"Earl insisted on giving me a token of his appreciation for solving the case, even if I did not actually do anything substantial. He did not want to hear a 'no' for an answer so I asked for a painting in his collection."

"So why are you blushing? Oh, is it a nude?"

"To a degree…"

"I do not remember you bringing any paintings from your house."

"It is still there."

"Why?"

"I could not possibly…"

"Jack Robinson having a gaudy secret… Now I cannot fall asleep until I find out what is the painting of. Is it a woman?"

"Well, yes."

"And what-"

"It is 'In wait for a lover'."

Phryne knew that painting very well. On it was depicted a woman on a bed completely naked but for the bed sheet low on hips that left her torso uncovered. The woman was staring into the distance through the large window. The audience could see only the woman's back and a profile since her whole body was turned towards the window, waiting for her lover to appear on the road that disappeared into the horizon. Phryne knew that painting very well because she posed for it.

"Michal did not recognize me despite seeing me naked every night and you did, cheri. You are one fascinating man, Jack. You must bring the painting here."

"I cannot, I do not want it on display."

"If you are protecting my honor-"

"It is special for me, Phryne. I do not want to hang it in the row of others like it was in the Earl's gallery."

"We can hang it in your study and cover it with a panel so only you can see it."

"This is acceptable."

"But you have to promise me something, Jack. Do not make me wait for long."

"We already waited for each other long enough."

"For two sensible adults we did act as two little children. If only we had talked without reservations at least once, we could have been building our life together years ago."

"Fear had a mighty grip on both of us, but not anymore."

"You need to leave early tomorrow?"

"Unfortunately."

"I will be waiting for your next visit, Jack."