Where am I?

That was my first question, until I figured out that I was lying down on something soft. My eyes fluttered open and I found Anna sitting beside me.

"How do you feel?" she asked kindly.

I groaned and slowly sat up. I felt tired, but whole. No hallucinations or anything.

"Like I need a big cup of coffee", I muttered.

She laughed slightly.

"Anna, why did you fall? Why did you want to become human?" I suddenly asked, like it was personal.

She smiled at me.

"You sound like Dean. He asked the same thing."

"But why? "

Anna took a deep breath and looked sad.

"I was stationed on Earth for 2000 years, just waiting, unseen, sick for home, taking orders from a father I have never seen. I watched you humans, watched your lives, seeing your loyalty to each other, love, forgiveness. I wanted that life, I wanted to be human. But I didn't do it because…"

She trailed off suddenly. I raised my eyebrow puzzled.

"Because?" I asked.

She looked at me, her green eyes filled with sadness.

"I… I had a friend. A sister, all angels are siblings. But, she was my favorite and my boss. She raised me when I was young. I didn't want to disobey her, or hurt her. But then… she disappeared. Like she had died, but no one knew where she had gone. It was then I chose to be human, I wouldn't remember the pain that she had vanished. You know, you kind of remind me of her", Anna said.

I tilted my head confused.

"Why?"

"You both love your brothers and would die for them, you have hard with taking a side when they fight. She was just like that."

I nodded, feeling strange. I had been compared to an angel, and a good one.

Anna smiled again before she rose and left.

I watched as she left and closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again, Uriel stood and watched me.

"Look at that. So cute when monkeys wear clothes", he insulted.

I looked around confused, he shouldn't know where we were. Unless..

"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" I wondered.

"It's the only way we can chat", Uriel responded.

"Since you're hiding like cowards."

I clenched my teeth insulted when I noticed something, Cas wasn't here.

"I haven't seen you without a leash, where's your boss?" I questioned.

"Castiel? He is.. He's not here. See, he had this weakness. He likes you", he said.

What he said made my face feel slightly hot, but I tried to not show any of it.

Uriel would probably use it against me then.

"Time's up. We want the girl", he told.

I snorted before I smirked smugly.

"I don't think that's so smart. You see, Anna's got her Grace back. She's now 100% angel."

Uriel smiled coldly at me, like he knew something I didn't.

"That'd be a neat trick, considering…. I have her Grace right here", he said and showing me a flask-like pendant with a luminous blue white smoke inside which he had around his neck.

I hid my anger behind a mask as I watched the Grace inside the pendant.

That son of a bitch.

"We can't let Hell get their hooks into her", he said.

"Then why not give her her mojo back then?" I asked.

Uriel put the Grace back under his shirt before he answered.

"She committed a serious crime."

I snorted again.

"A serious crime? Thinking for herself and not being a puppet you can boss around with?" I snapped.

"This is our business, not yours. She's not even human, not technically."

"Well, I guess I just like being a pain in your angelic asses", I said and shrugged.

Suddenly, I blinked and found Dean coming in, buttoning his shirt after…

No.. You've got to be kidding me…

I blinked again and found Uriel looking in my direction before he smirked amused.

"No", he said, laughing and neared the couch.

"It seems like your brother cut himself a slice of angel food cake. Didn't he? He did", he noted amused.

I glared at him, Dean's intimate business wasn't my business. Definitely not my business.

"Why do you care?" I asked stiffly.

"You probably don't even have something down there, like a junk-less Ken doll", I continued.

Uriel held up his hands and moved away slightly while chuckling.

And then he changed subject, that sucker.

"This is your last chance. Give us the girl or—"

"Or what? Or you're going to throw me back down there? Right. You know, you angels are really bad at bluffing", I said and cocked my eyebrow up.

Uriel's face was emotionless.

"Try me. This is a whole lot bigger than the plans we've got for you, Abigail. You can be replaced, easily", he said.

I press my lips together and looked at him daringly.

"Fine, then do it", I challenged him and rose.

Uriel neared me again as I 'waited' for him to 'do it'.

"You're just crazy enough to do it, aren't you?"

I shrugged a bit and stroke away my hair that was falling down in my face.

"What can I say? I like to push my limits, I don't break that easily now", I told.

Quite a lie, I still had PTSD after my experience in Hell, but at least I wasn't a vegetable.

"Oh yes, you do", Uriel stated and went behind my back.

His lips almost touched my ear as he whispered:

"You just go to know where to apply the right pressure."

I held a straight face, even though I knew what he was talking about.

"I have no idea what you mean", I lied and stopped my hands from shaking, along with the rest of me.

"Now, now, don't lie. Give us the girl, or you know where I will start break you."

I swallowed and gave him the information he needed, before he disappeared and I was in Hell again.

" Yes", I whispered, a tear sliding down my face.

" Yes, I'll do it."

They let me off the rack and put on a person on it. A terrified person who I knew had newly gotten here. Alistair showed me the fine art of torture along with Dean.

And after a few years, I had mastered it and knew exactly who to put the right pressure on different parts of the body to inflict as much pain as possible. The most important was— according to Alistair— patience.

That was what my afterlife was about, blood, pain and screams. It was my living, and I began to enjoy it.

One year, I almost lost myself. I was 100% sure I was becoming a demon. But the last year, I cried.

After every day of torturing souls, I cried. It felt wrong, I wasn't supposed to harm souls. I was supposed to protect them…

The last time I tortured a soul, the last time I weeped, I could hear the sound of flapping wings, and then it was all dark.

The next day, we all sat in the barn and waited for Ruby (whom apparently had gone away during the night) to come back.

I couldn't look at Anna without feeling guilty, so I instead stared at the whiskey bottle in my hand instead.

"I don't know, guys. Where's Ruby?" Sam said worried.

" Hey, she's your Hell buddy", Dean said and took a swig from my bottle before he handed it back.

"Little early for that, isn't it?" Anna said.

"It's still night somewhere, right?" I replied and looked at her shoulder instead of meeting her eyes.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah", I said before a gust of wind slammed up the door and the angels came in.

I rose and stared at them blankly while Sam held his arm in front of Anna.

"Hello, Anna. It's good to see you", Cas greeted and sounded like he meant it.

"How? How did you find us?" Sam hissed.

Cas' eyes moved over to me, where they lingered. I looked down on the ground, not being able to meet my brothers' eyes.

" Abigail?" Dean and Sam said betrayed.

I could feel my tears rise up. After Anna had told me that I reminded her of an angel who was loyal, I felt like a monster for doing this.

"I'm sorry", I whispered and looked at Anna.

"Why?" Sam asked.

"Because they gave her a choice. They either kill me… or kill you. I know how their minds work", she said and looked at them both.

"You did the best you could, Abigail", she said and and squeezed my hand gently.

"I forgive you."

Tears blurred my sight, as I watched Anna and Dean kiss each softly, one last time. As I turned back to look at the angels, Cas looked at me sadly, like it was sad but the right choice.

I wiped away the tears as Anna turned and met their eyes bravely.

"Okay. No more tricks. No more running. I'm ready", she told them boldly.

"I'm sorry", Cas said to her.

"No, you're not. Not really. you don't know the feeling", Anna stated.

"Still, we have a history. It's just—"

"Orders are orders, I know. Just make it quick."

For a brief moment I wondered what that history meant, until I realized it was stupid.

Of course Cas didn't mean that kind of history. He probably meant the times where he and Anna had worked together and all that. And why did I even wonder?

"Don't you touch a hair on that poor girl's head", Alistair suddenly said.

I turned stunned, and found him stand with two demon buddies and a sore, bloody Ruby.

Sam quickly moved Anna to the wall as Uriel walked toward the demons.

"How dare you come in this room, you pussing sore?" he growled with rage spiking his voice enormously.

The demons had already thrown away Ruby on the ground as Alistair neared Uriel.

"Name calling? That hurt my feelings, you sanctimonious prick", Alistair snorted.

He really needed to know better insults than that.

"Turn around and walk away, now", Cas demanded.

"Sure. Just give us the girl. We'll make sure she gets punished good and proper."

"You know who we are and what we'll do", Cas said and moved over to Uriel.

"I won't say it again. Leave now, or we lay you to waste", he warned.

"Think I'll take my chances", Alistair responded.

After a moment of silence, Uriel slammed a demon into one of the pillars before he killed the demon by smiting him. Cas punched Alistair in the face before he tried to smite him, which somehow didn't work.

"Sorry, kiddo. Why don't you go run to daddy?" Alistair sneered before he punched Cas down to the ground.

He grabbed Cas by the collar of his shirt, and began to chant in Latin. Just seeing Cas in pain, filled me with anger and fury.

I grabbed the nearest weapon (a crowbar) and hit Alistair in the head with all I had. He rose and stared at me disappointed.

"Abby, Abby, Abby. I am so disappointed. You and your brother had such promise", he said and choked us three with his mojo and made me fly up in the air.

Suddenly, I could see Anna glow from the inside.

"Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes!" she screamed before her body became devoured in pure white light.

Alistair suddenly dropped me, with my eyes open, but somehow, I didn't vaporize like he did.

Instead, I could see a beautiful yet terrifying humanoid being with pink wings, before she vanished with a wingbeat.

And luckily, I was still alive even though I had seen her true form. But how the hell could I even live?

It was then I noticed how close I was to Cas, so that made me blush, since Uriel had mentioned that he liked me.

Platonically or romantically, I didn't care.

I walked to pick up the knife. When I rose again, I met the again shocked angels' eyes.

"What are you waiting for, guys? Go and get Anna now, unless you're scared", I taunted and smirked.

"This isn't over", Uriel snapped, but Cas held him back.

They both seemed to have recovered from seeing a mere human watch the true form of an angel without getting turned to dust.

"Oh, I think it is, Junk-less", I said smirked smugly.

Uriel glared at me while Cas looked at me puzzled before they both vanished.

That sucker.

Ruby limped over to Sam while I stared at the spot where Anna had become an angel.

What was wrong with me?

First I hear some whispering behind the high pitched noise of Cas' voice. Then I can't fall asleep by Uriel's mojo.

And after that, I fly into the wall after the banishing spell. And the last and strangest, I can see their true form without burning up. What the hell? I thought.

"You okay?" Sam asked Ruby.

Ruby shrugged.

"Not so much", she responded.

"What took you so long to get here?" Dean questioned, which made me raise my eyebrow confused.

"Sorry I'm late with the demon delivery. I was only being tortured", she said sarcastically.

"I got to hand it to you, Sammy. Bringing them all together all at once— angels and demons. It was a damn good plan, which Abby helped without knowing", Dean complimented.

I stared at him.

"Wait, this was a plan?"

Dean looked at me amused. Asshole.

"Yeah, well, when you got Godzilla and and Mothra on your ass, best to get out of their way and let them fight", Sam joked.

"Yeah, now you're just bragging", Dean said.

"So, I guess she's some big-time angel now. She must be happy, wherever she is", Sam stated.

"I doubt it", Dean told.

"Can't believe we made it out of there", Dean said.

"Again", Sam and I added, before we clinked our beers together and took a swig.

"I know you heard him", Dean stated.

I looked at Dean, my lips shut and not wanting to say a word. After reliving Hell again, from when we came there to getting out, I hoped it was the end of my episodes.

I really hoped.

"Who?" Sam asked.

"Alistair, what he said", he said quietly.

"About that we had promise."

"I heard him", Sam replied.

Dean nodded slightly.

"You're not curious?" he wondered.

"Dean, I'm damn curious. But you're not talking about Hell and I'm not pushing. But I'm quite sure it was painful. Abby, you screamed like you were tortured", Sam reminded.

I leaned my head against Sam's shoulder. If I'd been taller, I would have rested it on his shoulder, unfortunately, I couldn't. Stupid Sasquatch.

"It wasn't four months, Sam", I mumbled.

Sam looked at me confused. For him, it had been four months. For us… Well.

"What?" he said.

"It was four months up here, but down there… I don't know. Time flows differently. It's more like forty years", I continued as I waited for an episode.

But it never came. It would've come up one at this time.

Sam looked at us sympathetically and then glanced down on the ground.

"Oh my God…"

" They uh… They sliced and carved and tore in ways that you…. Until there was nothing left", Dean told him.

"And then suddenly, everything was whole again… like magic… just so they could start over. And Alistair, in the end of every day… every single one… he would come over. And he would make us an offer to take us both off the rack.. if we put the souls on… if we started the torturing. And every day, we both told him to stick it where the sun shines."

Dean stopped talking after that, and I knew exactly why.

"For thirty years we told him that. But then… I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't", I whispered and could feel the tears rise up.

"And I got off that thing. God, help me, I got right off it. And… And I persuaded Dean to go off too… God, I was so selfish, not wanting to be alone in this. And then… we started to tear them. Piece by piece. Screams and more screams. I don't remember how many souls…. The— the things I did to them, what I had made Dean do…. And the worst… I could hear something inside me… telling me that I failed. Telling me… that my Father would hate me… My family…"

I stopped, tears falling from both my eyes.

"Abby… Abby, look, you held out for thirty years. That's longer than anyone would have. Look, I know why you made Dean do it, I can understand", he said and wiped away a tear from his face.

" I feel this… inside me… the voice… I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy,

Dean-o" I whispered and called Dean by the nickname I had used when I was a kid.

"I wish I couldn't feel anything at all."

We decided to sleep in the car this time since none of us were in the mood to pack or anything. Dean and Sam were sleeping in the car while I sat on the hood of the car, watching the stars. The sound of wings was heard and I knew Cas was standing behind me.

"Hello, Castiel", I mumbled, still watching the small diamonds in the sky.

"Why aren't you calling me Cas? You always do", he said with a small hint of hurt in it.

I shrugged slightly before I answered.

"Don't know. I just… don't feel so good."

Cas moved over and sat down beside me quite awkwardly. Not because he couldn't come up (he was a freaking angel, of course he could come up), it was more of the fact that we sat so close, we were touching each other's arm.

"I want to apologize", he began.

I raised my eyebrow and looked at him confused.

"For what?"

"For my actions. They could have killed you", he said.

I let out a short laugh. Quite ironic, really.

Cas looked at me strangely.

"What is funny?"

"The fact that you're apologizing for me living this life is funny, Cas. I almost die every day, it's my living. I just hadn't been prepared to die at all", I said and smirked, thinking of Hell.

Cas still seemed to not understand, which I didn't blame him for, I felt quite dizzy myself.

"I do not understand", he said even more confused.

"You're not supposed to", I replied and smiled.

He shook his head slowly.

"You almost died today", he said, still sounding guilty.

What? Now it was my turn to get confused.

"And with that, you mean…?" I wondered.

"You could have died back there, seeing Anna's true form. I could have covered your eyes…"

Seeing his face like that, filled with regret, made me want to hug him so hard I couldn't describe the feeling.

It felt… strange.

"Cas, I'm okay. I'm still here", I said softly and took his hand in mine.

"I don't blame you for that. But I wonder: Why? Why can I see your true shapes without dying or why I didn't get affected by the sleep thing?"

Cas looked at me, his beautiful dark blue eyes, meeting mine.

"I have to be honest with you, Abigail, but I have no idea how", he told, his voice spiked with some curiosity.

" I told you that you're special."

I smiled and hugged him for no apparent reason. I just wanted to hug him.

He smelled good, like cinnamon and other spices with a pleasant scent.

Cas didn't hug me back, he just sat there stiffly and awkwardly.

It then it hit me, he had kind of no idea what a hug was. Because of what I had realized, I smiled even more and let go of the astonished Cas.

"You don't know what a hug is?" I teased.

Cas shook his head.

"I do know what a hug is, but I don't know why humans hug and when they do", he said and tilted his head slightly.

He looked like an adorable kitten actually.

"Then I'll have to learn you", I said, my smiled getting wider for every second.

"You hug a person if you like that person, or if you want to comfort them. Sometimes, people hug others because it's kind of their handshake."

"So.. some people hug people to greet others, like the Cherubim", he stated.

I nodded, even though I had no idea of that Cherubim hugged each other. I had never met one, before.

"Yeah, exactly. But you also hug someone if you haven't seen them for awhile. Like, if I hadn't seen my brothers, I would hug them when I met them again. Sometimes, when you love someone, you hug them", I continued and tried to hide my blush when I said the last part.

"I think I do understand", Cas said and frowned thoughtfully, not noticing my red face.

"So if I like someone, I hug them?"

I nodded, confirming it.

"So, that means, that you like me? Because you hugged me?"

I stiffened, the blush creeping up higher and warmer. This was becoming awkward. Of course, I liked Cas, but not what kind of 'like'.

"Yes, I like you Cas", I answered honestly.

Cas smiled at what he heard, before he looked at the moon.

"It's late, you should get some sleep. I don't know how much you humans sleep, but I do believe the most of you sleep now", he said and got off the hood of the car swiftly as a cat.

I did the same thing and studied him, wondering what he was going to do. And, a bit surprisingly, he hugged me.

He seemed uncertain when he hugged me, a bit stiff but still, he was hugging me.

Hugging Cas, felt comfortable and warm in a nice way, like a cozy, warm bed.

"Goodnight, Abigail", he said before he disappeared.

I stared one last time at the stars, before I got into the car and closed it carefully to not wake Sam and Dean.

The last thing I remembered doing before I was lost in sleep, was that I smiled.