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CHAPTER 18.

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After what seemed like eons, Hermione finally settled down. She still hung on to Fred like he was some anchor. The tears had stopped. But she didn't trust herself to move and Fred's strong, reassuring arms were probably something she needed.

After a while, she shifted to a more comfortable position, facing the fireplace, higher into the chair but still entwined in his arms.

Her eyes were dry now. Too dry. As if she had consumed every drop her tear gland could manufacture today. But they were bloodshot. And vacant.

Fred was very disturbed at this sight. The Hermione he had known, even before they got so close was always spirited. Sure, she used her spiritedness for stuff like following rules and homework and all that stuff. But it was HER stuff. It was what she was passionate about. And that passion shone in her eyes.

What Fred saw right now were eyes stripped of the very same spirit that made Hermione what she was. He didn't know who this Hermione was. Was this the real Hermione ? Or the one he knew was real ?

She was awake and lucid. At least she looked it. But she didn't say anything. Neither did she withdraw contact from Fred. Which surprised him a bit. It seemed like she was aching for human touch. But she wasn't saying anything and Fred was going crazy thinking of all possible scenarios that could lead such a distraught Hermione.

He considered calling Harry or Ron or Ginny. Surely Ginny would know something. Best female friend and all. She should definitely have a reason and solution to Hermione's recent breakdown.

But Hermione didn't seem like she was letting Fred go anytime soon. And truthfully Fred didn't know what the whole deal was about so he didn't want to call people. What if Hermione didn't want a spectacle? He needed to respect her wishes. But he also needed to know what was going on.

They had reached a stage which surpassed embarrassing moment disclosures. Even certain weaknesses may have been divulged. But this was totally different. And Fred wanted to know what was killing her so much because it killed him to see her so.

And he needed to know what it was to make it right. But if Hermione trusted him enough, she would say something on her own. They had shared many comfortable silent moments in the past. None were so long and this certainly wasn't comfortable but neither was it awkward or something that itched to be broken by conversation.
He realised she needed some time and asking her would only push her away.

So he did what he thought would surely comfort her. He arranged the blanket to cover her toes and raised his arm which had slipped down higher to circle her shoulder. He squeezed her shoulder to let her know that he was still there for her and continued to sit with her in silence.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But..." She trailed, after some minutes.

Fred turned to look at her.

Some moisture returned in those brown orbs and and was threatening to spill.

Fred brought the pads of his thumbs to her eyes and gently wiped the fat tears that were forming.

"Ssshh. Whatever it is, don't apologize. Not to me. Ever. "He said.

"I didn't ... Couldn't... Come to the shop today. Sent the kids away. Ginny." She choked.

"It's ok. It's ok, Mione. We all need a break sometimes. We need some alone time too." Fred reasoned. "I would've left if you hadn't seemed to need me. I understand."

"Alone!" She spat the word and laughed a maniacal, high pitched laugh that had anything but mirth in it.

"Yeah. I would know. I got all the alone time I asked for." She said, pitch rising.

"Love, Its ok. I'm here. You don't have to be alone. If you want we can call Harry and company." Fred suggested.

The suggestion was meant to cheer her up but in fact it did quite the opposite.

The anger that she was showing, changed to sadness again.

"No!" She almost screamed before Fred could do anything.

"Not Harry. Not Ron." She said. "I'm better alone. "

"But you're not alone! I'm here. Ok. No Harry or anyone. Is it ok if I stay? Please?" He pleaded.

She looked apologetically at him and nodded.

"I'm sorry Fred. I didn't mean to involve you in my drama. I thought with you in the shop, I would be alone. I really couldn't stop. And I never meant for anyone to see me this way." She said.

"But why Hermione ? Why not ? What could be gained from that? Wouldn't you like for someone to comfort you ?" Fred asked.

"I don't deserve to be comforted Fred." She said sparking up again. " I deserve the pain with every tear I've shed. And I cannot possibly involve anyone. There's no room for pity from anyone."

"Pity? Why would we pity you? All I meant was for someone to share your pain and comfort you." Fred said looking confused.

"I don't deserve it Fred. I don't deserve it." She repeated the same phrase over and over and over.

Fred was worried that she had gone into one of her states again where she didn't recognise his presence.

She seemed lucid now. Not teary. But scarily clear and focussed for someone who had spent hours crying and shaking.

Fred wasn't sure if such drastic changes were healthy.

"Listen to me. Listen to me, Hermione!" He tried shaking her. "You are a kind, compassionate witch. You deserve much more than you think and definitely do not deserve to punish yourself."

Hermione's eyes welled up again.

"Today is my parent's anniversary Fred." She said quietly.

Fred didn't know much about her parents. She never spoke of them. Even to Harry and Ron. All he knew was that she had erased their memories prior to the war and sent them to Australia to keep them safe. For them, they had no daughter named Hermione.

And now it all fell into place.

Hermione's breakdown. Her guilt. There was nothing that Fred could say to her.

"Every year, on their anniversary, we would cook together and have a meal on the terrace of our house. We had a big open terrace with my father's favourite patio furniture on top. I always found it funny that he kept the patio furniture on the terrace. But every year we ate on that table and had a great dinner together. Even after I joined Hogwarts. Every year. Except the last 4 years." She said.

"For all I know, they still may be having dinner together. Just... Without me. "She choked.

"I'm so so sorry Hermione. None of us have ever asked. We never imagined." Fred said feeling very guilty.

They had never bothered to question further why things were the way they were.

"It's not your fault, Fred. We weren't really that close. Hell, even Harry, Ron or Ginny don't know about today. And I was asked. Often. I just couldn't get myself to talk about it." She said.

"Why Hermione ? Talking eases the pain. And they are your best friends!" Fred reasoned.

"I don't want to ease the pain." She yelled. "I don't want to not feel how it feels when I miss my parents. I don't want to get over the guilt that eats me every day. I don't want to forget what it was like having them in my life. I don't want to stop blaming me for as the reason they aren't a part of my life anymore. I just... Don't."

She was getting hysterical now and Fred was certain that this was anything but healthy.

She had bottled herself for 4 years and she lived alone. Merlin knows how many episodes like these she'd had. And then going back to living normally such that no one, not even your best friends suspect anything! That was definitely bipolar and so so unhealthy. She was letting her guilt eat her away and not even fighting it.

"I am such a know it all. I think I know everything. I want to excel at everything. Do the best. Be the best. Anyone would say that's a good thing right ? Wrong. Everything I knew, I did, I believed was the best I could do, it came right back and bit me on my own arse." She was breathless by now. But she still continued. "My obsession to be perfect, to be the best, to always have a plan B,C,D , all this was just thrown in my face."

"I thought by obliviating my parents memories, I was saving them. My charm was so strong that it's possibly irreversible. And if tried to reverse, because of the strength, it could wipe out my parents all memories, conditioned, unconditioned and learned behaviour. Do you know what that means Fred? It's a fate worse than Lockhart's in St. Mungo's."

"Removing the obliviation is too far into the future. My concealment and non traceable and blood bond breaking charms were so effective and so powerful that they overlapped each other and their powers exponentiated. Even I can't locate them Fred. Let alone Voldemort. I did a great job keeping them away from the death eaters. But I did an even better job of keeping them away from me. Brilliant am I not?" She asked sarcastically, an ugly sneer marring her beautiful, innocent features.

"Not me, not the British aurors, even the Australian aurors cannot locate my parents. For all I know, they could be in Africa. When I was in the ministry, I tried every possible way to get hold of them. Kingsley was practically combing all of Australia. But it appears that I've hidden them all too well. After searching for them in Britain, with the hope that they would've somehow returned, Kingsley said that my charms were so powerful that even if we did find them, to undo the obliviate would be very dangerous. It would render them dependant for life."

Fred was shocked. He had no idea that this was the true story behind Hermione's missing parents.

"So my greatest asset, perfection and method, turned into my greatest enemy. So tell me Fred. Why should I deserve any pity! Any comfort? Any relief? Why should I forget the pain? Isn't it enough that my parents have forgotten everything? I can't. I can't. I just can't. I've got to remember everything. And re-live it. I need to. I need to make up for their lost memories. I can't let go Fred. I can't let go."

Fred was speechless. There was nothing he could say to make her feel better. She didn't want to feel better. She thrived on guilt and in turn it ate her from inside. And it seemed like she was happily allowing this cycle to continue.

"Hermione. Love. I can't say I understand what you're going through. Because I don't. And I'm not going to say it will get better. Because I don't know if it indeed will get better, ever. I don't know how losing one's parents ever gets better. But what I do know is that even though you may not believe me or agree with me, but none of this is your fault." Fred said calmly, still holding her tight.

"Not my fault?" She snorted angrily. "Have you not been listening to me?"

"I have, love. I have. And precisely because I've been listening, I can tell you that what you did was a very brave thing to do. Not everyone can remove their entire existence from the lives of their loved ones. You were young, but you made a decision even the oldest and the wisest would hesitate to make. But never once did you think back. You did what was right for the safety of your parents. And had you not done that, I guarantee you that today you would've had the knowledge that your parents were dead. You wouldn't even know where their graves would have been, if they had even been buried. Trust me. I was there during potterwatch. Finding out about the deaths and the muggles. Praying everyday that the list of casualties would be short. Hoping that no known name was there in that list. Hermione, you were Harry Potter's right hand. If they got to you, they would get Harry. And their first stop would be your parents. Just not finding them in their house wouldn't have stopped them. They would've hunted them down and tortured them to death. What you did prevented them from that. Sure you don't know where they are, but isn't this ignorance better if it means they are happy and alive somewhere rather than the knowledge of their death?" He reasoned.

"You've had wonderful years with them. Your memories about them are intact. Don't insult their memories by thinking so darkly and negatively about them. I know the guilt is driving you insane and you probably blame yourself everyday for taking from them what rightfully belonged to them, but in return, Hermione, you have given them time. Time to live, time to make new memories. You should remember them in such a strong and positive manner that your memories should suffice for all of you'll.
Don't let your sacrifice go in vain, Mione. Don't waste it by wasting yourself away. Your parents, wherever they are, whoever they are, wouldn't be impressed to see you wallowing in guilt and shame and pain because of them. You owe them this much."

By now the silent tears had returned.

Fred knew that he had probably been harsh. His words were said in the kindest, calmest tone he could manage, which wasn't difficult since his heart broke for her. But the truth in it couldn't be denied. And truth can often be harsh. But it was needed.

He didn't expect her to snap right out of it. But she needed to give herself a chance. She needed to feel that she deserved to be proud of what she had done. The what ifs not only applied to the fact that she could have been reunited with her family had she not done what she had done but also to the truth that there wouldn't have been any family to meet if she hadn't done any of this.

And he had to tell her that. Only when she understood that could she allow herself to be comforted. Until then, all of his efforts to make her feel better could be misconstrued as something he did against her wishes or disrespecting her dignity.

He was sure that Hermione knew all this already. She was a smart witch. And this was not something cryptic. It was quite obvious. But it would atone her of her actions and forgiveness was not something she was ready for. Even if she herself punished her. What she needed was for someone to tell her. Then it would make it real. And that was exactly what Fred was doing. Just stating the obvious. He hoped Hermione would understand. He knew healing would take time. But she needed to allow herself to heal. And only she could do that.

"I still remember them. Every day. Magic really changed our paths but that didn't mean I lost my bond with them. They were still my parents. And I was still their daughter. I don't want to forget them Fred. I can't. I won't." She said.

"No one's asking you to forget them love. All I'm saying is that you should remember them in a good way. In a way that makes you happy and helps you to grow into the wonderful person that you are. Knowing that they are living today, happily, should be a greatly comforting thought. Enough for you to be happy for them." He said.

"I am. I am really glad that they are safe Fred. But it's just ... It's just that I need them too. And they don't know it but they need me too." She sniffed.

"Of course you need them, love. And it's okay to miss them. But to blame yourself and punish yourself for it is just not done. In fact, you should be proud of yourself. I know I am." He said softly. "Proud of you."

Hermione had tears in her eyes again. Never once had she allowed herself to grieve so openly about her parents. And for the same reason that anyone who knew would try to comfort her. But Fred had allowed Hermione to take full responsibility for her actions but shown her how they had had a good impact also. Not necessarily all bad. She knew all this of course. But just the fact that someone else actually said it to her made her feel better.

Fred was right. I need to hold on to my memories. My memories should serve for even my parents'.

It didn't ease the pain. Nor did it mitigate the guilt. But she allowed herself to feel fully. So that she could heal. And attain closure. From the unhealthy self loathing and beating she delivered to her soul. It wouldn't be easy.

It would be easier to fall prey to the guilt all over again. But she would try. For the sake of her parents. Their memories. And their lives.

And so, painful though it was, she spoke about her life with them to Fred. Little things, significant, insignificant, anything that had their essence, she shared her life with them and opened up fully in front of Fred.

Soon they were laughing at old memories and jokes and Hermione even began explaining muggle things to Fred in her innate teacherish manner.

He would've never thought that he would be so relieved at the return of the teacher. But seeing Hermione in one of her lecture modes again gave him hope that all was not lost. And that she had pulled herself through today's ordeal and emerged stronger rather than weaker.

Suddenly, she extricated herself from his hold and gingerly tried to get up. She almost stumbled from being so numb and in one place for so long.

Fred immediately missed the warmth of her body at his side and wished she hadn't gotten up. But he figured that now she was better and emotionally in a much stable place, she must've not felt the need to be held. This saddened him for some reason.

But his thought processes were stopped when she sheepishly said, "bladder has a mind of its own."

Fred grinned and said, "really Granger? You have it in you to pee? After all the waterworks here, I'm amazed any of it found its way to your bladder."

She laughed. And shook her head fondly at him.

"You're quite a sight Granger. I suggest a hot bath will do you some good. It'll also help you regain some energy since you've to yet cook dinner!" He said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

He had expected her to fight him on this but obviously she widened her eyes and said, " oh no. Look at the time. I'm so silly. I'm so sorry Fred. You must be famished. Even the twins will be coming soon. I'll bathe later. I'll get straight..."

She didn't finish her rant because Fred came and stood close to her and had his finger on her lips. Motioning her to shut up.

"I was only joking." He said huskily.

"I want you to take a hot nice shower and dress up in one of those outfits Ginny forced you to buy. I'll be back before you're ready. And then we are going to dinner." He said.

"No excuses. No compromises." He said before she could even refuse.

"And I wasn't joking about you looking like shite. You really need that shower Granger." He said smirking. "I'll be back before you know it."

He hugged her tightly and smiled at her before apparating away.
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