The days that followed had Jess very confused. She and Nick still didn't really talk about what if anything was going on with them. Jess couldn't decide if it helped or not that she knew about his written fantasies.
It certainly would lead to some interesting discussions if she ever brought it up. If we ever talk about how we feel again! Jess thought to herself, slightly frustrated.
Jess realized that she was having trouble deciding what to do on her own. It was time to fill Cece in, a little. Partially to protect Nick, she decided in advance she wouldn't tell Cece everything. Fantasies were personal, and Nick's were very detailed. Even though he projected a tough, too cool to care attitude, she knew it would hurt him if others knew about the story. (This led her to more questions, such as how bad her own invasion of his privacy had been... and, in contrast, if there were more stories on his computer.)
Cece and Jess walked and chatted, but it took Jess a while to get up the courage. To be honest, she was often distracted as segments of Nick's erotic story drifted through her mind. She'd fantasized about kissing him since True American, definitely. A lot. But the more she thought about it, she was mostly imagining the feelings. The sensation of his warm, just-the-right-size body pressed against her. She'd had sexual thoughts about him from time to time, but it never got as detailed as imagining him jerking off over her body and coming on her. She definitely didn't mind these new possibilities to think about, but it was taking a little getting used to. It brought their changing relationship, from roommates to close friends to whatever was next, into graphic relief.
Over late-afternoon drinks and appetizers she finally revealed the underlying reason she'd called Cece. "So...I have pretty solid proof that Nick wants to have sex with me." Cece tried to keep chewing her salad but her mouth wouldn't quite close enough each time. She eventually swallowed and smirked. "Proof? Did you finally feel his boner?" She teased her friend, smizing.
Jess rolled her eyes and pressed on. "I guess I'm still in the same predicament. He's so important to me. I want to know him when I'm 45. And if we date now, well, unless we get married, we break up. I don't talk to Spencer or Russell and if I hadn't worked with Paul I doubt I'd talk to him either. The stakes just seem so high."
Cece became serious. She spoke slowly, with great care. "Jess, I usually give you pretty good advice. But with you and Nick, I am just as lost as you. This," she said, pointing her fork at Jess, "is why I don't date friends, I date strangers!"
Jess smiled sadly. Cece also didn't really have guy friends, except through Jess. But she knew what she meant. It was comforting even just to know that the solution wasn't obvious to everyone but her. Clearly, if Nick wanted so badly to sleep with her but hadn't made another move or even addressed it, he was having his own internal struggle. She couldn't even begin to guess what pros and cons he was weighing, and vowed to keep any assumptions about his feelings out of it. And if Cece didn't know what to tell her, well, that left her.
After some moments of reflective silence, Jess piped up again. "From how much I've thought about the kiss I know there is sexual chemistry there. We're definitely sometimes attracted to each other." She affirmed, still mulling things over. "But in order to risk our entire friendship and living situation... I think I need more than that."
Cece sat back and adjusted her thinking. This made sense. For her, to sleep with a stranger because they had chemistry, well, she didn't really have anything to lose. But for Jess, doing anything more with Nick had inherent real risks.
"Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you would only be willing to risk what you have now if you really thought it would work out. So what would that look like for you, Jess?"
She was still thinking about what that might be. "Well, the sex is definitely part of it but based on the kiss let's say that won't be a problem like it has been with my exes." (She also had her newfound extensive knowledge of his fantasies, so yup, no problems there.) "I guess the rest is companionship and support...or love..." she continued.
"Well, you guys seem to enjoy spending time together, so that's the companionship. And he's done a lot for you as a friend, between the dresser and being there for you when you lost your job." Jess nodded at Cece's truthful summary.
"Okay, so this isn't the craziest idea. Let's say we do talk and decide to date. But what does that end up looking like, with our living situation?" Jess would clear one hurdle mentally, and but there was always another one waiting. And despite this serious conversation, a small part of her brain was still processing Pepperwood's glistening cock.
"Let's put a positive spin on it. You already live together. But you don't live alone together, so it's not quite as intense."
Jess picked up Cece's thread. "Yeah, okay. So if I wanted to watch a movie that he didn't, I could still do my own things, but not worry too much that I'm being selfish because we would still have plenty of down-time together, like breakfast and even cleaning up or doing loft errands."
Cece nodded but added "I wouldn't even think about the domestic stuff too much yet. Think about your dates, your hobbies."
"I guess if we were dating we would try to get involved in each others' interests a little more... just like we're doing as friends."
"Yeah..." Cece reflected. "There's a couple of big areas that I wonder about, if you want this to last. What about your...different personalities? And your life goals?"
Leave it to Cece to drop the big bombs. I guess that's a fair question, Jess thought, especially since Cece had these things on her mind while trying to find a marriage partner herself.
"Well, how do you handle those questions, with your suitors?" Jess grinned, emphasizing the last word.
Cece took a moment to answer, sipping on her drink. "Because of the very upfront nature of it, the life goals stuff comes out pretty immediately. I think that might be a hard area for you guys." She smiled softly at her friend. "I know you're not the happiest with your work situation this year, but that could be an advantage too. You might both be looking to make a change at the same time. Despite what he says, Nick is probably a little self-conscious about where his life is heading right now. If you were all set in your career, he'd probably feel bad. But if you guys are both looking to make a change, you could make it together. Go back to school, look into different fields, anything." She paused, and looked directly at Jess. "The biggest question I have about him is, what does he actually want out of life? Even if you guys have a blast together, it is just about time to start getting serious about the future. If he has the ambition and the dedication, I don't think it matters so much where he is this second. It's about where he wants to be and how he plans to get there."
Jess turned her glass in her hand, around and around again on the table, comparing Cece's words to her own feelings. Ugh. She was getting there, slowly, but it was a long road. And what did she have? On the one hand, she had Nick's incredibly detailed and dirty fantasies about what Julius Pepperwood might do to Jessica Night. The sidekick in the story had her body but that was about all she had found out. At the worst, Nick is a fairly nice normal guy who maybe really wants her body and maybe just wants to live with his best friends and serve drinks until whenever. And if that was all there was to it, this wouldn't be worth it.
She couldn't let herself think about the best-case scenario, knowing it was so unlikely to be true.
But she knew enough about people to hope that the real truth was somewhere in the middle. So maybe all Nick wanted out of life was a good time, but he liked her. Or maybe he just wanted her body, but harboured ambitions to do more in the world than he was at the moment. She did know, for sure, that he cared about her as a friend. Convinced, finally, she let her full heart's feelings roam all the way through her body, quieting her mind, tingling between her legs, and tugging at her lips.
Cece took in her friend's changed posture at the table. Shoulders no longer hunched high, body no longer fidgeting. Just like when she'd decided to move to LA, to do her master's, to apply for her first job at the school - she could see that her friend had made up her mind, and to that, Cece lifted her drink and offered a silent toast.
Jess lifted her own glass and they both smirked over their clinking glasses. Jess's eyes had a deviousness to them. Cece couldn't wait to find out what would happen next. When your best friend finds love, it's even better than when you do, she thought to herself excitedly as she turned to admire the late evening sun.