Chapter 9-Pourquoi?
Delphine was outside, the drabble of a priest speaking in the background. It was cold, raining, everything was tinted of grey. Looking to her left, Sarah was staring at her. The blonde ignored the clone, turning her attention to the priest.
"And though they lived happily, the mighty Lord will accept the child lovingly into his kingdom…" the old man droned on.
"Non" Delphine cried internally, unable to move her lips.
She looked towards the ground where two holes were dug. A pale faced, sunken-eyed Cosima lay hovering over the hole, her body draped in dirty rags to cover her chest and groin while Delphine was tortured by the emaciated elements of her once vivacious figure. Bones protruded grossly, skin sunken between ribs, organ outlines on full display.
Over the second hole was her daughter, swaddled in a blood soaked white sheet. Her features were drowned out, much like her mother's.
"Mon Dieu, non!" Delphine sobbed in her own mind.
Her attention then shot to the priest who continued his ceremony.
…while her mother rots in eternal hell, paying with damnation for her sins" the old men condemned.
"Cosima!" she cried out.
"You did this" Sarah snapped causing Delphine to turn and look at her.
A gunshot, then a searing pain. A pain she knew. She looked down to see herself very pregnant, her belly oozing out from the wound.
"Your child's life for penance" the priest told her, waving an arm.
Cosima and Charlotte's bodies dropped down into the holes, lost forever.
Delphine's eyes snapped open and she sat up in bed. There was a hand on her chest. She was sweating. She breathed hard, looking around. She was home. She was in bed. Cosima was here.
"Hey, hey honey, slow down. Another one?" her fiancée asked.
The French woman gulped and closed her eyes, nodding as she laid back down.
Cosima coughed into the crook of her elbow, rubbing Delphine's bare chest with her other hand. Once her body had stopped it's raspy convulsions, she settled next to her fiancée.
"Are you okay?" the brunette asked.
The doctor nodded, the heaviness from the dream only adding to that sinking pit in her stomach that had been falling since she'd seen Cosima's lab results earlier in the week.
"I have to get up" she told Cosima, sitting up and grabbing her shirt, pulling it over her head.
"Delphine…talk to me" the brunette pleaded, turning her head to cough into her elbow again.
The blonde crouched and kissed Cosima's face and shook her head "I do not have words, Cosima. I need to do something."
The clone accepted that with a slight nod "Okay, but talk to someone."
"I'll bring you up breakfast" Delphine told her.
The blonde left the room and Cosima sighed and collapsed onto the bed, looking up at the cathedral ceiling of her new bedroom. This was eating up Delphine. She could tell her fiancée was stressed. They had just moved to the new house and she was so busy doing all of the wedding legwork, helping Cal finish the basement, putting final touches on lab gear, preparing for her first day of work Monday and the sleepover set to happen tonight, and then taking care of her on top of it all.
Cosima was ever so thankful for this and many other reasons that Charlotte had responded so well to treatment. The younger clone had (just as Delphine told her) bounced right back. But she, she was bed ridden. Her legs could not physically hold her up any more, her stomach ached, and her lungs and throat burned with every breath. She hoped sincerely that Delphine would talk to someone.
Cosima rolled over, grabbing her laptop and working on the D&D game she was setting up for the cousins tomorrow night. Apparently Scott had prepared a one-shot for them during the sestras talk and the kids loved it. She figured it would give her some quality time with the kiddos that was calm and non-strenuous. Cosima hoped that it would take some of the pressure off of her partner.
Charlotte looked over the notebook closely "This is awesome, Opa. Amethyst, agate… wow."
The large-framed tall man let out a hearty chuckle as he laid a hand on her shoulder "It's nice to have someone appreciate them."
The large German man had caught the next flight out after his daughter had called. He could hardly believe the things she had told him. A clone? There were other Cosimas out there? And she was going to be married! The news just rolled on: he was an Opa. But of course, nothing had prepared him for the news that his baby girl was sick. Four months she said. He'd be damned if he was going to waste that time away from this new-found family. Delphine was an absolute delight, even while running around stressed. Her love for his daughter was strikingly clear. It was everything he had ever wanted for his little Cosima: the same love he had the opportunity to have in his life with Andrew.
He knew the loss of the love of your life. He knew exactly what the tall, slender French woman must be feeling in this trying time. He was gentle with her in every interaction. She was his newest daughter and he would watch over her. He watched her rush in to the kitchen and grab random items that he knew were for his daughter.
Helm turned to his granddaughter "You can keep this if you like, I have copies."
Charlotte beamed up at him "Thank you, Opa"
He looked up to the flustered blonde, stood up from his seat at the table and walked to the oven. He opened it and handed Delphine a plate "Oatcakes with peanut butter frosting and raspberries. She'll eat them."
Delphine turned around from the fridge, staring at him. She sighed, feeling a bit of the pressure leave her frame. Putting back the items she'd collected, she looked up at him gratefully "Thank you, Helm."
"Go take a seat, I'll bring her downstairs" he reassured her. "There's fresh coffee in the pot and a plate for you on the table."
Delphine kissed the cheek of her future father-in-law, whom she'd come to adore for his support these past few days. "Tu viens de Dieu. You come from God" she told him, grabbing a coffee and then heading over to the table and taking a seat next to Charlotte who was flipping through the notebook.
The blonde took the time to relax for a moment. Her life was so hectic. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a sip of her coffee. She let it all melt away for this brief time. No one was sick, no one was dying; she was just drinking coffee with her kid.
"Maman, look at this. Opa's found all these cool gemstones" Charlotte told her, scooting the notebook between them.
The blonde smiled and sat up, paying attention as her daughter gave her a lesson in geology. After a couple minutes, she stopped and looked up.
"By the way, I know mummy doesn't really like diamonds, so I think you should get her a jasper ring" Charlotte informed her maman.
"Oui? Et pourquoi? Yeah? And why?" the blonde asked, forking a piece of oatcake and putting it in her mouth.
"Jasper is supposed to help the wearer through tough times. It's supposed to bring tranquility and well-being. I think Mummy can use some of that" the young clone told Maman.
"You little romantic" Delphine teased.
Charlotte blushed as she turned her attention back to the book.
"Thank you. I might take you up on that idea" the blonde nudged her kid, taking another bite of her breakfast.
Helm walked in at that moment, carrying his daughter in his brawny arms. He sat her down at the table, bringing her breakfast over.
Cosima beamed, happy to be out of bed and eating at the table like a regular person.
"Thank you Papa" she told him, taking a bite of her oatcake and smiling at her daughter "Oh cool, I see Opa's sharing his research."
"Yeah. Did you know that he's seen 584 different kinds of rocks and minerals?" Charlotte asked mummy.
Cosima laughed and ruffled the young clone's hair "I did actually. I was with him when he found most of them."
"That's so cool! Opa, could you bring me one day?" the tiny person asked.
"One day. When your Maman and Mummy bring you out to see me in San Fran I'll show you my whole collection and we'll go out every morning" he told her, putting a finger to her little nose.
Charlotte giggled.
Cosima's eyes closed, that giggle affecting her the way nothing else could.
"Thanks for getting me out of bed, Papa. I needed it" she sincerely thanked.
"Oh, no trouble at all Mima" he cooed her childhood nickname to her.
The brunette smiled "No one's called me that in ages. "
His eyes grew so full of emotion "Your Dad used to call you that."
Cosima nodded "I know."
"Well, I thought that maybe I could take you and our little geologist here out today. Let Delphine and the big guy work on the basement in peace" he suggested. "I have years away from a granddaughter that I need to catch up on and someone has a wedding outfit to pick out" he told his daughter.
The brunette shook her head "Papa, I don't think I can."
Just then, Delphine's phone buzzed. She pulled it out of her pocket and opened the e-mail. It was from her father.
"Delphine,
Your mother has filled me in on your plans and what you have been up to. How dare you desecrate the sacred act of marriage! Canada has corrupted you in to the ways of the heathen. I suggest you stop this little charade immediately, return the child to the authorities to be placed in a real home, and come home yourself. My priest has assured me that there is a place for you in the parish and that he can start the work with you to correct these horrible sins.
How dare to slap the face of god and destroy this family's reputation!
I am dissapointed,
Your father
P.S. You weren't worth the French."
Delphine turned her phone off, feeling the blow strike her in the chest. She ignored it the best she could as she turned her attention back to her breakfast.
The conversation was still happening around her. Delphine stayed silent, staring at her breakfast.
"If not now, then when? There has never been a better time than right now, Mima" he re-iterated the words Cosima's dad used to tell her in his final months.
That struck a chord deep within her. It revamped her perspective. She remembered her dad in those months leading up to his death. He was alive. He was so sick but he didn't let it stop him. She had some of her best memories in that time.
She turned to Charlotte and smiled "Why not now, then?"
"Perfect" he chimed.
Cosima felt the warm comfort of the slender hand on her thigh and she met Delphine's eyes.
"Are you sure?" Delphine asked worried.
Cosima smiled and nodded "Yeah. It'll be nice to get out of the house."
The blonde nodded, turning to her daughter "Did you take your medicine?" she asked.
Charlotte rolled her eyes "Yes, Maman!"
"Oh no, the eye rolling has begun! The pre-teen is coming!"Cosima joked, feigning fright.
Cosima felt the laugh take over her body, shaking her frame until it slowly turned in to a cough. She pulled on her oxygen and breathed deeply, feeling it slightly sooth her destroyed lungs.
The front door swung open and Cal stepped in.
"Uncle Cal!" Charlotte called, getting up and running towards him. He scooped her up and twirled her around, heading back towards the kitchen.
Helm stood and shook the lumbr jack's hand.
"Cal, nice to see you. There is a plate for you" the larger man told him.
He shook his head "And you as well, Mr. Neihaus. Mrs. S. came by and made us some flapjacks this morning. I'm all full up." Cal turned to Delphine "Ready to get started?" he asked.
She nodded and finished the final bite of her breakfast, taking the last sip of her coffee, before stooping and kissing each of her girls.
"I love you. Have fun. Take it easy. I will see you tonight" she instructed.
"Love you too, babe" Cosima responded, taking another bite of her oatcake.
"Bye maman. Have a good day" Charlotte told her.
Delphine gave Cal a hello hug, and then grabbed her wallet and keys before she headed out the door, Cal on her heels.
Cosima sighed, taking another bite of her oatcake unable to stop the smile on her face.
Helm noticed, smiling at his daughter "Oh, you are so in love with her."
Cosima scrunched her nose and nodded "I really am."
"But not as much as you love me, right?" Charlotte asked with a pouty face.
Cosima leaned in and kissed her daughter's cheek "Not as much as I love you!"
The young clone giggled and kissed mummy's face, wrapping her arms around the older clone's neck and resting her head on her shoulder.
"Mummy, can I get a new outfit for school Monday?" she asked.
"Why don't you let your Opa spoil you to all the clothes you can imagine?" Helm offered, much to Cosima's displeasure.
"One new outfit, and school supplies. There will be very minimal spoiling. You just got a whole new wardrobe" the brunette countered.
Charlotte pouted and turned to her Opa, who put his hands up.
"What mummy says, goes" the grandfather gave up.
There was an adorable little sigh from the tiny human "Fine. But can I get my own dice for tomorrow?"
"That is a most definite yes" Cosima told her, chuckling as she ruffled Charlotte's hair.
"Dice?" the older German man asked, confused.
"Mummy's going to run a D&D campaign for us tomorrow night. We use special dice for the game. All my cousins played a game with Scott earlier this week and they said it was so much fun!" Charlotte explained.
"It's a role playing game with Dragons and Dungeons and adventures and stuff" Cosima attempted to explain to her father, who still looked clueless.
"I never understood all that stuff" he shook his head.
"Trust me Papa, I know. I still remember how clueless you were with some of the board games dad and I played" the dreaded woman answered.
Delphine looked at her list "We still need tile" she told Cal.
He bit the inside of his cheek, looking each way in the giant store, trying to guess as to where the tile will be. Delphine spotted an employee and walked up to him.
"Excuse me. I am looking for tile. Could you please point me in the right direction?" she asked.
"Aisle 32. Go down to the lumber and it's two aisles down from that" he told her.
She smiled "Thank you."
Delphine walked over to Cal and took hold of the cart full of lumber and supplies, pushing it towards the aisle.
"How are wedding plans coming?" he asked as they walked.
She sighed "I have a million things to do, but the basement is my priority right now."
"Delphine, I can do this if you want. You've got enough on your plate" he suggested.
The blonde shook her head "It will go faster with two of us. We need fast."
"I'm worried about you, Finny. I don't think I've ever seen you so stressed" Cal noted as they rounded the corner to the tile aisle.
Delphine took a deep breath "I can handle it. I have to."
"Well, I think I am going to get your ass drunk tonight. Loosen up. Have a little fun" the lumberjack told her.
"Cal, I do not have time for fun" she told him, scanning her options in the tile, reaching out to touch each sample.
"Well, at least have a few beers with me while we work. I've got a case in the truck" he informed her.
"That, I can do!" the doctor agreed as she picked up a tile "This will work. We need how much? 1000 square feet?"
"Yup. It's a huge space" he noted.
They got to work loading the tile up onto their full cart.
Cosima sat in the wheelchair being pushed by her daughter, feeling like a complete lump. She hated being in the chair. She hated how it confined her and vowed that if she ever got the chance to, she'd walk every moment she could. But for now, she was stuck here.
The cool air of the mall rolled around her as they walked in. First on her list were Delphine's rings. She knew that her fiancée wanted an engagement ring with a few tasteful diamonds. Cosima liked the idea herself, and so allowed herself to be pushed towards the jeweller.
"Are you gonna get maman diamonds?" Charlotte asked, letting go of mummy's chair the moment they got to the display cases.
Cosima smiled, loving to see Charlotte browse the precious gems found there. She peered over the case. "Yeah. Your maman is a fan of diamonds."
"Do you want to know what I think?" Charlotte asked.
Cosima laughed "I'm always on the market for a professional opinion."
"I think Maman will like a diamond engagement ring, but I think that she'd really like a Jasper wedding ring" the young clone told her mother, putting her plan in motion.
"Oh yeah? And why's that?" Cosima asked
"It's a stone that is meant to be calming and bring tranquility and well-being" she quoted almost verbatim from earlier. "I think Maman could use that reminder when she thinks of you" she added sadly.
Cosima thought about that for a moment. Giving Delphine a ring that would help keep her tranquil with the idea that Cosima wanted her to be well. That was exactly what she wanted to tell her wife every time she looked down at the ring on her finger. She wanted Delphine to be okay when she was gone. She wanted her to be able to keep the smile that she'd seemed to have recently lost.
She hadn't seen a true, sun bright smile illuminate Delphine's bright face in so long. Yes, she wanted to give Delphine a ring that would show her how much she wanted her to be well.
The older clone smiled at her daughter "I like that idea."
Cosima called over the jeweller.
Delphine stood in the basement, two beers in. Cal was still stone sober. They had just finished clearing all the appliances and storage boxes out of the basement. They were currently spreading out tarps.
"So she doesn't have too long?" Cal asked
"Four months" Delphine told him.
"That's rough. That's really fucking hard. How the hell are you coping?" He asked.
"I'm not. I don't have time to cope" she told him, taking another swig from her third beer.
"Isn't there anything you can do?" the lumberjack asked, laying down the tarp.
Delphine stopped what she was doing and shot him a steely gaze "If there was, wouldn't I be doing it?"
"Yeah, sorry. That came out wrong. I didn't mean you specifically. Geez Delphine, this is tough" Cal admitted.
She grit her teeth and tapped the tarp in place. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the corner of the hospital bed peeking out from behind the slightly ajar door to a bedroom. The room was dark, the lights out. She stopped for a moment, unable to stop from staring at it.
Cal noticed, following her eyes "That's gonna be her room, isn't it?" he asked, his stomach falling as he thought about the connotations.
The blonde nodded. This was where the love of her life would die. This was where that dreaded last moment with Cosima would happen; where she would cease to exist. Delphine had avoided that room for those reasons. To her, it already reeked of death. She could feel the grim reaper behind her every moment she got close to it. She was building Cosima's crypt. She was digging her own wife's grave.
Delphine's phone buzzed from atop the window sill. She rushed to it, brushing passed him.
"Woah, where's the fire?" the lumberjack asked.
"Lab results" she told him as she picked up the phone, checking her e-mail.
Cal watched her scroll through. She stopped, and he watched as her jaw set, nostrils flaring. She didn't have to say a word. He knew: the results were not good.
The doctor carefully placed her phone back on the window sill before calmly walking over to the sledgehammer, resting against an exterior wall. She picked it up.
"Delphine?" Cal asked, concerned.
Delphine swung the hammer at the useless wall with every ounce of anger she had. The tool ripped through the drywall and blew a huge hole in it, popping out the other side. She swung again.
Cosima was going to die.
Cosima was going to die here.
Cosima was going to die soon.
Cosima was going to fucking die.
And there was nothing she could fucking do about it.
Nothing.
All of this money.
All of this power.
All of this knowledge.
All of this love.
And there was nothing.
She was just going to die.
Delphine let the hammer fly, adrenaline fueling her muscles to strain beyond their capability as the tears streamed down her face. She was so pissed at the world right now. It wasn't fair. They were good people. Why was this happening?
The wall came crashing down, crumbling as its supports shattered from the force of the last hammer blow. She dropped the hammer and fell to her knees, sobbing.
"Pourquoi?" she cried.
Cal kneeled next to her, putting a hand on her back as his own tears fell. "Delphine…" he spoke softly.
"She is everything, and…I cannot even…I just wanted a simple life. I wanted to…" she sucked in hard, a high pitched screech emanating from her body as she cried harder than she ever had "I just wanted to spend my life with her…with our family. I just want to hold her and not hear her lungs begging to stop working." Delphine's sobs increased as she shook her head "I just want to be a family."
Delphine stopped talking and let the final thought linger just below the surface; the final secret that she had yet to tell anyone.
She let herself open up, let herself finally let it out "I am scared of what this world will be like when she stops being a part of it; when she is just gone. Merde, I am so terrified of that."
Call pulled her in to a tight hug and let her sob in his arms. Delphine let all of her tears out. She didn't have to worry about scaring Cal. She didn't have to worry about putting too much on Cal's shoulders. He was emotionally strong enough to handle it right now. He wasn't involved like Cosima was. He didn't have to worry about Charlotte overhearing.
"Charlotte…" she sobbed, letting go of Cal "…she can't…she is already been through enough, now this? Cal, what do I do? I do not even have words to comfort her. I do not even have words to comfort myself. How do I think I can take care of that little girl when Cosima is gone? How can I possibly give her what she needs when both of our hearts are broken? I do nott know what to do. What do I do?"
Cal took her face in his hands and looked in to her eyes "Delphine, you will take care of her. I know you. You will be fine. It doesn't feel like it and it's gonna be a fight, but you will make it out. You always have me, and Sarah, and Charlotte has Kira. We've got Mrs. S. and Helm. We've got Helena and Jesse, Allison and Donnie. We've got Felix. You are literally surrounded. Together, we'll help get you and Charlotte through this. You don't have to do it alone, okay?"
Delphine nodded, shaking as he kissed her forehead. She was so grateful for his friendship right now. She looked up at him with blood shot eyes "Thank you."
He nodded and turned to look at the wall "Well, our work today is done. I didn't expect you to singlehandedly take down that wall in five minutes flat."
Delphine shrugged as Cal reached over and pulled the case of beer closer, taking one out, popping the cap off, and handing it to her. He grabbed one for himself.
Delphine tipped it back, drinking from it like an infant from a bottle. She felt numb already and was eager for her body to match her emotions.
"I'll hire a contractor to take over. He'll have it done sooner. My wedding gift" he told her, taking a drink from his own bottle.
"Thank you" she whispered to him again.
"Anything for you and yours, Finny. We're family" Cal reminded her.
Cosima stared at herself in the mirror. She loved the way that the white shirt fell on her shoulders, the way the black bow tie emphasized the symmetry of her face. She wanted to feel like she was beautiful. She wanted to see the way the wedding outfit hugged her body and made her short legs stand out, her hips curve. She wanted to see how the shoes curved her calves slightly with their heel to make her that little bit taller and seem that little bit more muscular.
She stared at the chair she was in. Its chrome and black vinyl making all of the other qualities seem moot in her mind. She shook her head.
"But Mummy, you look great!" Charlotte told her.
"Maybe from the top up" she moaned sadly.
Helm looked at his daughter, confused. Cosima had never been one to be insecure. She was a strong, confident, beautiful woman. He leaned over and picked her up out of the chair.
"Papa? What? What are you doing?" she asked as his strong arms were pulling her up after being looped under her arm pits.
"Charlotte, sit down" he told his granddaughter.
Charlotte complied, sitting in Mummy's chair. She stared up, confused.
"Papa, what is this?" Cosima whispered, well aware that for now they were hidden in the veil of the private dressing area and hoped that it would stay private.
"Tell me she's less than beautiful" Helm whispered to his daughter. "Go ahead and tell me that you're thinking that" he whispered to her, hugging her slightly as he wrapped an arm around her waist to hold her up.
Cosima stared at her daughter, the young girl oblivious to what her grandfather was asking her mother. She played with the wheels, turning and looking in to the mirror. Cosima watched, unable to tell herself that the kid was anything less than beautiful. She shook her head, looking up at her father.
"It doesn't define you. Don't let it. Not the chair, not the medication, not the needs you now have, not the illness itself. You are still you" he reminded her. "And you, my little one; you are so beautiful. Try to see yourself as your daughter sees you, as I see you, as Delphine sees you."
Cosima smiled, letting that sink in.
"Alright, little geo, up out of mummy's chair" Opa told Charlotte.
Charlotte stood up and smiled as she went and tried on one of the bow ties they'd brought in to the dressing room. Helm helped his daughter back in to the wheelchair and Cosima settled. She turned to face the mirror again, taking another look.
The brunette imagined being next to Delphine, surrounded by family, under the spring sun. She thought about looking up at her gorgeous fiancée who was staring down at her. She focused on the mirror and shook her head, smiling. She'd chosen the tux, thinking that it would make her more comfortable from her seated stance. She felt the truth set in.
"Not this one" she told them. "I want a dress."
Helm smiled "Alright then. To the bridal store."