Part One
Chapter Four
By the time we were all seniors at West, we had melded into this group that couldn't imagine not going to the UW together. After all, we did almost everything else as a unit. Me, Peeta, Gale, Annie and Madge. There was this idyllic feeling that we'd conquer whatever was tossed at us together and I never once questioned the notion that everything I needed to experience was right here in Madison. Peeta's arm around me cemented me to the vision and we all celebrated when the acceptance letters came in the mail.
Peeta. He was as much a fixture in my life as I was in his. The constant presence of the other didn't go unnoticed by our families or friends: if he was at the bakery, I was in the back doing my homework. If I was at home, he'd be lounging on my couch. I worked at a tiny bookstore and he situated himself in the adjoining café9. We were practically conjoined and genuinely struggled with the moments when we were apart.
It was my mother who quietly questioned our obsessive devotion, clarifying that while it was moving that we cared about each other so much, it wouldn't be unhealthy to experience a few things outside of the small box we had inadvertently created. She even offered to put me on a plane and send me back to Massachusetts to check out a few other colleges, but I balked and threw a classic teenaged fit, claiming that she couldn't possibly understand how happy I was.
Then she became "Mother" and forced me to get on the plane, so I countered by being miserable the whole weekend back in New England. Take that.
Madge and I even decided to room together our first year and ended up in Liz Waters10. Peeta landed in Bradley, Annie in Slichter and Gale in a rundown house on Mifflin11. Our circle remained intact, but most managed to expand their group of friends. Gale was philosophical and started to smell like patchouli, seemingly too busy to have dinner or regularly go to class. He talked a lot about foreign films at the Union12 and always found something to protest on Library Mall13. Annie and Madge got involved in student groups on campus, going to football and hockey games any time the teams were at home. I joined Hoofers14 and immersed myself in my degree—Zoology15—while Peeta majored in art and worked at the bakery.
Peeta.
Gale always joked that Peeta only needed three things to survive: paint, carbs and Katniss Everdeen. Of the five of us, he was seemingly least impressed with the new world that such a large university provided. Sure, he found a home at the Humanities Building16, but instead of exploring and reveling in his chosen field of study, Peeta desperately held on to what he knew. He found true happiness in routine, and I was a big part of that.
Our relationship was one built on comfort. It started with a trusted friendship, morphed into a teen infatuation, changed again when we became physical and continued with a routine we both intricately molded. My desperate need for a reliable person in my life coupled with Peeta's desperate need to matter to someone manifested itself in one hell of a codependency.
We were young enough—and okay, horny enough—that it all seemed so expected. Sex had been a part of our dynamic since we were 16 and that unbelievable intimacy created a cocoon I loved. I couldn't get enough of him. Peeta loved it too, but he needed it. There was no need to go to an art exhibit, lecture or game because all he wanted was to be with me: sketch me, talk to me, touch me, laugh with me, sleep with me.
I knew about his need to matter and he mattered to me.
…
"He's regaining consciousness." Dr. Beetee joins us in the waiting room and fills us in on the latest. "This is a good sign, but I want to caution you that Peeta still has a very long road ahead of him. He's not out of the woods yet. The physical wounds are significant, which doesn't begin to describe the emotional minefield he'll be maneuvering. We'll map the process of his rehabilitation in a few days."
"Can we see him?" Gale's practically bouncing in his seat.
"Yes, but no more than two at a time. He's not completely aware of where he is or what's going on, so he may appear confused or fall asleep without much warning."
"And the amputation? How will he be told?"
"We still have time to think about that. He's not able to process much now and he doesn't need to be agitated. Peeta won't remember much."
Mr. and Mrs. Mellark go first, taking in the sight of their youngest and moving toward his bedside. I lean against the wall and close my eyes. Now is not the time for me to get flighty or selfish. Now is the time for me to actually be here for Peeta. I ask to go in with Rye next, ignoring Gale's obvious pout at having to wait another 10 minutes. Rye is worried about his little brother and his emotions can more than cover for me. Gale's been too observant and I don't need to explain this to him. Not now.
We walk in and Rye immediately goes to his bedside, whispering "Hey buddy. Can you open your eyes?"
I walk up to Rye's side, looking down at Peeta. He somehow looks so small in this bed and it scares me. I touch his arm and wait for him to make a motion showing us that he's in there somewhere.
A second later he opens his eyes, lids fluttering and closing again before opening and attempting to focus.
"Peeta, we're here. Katniss is here, see?"
His eyes can't seem to find anything in particular until they settle on mine. I can't muster up any words of comfort, but I rub his forearm. He falls asleep and Rye chokes back a sob. I hug him, knowing that he loves his little pain-in-the-ass brother more than he ever wanted to let on.
"He'll be alright, yeah? Katniss?"
"Peeta is stronger than all of us." I'm afraid of the lie I just told. Peeta is physically stronger than many people, but beyond that, he's constantly (secretly) walking a thin line laced with doubt and insecurity. No one has really bothered to acknowledge that, though. I've grown accustomed to his need for reassurance, which manifests itself from growing up Mellark.
"Come on, Rye. Our time is up." I lean over Peeta and kiss the spot between his eyebrows. He's always craved kisses in that precise spot…told me that it was his favorite kind of kiss: the kind that made him truly feel loved and cared for.
Gale and Madge head in next, so the rest of us congregate in the hall and talk about how he looked. Pale. Slight. Broken. Bruised. But Peeta is alive and he will fight through this. We just have to wait.
My mother and Prim stand behind the Mellarks but gesture to me, offering to take me back to the house for a shower, hot meal and some rest. I accept and Mrs. Mellark calls to us "We'll see you back here tonight, right Katniss?"
"Right."
Where else would I be?
…
Prim makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches. White bread, plain old American cheese and a lot of butter. I grab a can of tomato soup, dump it into a saucepan with milk and whisk it over medium heat until it's hot enough to scald the roof of your mouth. Screw summer…we need comfort food.
"Seriously, Katniss, that's disgusting." Prim sits on the counter, looking across at my bowl.
"What?" I ask, my mouth full. Prim hates my addiction to saltine crackers. I like to smash the crackers and mix them into my soup until it's more cracker sludge than soup. Beyond that, they're a great vehicle for peanut butter, regular butter, jam, nutella, cheddar cheese, port wine spread and pepperoni. They're also perfect plain. Judge if you must.
We eat in relative silence, Prim somehow sensing that I don't need to hear that it's going to be okay. It hasn't been okay and I don't need meaningless words right now. I get halfway through my sandwich before it all seems to be too much and I ask if I can crash in her room.
"Do you want me to wake you up at a certain time?"
"No."
Chapter Four Notes
9. Café and adjoining bookstore. Canterbury Café and Avol's Books on Gorham Street, right off of State Street.
10. Liz Waters. An all-girls dorm on campus. Considered part of the Lakeshore dorms, which are a little more remote and picturesque. Bradley and Slichter are also considered Lakeshore dorms. The Southeastern dorms are downtown and more urban. I lived on campus for one year in Adams, another Lakeshore dorm.
11. Mifflin. Mifflin Street is famous in Madison for the ridiculous number of crappy, student homes/apartments. There's a summer block party on Mifflin that is well-known for riots, drugs, drinking and general debauchery.
12. Union. Memorial Union is one of two student unions on campus. The other is Union South. Both buildings/unions are very active and always have events, movies, food, drinks, music, random classes, etc.
13. Library Mall. At the bottom of State Street, near Memorial Library. Seriously, people are preaching and protesting something there daily.
14. Hoofers. The oldest student group on campus, focused on outdoor recreation like sailing, kayaking and canoeing.
15. Zoology. One of my majors.
16. Humanities Building. One of the ugliest buildings on campus. Looks like it was built to withstand bombings. After the bombing of Sterling Hall in the 60's, rumor had it that Humanities was indeed built to stand up to mobs/bombs/etc. Urban myth. It's just ugly.