Part One

Chapter Nine

I've been hiding under the guise of cleaning Haymitch's place for two weeks now. My old apartment never had such detail go into cleaning, but I'm beginning to enjoy the routine of getting up, cleaning and making a few meals. The crock pot is the best invention ever: throw things in there with some sort of meat and you have a hot meal at the end of the day. One that is hard to screw up, brown and is almost always edible!

I've called Prim a couple of times since our first conversation and am reassured that everything is being handled as best as it can be in Madison. She encourages me to listen to my voicemails, but I am not ready to go there. Right now I need to think about my lists. 'Look for a job' is at the top as I need to find some source of income before too long, whether it is in the sciences or at any local business that will hand me a paycheck. I'm banking on the latter. Getting a head start on this search is vital before the undergrads come back in the fall.

It's time to shake the funk off, get out and explore. I decide to drive around Amherst first, looking at how the town has changed while simultaneously keeping an eye open for employment. The downtown is still quaint, but new shops and restaurants have taken hold. It's a little more high-end than I remember. Next up is Hadley, which I've been driving through on my occasional trips for supplies. There are many big-box shops and chain fast-food restaurants that seem to stick out like a sore thumb among the hills and fields surrounding them. Last is Northampton. "Noho" hasn't changed a bit, which is charming and comforting. Anything and everything goes here…it doesn't matter what you're wearing (or in some cases, not wearing). It's a place where being you is not only encouraged, but expected. In my opinion, it's also one of the great things about the Five College28 influence: the schools each have a distinct vibe and the students lend that same vibe to the surrounding communities.

I decide to actually park the car and look for a job. The thing is, I'm not sure where it is I can see myself. Retail? Eh. Food service? Maybe. I fill out about 10 applications over the course of the afternoon, not much closer to finding a job now than I was this morning. At least I did something.

My stop at Esselon Café on my way home is well deserved, in my mind. When you walk through the front door there are two velvet curtains separating the improvised foyer with the main space, creating a cocoon of warmth and comfort. Finnick, the guy who waited/hit on me the first time I came in, nods hello and starts my drink. I appreciate the gesture for what it is: routine.

"Hey Finnick, I'm looking for work. Do you know of any places hiring?"

"Ahh. Have you finally decided to succumb to my charming advances, beautiful?"

"Hardly."

"Looking to put your stellar attitude to use?"

"Maybe."

"Hey Boss! Come out here." Wonderful. Let's expand this conversation to include a few more people. "Thresh, this is Katniss. She's a regular and looking for work. Are you still looking for help with the roasting works?"

Thresh is all muscles but soft spoken. "Listen, I'm sure you're nice and all but I don't want to have to work around class schedules, so…"

"That's fine, I'm not a student."

"Oh. Well can you life 50 pounds?" I nod. "Good. Let me show you around and we'll see if we can get along."

We do. Just like that, I have a job.

…

I get home and again Haymitch is absent. I'm not sure where he goes during the day, but it's starting to feel like I live alone here, which I'm not complaining about. I help myself to whatever stew I've concocted today and decide to head upstairs. I want to cross a few things off of my list (take that, 'look for a job') and make a few more. I should call Annie. I want to start writing out what's in my head. I should listen to my voicemails.

After the first of Gale's profanity-laden messages I decide to delete all 23 of his and then listen to the others.

Peeta.

Beep. "Hi, it's me. Katniss (his voice breaks), I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for my behavior earlier. I know that things haven't been right for a while, but I want to apologize for what I said. I want to make things right. I love you."

Beep. "Hey. Um, it's me. Peeta. (He clears his throat.) Prim told me that you left for Amherst. I had hoped to talk to you again face to face. Katniss, there is so much I want to say. I need to say. I'm so sorry. Come back. I love you."

Beep. "Katniss, please. Please talk to me. Please."

Beep. (There's breathing on the line before the phone is disconnected.)

I look at the phone in my hand and delete his messages one by one.

Beep. "Hey lady, it's Annie. So you're in Amherst. (She sighs.) When I told you to figure out who you were, I hope you didn't interpret that as 'drive halfway across the country and ostracize yourself.' Just kidding. Hey, I'm here when you're ready to talk. We're helping Peeta out, too, so try not to make yourself completely sick over that, even though I know you are. I love you, girlie. We all do. Call me when you can."

I immediately dial Annie and am practically jumping on my bed when she answers. "Annie. It's Katniss." I sound breathless.

"Hey! I was hoping to hear from you before the snow started flying. Did you get my message?"

"Yes, just now. I've been dealing with things as they come, you know?"

"I know. How are you? I miss you!"

"I miss you, too, Annie. I'm doing okay. Staying with my Uncle Haymitch, which is an exercise in patience. I just got a job today. Earning my keep and all."

"A job? So this move is semi-permanent?"

"More like I needed to make some money and keep my mind occupied."

"Hmm. How are you holding up?"

"I haven't really dealt with much yet." I shift to lie on my side, trying to get comfortable. "It's amazing being back…like I never left in the first place. Aside from Haymitch I don't know anyone, but everything is the same and new all at once. I know I'm not making sense." Story of my life, these days. Katniss is confused! Katniss is not able to put thoughts into words! Katniss refers to herself in the third person! "In a way, this place reminds me of Madison, minus the baggage. You'd love it."

There's silence on the other end. I am such a shit.

"God, I'm sorry Annie. That came out wrong. I didn't mean that you're baggage. Or that Peeta—."

She sighs, "Katniss, I know. Relax. Try to stop apologizing so much, okay?"

"It's not about anyone or anything, I swear. It's me. It's all me. I just need to figure this out."

"You will."

"And then?" I know I'm leaning on Annie now. That's what I do…I take, take, take.

"Then you'll continue living, just as you are now. It won't be some miracle, Katniss. It's not like the heavens will open and your life will suddenly begin. You're living now. You'll just have a better sense of which direction you'll steer in. You'll set some boundaries and maybe follow your heart a little more. You'll love because it makes your life infinitely better, not because you're expected to."

"I love Peeta."

"You will always love Peeta. He will always love you. You guys just need to figure out what kind of love it is."

Was that true? Did I need to figure out the kind of love I had for Peeta? I loved him as a friend. A fiancée. A lover. A confidant. I knew these things explicitly. I wanted more balance. I wanted to figure out how to be content with just me. I wanted the same for him.

"Annie?"

"Yup?"

"You should have been a psych major."

"Ha! Maybe I'll remember that when I'm having a midlife crisis and decide to go back to school."

…

It's starting to get dark outside by the time Annie and I hang up and Haymitch still isn't home. I take my dirty dishes downstairs and wash them (even I do not think about messing with the spotless kitchen) before grabbing my new notebook and settling on the front porch. The mosquitoes haven't been bad and I want to hear the crickets. Pretty soon they'll be cold and still with the first days of autumn.

I decided what to do with this new journal a few days ago. Part diary, part creative outlet, it's as much of a project for me as it is for Peeta. And sure, avoiding the face-to-face confessional might be a cop out, but it is an opportunity to let the honesty fly.

…

Peeta,

If you asked me what day of the week I arrived in Amherst, I honestly couldn't tell you. The drive here was pretty uneventful, unless you count the seven Dunkin' Donuts stops I made between Pennsylvania and Massachusetts (and the subsequent bathroom breaks as a result). I'm rambling now. I'm sorry.

I'll probably end up saying that so much that it will end up losing its sincerity.

If you haven't noticed, this is a new notebook. It felt right to begin another when I had the idea of writing for you. I've never been wonderful at getting my words out without stumbling, but if you could only know how much I truly want to say. Am I afraid of my words? If so, what am I afraid of? Of being judged, or maybe disappointing someone when they see me for who I really am. Someday I'll tell you who I am and you can judge me then. Perhaps you've already begun to change your perception of me after how I've behaved. Of course you have.

I'm staying with my Uncle Haymitch. You've never met him, but he was my father's best friend. If you've ever wondered why I have such a vast knowledge of beer and weaponry, well, now you know. He keeps to himself for the most part, which is probably for the best. I'm not sure how long he'll let me stay and I haven't made plans one way or the other. You know, trying the whole fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants thing.

I did get a job working at an artisanal coffee shop in town and I'm told I'll be helping the owner with the actual roasting. I'm hoping that free cappuccinos are in my future, but that probably depends on my ability to be civil to the barista.

I think of you every day, which sounds trite and insincere. But it's the truth.

I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

Katniss

…

I go upstairs and close my bedroom door, letting the weight of my words push me to my bed. They weren't beautiful or even coherent, but they were mine. I haven't done this since moving here but I know where to look, leaning toward the dresser and picking up the book on top.

The leather crinkles a bit when I open the cover and my dad looks back at me, the photo loose between pages. He's on the dock and smiling, holding my mom close to the stern of the Sunfish on the day he bought the boat. This picture was taken before either one of them knew I was even on the way. Things were finally turning around for them after a tough start; Dad was making a decent living and Mom was just finishing nursing school. He looks like everything he's ever wanted was dropped in his lap, but years later he'd tell me that that wasn't exactly true. Not until I came along, anyway. What a sap.

This is the one photo I have of my parents the way I wish I could remember them. Dad is there, so happy that his eyes are almost squeezed shut, and Mom is not only present, but alive. I shut the book and lean back, wondering just how different things would be if he were still around. God, I don't know how to do this without him.

I wish my brain had a map to tell my heart which way to go. I let myself cry it out, shaking the grip my emotions have had on this day. Tomorrow I'll write again.

Chapter Nine Notes

28. Five College Consortium. There are four colleges and one university in the Pioneer Valley: UMass, Mount Holyoke College, Amherst College, Smith College and Hampshire College.